Through the Darkness
by FinnRey-xx
Summary: *Finnrey* Did the stars align the day Finn ran into Rey? Or will Finn keep running? Will Rey be able to resist her instinct to push him away? What if Finn lets Rey slip into uncertain danger? And what happens if danger seeps through the cracks to tear open every insecurity they have? Maybe all they're ever supposed to know is heartache... Cover Johannathemad.tumblr
1. Chapter 1

I wake to darkness, the slight glow from the machines illuminate some of what surround me. The harsh and obnoxious beeps coax my mind into becoming aware of my situation; adrenaline pulses through my veins.  
Where am I? Am I still on Starkiller base, on a torture table? I move my wrists and ankles: no restraints. Am I at the resistance's base? Am I somewhere else because the First Order succeeded in destroying the Ileenium system? These thoughts briefly skim across my mind; for a moment I stare into the darkest corner of the room, until another question slams through my mind and I feel an enormous weight arrive with it: Where is Rey? The weight pushes on my chest as I struggle to breathe; most importantly is she alive? The beeps become erratic. I can feel an uncomfortable, sickening emptiness in my stomach and I'm afraid I'll be consumed by it. I slowly shut my eyes, concentring on regulating my shallow breathing and thinking of ways to escape. I twitch my fingers and my toes; I am becoming steadily more irritable. I roll my shoulders to release the tension, my eyes fly open as pain surges down my arm and across my chest; I take a few deep breaths and wait for my eyes to adjust to the dim light, then I move down my medical gown to vaguely see the mismatch of slowly healing skin from the cauterised injury Kylo Ren had given me. I must be in the hands of the resistance for the First Order would not be as forgiving as to patch my wounds. I pull the gown back up. Once the ache subsides I press my hands against the bed and try to push myself into a sitting position. A tight, stretching sensation spreads from my spine along every inch of my body; the memory of his lightsaber dancing through the skin on my back causes my hands to become weak and I slowly lower myself back against the bed. Throbbing sensations ripple through me. I stare into the darkness until my body succumbs to a dreary sleep.

Gun shots echo through the trees and Kylo Ren stops them all. Out of frustration and anger he lifts her from the ground without touching her, I watch helplessly as he throws her into the canopy of the trees. Rey's scream seeps its way into my bones as her back collides with the trunk of a tree and she falls silently and horrifically fast to the forest floor. I find myself at her side before my mind had time to catch up. I throw myself to me knees beside her; snow drifts down from the tree without a sound, coating her motionless body. I collect her delicate, pale face in my cold hands and look at her peaceful expression.

I awake but do not open my eyes. I am unable to pinpoint exactly how I feel; for the mixture of emotions creates an empty feeling inside of me, and it is making me dizzy.  
I squeeze my closed eyes tightly, hoping the image of Rey's unconscious body will be erased from my memory.  
After what seems like an hour I finally open my eyes and take in my surrounding in the morning light. The room is white, and on the walls are numerous weights and equipment for physical training. I turn my head to the right so I can look at my burn, then I notice Poe smiling widely at me sitting in a chair next to my bed.  
"Where is Rey?" Poe's smile fades and I close my eyes, the emptiness grows.  
"Good to see you too," his sad tone full of mockery, I look at him again, and a sly smile plays on his lips. I decide I'll return to the question soon.  
"Sorry, yeah It's good to see you," I ignore the pain as I extend my arm to shake his hand, he grips it lightly and holds it for a moment before placing it beside me on the bed.  
"Careful of that shoulder," his nods slightly looking at me with concern, "The doctors have slaved over repairing you. They won't be happy if you tear it all up -" his grin returns and I can't help but smile too, "I even suggested strapping you to the table so you wouldn't be able to escape," Poe's happy laugh floods the room but I assume he wasn't joking when he suggested it.  
"How long have I been here for?" I ask,  
"Four days,"  
"Four?" I sigh deeply.  
"Today is the fifth day. Chewie got you out, you're at base now,"  
"So they didn't destroy the Ileenium system?" I ask, Poe shakes his head  
"I got to them first, buddy," he boasts, I smile, for a moment, then it dawns in me: if Chewie got me out what happened to Rey, was she still on Starkiller base when it imploded, or was she already dead before that? Chewie could have at least got her body; I feel anger bubble, how could he save me but not her.  
"Is Rey dead?" My voice is a deep rumble and I notice Poe's expression slip into one of caution.  
"She didn't leave your side," he takes a deep breath, so I interrupt  
"That doesn't answer my question," I whisper, feeling guilty for pushing my anger towards him.  
"She's alive," that almost isn't enough, so Poe reassure me further, "Rey is fine," I inhale sharply and as I breathe out I feel the pressing weight on my chest dissipate and I relax into the stiff bed, "She didn't sleep or eat, worried if she took her eyes off you, you'd disappear," Rey was in this room and I didn't even know, I feel guilty, but my relief outweighs it. I then wonder why she wasn't next to me now.  
"Where is she, I want to see her?" I whisper quietly  
"She's gone -" I interrupt immediately  
"Gone? Gone where?" I press, wanting to sit up, but I know I will only fall back in pain. Poe sighs in exasperation, obvious frustrated that I keep interrupting.  
"She's gone to find Luke Skywalker, she left two days ago, I-" he takes a quick breath "I don't know when she'll return..." I can hear the apprehension in his answer; I don't want him to be afraid I'll lose my temper at him.  
"Thank you for telling me," I smile slightly before running my left hand through my short hair and sighing deeply.  
"No problem, I have to go, it's pretty busy day today; I'll see you later." With a small nod he quietly leaves the room, leaving me with my thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

A few hours pass and a nurse enters my room, fiddling with the monitors above me, I stare at her as she completes - what I assume to be - her daily check-up.  
"You're not very talkative," she says as she pulls my gown down my arm to look at my shoulder.  
"Sorry, my name's Finn," she smiles subtlety to herself and giggles slightly.  
"I know your name, I'm you nurse. Everyone around here knows your name," I blink and furrow my brows, "You saved General Organa's best pilot, and your foolish but brave attempt to save your friend spread through the base pretty quickly." She applies an ointment to my shoulder, rubbing in small, gentle circles. I'm unsure how to answer so I'm thankful when she asks me to roll onto my left side; I feel the deep stretching sensation again, and I fear my back my split in two. She undoes the back of the gown, I feel exposed, the cold air tickles my damaged skin. "These are looking a lot better, but we can't prevent the scar tissue," I nod, as she applies the same ointment. I begin wondering what Rey would think of such a hideously large scar, trailing from the base of my spine in a jagged line up between my shoulder blades.

My nurse, whose name I earlier found out to be Starla returns in the afternoon. placing a tray of porridge and water on my bed before removing the drip in my arm, but leaning the cords and patches attached to my skin. She sits in the corner filling in some paper work. At first I don't feel like eating, until I take my first mouthful, the food is bland, injected with all the nutrients I need to function again, but I eat as if it is my first meal.  
Starla finishes her work and I ask for seconds, she shakes her head saying everything is portioned correctly and more could have a negative affect.  
"Can I do something, maybe walk around?" She tilts her head slightly and nods  
"Okay, but you have to listen to what I say,"  
"Okay," I agree.  
"Move your legs so they hang off the bed, but stay flat on the bed, try not to move your back," I obey and it take some time but I eventually get in the right position. "Good," I smile, she walks around the side of the bed until she stands behind me, she slips her hand under my head grasping the back of my neck and she uses her other hand to grip my left shoulder, "Now I will help push you up, it'll hurt, but you won't tear your skin," I nod and on the count of three she pushes me into a sitting position, a mixture of different intensities of pain spread through my body, but I try and ignore it. Starla comes around to face me and offers her hands, I take them and she uses all her strength to pull me to my feet and keep my upright.  
"Thank you," I whisper, looking down on her, she is considerably smaller than me, just below my shoulders. I feel guilty for forcing her to help me when I'm close to double her weight.  
She takes the tray and begins to leave.  
"I'll be back to help you down again." She steps out of the room and disappears down the hallway. I take a step and feel my skin resist, I continue to take tentative steps until my back relaxes into the momentum of my slow paces. I carefully stretch and twist as I walk, trying to keep the cords from tangling as I encourage more movement. Starla returns after a while and completes what will become my daily ritual, in reverse.

That evening Starla brings me some food and a large drink to keep my hydration up during the night. She sits with me and we talk for a while, she asks me questions I don't want to answer, so I often redirect the conversation to her. I ask how she came to be a part of the resistance. She tells that her father fought in the rebellion, and her mother worked in the kitchens cooking meals for all the pilots and crew. She is six years older than me, even though her small size contradicts it.  
She leaves after an hour and I easily slip into a deep sleep.

The next two days follow the same pattern, Poe visits briefly, Starla visits three times a day: applies the ointment and helps me regain my precious abilities; we try numerous activities and exercises using the equipment in the room. On the third day since I woke from my coma my nurse provides me with lunch and fills in my forms. As she comes over to help me up as she always does, she collects the tray and leaves. I call her back, "Starla, where are you going?" She ignores me, unable to hide her smirk as she struts away down the hallway, seemingly very proud of herself. I lay for a moment; then I understand. I take a breath and slowly twist my legs off the bed and push myself into a sitting position. I move to the edge of the bed, pressing my feet firmly to the ground before heaving myself into a standing position, a small ache occurs but it is hardly noticeable. I see Starla's small frame hiding unsuccessfully behind a wall, her big eyes bright with pride. I pretend I hadn't seen her, and begin the exercises. Without Starla here to tell me when to stop I push myself to my limits; which are almost as close to my original abilities. I feel the sweat begin to coat my forehead, but I persevere, I do not feel any pain but I am sure my muscles with ache in the evening.  
After another hour my body decides it has had enough. I soon find myself under the sheet on my hard bed and my eyes drift to a close.


	3. Chapter 3

Through the darkness I hear her say my name quietly, I cannot open my eyes; I cannot see her, I cannot touch her, but her voice surrounds me. "We will see each other again..." She pauses, I can almost feel her breathing, "I believe that." Her lips lower and press gently to my forehead, I suddenly gain control, but I cannot see her,  
"Don't leave me!" I demand desperately, immediately reaching into the abyss and grasping her hand.  
My eyes flutter open and I'm looking directly at my hand as it grips tightly onto the small pale hand of someone else. My eyes follow the slim, yet strong arm to where it meets a shoulder that heaves up and down rapidly. I raise my eyes just a little higher and they rest upon a beautiful girl, who's glowing in the evening light, her hair is flowing down her shoulders but pushed behind her ears, her lips are parted slightly. Her green eyes glow and I just stare at her, not saying a word in fear I'll wake and she'll disappear. My hand still grasps hers; I tentatively stroke my thumb across hers and loosen my grip slightly. I can't take my eyes from hers "Rey?" I whisper, immediately after her name falls from my lips a smile captures her entire face, and she half collapses, half lowers herself to embrace me.  
Her face is nestled perfectly into my neck, her arms holding the back of my head "Finn..." Relief weaves its way through the way she says my name, "you're okay," the words slip through her lips and combine with a deep sigh that seems like she has been holding for a long time.  
I am unable to comprehend that she is here, so I lie motionless for a moment. Then as her breathing regulates and I feels my pulse slow I realises I am awake and this isn't a dream. A feeling of joy seeps into my veins and warms me.  
"I won't leave you," Rey responds to my call into the darkness, she kisses the side of my neck, it tingles long after she takes her lips away. I wrap my arm around her and hold her close to me, with my free hand I press it into her hair; she holds me tighter; a deep euphoric sensation embeds itself into my very being. I feel my body relax into her as she silently presses another kiss to my neck.  
She cannot be comfortable; her knees pressed to the hard floor, her body slumped over me. I use the hand that is in her hair to lift her face up to mine.  
"You're really here, aren't you?" I search her face, using my thumb to run it across her jaw line, she nods.  
"I came back to you, just like I said I would." I bring my hand back into her hair gently pulling her closer to me, I kiss her forehead. She pulls away and I let my hand fall from her hair.  
"I was scared," Rey whispers, sitting back on her knees eradicating herself from my grip.  
"Of what?" I query.  
"That you wouldn't wake up," Her voice is hushed as if squashed by the weight of her words; she looks away from me but I lean to the edge of the bed, ignoring my protesting muscles. I grasp her face between my hands, her eyes are closed and her face peacefully sad; I recall the way she looked in the snow.  
"I was scared," I whisper, "When I held you like this, and you I didn't think you were breathing..." She immediately opens her eyes; as if to shatter the image in my mind. I run my thumbs along her cheek bones, her pale complexion glowing beneath my dark skin. She sighs and leans into my touch.  
"I guess we were both scared,"  
"We don't have to be now." I smile and she nods.

I did not realise I had fallen back asleep, until I wake up to Starla quietly talking to Poe, Rey isn't in the room and I wonder if maybe it was all a dream. I stare at Starla as she giggles, twisting her blonde her in her fingers and looking dreamily up at Poe. He notices me watching them, then turns his full attention to me.  
"Hey, how are you?" Poe walks over to me and squeezes my left shoulder; I take a moment to assess how I feel.  
"Sore," Poe nods, and Starla walks over.  
"Did you hurt your back yesterday?" She seems worried, guilt fills her features, assuming she pushed me over the edge by letting me train myself, I shake my head.  
"Just pulled a few muscles, I didn't ruin the treatment," I smile slightly as she relaxes, and she quietly leaves the room.  
"I didn't think sore would be your response," I am able to quickly get myself into a sitting position on the edge of the bed  
"What do you mean?" I ask as I stretch, once I answer I understand and a wide smile spreads across my face, he raises one eyebrow, willing me to elaborate on my earlier answer "Is she really here?" I ask, Poe nods before answering,  
"She sure is." He smiles.  
A moment late I hear her voice as she asks, "You really don't believe I'm back, do you?" She laughs, emerges from behind Poe and standing directly in front of me, I look up to her and I see her eyes sparkling.  
"I do now," I whisper.  
"I think it's about time you get on with your exercises, isn't Finny boy?" Poe hints and I nod, I push myself slowly into a standing position, I rise slightly taller than Rey, and we stand silently looking at each other for a moment, "Okay, let's go" Poe gently touches Rey's arm, she immediately rejects his mildly affectionate gesture and steps away from him.  
"Don't touch me," she shouts defiantly, I try to hide my smile but fail.  
"Feisty," Poe winks at me, and she looks to me with suspicion, but I notice her tiny smile.  
"I'll see you later," She utters before exiting the room,  
"Have a good day," Poe calls giving me a small salute and goes in the opposite direction to Rey.  
I have regained almost all the movement in my back, but I still had my shoulder to work on. I accomplish some squats and all different and unique stretches and poses which I have to hold for as long as possible. The day proceeds swiftly and before I know it Starla has come back into my room and it is the early evening.


	4. Chapter 4

"Finn, I don't think you need all your monitors, I'll remove them, you can eat in the dining hall tonight," Starla begins to turn the beeping machines off. I rip the patches from my chest and take the cords from my arms. A strange silence fills the room.

"Now, don't you have a wild night, your rehabilitation isn't over yet," She smiles and I nods in response.  
"Thank you," I call after her as she leaves, pulling the machines with her.  
I slip on a baggy grey shirt, the jacket that Poe let me keep and some loose pants; it feels good to wear comfortable clothes. I leave my medical room for the first time since I woke up. Walking down the vaguely recognisable halls, I pass a few familiar faces; they acknowledge me through extra-long glances and the occasional nod, however, none stop, nor ask how I am. I soon find the dining hall, witnessing BB-8 roll slowly and stop at Poe's seat at the back of the room; I walk across the room and sit down. The droid looks at me for a moment before rolling closer, he touches his weird little face to my leg and beeps quietly; I'm taken aback by his affection and look at Poe who grins, "Someone is happy to see you…" BB-8 whirs loudly at Poe, "Okay, sorry, he's more happy to see Rey though." The small little ball rolls away beeping to himself, I watch him as he approaches Rey she smiles at him. Then waves to me; I smile back before turning my attention to Poe.  
"You two are the worst type of people," He shakes his head and he rolls his eyes.  
"Who?" I enquire.  
"You and Rey, all you two ever do is talk about each other. 'I need to save Rey', 'but I can't leave him', 'Where is Rey', 'Where is Finn' You two are ridiculous" I blush as Poe lists his examples  
"There is nothing going on, we're just friends," I say sternly, okay she might have snuck into my room, but that's what anyone would do when they haven't seen someone for a while.  
"Sure you are." He whispers, taking a sip of his drink.  
"Here, I got you some too," I hear her voice as she places a tray in front of me, she sits beside me and when I look at her she is already looking at me.  
"Thank you," I whisper back and she shrugs.  
"Is this the first time you've been allowed to eat with everyone?" Rey asks, I nod taking a bite of the bread roll.  
"I'm allowed to re-join civilisation now."

The three of us have small conversations, and in the silences I often witness Poe sneakily catching a glance at us, to which I'd respond with a look of mock indignation.  
"Hey guys," I hear an unfamiliar voice happily say beside me, I see a young man at the edge of our table, I smile at him.  
"Finn, Rey this is Koden, better keep an eye on this one, he's a quick learner." Poe pats the spare space beside him and Koden gladly sits down.  
"Poe has been teaching me a lot of the mechanics of an X-Wing, General Organa was not lying when she said he is the best pilot in the resistance," I quickly glance to Poe and back at Koden. "I bet he could fly through the training course with his eyes closed, and without his little companion." Koden gestures to BB-8, his smiles brightly as he speaks highly of his new mentor.  
"One day I'll have to give it a shot," Poe accepts the challenge.  
As the conversation begins to slow I offer to take Poe and Rey's empty trays back to the kitchen. As I return I see Koden and Rey leaning closely in across the table, Rey's smile makes her eyes shine and for a brief moment I feel this gnawing sensation in the centre of my chest, but unsure what it is, I push it aside. I sluggishly walk the rest of the way to the table; Rey leans back as I sit beside her. Poe and Koden begin to have a conversation about why the boaster engine needs to be shifted lightly to the right of the main gear control.  
"Do you have to go back to the infirmary tonight?" She asks,  
"I don't know, I guess not, but I still need to do my rehabilitation," I answer. Rey turns to me, she smiles and leans in closely, I do the same, feeling as if she may share a secret with me.  
"So you can come to my room and stay with me for a while?" my smile widens at her request.  
"I'd like that," I whisper  
"Good," Rey turns back to the pair, agreeing with Poe and pretending as if our conversation did not occur.


	5. Chapter 5

After another heated argument (which is better: an X wing or Y wing) which I had silently listen to, Rey casually states, "I think I'll go head on to bed," I nod, she must want me to visit another night.

"Sweet dreams, sweetheart," I immediately turn my attention to Koden, who is soon blocked as Rey leans across the table. I lean forward slightly to see him  
"Don't call me that, again." She seethes, glaring directly into Koden's calm, pale brown eyes; I am perturbed and unsure how he is not somewhat thrown by her aggressive demeanour.  
"Goodnight, Rey," Poe interjects before Rey's anger overflows, his small smile makes her shoulders relax slightly. She nods once to him before slowly straightening herself into a standing position. I glance at her briefly avoiding eye contact, worried her irritation will return and be directed onto me, I look away. Yet I feel her burning gaze and when I glance back I see she is staring at me, looking at me as if I have done something wrong.  
"I'll just go to my room then…" She trails off. It takes a moment longer before I stand up quickly, Poe looks at me curiously.  
"I'll walk you… to your room." I say firmly, squirming out of my seat.  
"Bye." I call to the two men, I look back at Poe and he raises one eyebrow in suspicion. I turn back around and follow Rey out of the dining hall, taking a few large strides to catch up to her in the hallway.  
"You really are the worst," Rey grunts, "You can never pick up a hint, can you?" She groans.  
I stop walking, "Sorry," I call, she turns around to face me and sighs, I offer her a smile, to which she responds with a painful eye roll and I glimpse a subtle smile before she turns of her heels and continuing to walk to her room, I follow closely behind her.

She leads me down many halls before stopping in front of room 27, Rey opens the door, first I see a wardrobe embedded into the wall beside the door, a small double, partially hidden by an wall, the moonlight from the window behind it dances on the sheets bed underneath a window at the back of the room; a desk in the right corner. Another door on the right leading to what I assume to be a restroom. There is a small sink fixed into the left wall, a few cupboards above it. It is cosy. Rey steps over to her wardrobe, opens it and takes out a long white nightdress. I remove Poe's jacket and place it on the chair at the desk, I hear Rey call to me from the restroom where she is changing, telling me I can sit down. I lower myself onto the edge of her bed, it yields to my weight.  
Emerging a few moments later wearing the gown, she looks simply lovely, but I don't know How to tell her; I take a deep breath and smile at her. She sits beside me, for a while we sit in a strange silence, that isn't uncomfortable, yet it is still somewhat awkward.  
I turn to her, "Did you find Skywalker?" I lean my hands on the bed behind me and lean back, "That is where Poe said you were going," I probe hoping it will lead into a deeper conversation. She nods, bringing her legs up onto the bed and crossing them.  
"I went and returned his Lightsaber-" she begins, but I cut her off  
"Rey!" I groan wrathfully, her eyebrows twitch with concern, and my lips turn up into a big smile "I was getting pretty good with that," I laugh, she huffs as she shakes her head at me.

Rey continues, telling me how and they worked together for a few days, "I had to come back, it was getting too hard to concentrate…" She trails off slightly  
"Why was that?" I ask, she opens her mouth as if to reply, but she doesn't.  
"We flew the falcon back, and brought Luke with us,"  
"Wait, he is here, at base?" I cannot fathom it as Rey says yes, a moment passes where I realise that he is the most important man in the universe. Planets were destroyed in search for him, and he now sleeps just a few hallways away.  
"He will leave again tomorrow; he only came to give his condolences to General Organa." A silence falls upon us, both unsure what to say. I lean forward and bring my hands to my pants, rubbing up and down awkwardly. Rey looks down at her hands, she picks at her fingernails; that's when I notice the small bumps covering the entirety of her exposed arms.  
"Are you cold?" I enquiry, she glances over to me, "Do you want my jacket?" I ask gesturing to its place only a few feet from me. Rey shakes her head.  
"No thank you," She uncrosses her legs and stands up; she walks over a small lamp and flicks the switch on. I twist around to watch her silently walk to the curtains behind me; the moonlight shrinks as the two drapes meet. Rey then pulls back the bedcovers and then conceals her body under them. She pats the spare space beside her, before I realise I am under the sheets too; our bodies lying close together.

"Keep telling me about what you did," I reopen the topic as we lay starting at the ceiling. I occasionally turn my head to look at her; the light of a small lamp illuminates just enough of the room for me to see her features as she grins and frowns and furrows her brows in confusion as she explains her training. As she tells me about how she balanced herself upside down on small rock her voice slowly trails off and she falls asleep, curling up on her side so that she is facing me. I wonder if she has always slept like this: in a protective ball, her knees brought as close to her chest as she can, shielding almost all her vital organs from any predators lurking in the moonlight. I can't take my eyes off of her, and I watch her for longer than I have watched anyone just absorbing the way she looks: so peacefully vulnerable. I contemplate leaving - she is safe - no harm will come to her. Yet I cannot bring myself to even slightly shift my weight in fear it will move the bed. I convincing myself the reason I want to stay is so she doesn't have to worry about what's in the darkness.

I sink deeper under the covers the bed accepting my weight, graciously dipping to fit me, the comfort is indescribable. After more than a week of the harsh surface of my infirmary bed I feel as if I am falling asleep on a cloud.


	6. Chapter 6

I dream of an island surround by water and I picture Rey and I alone, left to be whoever we want to be. I wake when I begin to feel the bed moving beneath me, I open my eyes and in the dim light witness Rey tossing and turning. She rolls over, facing me, resting her head close to mine; I see her eyebrows gather in agony and her eyes twitch under her eyelids. She looks scared, I cannot help myself; I press a kiss to her forehead. I hear her whimper in her sleep and she suddenly jumps up, wide awake, pulling the bed covers with her, her eyes hold a deep fear. I am unsure how to react, so I sit up slowly.

"Are you alright?" I ask, and she doesn't say anything, just stares at me with wide eyes, "Rey, you're safe here," I lightly whisper, I watch her frightened expression subside.

"You're here too…" she half asks, half reassures herself, I nod and lay back down, the covers strewn across the end of the bed, I look at the ceiling, Rey does the same.  
A few moments pass and then out of the corner of my eye I watch her shift her body so she lies on her side, facing me. She takes one of her small hands and places it on my hip, I feel a unique warmth spread out from her touch. Rey focuses on her hand as she runs her fingers slowly across my torso. I continue to look at her, her eyelashes lowering and rising as she blinks, softly rubbing small circles into the fabric of the loose shirt. Her hand makes its way towards my chest. She continues to run her fingers higher, reaching the bare skin where my shirt opens, her fingers are coarse and hardened despite this she gracefully moves her hand up my neck her touch soft and gentle: her delicate fingers cause shivers to run down my scarred spine. Her fingers trail back down my neck slowly, my breathing is shallow, apprehension and curiosity building as her fingers begin dancing across my collar bone, sinking in and out of my shirt as she softly makes her way across my body. "I hear you scream in my nightmares," I feel my shoulders slump with guilt, briefly closing my eyes, knowing it is my fault she whimpers in her sleep. She keeps her focus on her hand, not looking at me as she continues to brush her fingers across my dark skin.

The feeling of apprehension rises and my breathing comes in short bursts as I watch her fingers as she slowly and carefully pulls down my right shoulder sleeve, exposing my wound, glowing a mismatch of dark browns, purples and reds. I am unsure what to expect but she ever so slightly runs her fingers around it, then leans across me, her chest against mine as she lowers her lips and presses a gentle kiss to my scar. I flinch at her touch, not because it hurts, but because I expected it to. Immediately, she yanks my shirt up, lies back and looks me in the eye.  
"So do I," I whisper, for a moment I think she may cry, instead she turns away from me and rolls to the edge of her side. I lean down and retrieve the covers; gradually I pull them up to Rey's chest. As I am about to take my hand away when she grasps it in hers and she tugs my right arm gently over her body, I move so I am on her side of the bed too. She takes my hand and begins to kiss my smooth fingers, I press myself right against her and feel her relax, which is not how I expected her to react. Her nightgown hangs loosely down her arm; I lower my head and lightly kiss her shoulder once before I pull the sleeve up. She moves my arm down slightly spreading my open palm against the fabric of her nightgown precisely where her heart is. I try my best to ignore the way her I ignore the way my hand presses against her breasts and the calm beats pulse rhythmically into my skin are enough to completely distract me. She has her arms wrapped around mine keeping my hand against her chest. I close my eyes and it only takes a few moments before I fall asleep.

I wake in the late morning, Rey is no longer next to me - in fact she is no longer in the room - her side of the bed is pristine, giving the impression that no one slept next to me.  
I am slightly disappointed, but I know her well enough to understand that affection is not something that comes naturally to her; maybe it would be too much to see me after we shared such an unexpected and intimate experience. I am sure I will see her soon. I will pretend it didn't happen, she will too, and I am okay with that.

I crawl out from the sheets, matching my side to hers; eradicating all knowledge someone was under there, and quietly leave her room.


	7. Chapter 7

I walk along the hallways and into my room; my breakfast has been placed on my bed. I sit down on the edge.  
Having eaten most of it when I hear a smug, "Well, well, well..." I look up to see Poe standing in the doorway, "Fancy this: I come for my morning visit to discover a certain someone-" he raises an eyebrow, "-didn't come back to their room last night," Poe walks in and pats my left shoulder, "have a good sleep?" He asks blankly, I nod, and smile a little.

"I did, did you?" Poe laughs, slapping my shoulder before strolling back to the doorway.

He looks back at me over his shoulder, "Not as well as you, I'm sure," he winks, smirking deeply at me. I think I understand his reference but decide I'll ignore it; before I can tell him that I hope he sleeps better tonight, he has disappeared down the hallway.

I finish eating my breakfast, placing the tray beside me; I take a moment to absorb the events of the past few days; stationing my head on my hand. The silence of the room is strange, with no more beeps of machines it almost feels lonely… that is until I hear a quiet knock on the wall, I look up and see Rey standing quietly in the doorway, wearing a gray shirt, a thin vest and tight pant, her arms are bare of her usual coverings.

"Hey," I don't know why I always whisper when I speak to her, I guess I'm afraid I'll scare her away.

"Hi," she doesn't meet my gaze as she paces up to me. I sit up a little straighter, "You left this," She looks down at me then lifts my jacket up, passing it to me I then place it on the bed. I slowly stand up, rising somewhat taller than her, she takes a step back and I frown ever so slightly. I roll my shoulders, releasing the tension, she watches me closely.  
"Does it hurt?" She asks quietly

"Does what hurt?" I query as I slowly rotate my hips, loosening the muscles in my back that have stiffened from sitting down.

"Your exercises?" I shake my head.

"It did in the beginning, but not anymore," She nods slowly, "Do you want to help me?" I request.

"Okay," I smile and take a step closer to her, she timidly puts one foot behind her ready to put space between us, I lower myself onto the floor.

"Stand on my feet," I tell her, she looks at me with confusion, "come one," she does as I ask and I begin to carefully pull myself up, keeping my spine straight and stretching my arms forward. Feeling a tug in my shoulder and back muscles; they're still tender from being overworked the previous afternoon.

"Be careful," She looks down at me with concern and I laugh.

"It doesn't hurt; it'll be okay." I continue to sit up and lay down. She looks down at me, and occasion I'll steal a glance at her eyes, but I mainly watch as her chest rises and falls in the same rhythm as my movements. After a while I direct my concentration to sitting up further, and reaching farther forward. Suddenly, I hear Rey begin to stifle a laugh, "What's funny?" I ask resting my hands behind me and leaning back.

"You're so focused, you looked really…" she seems to be searching for the right words, I raise my eyebrows at her, "I don't know, cute." I twitch my head back as if I had something foreign thrown at my face.

I try my best to hide the giddish feeling that threatens to spill from my heart, and decide to take a more masculine approach. "Cute?" repeat with disgust, I slip my feet out from under Rey's, and push myself off the ground. I take a heavy step forward so that I hover over her, her smile doesn't falter, but as I look into her eyes I see a flash of uncertainty at my intentions. Her surprise is evident as I grip her hips swiftly, she squirms in my arms.

"What are you doing, let me go!" she demands, losing her happy grin. I can tell she is serious. Intimacy is not her forte - expect for last night, and the evening before that - My shoulder tingles at the memory of her lips against me.

"Is it still cute when I do this?" I ask with hooded eyes as I lift her from the ground. She begins to pound against my chest; I bring her down and up again. Her punches start to take effect, Rey may be smaller than me, but she isn't weak. "Hey, stop that," I whine. Unable to hold my insincere, and unsuccessfully intimating façade any longer.

"What are you doing?" She repeats angrily, I place her feet back on the ground but keep my hands on her, I lean forward and whisper in her ear.

"I need to do some lifting, get my shoulder strength back," I feel her shiver as my words breeze through her hair.

"Lift something else," she has lost her anger, and no longer sounds threating.

"I don't want something else…" I whisper, not entirely sure what I mean, I lift her up again. She hates it, I can tell, but I see her smile as I bring her down again.

She leans forward and whispers arrogantly, "You're still cute."

I pull her closer to me. I don't know what I am doing, but I try to make it look like I do. I move my hands lower on her hips, letting my fingers slip under her shirt slightly as I bend my head down so my lips are almost against her skin. I feel an unexpected yet primal urge to kiss her, nevertheless, I attempt to continue my virile attitude, and not crumble at the thought of how deeply and desperately I want to know what it is like when her skin is under my lips.  
"I…" I press my lips lightly below her ear, "Am…" I kiss her harder, lower down her neck, "N _ot_ ," I kiss her even lower; as I slowly trail my lips against her skin back to her ear I move my hands deeper under her shirt, gripping the bare skin of her waist, pulling her gentle body so close to me that we are touching, "Cute." I whisper, so quietly I don't even hear it myself; but I feel her quiver. I pucker my lips against her rough yet soft skin, strange yet unique warmth that spreads from my core turns my blood into fire. I squeeze her tightly, and then loosen my grip slightly, bringing my hands up and down her waist, her small hands rest on the back of my neck, holding my head against her. I become intoxicated by the way the heat flows from her skin, mixed with the faint hint of sand that will never wash away, and the aroma that can only be described as Rey.  
I don't know if she likes the way I kiss her, and it makes me slightly nervous, but these new impulses guide my inexperienced lips without much thought on my behalf. I continue to kiss along her neck, teasing her by barely pressing my lips to her skin. Without warning I passionately, but gently, suck the skin just beneath her ear. She moans my name and it sounds otherworldly, it ripples so deeply through me that I nearly have to lean against something for support.

"Finn!" That wasn't Rey, this person sounds irritated. I lightly run my fingers across Rey's skin as I take my large hands from under her shirt. I kiss her neck once more before I slowly pull out of her hair. I look over to the doorway; Starla has her arms crossed against her chest; her head tilted slightly, lips puckered and her weight shifted onto one side. "You need to do your exercises," Starla does not sound angry, she is serious "I suggest that Rey, doesn't visit in rehabilitating hours. Unless you can keep your hands to yourself," She glances down to where my hands have a snug grip on Rey's waist. I direct my attention back to Rey and am taken aback by the way she looks: her cheeks have a subtle flush to them, her lips parted and her pupils are so large I almost can't see the dark green irises. It takes each ounce of my self-control to not start kissing her again. I hadn't realised it made her feel that way. I never knew someone could look this desirable, and I never knew it would allow for such unexpected reactions from me. "Did you hear me"? Starla queries, I briefly look at her and nod.

"Okay." I respond, looking back to Rey; she closes her eyes and her mouth, rubbing her lips together. Starla waits in the doorway a moment longer before I hear her huff and stroll down the hall.  
Rey sighs heavily.

She reopens her eyes, taking a step back, my grip loosening. "I should… yeah, I should go." She turns away from me and I let her slip through my hands, and she quickly walks out of the room. I almost follow her, but I don't know what to say.

I try my best to get her out of my head, by filling it with an intense workout session. I start lifting and pushing different weights, the training I accomplished for my back assisted in repairing my shoulder. Now I start to complete new exercises to optimise movement and strength. None of them however, are as entertaining as lifting Rey.


	8. Chapter 8

Evening arrives and I go to the dining hall, I quickly scan the room, and see Poe sitting at the back of the room in what I assume to be his usual spot. "Where's Rey?" He asks as I place my tray in front of me,

"I'm not sure, have you seen her?" I ask, twirling the pees around with the prongs of my fork.

"Not for a while," Poe takes a sip of his drink.

"How was your day?" I ask him, he smiles.

"Good, I taught Koden and some of the other young men the ropes. I didn't teach them all the tricks though, gotta keep up my reputation," he winks and I roll my eyes with a laugh. Poe is on the cusp of being too mischievously conceited: I wonder how he hasn't tried to pull off a risky manoeuvre and fail.

The dining room fills and empties, and there is still no sign of Rey. I sit quietly I am the last one in the cafeteria, when the last kitchen droid informs me they are shutting the dining hall for the night and I must leave.  
As I walk out of the room, hearing the door roll down behind me I am torn, turn right and follow the corridor to Rey's chambers, or turn left and stumble back to the infirmary… I choose the latter, concluding if Rey wanted company she would seek it herself.

I arrive back in my room, closing the door and dreading the uncomfortable feel of the metal table they call a bed. I want to feel the weightlessness I did last night, snuggled deep in the covers on a proper mattress. Instead I lay in the darkness, I even miss the obnoxious beeping of the monitors that no longer keep me company – there is complete silence as I drift into a sleepless doze.

Starla greets me with a cheery smile and a good morning, to which I don't respond; a subtle feeling of contempt washes over me at the sight of her. I wonder what would have happened if she hadn't interrupted Rey and I. Starla becomes aware of my irritation towards her, yet carries on, ignoring my passive aggressive attitude. She applies my ointment, gives me my breakfast tray before quietly leaving.

I do not see Rey for another two days, when I do, it is the afternoon.  
She walks past my room, avoiding eye contact, looking at the ground, hoping I wouldn't notice her: but I know it is her. Her hair is in three buns and her arms are strapped in cloth, she wears thin pants and a small jacket. It is as if the light surrounds her, wherever she goes it follows, and when she disappears from my view it is as if darkness arrives.  
Once she passes I sit on the edge of my bed my head in my hands.  
Through the gaps of my fingers I see a silhouette hover in the doorway, I immediately remove my hands to see Starla. Still angry, I look away back down.  
"I brought you your lunch,"

"Thanks," I mumble, she sits down beside me, passing me the tray.

"Shirt off," I pull the loose fabric off my body, I hear Starla twist the metal container open: her warm hands rub the cold ointment into my skin.

"You're not angry at me." She says defiantly, I'm taken aback by her bold, incorrect statement.

"Yes, I-" She cuts me off.

"No, you're angry at yourself," Her tone is calm and sure as she smooths the balm into my scar. I don't understand how she so confidently assumes to know how I feel. "I didn't do anything wrong. You wouldn't be in here sulking if there wasn't something to fix," I look at Starla, her expression is stern, as if she knows she's right, but I don't understand, "Rey didn't walk out of this room because of I told her she should..." She adds, tapping my shoulder, an indication for me to turn and face her.

"Why did she leave?" I look at Starla as she rubs the ointment into my shoulder, she laughs loudly.

"You have to figure that out on your own-" she closes the container and makes her way to the doorway "-because I don't know," she adds and begins to walk down the hall but she quickly sticks her head back in.  
"You're being discharged," she throws me a key card, room 18. I eat my lunch slowly, thinking about what Starla said. She's right, Starla didn't do anything wrong. I'm angry because Rey walked away; I just blamed her for it.

Why did Rey leave? I wonder to myself, what did I do wrong? Maybe she didn't like me lifting her? No it's more than that... Maybe it's because I kissed her? It looked like it made her happy, unless it didn't, maybe she didn't like it at all.  
I push myself to do some exercises to clear my mind; my muscles are slowly thanking me, gaining their strength back.

In the early evening I grab Poe's jacket, and walk out of the medical room, closing the glass door behind me.  
I follow the corridors towards my new room, swipe the card, the room is identical to Rey's room but reversed, the restroom on the left side not the right. I hang Poe's jacket in the wardrobe and turn towards the bed, startled when I see someone curled under the covers. I wonder if I am being made to share, or if Starla made a mistake and gave me an already occupied room.

I stare at the wrinkled sheets and walk up to the left side where my bed thief sleeps. My chest aches slightly when I see Rey, her small hands have pulled the covers up and over most of her face but I see her eyes, ringed with dark circles, her eyes lashes twitch in what I assume to be a deep asleep. I don't know what to do. Trying to understand other people is difficult, especially Rey. Affection isn't the way to go; it only got me in this mess to begin with. I conclude leaving is my best option and slowly exit my new room.


	9. Chapter 9

I enter the dining hall, and sit with Poe for a few minutes; he jokes about me taking all the young women back to my new room, to which I decline. A small piece of me is offended that he thinks I would do such a thing; I do not tell him the only girl I need is already asleep in my bed. I tell him I'm going to eat in my room tonight, as I stand I see Koden approaching, I nod slightly as I pass him. I glance to see that Poe's attention is directed to Koden; then I subtly take two trays and sneak from the hall.

I struggle to swipe the key card in the lock; eventually I'm able to quietly kick the door open enough for me to enter, closing it behind me with my foot.  
Rey is sound asleep. She had rolled over facing the rest of the empty bed; I release a breath I didn't know I was holding after I place the trays on the desk.

"Rey..." I whisper, almost not wanting to disturb her. She immediately wakes up, pushing herself around to face the direction of the sound - to face me. Distrust and fear is written across her features. I step back, wondering how many times something had woken her on Jakku and she reacted like this; my shoulders slump as I imagine it.  
Then I notice it, she is wearing my jacket. It hangs loosely on her body and she has zipped it all the way up, "Finn," she sighs and slips back under the covers, closing her eyes.

"Hey, I got you some dinner," her nose wrinkles and her eyes squeeze shut tighter.

"I'm not hungry," she mutters, pulling the jacket above her nose as she rolls over.

"Okay," I do not push her; I walk over to the small lamp and turn it on before sitting at the desk to eat the warm soup.

"Stop slurping," she groans, through the fabric of the jacket, I can help but laugh.

"Stop sleeping in my bed," I counter playfully, regretting the words as soon as I say them.

She doesn't react how I assumed, "No, I haven't slept in days..." she mumbles, I stop eating.

"Why?" I ask turn to face the bed.

"You know why..." I really don't,

"Because I kissed you?" my voice rises in pitch as I ask.

Her voice is quiet and muffled as she speaks into my jacket, "No, because I liked it," I then find myself on the floor at the edge of the bed.

"Is that why you're avoiding me?" I whisper, "Rey?" she stays silent for a moment.

"Partly," she mutters.

"Why else?" I query.

"You confuse me," I feel like she is keeping something from me, I sense it in the way she seems to shift uncomfortable. I furrow my brow.

"How, what do I do?" I ask quietly.

"I don't know how, I like being around you, but I don't like the way you make me feel," her words cut into my skin.

"How do I make you feel?" My voice in strained and breaks slightly at the end, she takes a moment for her to answer.

"Vulnerable," I let the word sink into the cuts she made, "like I don't have control." She adds before pulling my jacket all the way up and pulling the covers above her head.

"You make me feel confused-" I say loudly so she can hear through the layers she is under, "because one moment you hold me in your sleep and the next you ignore me," Rey rolls over to face me, pulling her face out from under my jacket.

"What do you prefer?" She asks quietly, looking into my eyes.

"Your arms around me..." I whisper.

"It scares me how much I like that too," her face is expressionless and she looks away from me. I stand up but she doesn't seem to notice.

I tip toe around the bed and carefully slip under the covers, the bed moves, so it's obvious she knows I'm on here too, I lay down close to her. She sucks in a sharp, surprised breath as I bring my arm across her body, to the top of her chest and slowly unzip my jacket. I then wrap my arm around her small waist, pulling her back against me. Unexpectedly she twists in my arm, and presses her head against my chest, her arms wrap underneath mine and she holds the back of my shoulders, I don't know if she is consciously aware how perfectly she is avoiding my scar. She sighs as I press my body closer to hers. I let her go for a moment, running my hand along the front of her body until I find the opening, I slip my hand under my jacket and wrap my arm around her waist, I run my large hand up and down the soft fabric of her thin shirt. The gentle motions soothing her, she begins to breathe deeper. I shift us down so I am lying flat on the bed, pulling her with me, her arms underneath me, one of her legs falls between mine; she is practically on top of me and the feeling is unlike anything I have experienced. It is a feeling of peace combined with an amazing burning heat that spreads through my body.  
I wrap my other arm under my jacket holding her closer to me. After a few moments she takes her arms from underneath me where she must have been crushed from my weight. She slowly slides up my body until her head rests in the crook of my neck, she brings her left hand up my chest until she cups the back of my neck, I lean my head down and rest it against hers. I sigh intensely, sensually, and squeeze Rey a little tighter to me.

I wake what must be a few hours later, my arms sliding out from their place against Rey's back. she carefully sits upright, I watch her glow in the light from the lamp, she notices that I am awake,  
"Sorry," She whispers, I watch her slowly remove my jacket and toss is carefully on the chair by the desk, "I was too hot," I nod, too tired to think. I close my eyes and open my arms, inviting her to slide back down against me. She does as I silently request, kissing my cheek before she nestles into my neck again. As I slip into sleep I hear her whisper again that she is sorry.


	10. Chapter 10

"Finn, wake up!" An angry voice shouts as I slowly rise from my deep sleep, I feel my body being shaken relentlessly, "GET UP, MAN!" I open my eyes slightly to see Poe hovering about me annoyed and anxious, his next sentence is jumbled and I only hear him say Rey's name.

"She's right beside me, now let me sleep," I remember how she had slowly slipped out of my grip and curled up beside me later in the night.

"She's leaving…" Poe says sternly, and my eyes fly open and I stare at him for a moment before looking around the room, her body no longer next to mine.

"What?" I heard him, yet I don't understand.

"Rey, I just saw her loading the Falcon!" I am out of the door as he says the last word.

I rush down the corridors, it feels as if they won't end as I constantly weave and dodge everyone in my way. I burst into the open air. I search for the large freighter, seeing it in the distance, at the end of the tarmac, I run towards it.

"Rey!" My voice echoes against the trees, people stop and look at me as I rush towards the ship; begging I can make it before it takes off. I see her loading a crate in the dark dawn light. I continue to run to her, she walks up the ramp, but re-emerges a few moments later.  
"Rey…" Her name shatters through the air as it catches in my throat, she sees me, I take the final paces towards her; grasping her hand in mine.

"Don't touch me," She struggles out of my grip. I am disorientated by her rejection and I don't know what to say; I just stare at her for a while. She is conflicted, I can tell, her face is strong and angry, but her eyes show a misery I've never seen before.

"Where are you going?" I finally ask.

"Back where I belong," She answers, as if it was obvious.

"Jakku?" I ask, I'm confused as to why she'd return to somewhere that has only brought her pain.

"No, to Luke,"

"But he is here…" I don't understand.

"No he isn't I told you he was going to leave," I do remember her saying he only returned to see the General, Rey continues before I can apologise for forgetting, "When I flew him back to the island he told me I needed to return; complete my training." My mouth slips open.

"What? You took him back, when?" I don't understand how she could leave and I wouldn't know about it. Then I remember how I thought she was avoiding me, she was really in another star system. The fact Rey left without telling me feels like a light has been shone in my eyes, and I can't look at her anymore.

"I have to go," I can't quite comprehend exactly what is happening. I notice behind her purple wildflowers grow beautifully up a small hill into disappear into the tree line. The dew on the petals shines in the light of the rising sun; they seem to surround Rey like a frame. I wish I could capture this moment, especially if it will be the last time I see her.

"No," I whisper, unsure what else to say, "No," I repeat, "You told me that you came back, for me," I whisper. I take her hand, she fidgets in my grip but I intertwine our fingers tightly.

"I know," her shoulders slump and her eyes don't meet mine.

"You said you wouldn't leave me," I remember her lips pressed to my neck the first time I had seen her again. I step closer to her, "I don't understand," She tries to turn away from me, but I grab her shoulder, a painful anger bubbles deep inside me, and it makes me feel sick. "Don't turn away from me," My voice rumbles profoundly around us, I feel her flinch and it makes my stomach churn, "Rey," I whine, "please, don't go..." I whisper desperately. I take our hands, spreading her palm against the left side of my chest, "stay here, you can't leave again," I wonder if she can feel my heart breaking as she shakes her head.

"I need to go," she slips her hand out of my grip. "My mind is too clouded by you, you confuse me," I close my eyes, _not this again_ , "I need to train…" She adds, trying to justify herself further.

"But we protect each other, I can't look after you if you're half a galaxy away…" Rey steps back as if she is repulsed by me.

"I can look after myself, Finn, I was doing just fine until you came into my life." My face drops as her words hit me with such intensity. The sun's rays begin to splinter across the sky and softly light Rey's face.

"I – I," I can't form a sentence; I have lost all sense of a logical argument.

"I need to have control, and you need to help the resistance," She takes another step back, "We need different things, Finn." I can see that her mind is made up by the way she keeps nods and walks up the ramp into the Falcon.

"I need you…" I whisper, knowing she cannot hear me. The ship slowly rises from the ground; the purple wildflowers sway in the wake of the blasting engines as the freighter flies towards the rising sun leaving me alone on the tarmac.

The sun is completely visible by the time I hear a voice, "Did she leave?" Poe asks quietly beside me as I stare at the empty space in front of me, I nod. "Why did you let her go, buddy?" I turn to him my mouth parted with surprise and my eyebrows furrowed in abhorrence.

"What?" my voice is low and foreboding, "Do you think I wanted her too?" My hands clench and un-clench as I resist the urge to bury my fists into anything close by, I hate the violent adrenaline that pulses in me; it is such a rare feeling it makes me ill.

Poe shakes his head, "No I didn't mean it like that. Why did you let her go without you?" He slowly rubs my shoulder trying to calm me down.

"Because she doesn't want me-" I look towards him, "I confuse her…" I add and Poe rolls his eyes.

"Women, honestly, they can be so stubborn,"

"Stubborn?" I ask, unsure what he means.

"I've seen how she looks at you; she just doesn't understand that she likes you,"

"No, she told me she liked me, but she doesn't want to,"

"She doesn't understand how much she likes you if she believes she can have control over it,"

"She wants to though, that's why she left," Poe laughs to himself, squeezing my shoulder.

"She will figure it out the hard way then," He leaves me there in the morning light.


	11. Chapter 11

The walk back to my room seems to be over quickly, I push open the door that Poe had left unlocked, knowing I didn't take my room key. Once I am inside I immediately slam it shut in frustration, it is satisfying hearing the loud noise. I stand against the door my chest heaving with indignation and sorrow. I stare towards the bed, the white sheets strewn, half hanging on the floor in my manic attempt to reach Rey. I see my jacket covering the chair where Rey had tossed it last night. I pace over to it and lift it up, remembering the way is hung heavily on her small frame; I let the thick material drop from my fingers.

Absentmindedly I begin to shed my loose clothes leaving a trail as I sulk into the bathroom. I twist the cold faucet, and step into the shower, letting the freezing water cascade down my body. This being the first proper shower in weeks, and not a wet cloth and some antibacterial soap, I had expected it would be soothing, but it feels as if the droplets are small bullets that smash against my body.

My vision starts to blur at the intensity of the low temperature. I close my eyes resting my hand against the cool tiles in front of me for support. I idly twist the hot faucet, and the water gradually develops warmth. I don't know how long I stand under the water for before I slowly rub some cleansing products in my hair, my arms are heavy, but my hands are weak and I do not have the strength to lather it in properly, so I just let the water unevenly distribute it and wash it from my hair. I use a cloth and some body wash to clean myself. Running the cloth over my body feels like I'm shedding something, I just don't know what. As I reach my chest and neck I start to scrub harder, using all my strength to erase the memory of her precious face against my body. I let the soap bubbles wash down the drain before turning the faucets off and stepping out onto the tiled floor. I try to avoid my reflection as I dry myself down with a towel, but I see it. I look at my neck and chest, a deep red rash has appeared, rubbed raw from my harsh assault, small bruises and pools of blood are visible under my skin. I quickly look away, wrap the towel around my waist and walk to the wardrobe. I open it and take out some of the complimentary clothes, all of the shirts a size too big so that they do not rub against my scarred back.  
I pace over to the bed and methodically push the sheets back in their place, I glance at the clock on the desk, it the nearly two o'clock in the afternoon; I notice the trays, untouched from where I left them last night. I suddenly feel a hunger gnaw at me, having not eaten since I finished half my soup, I pack the trays together and leave the room.

I place them on the conveyer belt that leads into the kitchen; the hall is almost empty, only a few men sit in a corner talking quietly. I take a small lunch pack with some fruit and a cup of water, and sit at Poe's table alone.

Koden walks in, spotting me he smiles and makes his way to the table, sitting down across from me. "Whoa, Finn!" He such my name with a shocked intensity, "Are you alright? You should get your neck looked at by a nurse, you seem to have a rash,"

"I'm fine, it's nothing." I utter quietly. We sit in an awkward silence for a moment.

"You seemed to be in a rush this morning," his happy tone makes my teeth clench; I shrug, not wanting to discuss it with him.

"Yeah, I guess I was," I don't make eye contact, swirling the small amount of water around in the cup.

"Where was Rey going?" I slump down further, resting my head on my hand. His interest in her gets under my skin.

"Away." I curtly respond, either Koden cannot perceive my chipped tone, or he chooses to ignore it because he continues to talk even when I clearly do not want to partake.

"It must be exciting for her, becoming a Jedi," I glance up towards him for a moment, I see something in his eyes, but I cannot identify what it is.

"Hmm," I mumble, "Anyways, I have to go." I stand up, walking out of the hall before he replies.

As the days go on Poe catches me up on all of the events that transpired while I recovered: the remaining fleet of the First Order has scattered, but it won't take long for them to recuperate and begin a counterattack. All the Intel the resistance has received from Koden indicates that Kylo Ren has disappeared, but no one knows where; nor if he may return. Every few mornings I join Starla for breakfast in the medical ward and she applies the ointment to my scars.

I will join Poe for the rest of the day, helping him out, joining his cadets and learning how to pilot an X-Wing and how to fix one. Poe says he will have to see if there are any permanent jobs that I can apply for and become a true member of the resistance. I say that'd be a great idea, but I truly don't feel like it would be.  
Poe helps take my mind off Rey, however, none of it seems to work. I always end up at my door; a small piece of optimism ignites each time I open it as I hope a beautiful girl will be curled up in my sheets. Every time I am disappointed.

Her screams are my alarm clock, waking me from my frequent nightmares. Sometimes I don't understand what happens in them: I cannot see, I'm stuck in an unfathomable darkness where all I hear are her cries and all I feel is her pain.  
When the sun starts to shine I have to physically drag myself up and begin my day knowing it will always come full circle.


	12. Chapter 12

As the weeks pass, the small fire of hope that burns before I enter my room reduces to smouldering, blackened coals.  
I can't quite fathom my feelings: more often than not I feel a cavernous emptiness, like a glass without liquid, waiting to be filled. With each passing day I feel a gnawing sensation that I do not belong here. However, I do not belong anywhere. I am no one without the identity I was graciously bestowed with amongst the rush of adrenaline and fear. With a past of broken anonymity, I'll forever be a fugitive; fleeing from the aftermath of crimes and adventures I was thrust into.  
I may have been liberated from conformity but I will forever be in a fragile limbo of glancing over my shoulder.

One night before I fall asleep I remember what Maz Kanata had said to me: That I have the eyes of someone who wants to run _._ I still do, I want to leave, disappear to a place while I can still escape. Maybe then the image of Rey won't haunt me when I sleep.

This morning marks a month since Rey left, I lay in my bed under a thin sheet, my arms behind my head, staring at the ceiling. I jump slightly as someone knock thrice on the door – no one comes to my room, not even Poe. "Coming," I call out evicting myself from the single sheet that I was laying under, leaving the bed covers untidily strewn in all directions. The weather has warmed up significantly even with the closed curtains my room is already humid.

I rummage through my closet, finding a shirt I quickly slip it over my bare chest. I put on some thin pants as I awkwardly hobble to open my door. Starla stands before me, wearing her nurse's outfit, her blonde hair pulled back like always and she is holding a tray with a glass of juice and porridge. I step aside and let her in.

"Good afternoon," she states as she places the tray on the desk.

"Afternoon?" I question, Starla nods slowly with her eyebrows raised.

Taking in my untidy bed she curiously asks: "Have you been in bed all day?"

"Yes, it's only morning," I reply, confused. Starla glances around the room and takes the small clock from the desk, handing it to me.

"When you didn't come for breakfast I assumed you were busy with Dameron..." I look at the clock face which reads three pm, I stare at it. Had I really stayed in bed all day, just lying there?

"I, I didn't realise the time, sorry," I can't explain myself; I don't even have an excuse.  
Starla ignores my comment.

"Then when he was brought into the infirmary he wished you'd seen his crash-" I cut her off immediately

"What, Poe crashed, is he okay?" Starla sighs.

"If you'd let me finish, he crash landed... Yes, he is in a neck brace-" She notices how wide my eyes get, but quickly explains before I interrupt her, "-but it is just a precaution, he's still undergoing some tests, I'm sure he will be fine,"

"I need to see him," I state, already walking to the door.

"Finn, come back." Starla's serious tone makes me walk back to face her. "How long has it been since I've seen you?" She asks with one eyebrow raised and her lips pursed.

"Three?" I question quietly, and she moves her head up and down slowly, she doesn't have to ask I turn around and pull my shirt over my head.

"Good. Finn, it looks a lot better, having you been noticing?" I think about it for a moment and realise I hadn't ever looked at my scar properly.

"To be honest, no," I admit.

"Come over here. She opens my wardrobe and makes me stand in front of the full length mirror "Look." I glance over my shoulder there is a mismatch of skin, all different shades from dark to light. There are some large deep red patches and small stark white lines; it is hideous but I know it has healed considerably. Starla's familiar touch rubs the ointment into my shoulder; the burn has scarred, but is hardly noticeable. I watch as she strokes the ointment into the large mutilation on my back, it is a strange sight to behold.

Starla takes her hands away and I place my large shirt over my skin. She then twists the metal lid back on the container, making her way to the door.

"Thank you,"

"Eat your lunch, then you can go and see Dameron, deal?"

"Deal," I reply, she smiles at me cheerfully before walking out of my room closing the door behind her.

I quickly eat my meal before I leave my room and walk down the hall will my tray, placing it on the conveyer belt in the dining hall. I feel awkward and out of place as I pace around the twisting corridors to the infirmary. I stop at the front desk and ask where Poe is, I'm directed to ward 6. As I walk in a nurse is removing the brace around Poe's throat. "You'll stay the night so we can keep an eye on you, no more stunts." He orders, Poe replies with a mock sault.

"Yes sir." The nurse rolls his eyes and I hear BB-8 beep firmly as if saying he will make sure of it. The nurse leaves, almost bumping into me on his way out.

"Finn, oh buddy, you missed it, I can't believe you missed it!" His disappointment and excitement mix and I laugh.

"What did you do, are you okay?" I ask pulling a chair up and sitting next to his bed.

"It was awesome. I took up Koden's challenge to fly around the training course without BB-8, I was blindfolded too!" Poe is thrilled by his bold effort, BB-8 beeps in sad disappointment and I look at Poe with my mouth open; his careless attempt to prove his protégé right baffles me.

"You could have died..." I state, Poe sits up slightly and grips my shoulder.

"Finn, I wish you wouldn't worry so much. Anyway, I did it, I completed the entire course." I stay quiet as Poe explains his miraculous strategy, his eyes shine with satisfaction. "It wasn't until I made my landing approach that I realised the brake controls jammed and the wings weren't expanding. The emergency collision avoidance sensors activated and shut down the autopilot and I was able to manually key in the emergence brake sequence," he takes a breath.

"Blindfolded?" Even though I am sure he could, it would be a dangerous endeavour, even for Poe Dameron.

"Yep, couldn't see a thing," I snort out a laugh at his overconfident faith in himself, " I guess it turned out to be a bit more of a controlled fall rather than a landing, but I did it." He boasts and I sigh. A trace of a smile on my lips as I watch him suck his teeth, shrug his shoulder in haughtiness and causally place his arms behind his head in a pompous manner.

"Well I didn't doubt you'd be able to finish the course, why did you do it?" I ask.

"I just wanted to prove that I could, I have to keep my reputation up," He grins, but I feel there is a greater depth to his words.

"Are you alright though, what have the doctors said?" Poe's grin fades into a tender, friendly one.

"I'll be fine, just have to stay overnight so they can make sure I don't develop a concussion or show any other symptoms." I nod.

"Okay, well I'll stay with you." I readjust myself slightly into a comfortable position.

"Finn, you don't have to," I smile.

"You'd spend so much time with me when I was hooked up to all these-" I gesture to the all too familiar beeping machines behind his bed. "- it's about time I returned the favour." Poe takes his arms from behind his head, losing his smug demeanour.

"Okay," Poe agrees, we sit in a comfortable silence for a while. "So where were you anyway?"

"In my room, didn't realise the time," he gives me a look of understanding but I don't meet his gaze for very long.

"How's your back going, I saw Starla head to give you your treatment." This is the first time Poe has brought up anything that occurred that night on Starkiller Base since Rey left.

"It's as good as it'll ever be." Poe sighs, imaging what it must look like.

We talk for the rest of the afternoon. Having no-where to be, and nothing else to do Poe happily talks my ear off about his life. It is liberating for me to have my time filled so joyously, I listen to his voice as it dances through the air, thumping along with the beeps of the machines.  
I feel our bond grow deeper, developing into something pure and forgiving, even if sometimes he fades in and out due to his medication flooding his system.

After I steal some of his dinner I end up falling asleep in the uncomfortable chair, my head resting on the edge of the bed.

Morning arrives and a communication droid sluggishly stomps in, waking me from my slumber; my muscles protest as I try and sit up. I hear BB-8's motors quietly humming right beside me, almost purring as the small ball conserves power. Poe's arm lazily rests on top of his favourite companion; it is quite a pleasant sight to behold, making me smile drearily before that loud, obnoxious gray droid begins to relay its contents. "Message for Poe Dameron-" Poe opens his eyes idly and stares at the droid "-and Finn," The droid takes a strange pause as if waiting for something before continuing, "Do you wish to receive this message now?"

"Yes," Poe doesn't wait for my response; I am confused as to why the message is also addressed to me.

"Said pilot and Rebel are to attend this month's conference held at precisely 13:00. located in the core military base headquarters."

"Thank you," Poe calls as the droid stomps out.

"Why I am supposed to attend?"

"I'm sure there is a reason," Poe smiles, swinging his legs off the bed

"Come on, I'm getting out of here, another moment with these beeping machines will drive me crazy," I realise just how comforting they were to me last night, reminding me of the nights I would stay on the hard bed and sleep away my physical pain; at least I knew that would heal.


	13. Chapter 13

I return to my room and do some exercises before leaving to attend the meeting. I delve deep underground into the military compound; I haven't been down here since I helped organised how I'd disable Starkiller base. When I arrive the room is buzzing with people and droids as they circle around the hologram projector, looking at a new design of X-Wing. Poe is already here, arguing that the fighter couldn't be improved.

One of the remaining fleet members, Jessika, pats him on the shoulder, "It's for your benefit, we can't risk anymore malfunctions," Her tone is serious, but she is weary of speaking too harshly to her superior, "What if it had of been a rookie in you fighter, not you?" She raises an eyebrow at him.  
"Do you underestimate how well I teach the cadets?" She shakes her head, "I wouldn't let them," Poe rebuts and Jessika nods understandingly.

I sit quietly in a seat near the hologram. When it flickers off most of the seats fill, yet the room continues to hum with voices.

General Organa orders for silence and everyone immediately quietens down and her eyes meet mine from across the room, "Finn, it's good to have you back…" I feel extremely embarrassed and singled out, the pilots and resistance elite look in my direction, I flush.

"Thank you," my lip twitches into a tiny smile. She continues to look at me as if willing me to answer a question she didn't ask; I blink, my eyes darting around the room, it seems as if everyone is looking to me. I slip down slightly in my seat. Poe, who sits beside the General, quietly whispers to her.

"Finn-" I look quickly to the General, "Do you have any insight into where Kylo Ren would have disappeared to?" Internally I cannot help but question her motives, is she looking for Kylo Ren? Or is she looking for Ben?

"I assume if he got off Starkiller Base that he went to Snoke," the room stays quiet, my suggestion obviously has been mentioned before.

"Do you know where he is?" the General probes, I shake my head.

"No, I am sorry General." Mumbles of annoyance ripple through the ranks.

"Do you have any other knowledge?" I shake my head once again.  
Disappointed murmurs ripple through the ranks.

"All I know is Kylo Ren is reckless, he cannot control his anger, if we cannot find him it won't be long until he makes a foolish mistake," I say confidently, trying to rally the men and women. They don't appear enthusiastic about waiting, and continue to whisper amongst themselves.

The General sits down and seems to fade into a lonely place; I look down and rest my hands on my cheeks. A soft touch to my shoulder makes me look up, I watch as Poe sits beside me.  
"Chin up, buddy," He smiles slightly.

"They're all talking about me…" I whisper quietly.

"Don't take it to heart. You were the only one left who might have been able to offer a new insight, they're just a bit discouraged, that's all." His reassurance makes me smile, "There we go," He grins, his eyes squinting, he pats my shoulder. "Why don't you come and help Koden and I fix my X-Wing?"

"Okay, I will," Feeling the urge to occupy my mind.

Poe leads the way out to the hangars at the back of the base. Koden emerges from the cockpit and steps down the ladder as we approach.  
"How does she look?" Poe calls out as Koden places his feet on the tarmac.

"I think you'd better take a look Black Leader. Why don't you give a once over in the cockpit and I'll check the wires in the brake engine," Poe agrees that is a good idea and climbs up the ladder. I awkwardly stand near Koden while he stand beneath the Fighter fiddling, and tightening a few cables under a hatch at the front of the ship.

"Finn, buddy, can you go to the back and tell me if the wings expand," I do as he asks.  
That's when I notice a group of six pilots, dressed in their orange suits walking in two rows, their helmets under their arms, laughing in camaraderie. One of the pilots whistles as he passes and Poe sticks his head out of the cockpit. A smirk plasters on his face as he notices his fellow comrade.

"Get her back in the air, Dameron," His voice is full of pleasant humour.

"Will do, Snap," He calls to his friend. I remember him from my first meeting, Wexley I think his name was, he must have survived the attack on Starkiller Base; one of the lucky ones. I suddenly feel alone again, knowing I do not truly belong here. The drone of the engines and motors become intense as the surrounding X-Wings take flight to survey the planet and make sure nothing is amiss. The deep humming fades as they speed away in different directions. Out of the corner of my eye I see the wings on Poe's fighter slowly open, as if it is breathing.

"Yeah, Finn they're expanded," I call loudly too him.

"Thanks, let me know if they close,"

"Will do," I respond, I guess my form of 'helping' is pretty basic.

That's when I see it, two aliens walking out of a freighter in the loading dock zone on the other side of the runway. I watch them with intent as they are greeted by General Organa; she shakes their strange yellow three fingered hands. I cannot hear their conversation, but The General follows the aliens on board and I cannot help but think back to when I was about to trade travel for my labour with the Alien's on Takondana.  
The main ship would be the size of three X-Wings, but it has two extremely large cargo holds attached to each side. I wonder what they contain, and if it is suitable for human travel... Once the idea arises in my mind I cannot fathom another thought. Deep down, it feels right to move on, start a quiet life away from all the craziness of the resistance, and the threat of the first order. The longer Kylo Ren stays in hiding the longer I have to disappear.  
I continue to stare at the freighter; The General re-emerges helpful to carry off the crates with the resistance medical logo painted clearly on the sides. She extends her arm back towards the compound and they follow her inside.

"I don't understand…" Poe's voice draws my attention back to him, I hear him rustling in the cockpit. The one job I was given I couldn't even complete without getting distracted. I quickly glance to the wings and release a deep breath when I realise the wings are still open, Poe jumps onto the tarmac a moment later. "It doesn't seem like anything is wrong." He says, frustrated, wiping his hand across his sweaty forehead smearing thick, grease smudge in its wake.

"That is really strange," I am at a loss to diagnose the issue, but I am sure if there was a problem Poe could figure it out.

"I checked the wires, none of them were lose," Poe shrugs.

"I'll get BB-8 to run a diagnostics test, and take her for a test spin tomorrow," I nod, and Koden agrees that would be the best thing to do.

Poe and Koden decide it is time for a well-earned break, and I nods, they deserve it, I just stood still and watched a parked freighter.


	14. Chapter 14

We eat our lunch at our normal table, and Koden tells us he feels like eating in his room, I find it strange. Then I realise maybe he has somewhere more important to be; and I cannot judge him because I gave the same excuse when Rey was in my room.  
I stare past Poe; towards the door as I watch the two yellow creatures walk into the dining hall and sit in a shadowy corner, speaking in their native language.

"What's the matter?" I direct my attention back to Poe who looks at me with a concerned but almost knowing expression.

"Poe, I can't stay here..." I whisper quietly to him even though we are alone at the table.

"I know," Poe smiles weakly at me; I know he feels our friendship as deeply as I do, but I'm surprised by his reaction. "I know," he repeats again quietly.

"I can't help you, I'm next to useless here and I'm only a target. The First Order will search for me; retribution runs like blood through their ranks..." I try to make him understand, although I feel he already does.

"You heard about the cargo freighter, didn't you?" I nod my head, "I'll see what I can do," he stands up from the table.

"What do you mean?" I am baffled by his response.

"I'll get you a spot on that ship," He pulls his lips together in a kind smile.

"Really? Poe, thank you," I say with true sincerity, I feel guilty for being happy about his promise.

"Anything for you, Finn," as soon as he starts to walk down the corridor, BB-8 appears from the opposite direction and trails after him.

I stay in the hall until closing, sitting in the quiet knowing I do not fit in here, it always was a temporary sanctuary; yet I feel I'd be welcome if I returned.  
I do not turn the light on when I enter my room; I just remove my clothes and put on some of the night attire before sliding under the sheets. Tossing and turning only to have what little sleep I can acquire broken by nightmares and memories.

I wake to see a small folded piece of paper on the carpet by the door.

Finn,  
I have bargained with the pilots of the freighter and they have agreed to deliver you to the outer rim: they leave this afternoon.  
Thank you for your contribution to the  
resistance.  
Yours sincerely

\- General Organa.

I slowly pack my small bag, taking the clothes from in the wardrobe, a blaster and the large weapon Han Solo had so generously giving me. Lying Poe's jacket across the top, I zip it up and swing it over my shoulder. I stand in the door way and take a brief look back into my room: recalling the first time I walked in. Rey's fragile body curled under the sheets. I cannot help but wonder how long she was planning to leave without telling me; the thought causes a strange tingling of betrayal, which is overridden by a gnawing sadness. I can no longer look back, so I turn and close the door. As I walk out I almost bump into Poe.  
"I'll miss seeing you around, buddy," he says immediately.

"I'll miss you too," Poe gently wraps his arms around me, and I him, and we embrace in the middle of the corridor, my bag getting slightly in the way of us.

"I better go, I'm already late for another meeting," He sounds unimpressed and starts to walk away, "I'll tell BB-8 you'll miss him,' he calls back with a laugh, it fades away with the distance but I can't help but keep smiling.

I am standing at the door leading to the hangars when I realise I had forgotten to do something very important.  
I rush back through the corridors, my bag large swinging, and knocking into the walls, and passers-by. The doors slides open and I slow my pace to a fast stroll, and approach the desk. "Have you seen nurse Starla?" I ask, the droid directs me to where she is staring at a large book on the counter.

"Starla," I call out to her, she looks up in my direction, smiles and paces over to me.

"What are you doing here?" She enquires, stepping us out of the way of a large gurney, and into an unoccupied room.

"I am… I- I mean, I can't stay here" I stutter over the words, and she smiles and closes her eyes, nodding slowly.

"I was waiting for this," she admits, opening her eyes which are soft and caring.

"What do you mean?"

"I knew you wouldn't stay around forever, I could see it in your eyes," _what is it with me and my eyes…_ I wonder to myself.

"Well, I came to say thank you for everything you have done for me," her smile fades, and she sighs, "You've been so helpful and I don't think I-" she cuts me off.

"Don't, you don't have to say that. Finn, you're strong and you would have been just fine without me," my lips turn up in a half smile. Starla takes a step closer to me, and I feel my heart skip anxiously, "I don't say this but-" she steps up on her tiptoes, bringing herself considerably closer to my height, "you're welcome," I hold my breath as she closes the space between us. I relax as her lips press lightly to my cheek in such an innocent and kind way; she places her heels on the ground.

"I better go. I couldn't have had a better nurse," Her eyes sparkle at my complement, "Goodb-" Starla has become as bad as me when it comes to interrupting.

"Don't say it," She demands, her eyes lose their shine. I feel as if there is a lot more to Starla than I ever discovered.  
She walks out of the room and does not look back at me before returning to her reading.

The warm sun dances across my skin as I walk out into the loading dock. I look to the edge of the forest the Millennium Falcon stationary in its usual position, and I am again reminded of Rey, I try my best to ignore it by looking for my transport. I see a small freighter and I introduce myself to the two aliens that will be my delivers. Obviously seeing me as just another piece of cargo they are not interested in who I am; shuffling me on board and pointing with crooked, yellow fingers through a door. I tentively walk in, waiting for them to switch on a light, which they do not do. The larger alien closes the door just as I sit on a small box beside a large crate. I'm plummeted into an abysmal darkness once the door seals shut. Unable to see my own hands in the blackness I begin to lose all sense of myself and it causes severe disorientation.  
I feel the uneasy motion of the ship lifts into the air. A loud bang and growling hiss of the unseeable creature next to me causes me to jump back. I close my eyes, my personal darkness is a lot more comforting compared to the one I am surrounded by.


	15. Chapter 15

The ride to the outer rim is taking hours, with temporary landings to refuel and drop off cargo. The temperature keeps rising in the dark, claustrophobic cargo hold: sweat drips down on my forehead and my stomach churns in discomfort.

After more time passes I begin to wish for the obnoxious beeping from the monitors in my old room; because the sounds of these unknown creatures in the dark is unnerving to say the least.  
The heat and disgusting smells almost cause me to lose consciousness; my pounding headache is like a painful melody willing me to sleep…

The sound of the door suddenly opening shocks me into becoming aware. I open my eyes and see the room around me for the first time in hours. I hadn't felt the ship land this time, but I am shoved off board along with a range of boxes, and left in a foreign world, watching my couriers fly away.  
I glance down at the ground, lovely, lush grass pokes through the dirt; I look up and see the land fall away a few metres in front of me, I walk over to the edge. There is a large cavernous drop into the raging ocean below. I look to my left, and then to my right, there are forests on either side. I look over my shoulder, the trees wrap around enclosing me in a circle of green. I hear the call of a small flock of birds as they erupt from the trees behind me and into the cloudy sky, flying in the direction of the orange sun. The air is warm and humid and I feel the sweat drip down my forehead. Where in the galaxy am I? Why did general Organa order for me to be sent here? I wanted to start a new life, and I won't be able to do that on a planet that only has birds as company. I notice a presence close to me; I turn around cautiously, my hand on the zipper to my bag, ready to dig for my blaster. That's when I see her, standing on the other side of the clearing. The sun seems to break free from its cover and she glows under its rays. Resembling the ancient myth of an angel, her hair isn't in the three buns she wears when she has more important thing to worry about than her hair; instead all of it is gathered like a halo which crowns her head.

I am unable to move, and neither can she. Neither of us speaks, I silently thank The General for sending me here; and I thank the aliens for delivering me to her. She has a beautiful smile on her face, her skin almost shines in the light of the sun and she almost doesn't seem real. Once my mind can comprehend that she is on the other side of the glade my feet start to move, pressing the grass down under my feet as I stride up to her. She stays where she is, as if she expected me to arrive. I don't know what to do when I reach her: do I shake her hand? Do I hug her? Do I not touch her at all? I decide that a gentle hand to her shoulder will suffice. I can tell I am grinning from the way my cheeks start to ache. I am just about to reach her; and her unexpectedly opens her arms invitingly, elated by her offer and I rush to embrace her. I close my eyes as I am about to wrap my arms around her, but she disappears and my arms grasp only at the air.

I reach out to try and find her, but she is nowhere to be found, and I cannot reopen my eyes. I am in darkness and it is suffocating. I fumble around searching for her, attempting to open my eyes. The soft grass disintegrates and I feel my entire body lying upon a grainy surface. The sharp tang of salt and biting scent of sand floods my scenes. My throat is dry and I feel my upper limbs push me up. My sight returns and I looking directly at the yellow crushed shells I was face down upon. I hear the roar of the waves and feel my heart sink as the realisation washes over me.  
I sit back upon my legs, overlooking the ocean; the sun's warmth is satisfying unlike the one in the cargo hold.  
I stand to my feet, remove my laced up boots and leave them with my bag which is next to me on the sand. I stare right ahead and walk directly towards the water, the feeling of the sand beneath my toes is oddly comforting. I roll up my pants and let the clear blue water approach me, the sensation of the small waves crashing against my bare skin is foreign but soothing. I wonder what else is on this planet, having not yet seen someone else, but I have a strong belief I can start a life here. One far away from the First Order, away from the Resistance... Away from Rey: the first person who looked at me like I was someone to be admired. I won't see that look in anyone else's eyes again, and I am oddly grateful.  
I wonder if she would like the ocean, or if the sand would remind her of her home...

The ocean chases after me as I walk out, and back to my belongings. I collapse down onto the warm sand, spreading my limbs to absorb the warmth of the sun, the cold wind running up my body, as I close my eyes.

A few days have passed, I have explored this new world, a large township, and housing estates occupy most of the world I have seen so far. I decide I will have to look for some employment if I am to survive and start a real life here.

It is the late morning when I enter the general store, which stocks exotic fruits and essential items and I ask if they have any availabilities. The owner of the store tells me to return in a week or so for he has a suspicion one of his employees is going to move to another colony.  
"Thank you, you wouldn't happen to know where I could find a temporary position until then?" I ask, living off what I can find will not be sufficient for much longer.  
"Are you new here, I haven't seen you in our colony before?" He is genuinely curiously, glancing at the large bag I awkwardly carry everywhere.  
"I flew in a few days ago, wanted to start somewhere new," I admit, and he nods in an understanding manner.  
"If you like, you could return tonight and assist in stocking the shelves and making sure there isn't any produce or products that are not suited for sale. I'll give you a small profit," I try to contain my joy at the thought of being able to purchase something with money that I earned,  
"Thank you! Yes, please, I would appreciate that," The owner extends his hand and I take it firmly. He nods in a kindly dismissive manner, and I smile in return before exiting the store.

I stroll happily down the street towards to ocean, my bag swinging against my hip. A few clouds occasionally obscure the shining sun which causes the wind to pick up a bitter chill, but the warmth I feel inside compensates for the occasional bout of goose bumps.  
I pace towards the ocean, letting my bag fall from my shoulder as I take off my shoes, placing them next to me as I lay down upon the sand. I close my eyes, the crashing waves creating a calming rhythm that sends me to sleep.

In a foggy, confused state I feel the wind become extremely cold. My eyes rapidly flutter open. That wasn't the wind, it was the ocean. I look up from my soaking pants and to the horizon. I recognise it instantaneously, flying directly for me, the Millennium Falcon…


	16. Chapter 16

The waves lap across my legs as the ocean ripples under the force of the antigravity boosters. I sit up quickly scurrying away from the approaching ocean. I hope Chewie is on a mission that doesn't include me, and this is a coincidence. I stole quickly back up the sand, grabbing my shoes and bag. The Falcon lands on the shore but I do not turn around.  
"Finn!" Poe's desperate cry makes me stop in my tracks. "Finn, please we need your help," I turn to look at him, slightly annoyed that my friend understood why I needed to leave but came to drag me back anyway. However, I can't ignore the way I relax at seeing him again.

"I can't go back, Poe, I'm sorry..." I turn on him, but he is by my side before I can take another step.

"It's Rey," I furrow my brow, ignoring the way my heart fluttered in response to her name, maybe she wants me to return. Maybe she's hurt… That's when I feel a strange anxiety crawl deep into my skin.

"What about her?" I brush some sand off me bare foot.

"Kylo Ren got the map, he'll go looking for Luke, but Rey will get in the way," Poe rushes out his explanation and I begin to feel the same distraught emotions as when I witnessed Kylo Ren carrying Rey's unconscious body on board his command shuttle.

I am in the cockpit of the Falcon as Poe and chewie start the hyperdrive ignition process before I had time to put my shoes on. BB-8 is beside me, leaning against the wall for support.

"How did they get the map, only BB-8 had it, didn't he?" I look towards the droid

"Uh-" Poe hesitates, "-One of the rookies had disabled BB-8 temporarily," The small droid drones quietly. Lowering his head in remorse, I reach out my hand and place it on his domed head, "and he stole the piece from his storage draw the night after you left, we found out this the afternoon," I stay silent, unable to think straight as Poe dumps the news on me.

"If someone has the map where are we going?" I ask, dreading returning to the resistance base.

"To Luke's island, there is ghost copy of the route in the memory drive, we can key in the coordinates..." I nod, even though he is not looking in my direction.

Some time passes before I ask: "How did you find me?"

"Open your bag," he calls to me over his shoulder as he pilots the Falcon through Lightspeed, I unzip the rucksack, Poe's jacket folded neatly on the top. I leave it in there.

"No the side pocket," I see a small flap, lifting it up to expose another zip, which I slide open. It reveals a small pouch I hadn't noticed before; inside I see a small black rectangle with a small flashing red light.

"What is it?" I ask, turning it in my fingers.

"A tracker, The General wanted me to put one on you, just in case..." He trails off.

"The first order found me?" I offer a conclusion to his thought.

"Yeah, or if you ran into some trouble," I don't know why General Organa would be so considerate, but it humbles me. "I slipped it in when we said goodbye," I smile in disbelief,

"Did you _really_?" I say with mock disgust, to which Poe turns somewhat to face me, noticing my smile his lips twitch up too.

Chewie grunts and groans; Poe translates, "He said, we'll be landing soon, Rey usually climbs up the cliff face,"

"Thank you," I say to both of them, Chewie happily groans and Poe nods.

"You're the only one she'll listen to, we had to get you," I shrug off his comment, choosing not to argue I'm the reason she left.

I walk through the corridors of the ship, arriving at the ramp as we come out of Lightspeed. We land on another beach; this one has pebbles as a shore. The ramp lowers; I find my feet on the slippery ground before it has fully touched the ground. Poe calls me back before I go too far.  
"Wait... Here." He passes me the tracker; I nod and pat his shoulder. He tells me to find Rey and Chewie will look for Luke.

I rush to find her, jogging up the uneven path and steps; occasionally the jagged rocks graze across my arms, cutting my skin. I am running with no direction at all to somewhere she could be in danger with no defence and no weapon, but I do not turn around to retrieve my blaster. I am almost at the top; I don't know what I'd do if Kylo Ren is already here, I have nothing but my body to protect her. I told her we defend each other, and it's time to prove to her I meant it.  
"Rey!" I shout once I burst onto the jagged surface of the island. "Rey," I frantically call again. I search, calling her name every few moments, sometimes louder, sometimes quieter. The rock covered hills make it impossible to have a clear view of more than a few hundred feet in front of me. I ascend up a large hill, "Rey," I call,

"Finn?" I hear an unsure and cautious reply from somewhere above me, I cringe at the anguish in her voice, desperately continuing to search for her.

"Rey..." my whimper echoes against the rocks.

"Finn…" her voice is hesitant, and I trek further up and around a pile of rocks. Finally I see her.

I can't quite describe how it felt to see her… Relieved and every word associated with it. I'm thankful that she is alive. I feel as though I have been released from the vast emptiness I'd felt since she left. Such a deep reassurance flows through me because I feel strong when I am with her she brings a courage out of me I had not realised I possessed. However, I did not have time to mentally process all of this; all I can comprehend is that she is physical here.

Her hair pulled into the familiar three buns, her face has smudges of sweat and dirt. I run to her. Her confusion is evident as I stand directly in front of her, having not yet surveyed around to see if there are any viable enemies.  
"Rey-" I take her face in my hands, and she flinches away in surprise, "Is he here? Has he come for you?" I say frantically, she tilts her head, her eyes squinting. I look away from her, searching the terrain surrounding us, there are rocks in order from smallest to largest placed in a strange semi-circle at our feet but no one else is here.

"Who are you talking about, Finn? What are you doing here?" She asks bewildered, her breathing is heavy and she is noticeable uncomfortable, but I don't have time to let my feelings be hurt by her distant and cold disposition towards me.

"I don't have time to explain, do you trust me?" She blinks and I don't know if that is a yes or no. I slip my hands from her face and down her arms, she retracts from my touch. My hands grip her waist and I slip the tracker silently into her pocket, unbeknownst to her. I do not take my eyes from hers; she nods. I flicker my eyes to her hand, then back up to her, "Come on..." I quickly turn from her and run out the way I came. I have to twist my head around to make sure she is following; her steps are silent on the uneven ground, and it astounds me.  
I slip and stumble down the face of the island. I can see the Falcon at the bottom of what seems like an endless amount of steep, unsteady steps. Rey sees our transport and stops suddenly. I quickly turn around my forehead creased with urgency "Rey, we have to go..." She shakes her head; my jaw goes slack and my head starts to ache.

"What about Luke?" I sigh.

"Chewie is looking for him." My answer is rushed.

"He'll be meditating. Chewie won't be able to find him," Rey is eager to go back for him I can see it in the way she twitches; but I need her to understand.

"It's Kylo Ren, he got the plans. He's coming; he's probably here; searching. Rey, he'll take you too, or kill you if he finds you..." She stares at me begging for forgiveness before she does the unthinkable. Rey turns on her heels and runs back up the cliff face without another word.


	17. Chapter 17

I chase after her but I stumble over the rocky steps, unable to keep up with Rey's expert manoeuvring - she must train up and down these because her feet don't miscalculate any of the uneven distances. I realise my attempt to follow her is futile, so I jog awkwardly down to the cliff face towards the pebbled shore. I press my feet hard into the stones trying to prevent myself from rolling my ankle. I run up the ramp of the Falcon, out of breath.  
"Poe!" I practically scream his name, as I run through the corridors. "Poe!" I burst into the cockpit, he sits in the pilot seat, BB-8's small head wizzes around and he looks anxious. Through short jagged breaths I ask: "Can you get the beacon on my tracker?"

"Already got it," he leans over, flicks a switch and a hologram of my beacon appears. "Hey, where are you going?" He laughs heartedly, but I'm not ready to find humour in the situation.

"It's Rey, we need to get to her, she went back for Luke..." I puff out the words before sneakily sitting in the co-pilot seat.

"Okay," glancing again at the hologram Poe then turns his attention to starting the Falcon, he pressing buttons and flicks on the ignition asking me to pull a heavy lever, we hover in the air. He grips the controller and navigates the large freighter through the rocks.

"Now I know why we landed on the shore..." I say half to myself when I realise there may not be much space for us to land on rugged terrain of the island. _Why did Rey so desperately want to return here?_ D'Qar is so much more comfortable, even if it does get extremely warm.  
As Poe hovers close to the surface, surveying for a place to land I become aware of my sickening combination of anxiety and adrenaline; I close my eyes and breathe in slowly. I hold my breath for a long moment before reopening my eyes as I exhale.  
Poe lands on the grass near a small hut, Chewie emerges when he hears us. "She should be just over there..." He points to the hologram and indicates that we are not far away from the place where her beckon flashes; she has not moved and I fear the worst.  
"Thank you," I call quickly, rushing from the cockpit, grabbing my blaster from my bag on the way out; even though it'll be useless against Kylo Ren, It's better than nothing.

I stealthily weave between rocks and try my best to not cause any disturbances in the uneven ground.  
I look up from my feet, I should be close… I see her, her back to me, hiding behind one of many large rocks which form a semi-circle around a large clearing that leads to a steep cliff. Chewie may have been unsuccessful in finding Luke but General Hux wasn't, because I witness as he emerges from his ship that is near the edge of the precipice. I slip between a few rocks making sure I am out of sight as I manoeuvre around a longer way to reach Rey.  
"Luke Skywalker!" Hux calls out as if he is addressing an audience, not realising he has one, "Finally..." I can hear the satisfaction in his raspy voice, Hux slowly walks towards him.  
I'm nearly at Rey's side when she unexpectedly rushes out into the open; I am unable to grab her before she is seen. I take her place, hiding behind the rock Rey was concealed by. "You..." Hux is disgusted but I watch his eyes gleam with delight, "Kylo Ren will be so pleased that he will have the both of you." The two Jedi stand still, not doing nor saying anything. Hux takes out his large, black tranquilizer gun, but they wouldn't know it doesn't shoot bullets.  
Without another word Hux pulls the trigger aimed directly at Luke, who doesn't break eye contact with Hux but the dart floats in mid-air before it drops to the ground. Hux twitches his upper lip, lowering his gun. A methodical thumping echoes around the rocky enclosure and I feel my heart sink; the remaining fleet of Stormtroopers file from the cabin in the ship. They split in half, six on either side of Hux, as they advance, blasters loaded and their fingers on the triggers both Rey and Luke unsheathe their Lightsabers. The familiar beat of laser fire makes my ears ache, the loud clashing and sparks as they connect and ricochet off the 'sabers disorientates me momentarily. A few of my old comrades lie wounded on the ground by their own bullets. Then I notice another, approaching from behind Rey as she defends herself against two other troopers. I take a single breath in then reveal myself. I move around the battlefield, sneaking behind Rey's two attackers, all the Stormtroopers are focused on their targets, they don't seem to acknowledge me. I have a clear aim, I fire the blaster and he falls to the ground. Rey directs her focus away from her opponents and looks at me; instantaneously she staggers back and grasps her upper arm. The two Stormtroopers advance on her but I shoot them down. I push past their bodies and rush to her. I gently cup her cheek as I swiftly grab the Lightsaber from her hand. I stand up, covering Rey's body behind me. One trooper is left, the green Lightsaber glows and burning sparks flicker as the relentless blasts ricochet in all direction, I hear the rocks crack as I try to aim so one blast will return in his direction and hit him. He advances closer to me; suddenly another Stormtroopers tackles him to the ground. I look behind me to see that Rey, who is slumped on the ground had Force thrown a rival I had not seen coming, into my opponent. I look over to Luke, who stands victorious surrounded by six fallen bodies. I turn to Hux, who stands expressionless; I slowly start to walk towards him, saber poised and ready.  
He shakes his head at me, walking back on to the ship.

Darkness falls upon the island, the sun slipping behind a cloud as heavy footsteps walk down the metal ramp of the ship. I see his black feet and cape and know it is Kylo Ren even before his masked face emerges. I stand my ground, looking behind to witness Rey stand to her feet in defiance.  
Kylo Ren does not stop looking at Luke, he approaches him, and the Jedi master does not seem intimidated; more so disappointed.  
"What happened to you?" Luke asks rhetorically.

"My grandfather chose you, he wanted you to lead the empire with him-" he is only a few steps from Luke now, "- and you refused him." The disgust is evident in his voice.

"You didn't know him," Luke's stoic expression falters slightly.

"Oh, yes I do, his anger flows through my veins, and yours, you were just too weak to let him in the way that I have. I can make you stronger..." Kylo sounds so sure of himself, leaning in close trying to convince him, almost begging him.

"You killed your own father... You are nothing like Vader," Luke shakes his head in disappointment. Kylo Ren glares at Luke; I can see his lip quiver even from this distance. Abruptly the air is unable to enter my lungs, my feet rise from the ground.

"You're right, I'm stronger," Kylo's loud voice resounds through the clearing as I scrap my hands across my throat trying to relieve the invisible grip. Kylo Ren's arm is outstretched, his fingers grasping me from a distance one could not humanly reach. Rey runs towards me, putting her body in front of mine.

"Stop! Let him go..." She pleads. His grip tightens: wheezing, staggered gasps escape my lips, my feet twitch and my body spasms as I try to find purchase on the ground.

Rey looks at me, right in the eye, she is crying, and I feel my heart break at the sight. Through my blurred, strained vision I see her, and only her. Her mouth open, her face contorted in horror and grief. I want to reach for her: touch her face, hold her close, but my hands continue to try and release the excruciating invisible grip around my throat.  
I close my eyes, losing all sense of myself. Unexpectedly I hit the ground on my hands and knees. Gulping in enormous, shallow breaths, I attempt to calm myself but I cannot. I collapse onto my side, my chest heaving in exhaustion. I don't know how long I stay in my disorientated, dark limbo, but after some time I am able to hear the loud drone of the Falcon. I feel my body being lifted from the ground; my arms wrapped around two shoulders. My legs dragging lazily behind me, I try to push myself up but I can't even open my eyes. I'm carefully laid upon a bed, voices are muffled around me and I slowly slip into complete unconsciousness.


	18. Chapter 18

I wake later, my head pounding. I look down to my wrist: it is bandaged in white cloth, I turn my head and notice Rey on the bed on the opposite side of the room, we are still on board the Falcon, I can tell by the dull, sandy gray walls and the exposed wires ceaselessly hanging from the cornices.

I whisper her name but she doesn't respond. I careful evict myself from the bed and walk over to her, taking a seat on the small chair. Her arms are bare, her usual cloth coverings are bandaged heavily on her upper right arm (of course there wouldn't be enough medical supplies on this ship to give her some clean bandages); a sense of extreme guilt washes over me at the sight of the injury I was responsible for. I gently take her small, pale hands in my own, intertwining our fingers. She may not want me to be around her, but I greedily take advantage of her inability to say otherwise. I have a tingling urge to kiss her as she lies peacefully, I settle for a gently kiss on her cheek before leaning back and resting my head on the edge of the bed near her waist; I close my eyes.  
I am roused out of a light doze when I feel Rey moving one of her hands out of my grip. Disheartened, I sit up ready to leave at her request, but she rests her left hand on my cheek, softly rubbing her fingers across my skin. I close my eyes at her unexpected touch, it feels amazing to have her so close to me again, and I wonder if she feels the same way.  
"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"What for?" she tilts her head on the pillow slightly so she can see me.

"For being the reason you got shot in the arm," Rey laughs lightly, but before she can respond I continue, "and for finding you," I whisper.

"You came back for me," She states flatly, and I look down.

"I guess I'd better go," I am about to take her hand from my face, but her shocked expression makes me stop.

"Why would you do that?" She asks, a look of bewilderment etched into her features.

"I know I shouldn't hav-" Rey interrupts me,

"No, why should you leave?" I take my head off the bed about to push myself out of her light grip.

"You don't want to be around me, it's pretty obvious." Rey sighs profoundly, taking her other hand from mine and winces slightly as she moves her arm to grasp the other side of my face, forcing me to look at her.

"What gave you that idea?" Now I am the one who dawns a confused expression.

"How about the fact I haven't heard from you in over a month, and when I find you all you want is for me to let you go," I snap slightly. Taking both of her hands off my face and bringing them to the mattress, still holding them.

Rey ignores my bitter tone, responding softly, "Finn, you don't understand, I had not been expecting to see you. It was an instinct to reject you," She tries to comfort me, but ignores the real issue I was hinting at, "I never wanted to reject you," her dark green eyes glisten in the light; I feel my anger slip as I look at her. As I try to think of a response she whispers ever so quietly, "You saved me," All my bitterness disappears. In the pit of my stomach I feel as if something begins to burn again, in a delightfully beautiful way. I want to kiss her, for no reason other than my desperately selfish need for her. I find myself leaning closer to her, wondering what it would be like to kiss her. For a split second I think I see her move toward me too, but I pull away and cover her hands with mine instead.

"I didn't mean for you to get shot I was just trying to stop… I don't know - I wanted to…" I am unable to find the right words.

"Protect me?" She offers and I look towards the ground.

"Yeah," I quietly respond.

"Look at me," She demands, I cringe slightly, waiting for her to tell me she does not need someone to protect her. I look back up to witness such a small, gentle smile upon her face, "Thank you," I sigh.  
She slips her hands from underneath mine; I rest my hands on the edge of the bed as hers slide up my arms to my shoulders. Suddenly I see her smile disappear and she frantically looks at my right shoulder before moving her hands away to grip behind my neck. I don't understand what she is doing, is she going to kiss me? She then pulls against me, and uses me as a type of brace, dragging herself into a sitting position, my confusion turns into astounded laughs. Rey smiles as she runs her hands back down my arms before letting me go. "Stand up," she orders.

"Why?" I ask as I comply with her request. My head feels light but I stay standing, Rey stands almost as tall as me, just small enough that she has to look up at me.

"So I can do this," unexpectedly as she closes the space between us I feel my heart begin the thump louder, she wraps her arms back around my neck, holding me close to her. I wrap my arms around her back, steadily my feet as I relax into her. I sigh; releasing every slight fragment of tension hidden inside me. This being the first time we have properly hugged since I came back for her on Starkiller Base. With no imminent threat I am able to press my body as close to hers as I can, burying my head into her shoulder. Breathing in, and breathing out, as slow and tentatively as I possibly can; attempting to savour the intimate moment.

"I missed you…" the words slip out of my mouth before I even realised I had thought them. Rey shakes slightly as she takes a jagged breath in; I move my hands to her waist and rub up and down, trying to calm her. She lets go of me but I keep my grip on her as she slips her arms underneath mine, and grasps the back of my shoulders; like she had done the night we held each together while we slept. She buries her face in my chest, squeezing me, she inhales sharply.

"I missed you too." The words seem forced; but she sighs deeply after she says them; like she too released her worries. I kiss the top of her head and she lets me go, taking a step back, she looks down. I wrap one arm around her as I take the other one under her chin, gently lifting it so she faces me. Her lips tremble and I realise I am staring at them. I quickly look into her eyes and watch them gloss over with tears.

"Oh Rey…" I capture the small droplet as it slides down her cheek, I don't understand why she is crying, "What's the matter?" I tentatively ask, unsure how she'll react.

"I didn't want to miss you," She mutters and I feel as if she has hit me; I open my mouth to respond, but she presses her finger to my lips, "but I couldn't stop it. Every time I closed my eyes I would hear you, I would remember the way you look so peaceful when you sleep, or the way it felt when you would hold me, and I would miss you…" I take her hand in mine, sprawling out her fingers and intertwining them with me. I don't have a list like Rey's and I question for a moment if I even truly missed her. Then I remember how it felt every moment after she left, and recall when I saw her hidden between those rocks: that feeling could only be described as the opposite of missing someone. She leans her face against my chest again, and I hear footsteps and the sliding of the motion sensor door opening.


	19. Chapter 19

Poe walks in, standing in the entrance as he notices us. "Oh, sorry," he seems somewhat flustered, I smile, taking my arm from Rey's back and facing him, but keep her fingers linked with mine. He composes himself, "I was just coming to see if you two were okay?" he asks, returning to his normal tone.

"I think so, how do you feel?" I ask looking down at Rey.

"Good," she looks back at me and I smile.

"How's your arm?" I ask and she smiles.

"Been better, how's your wrist?" she counters glancing at it for a moment before looking back at me, I grin at her.

"It'll be fine,"

"Oh will you two stop, you're making me nauseous," I give Poe a questioning look, and he continues talking, "We just landed," Poe smirks, and is about to walk away but Rey calls him back.

"I think you two have a lot of explaining to do," she sits down on her bed pulling our intertwined hands down so I am sitting back in the chair in front of her. Poe brings over another chair and begins by explaining how the missing piece of the map was obtained.

"It was Koden," Poe says quietly. He adds that he was secretly working for the First Order, passing on Intel and information to both sides.

"What!" I utter in disbelief.

"Why would he do that?" Rey asks a confused look upon her brows.

"I don't know, to cause trouble," He shrugs and I furrow my brows in frustration.

"Poe, are you alright you were like a mentor to him," I ask looking intently at him.

"Everyone was shocked. He did always seem very disreputable, too sure of himself for a rookie. I just didn't put two are two together that he'd got trained by the First Order before joining the Resistance."

"I didn't like him." I state abruptly, Rey laughs and Poe rolls his eyes with a sly smile.

"What?" I enquire curtly.

"Of course you say that now you know he was faithless," Rey smiles, but I shake my head.

"I'm being honest. He was always getting so close to you." Out of the corner of my eye I see Poe close his eyes and press his lips together to prevent himself from laughing, "He must have been trying to get information out of you." I quickly add, I feel my skin become warm as I flush, Rey shrugs, nodding.

"You're probably right." She squeezes my hand a little tighter. "He always was asking about my training. I'd never told him and none of the pilots or cadets knew, expect you, Poe," Rey looks at him, but by her curious expression I can tell she is not accusing him of sharing her classified information.

Poe's eyes squint, "I never told him…" he reassures us, even though he didn't need to. Poe's honesty causes me sigh and Rey runs thumb along mine.  
Actively ignoring our obvious hand holding Poe continues will his recount of the events. Koden eventually fled with the remaining piece of the map, no one had expected it to be him. I stay silent, listening intently as he explains how they found his room empty and the X-Wing Poe had helped him train with missing.

"Where were you?" I feel Rey's eyes on me, so I take my focus from Poe and look at her.

"What do you mean?" I ask, not meeting her eyes.

"You seem just as surprised as me, so, shouldn't you already know if you tagged along?" She questions

"I-" _Do I lie to her?_ "-I'd left," I quietly mumble.

"Why?" She asks, I hear Poe silently stand up and leave the make shift medical ward.

"I'm only a target, the First Order won't stop looking for me," She looks disappointed; most likely because she realised I'm not a big hero who will save the resistance. I'm barely a man.

"Where did you go?" She doesn't sound very interested, she twists her fingers around in mine absentmindedly.

"To a planet in the outer rim," my voice is quiet "It's beautiful," I add

"Well you're not going back." She states like it is a fact. I sit back, a strange type of anger bubbles within me.

"But it's okay for you to leave? Hold me while you sleep but disappear in the daylight?" She looks helplessly up at me for a brief moment.

"It wasn't like that," now she looks everywhere but my eyes, and my heart starts to ache as I feel my temper simmer.

"It was exactly like that, Rey. You left me!" I raise my voice a lot louder than I usual would. She looks down, and so do I. even in my anger I still gently hold her hand, I sigh. When she glances back at me she has tears in her eyes.

"I couldn't help it; I didn't want to leave you..." She doesn't make any sense. Once the tears break the sanctuary of her eyes I feel my irritation slip away with them.

"But you did-" My voice is less than a whisper "-you left me..." my voice breaks. Then there is a moment, an unexplainable experience when Rey stares at me, right in the eyes but she doesn't seem like she is focused on me; her mouth opens and the tears flow, her lip shakes and she is completely silent.

"Are you o-" she cuts me off.

"I thought if I left it would be easier," she whispers, I shake my head.

"It wasn't," I mumble.

"I'm sorry," she whimpers slightly and places her other hand over the top of our joint ones. "I thought I needed to go, and by leaving you I'd be able to become stronger, and more focused." She takes a quick deep breath "But without you I just miss you, I can't concentrate, I wonder what you are doing, who you are with, if you are okay... I thought I needed to leave, but I was wrong…" her voice fades out at the end.  
I don't understand how I feel, I should feel some happiness, I thought those words would make me want to kiss her, but the way she says them causes a lump grow in my throat and my eyes sting with the foreign burn of tears. I don't look at her; I can't, so instead I stare at our intertwined hands.

"You said you needed to have control, that I confuse you," I remind her quietly.

"You do confuse me, but you're the only person who comes back for me; even when I push you away," I blink back the tears as best I can before I look at her, "Finn, I don't want to push you away anymore..." I feel the strange burning deep inside and I take my free hand and bring it to her face, running my fingers into her hair, which is falling loosely out of her buns.

"I don't want to run anymore," I want to kiss her; I bite my lip to prevent myself from pulling her to me. I know she likes to feel in control; so I will let her. She closes her eyes leaning into my touch.  
I can't bare it any longer I crave the feeling of her close to me; I unlock my fingers from hers and bury my other hand in her hair. I slowly lean closer to her, gently pulling her to me; I press me lips above her eyebrows, then rest my forehead against hers. She opens her eyes, looking directly into mine. Shivers rush up my thighs as her hands delicately run up them, she grips my waist tugging at my shirt slightly, pulling me to the edge of my seat. We are so close to each other one move could change whatever it is we are.  
Everything inside me draws me to her lips but I force myself to ask, "What are we doing?" It always seems to be too much for Rey when we sleep next to each other, how will she cope if this becomes something more?

"I don't know, but it feels so right," She murmurs and I feel knots tie themselves through my core, anticipation gnawing at me, but I try to resist the urge.  
She moves her body closer to mine; she is so close to the edge of the bed she is almost sitting in my lap. I can feel her shallow breaths against my lips, I blink my eyes closed. My heart feels as if it will burst from my chest, because it is pounding so furiously against my ribcage. She whispers something so quietly that I can't hear her.

"Hmm?" I moan, not fully aware of what is going on around me.

"Kiss me," she pines, I look at her silently asking if this is truly what she wants and she gazes back at me, her beautiful green eyes are dark and the strange fire in me burns brighter; and in that moment I'm entirely hers to command. I sigh, closing my eyes again as I run my fingers deeper into her hair, leaning so close our lips are practically touching. She brings her hands up my chest, and into my short curly hair, I relax into her as she closes the miniscule space between us.


	20. Chapter 20

Both of us are unsure, I can sense the apprehension and tentative way we move together; but I also feel that this is beyond right. I want to run my hands across every inch of her body, but they are woven into her tangled hair, I grasp onto the fabric that criss-crosses across her chest and tug her closer; the kiss intensifies. I sigh into her and Rey moans softly. Her lips may be smaller than mine, but by the way she kisses me it doesn't seem like it. Although her hands are hardened her lips are smooth and beyond soft: I rapidly lose myself in the delicate, exploratory rhythm we create together.  
Rey is just as inexperienced as I am, so it catches me by surprise when she bites my bottom lip before sucking it gently; I moan her name and her hands fall from my hair and run lightly down my back, trailing against my large scar, I shiver so intensely that my hands fall from Rey's hair and grip the edge of the bed; my lips unable to kiss her back. It feels foreign and a tingling sensation ripple through my skin, it is unlike anything I've felt before. Rey notices I don't kiss her and this she seems to wake from a trance. Instantaneously she is sitting on the far side of the bed, against the wall, her knees brought to her chest. Her lips are swollen and a deep red, I look into her eyes and they seem to beg for mercy.  
"I'm so sorry..." I've never heard such a sincere apology. She seems to be in a state of shock, her eyes are wide and I watch them brim with tears again; it is unlike her to cry but today is certainly an exception. I don't understand; is she sorry for kissing me, sorry for touching me, or both.

"Don't be..." she can't seem to make eye contact with me.

"I didn't realise, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." She seems to be sorry for barely even touching my scar.

"You didn't hurt me," I whisper, she covers her face with her hands, for a few moments we sit in silence. Then I get an idea, "Come here," I stand up and offer my hand out for her. She looks through her fingers before shuffling to the edge of the bed. She takes my hand and I help her stand; then I grasp her other hand. I curl her fingers so they grip the base of my shirt, I guide her hands up slowly, she seems uneasy as she pulls the material up my body. I watch her chest rise and fall, and she stares at my subtly defined torso. I feel myself stand a little straighter, puff my chest out a little further. She is about to pull my arms from the loose sleeves when the door opens. BB-8 comes rushing in. Stopping for a brief moment as Rey drops the shirt, it falls back around my body. The small ball rushes over, looks at me briefly, beeps once, then whirls in a fast succession of beeps to Rey.  
She nods, "Okay, I'm coming..." She turns to me, "Kylo is awake." She informs me.

"Okay," I shrug, nodding quickly, but the motion slows as her words sink in, "Wait, what? Is he here?" I almost shout in disbelief.

"We kind of stole him. BB-8 disabled Hux's ship and as they tried to escape with Luke and I on board, it crashed, Kylo Ren was disoriented enough for us to induce him. Didn't you know?" She looks at me with one eyebrow raised and my expression is dumbfounded.

"No, I didn't know." My voice matches exactly how I feel, bemused. "He tried to take you?" I ask stepping back slightly my lips parted slightly, Rey's expression softens and she nods.

"I would have been okay," she reassures me; I decide not to argue with her.

"Now he is here, Rey, we have to leave..." I say quickly.

"You just told me you wouldn't run anymore,"

"That was different... You can't go to him, just think about what he could do... I don't want you to get hurt." I take her face in my hands.

"Don't underestimate me," she dictates with a lovely smile, "I know how to look after myself." _Not this again_ , I think to myself.

"I don't doubt you, but he can still hurt you." I know she'll do whatever she pleases, because she's so stubborn, but it doesn't hurt to try and convince her.

"You can always come and protect me," she is sincere, but I can still grasp the hidden sarcasm. She softly brushes her hand against my torso and I roll my eyes, letting my hands slip from her face.

"Like you'd let me..." I say to myself.

"Come on," she hits the back of my head lightly and walks after the droid as it rolls away. I follow her and BB-8 out of the Falcon; as we walk on the solid tarmac the feel the heat radiating from it, the weather is still as warm as it was when I left. We walk quickly through the loading dock, a few pilots look at me with questioning looks, but I keep my head down.

We enter the base and I see Poe approaching, "I was just looking for you," he says to the small droid.  
BB-8 looks up to Poe and beeps quickly.  
Poe smiles, "I can see that," he responds looking at us then back down, "Come on, I'll take you to him." I hesitate slightly, Poe notices. "We won't go in with him," he reassure me, I nod, and follow them through the familiar halls.

We enter a part of the base I didn't know existed and I am intimidated as we walk through a thick, secure door and undergo numerous identification tests before we enter the room. We stand in front of a mirrored window separating a gowned Kylo Ren from the rest of the base: there is nothing in the room, not even a bed. He stands in the centre of the room, without his mask. I notice a large scar running across his face and wonder if Snoke did it too him, punishment for the destruction of Starkiller Base; finally giving Kylo a reason to wear his mask. He is staring back through the glass, not towards me, but it is unnerving and makes me uncomfortable.  
"He can't see you, or hear you," A gentle voice causes me to jump; I look into the corner of the room to see General Organa sitting on a chair. I can't prevent myself from feeling pity for her, sitting alone in the dim light staring at her son, who must sense she is here for he stares directly back at her. I want to hug her, tell her everything will be okay; but I cannot lie to her.

"How is this safe?" I ask her, not understanding how he has not been able to escape somehow.

"I have the force too, you know," She says matter-of-factly, "Nothing could get out of that room, everything is secure." I nod I wonder how long this fortress has been awaiting its intended detainee. My focus is drawn towards Rey as she walks to the glass.

"Be careful," I whisper, taking a few steps closer to her. Despite what the General just told me, the whole situation is unsettling. I stand beside Rey and unexpectedly she takes my hand; I feel my shoulders lose their tension. Poe's smug smile burns into my back but I pretend I do not notice.

We stand in silence for a while, before I ask, "What did he do to you?" She glances up at me, confused. "On Starkiller Base..." I add, and she looks away from me, and back through the glass.

"You would know, wouldn't you?" Her tone holds no accusation - she's genuinely questioning my knowledge - but I still flinch at her words.

"I have some ideas, but I just need to know," she looks up into my eyes.

"He tried to Force the information out of me, literally," she laughs but I don't. "Okay, not funny. That was it though," She squeezes my hand, but that isn't enough reassurance for me.

"Did it hurt?" Rey takes a sharp breath and stares blankly at me, not wanting to answer; her hand goes somewhat limp in mine.


	21. Chapter 21

"Yeah, it does," Poe responds from the back of the room, I direct my attention to him.

"What does it feel like?" I ask him, glancing at Rey momentarily as Poe looks over to the General who seems to be in her own world.

"I got secured down, and drugged until I felt empty; like the life has been drained from me," Poe does not sugar-coat his experience; he knows that it will do more harm if there is room for my mind to wander. "My skin would itch and my eyes would burn like they do when you don't get any sleep," Poe looks at Rey silently asking if she had the same feelings, to which she nods hesitantly. "Then when I was at my weakest he comes in," Poe says quietly and pauses, unsure if I have heard enough, but I want him to continue. When he does not receive a response from me he takes a quick breath in, "It feels like you're falling, into a bottomless pit, but he grasps onto certain parts, certain memories. It's as if he tears them from the darkest, most hidden parts of your mind until he sees them too." I cannot truly imagine what that would feel like, to have your memory violated. Stormstroopers may have their minds and actions controlled, but they are still capable of individual thought...

I continue to stare at Poe before realising I still hadn't responded. "I'm sorry," I feel guilty, and before he can give me a reason not to, I turn to Rey, and she rubs her thumb against mine. "Was it the same for you too?" I ask quietly.

She searches my face for a moment before simply saying: "Yes," I briefly look through the glass at Rey and Poe's abuser. I feel her rough hands gently grasp the side of my face, turning my gaze back towards her. "I am okay, we both are. Plus he didn't get the map out of me anyway," I lean into her touch and smile. I turn my attention back to the window and see Kylo Ren directly in front of me, his face almost protruding through the glass. His dark eyes are crazed and fixated on me, his scar almost glows under the florescent lights. I jump away, frightened, pulling myself out of Rey's grip, to then quickly grab her hand and tug her back, slightly behind me. I think I almost see a smirk upon Kylo's lips as he leans his face back from the glass, standing with his hands behind his back like a small boy who has been praised.  
Embarrassment crawls uncomfortably up my neck and into my cheeks, and when I look over my shoulder I expect to see Rey hiding a smile at my attempt to protect her. On the contrary she seems a bit on edge, maybe she too was alarmed by his close proximity. She kisses the back of my neck lightly and my anxiety seems to fade.  
I hear quiet footsteps, as General Organa walks past us and out of the secure door without a word. Ben's focus had shifted from her, so I assume she no longer felt the need to stay.

I begin to feel a sharp throbbing headache rising and I'm not sure why. I have a gnawing sensation inside me, and I don't want to be in here any longer. Poe walks closer to us, standing near the glass, gazing through it with a look of indifference. A confused Rey watches Kylo as he stares at me. His gaze is heavy, and weighs upon me. I try to deepen my breathing to relieve the headache but I only begin to feel woozy; so I stare at the ground trying to steady myself. I want to leave this confined area - leave his menacing gaze - but I do not voice my desire.

Poe turns his head around, looking at Rey and I, "I never knew he was so, human," He admits. I wonder what he imagined under the mask, I suppose anything but a man who slightly resembles his superior.

"I wonder what made him turn out this way..." Rey quietly adds. I stay silent, closing my eyes and rubbing my hand on the back of my neck, my head feeling too heavy to be supported. "Are you okay?" I look over my shoulder at Rey, her brows creased in concern.

"You seem a little tense, buddy..." Poe adds, and I turn my attention to him, his expression matching Rey's. I am unable to respond, my mouth is dry and my throat feels as if it is closing in upon itself. Suddenly my heartbeat become erratic and the deep, unforgiving sense of being overwhelmed rolls through my body, like a snowball engulfing everything in its way. My breathing becomes shallow I cannot seem to gasp in enough air. An all-consuming fear rises and spreads through me, and I see my look reflected in Rey, who is in desperately trying to find out the source of my pain. She bombards me with questions I cannot hear because my ears are have flooded with the roaring of my heartbeat. My eyes are wide open, but everything is see blurs.

I become aware of Poe's warm hand slowly rubbing my back in a soothing motion.  
"Look at me," he says calmly, I turn my head. I struggle to keep my focus on him as he fades in and out of focus, "breathe with me," he whispers. I watch his chest expand; he holds it for a moment before slowly releasing his breath.  
"In," Poe says, I do it with him, "out," he sighs with the release.  
"In," Poe slowly takes a deep breath, "out," he releases it, and I do the same. Poe and I continue to complete the ritual.

After a while I start to feel my body calm down; my breathing and heartbeat regulate and I can think clearly again, but I am left with a throbbing headache.

"Thank you," I sigh after the last deep breath out together.

"Don't mention it, I think we should go." Poe doesn't wait for a response; he is already beginning the arduous journey to leave this strange prison.  
I turn to Rey, her arms are by her sides; her hand must have slipped out of mine; her expression seems to be one of hurt or maybe it's confusion.

"What happened?" She asks quietly.

"I don't know, I just couldn't breathe..." I admit, and she looks upset.

"Are you okay now?" She doesn't make eye contact so I take a step closer to her. I don't know why but I lean down and press my lips to her forehead.

"Yes," I whisper, she doesn't seem reassured so I offer her my hand, she shakes her head slightly in rejection; I sigh. "Can we go?" I ask feeling an extreme exhaustion creep up on me. Rey nods so I lead the way out of the room; and undergo all the identification tests again. We finally reach the barracks again and I make sure to turn the switch so all the alarms reset, which I had observed Poe turn off when we came in.

I look down the hallway and see Poe is quietly talking to BB-8.

"What do we do now?" She asks.

"There is something I have to do, why don't you go to the dining hall, I'll meet you there," Rey nods and we so in separate directions.


	22. Chapter 22

I end up in the infirmary, and she spots me almost immediately, "Finn?" She calls out happily. I smile as she rushes over to me, "Back so soon? What are you doing here?" She grins.

"I don't really know, but I guess I'll be staying for a while,"

"It's wonderful to see you. What do you need?" She asks leading me to the administration desk. I'm surprised she assumed I hadn't just come to say hello.

"Do you have any spare room keys?" I mumble, feeling slightly guilty for asking because she knows I didn't just come to see her, yet she doesn't seem to be upset.

"We sure do," She glances through some holographic files, and keys in a few numbers, "here," she passes me a room card, number 37. I don't know why, but I cannot bring myself to ask for one more.

"Thank you," she smiles.

"How are you?" She asks grinning, and it is contagious because I smile back, "What did you do?" She laughs a little bit, her grin fading slightly as she catches sight of my bandaged wrist.

"I'm good, I just fell..." She gives me a questioning look, aware I am not telling the entire truth, but she lets it slide. As I am about to ask how she has been, she is interrupted and quickly bids me farewell before tending to a man complaining of a stomach ache.

I slip the card into my pocket and make my way past the people in the corridors, and walk into the dining hall. Rey and Poe sit at the usual table at the back of the room, and I notice I have a tray piled with food next to Rey and my bag is on the seat. Neither of my friends seem to notice as I approach; I catch the end of the conversation.  
"Will it happen again?" Rey looks concerned.

"Maybe, but he will just needs to be calmed down if it does. Pilots get it, when they're reminded of a crash or a fail manoeuvre," I feel relieved when I realise I'm not the only one, and Poe doesn't think something is wrong with me.

"Hey," I interrupt with a forced cough.

"Hey," Poe acts as if he hasn't been speaking about me, but Rey is less successful, looking everywhere but me, it's kind of cute.

"Is this for me?" I ask looking at the tray, Rey nods. "Thank you," I whisper kindly to her and she smiles, I move the bag onto the floor and sit beside her.

"No problem." She looks at me with such an adoring gaze that I feel a strange anxiety creep upon me, and I find myself leaning slightly away from her.  
We eat, Poe occasionally starting a conversation but it doesn't last very long, I'm almost too tired to keep my eyes open.  
When Poe is talking to BB-8 quietly I turn to Rey, "Here," I slide the card across the table, she smiles.

"Thank you, I can't wait to sleep in a proper bed," she sighs happily and I smile at her.

"Will you walk me there?" She asks and I nod, "Poe, I'm going to go to bed," Rey interrupts and he looks over and nods to both of us.

"Goodnight," he looks at me too bidding us farewell. I do not get the chance to response before he delves back into his conversation; I pick up my bag and throw the strap over my shoulder.

We walk down the halls, following the numbers and arrows. We soon find ourselves standing out the front of the room.  
"Where is your room?" She mumbles as she moves her foot on the solid concrete ground.

"I'll have to see if they have another," I answer honestly, she looks up at me with confusion.

"Don't you have one?" I shake my head.

"No but it's fine, I'll just go crash in the Falcon or steal a bed in the infirmary," I smile, and she shakes her head, which causes the foreign anxiety to completely flood my system.

"Come on," she swipes the card and opens the door; I hesitate for a moment, wanting to walk away but something draws me in after her; I close the door behind me.

This room is bigger than the quarters we had before. There is a small table and chairs in one corner, and a larger bed under a window that is completely hiding by a wall at the back of the room. The room is hot and stuffy so Rey opens the window above the bed, allowing the cool evening breeze to seep in.  
I drop my bag on the table and then stand awkwardly near the bed. Rey continues to make herself at home; turning on the lamp on the desk and walking over to the restroom, I hear the faucet turn on and I walk over and stand in the doorway watching as she uses the soapy wash cloth to scrub away the dirt on her face. She continues to then clean her hands, removing all the dirt from under her fingernails. She looks up into the mirror and sees me watching her, "Come here," she whispers, and I obey her. I walk onto the ties tiles stand in front of her near the basin. She pumps more soap onto the cloth and places it under the warm water, wrings it out and starts to methodically rub it across my face. She slowly cleans away the dirt and cuts from the island she trains on. There is a tension in the air, an apprehension that seems to tug me closer to her. I rest one hand lazily on her hip as I close my eyes; absorbing the soothing motion of the cloth against my skin. Rey then starts to clean the grazes I had accumulated - most of them are from using the rocks for support when I ran up the cliff face to find her.  
"There, all better," I hear her whisper with satisfaction before running the cloth under the faucet again; she leaves my grip to hang it on a hook in the shower.

"Thank you," I watch her leave the bathroom and walk over to the closet. I follow her out stand by the table. I watch as Rey opens it and she disappears inside, it must be a larger: a walk in robe.

She emerges with the complimentary nightgown from the hanger. "Here," she unexpectedly throws me a pair of bed shorts and a large shirt as she passes me and walks back towards the bathroom; where I assume she'll go to change. I look at the clothes with confusion.  
I feel as if I should leave, I don't want to sleep next to her again if it will only make things more complicated.

"But," I object to her implied request for me to stay the night, placing the bed clothes on the chair. She stops walking towards the restroom, "Rey, I can't," I don't look at her as she turns back around to face me.


	23. Chapter 23

"What do you mean _you can't_?" She's hurt by my rejection, I can hear it. It hurts me, but we need to stop going in circles before it gets harder.

"I can't sleep with you again, look what happened every other time," I slump down on the chair in the corner.

"Finn," she whines slightly and I feel a tiny sizzle of irritation under my skin "I was confused-" she starts, but I cut her off.

"What's changed, Rey, are you suddenly not confused anymore? I still am," it isn't like me to become aggravated and I don't like myself when I become bitter, but I can feel it rising in me now.

"Of course I'm still confused, but I know you make me happy and I don't care about what Luke says; I want to be happy," she walks over to me and kneels down in front of the chair I am on.

"What does Luke say?" I ask still not looking at her.

"That I'm not allowed to have distractions," she brings her hands into my cheeks and lifts my face up, but I keep my gaze on the floor, "That I have to be focused and keep my mind clear," she takes a breath, "look at me," she whispers and I do as she requests. Her eyes shine in the dim light from the lamp and I take deep breath as the wind begins to howl a bit louder through the window. "Finn, the only time my mind is clear is when I'm with you," I sigh, I want to believe her but I know that in the morning she will reject me again.

"Rey, you'll end up leaving when you get too confused. I can't do it again, and you shouldn't have to, I'm sorry." I can feel the way my heart sinks down and shatters at the same time when I look at Rey.

"No, I won't, please Finn..." I take her hands from my face and put them down by her sides, I kiss her forehead before standing up off the chair. Rey is on her feet at the same time but I turn away from her, about to make my way to the door. "Don't leave me," I immediately stop – I am taken back to when Rey had first come to see me in the infirmary. I had called those words to her in the fog of my dream - my shoulders slump down.

"You left me," I mumble, taking another step towards the door, but I am unable to reach it before she stands in front of it, blocking the exit. Everything inside me screams, and begs for me to stay with her, but I can't put myself through the hurt of losing her again. She looks frantic, and I wonder if this is how I looked at her when we stood on the tarmac before she flew away in the Falcon.

"I'm sorry, Finn..." I try to reach for the door handle but she swiftly grabs my hand. I don't quite understand what she is doing until she spreads her palm over the left side of her chest. I feel slightly weak, my mouth parts, my shoulders relax and I feel my stomach drop at her action. Her heart pounds against my hand, there is no rhythm to the beats; they are erratic and come in an abnormally quick succession. I look at our hands over her heart and in that moment. _What am I doing?_ I ask myself, she is standing here begging me to stay, and I am going to just leave even when there is not a single part of me that wants to… I understand just how deeply she needs me, and I can't to do it. I can't leave her, not when I had done the exact same action to try and convince her to stay.  
I wonder what her reasoning is: does she remember that I'd done it? Is she trying to make me feel how frightened her heart is? Or is it supposed to be more intimate than that.

"Rey," My apologetic murmur mixes with a sigh.

"Finn?" Her whimper sounds like a question, so I take her other hand and press it over my heart and wonder if she can feel how much it aches.

Without a word I lead her hand up my chest and rest it on my face; she looks utterly distraught, "Don't do it, don't leave," I don't think she understand this isn't a goodbye. I look at her lips as they quiver. Never once having someone so desperately wanting me to stay allows a feeling of belonging to arise and spread through my entire body. I slip my hand from Rey's chest and release Rey's hand that holds my face so delicately. "Finn, please," she murmurs, and that's when I notice it, the tears that are threatening to spill from her eyes and I can't take it any longer. I roughly grab her face and squeeze my eyes shut as I pull her towards me. I bend my head down enough that her lips collide perfectly with mine. I swallow her shocked gasp, and continue to try and remember what I had done the first time. But it doesn't seem to work because this is completely different. The first kiss was slow, full of exploration and tenderness. This one is the opposite: rushed, sloppy and passionate; trying to convey what I couldn't find the words to say. It isn't until Rey seems to relax into the kiss that I'm able to figure out what to do. She brings her other hand to my face caressing my cheeks before running her fingers into my hair. I do the same thing, slowly pulling the ribbons from her hair, letting it fall down her shoulders. I press one hand to the back of her head guiding her where I want her to go, tilting my head in the opposite direction. I feel a strong heat melt away the ache in my heart which is immediately replaced by my burning desire for her. I feel her sob slightly and our kiss becomes salty as her tears wet both of our lips. I continue to selfishly kiss her until she takes her hands from my hair and pushes against my shoulders.  
Her eyes are glossy and her nose is red, her lips are plump. She takes a deep, staggered breath, I press my lips to her cheek as she steps to the side, the exit is free for me to walk through, and I do just that, closing the door softly behind me.


	24. Chapter 24

I take a deep breath as I pace quickly down the halls, I feel my head pound from exhaustion; it has been a long day. I pass the dining hall and causally glance in, only a few droids remain. I weave through the late evening commotion and outside into the warm open air. The large floodlights that run parallel to each direction of the tarmac beam their intense light into the growing darkness, illuminating the metal of the ships and freighters. I see the last squad of the day returning, flying their X-Wings into the hangars. I continue walking along the tarmac; seeing the Falcon in its usual position at the tree line.

As I approach the freighter I see them poking through the dry grass, they are vibrant and beautiful. I walk around the large ship and step into the grass. I kneel down carefully selecting the purple wildflowers that I had first noticed when Rey left me standing on this stretch of tarmac alone. As I hold a large punch in my hand I start to wonder if this was a good idea, Rey doesn't seem like the type of woman who would want to receive flowers. Maybe she would be insulted.  
Then it dawns on me: I didn't even tell her. I reassure her that I would return; I just left. I feel a sinking weight press on me at my realisation. Now she may even prefer if I didn't go back to her room at all…  
I hear some soft, quizzical beeps from beside me; in this position the small droid and I are almost the same height. His head rolls to one side of his body ball and his big black 'eye' looks at me questioningly.  
"I think I messed things up with Rey," I admit, the small droid beeps loudly and a small flap opens and he pinches my leg a claw, I groan in pain, and glare at him, "I didn't mean it, I want to fix it." I add angrily, as his claw retracts slightly.

BB-8 looks down and back up at me, he bleeps, I assume he is asking why I'm sitting in the dirt with flowers in my hand.

"They were going to be for Rey, but I don't think she'll like them." BB-8 doesn't respond, he looks intently at me for a moment before he uses the claw to grasp hold of the bunch of flowers. He is somehow able to hold them out in front of him as he rolls away, some type of magnetic connection stops him from rolling the under him. It takes a moment for me to realise what he has done, my body slows with adrenaline and as I stand up I stumble over my own feet, he has put an incredibly large amount of distance between us. "What are you doing, come back!" I shout, running after him, I see his head twist around to face me before it spins forward and he leans down giving him extra aerodynamics.  
He bumps along the tarmac, easily manoeuvring between the group of returning pilots. As I reach the squad I bump into most of them, "Excuse me," I try my best to weave through them, "Sorry," I call back once I break through to the other side.

BB-8 rolls into the base and hurries quickly down the corridors; I try and catch him but struggle. We pass the dining hall but he doesn't stop, "BB-8! Give them back!" I shout, he whirls deviously, obviously enjoying himself, and it just irritates me further. Doors and numbers blur past me as I chase after the droid. Suddenly I start to realise the black figures painted on the doors 33.. 34… 35…

He is taking the flowers to Rey.

How dare he steal them and go and take the credit; she already loves every single one of his motors and wires. We reach her door, and he smoothly knocks his body against the metal a few times, I look at him flustered, ready to roll him down the hall like a marble.  
Before I can dispose of the cunning droid he extents his claw up to me, looking at the flowers and then up to me, as if he is offering them to me. He beeps quickly, ordering me to take them, so I do. He quickly disappears around the corner and I stand in the corridor, awkwardly holding the purple flowers and trying to comprehend what just occurred.

"Rey," I whisper quietly through the door, there is no response, I knock hard on the metal and it clicks opens, I mustn't have closed it properly when I left. I decide to walk in; as I close the door securely behind me I hear the sound of running water. She's in the shower, so I sit on the edge of the bed gripping onto the wildflowers while I wait for her to come out.  
The soothing sound of running water causes the adrenaline to drain from my system and my exhaustion escalates. Before I realise what I am doing I have untied my boots, leaving them neatly at the end of the bed. I slide backwards slowly, it is as if my body is forcing me to do so without my consent. My head rests on the pillow and I bury my face into it, lying on my side. My arm is outstretched over the edge of the bed as to prevent the flowers being crushed; I face the bathroom, and wait. My eyelids feel heavy and I try to fight against sleep. It is a battle I cannot win, and I slip into an intense slumber.


	25. Chapter 25

I wake up at the sound of the water faucets turning off. I heave my heavy body up, swinging my legs off the bed so I am sitting on the edge, I hold the flowers in both my hands adjusting them into the nicest arrangement I can manage.  
The bathroom door clicks open and I watch Rey step out, closing the door behind her. Her hair is almost black and some droplets of water drip into the fabric of her nightgown, she turns around and she immediately halts when she notices me. Her face twists in hurt. Rey can't look at me for very long before she averts her gaze towards the floor.  
I stand up and take one step closer to her, holding out the purple flowers, she doesn't seem to notice.  
"Get out!" I don't move, "Get out!" She demands bitterly! I try to stand my ground but I cannot stop my shoulders from slumping down.

"Rey," I take a step towards her and she tries to step away but her back knocks into the door, "Did you think I wasn't coming back?" I query. She continues to look down.

"You told me you were, and then you left as soon as you got the chance. What else was I supposed to think?" She states matter-of-factly, crossing her arms across her chest. I realise how foolish I had been, she is used to being abandoned; why would she think otherwise from me.

"I thought after I kissed you, I thought it was pretty clear I wasn't going to leave…" I try to explain it to her. When she looks up at me her face contorts in uncertainty and disgust.

"That doesn't make any sense," She sniffs, and I notice just how bloodshot her eyes are and how the skin under them seems swollen. I endeavour to convince myself she got soap in them, because the reality would be too much guilt for me to handle.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you I was getting these," I offer the flowers further into the void between us. She focuses down on them, her brow knitting into a deep confusion.

"Why did you get them?" She sniffs, rubbing her hands along her bare upper-arms.

"They're for you," after a moment longer she slowly uncrosses her arms and hesitantly takes them from my grasp.

She stays silent as she stares indifferently down at them. "They grow right by the Falcon," I inform her, "I noticed them when you left, they were the only beautiful thing left that reminded me of you," although her face remains neutral I notice the way her chest quivers.

When she glances back up at me her face has lost its vacancy. I have seen this look before, it is the same expression she had when she left me: angry, yet I can tell she is hurting. "Are these some sort of apology for walking out on me?" Rey's tone is flat.

"Did you listen to what I said?" She hangs her head down low, looking at her hands that twist the flowers slowly around in a circle, "Rey, I was going to come back - I came back - I don't know why I thought I could stay away from you…" I take another few steps towards her. I take hold of her face in my hands and tilt her head up to look at me.

"No one has given me flowers before," She ignores what I said and I wonder if she was even listening.

"I didn't know if I should have given them too you," I admit.

She continues to look down, "Why?" She mumbles, trying to remain indifferent.

"I wouldn't know if you liked them?" I watch as Rey's lip twitches a little.

"They are pretty," She places them on the table near us, "I mustn't have noticed them before," she says in a bleak tone.  
I feel a strange adrenaline pulse through me. I cannot bear her detached demeanour towards me any longer; all I want is to make her smile again.

"Rey, look at me," I watch her sigh before she meets my eye. Hers are still glossy with tears; she brings her hands up and against my chest about to push me away. She has barely touched me when I have an extremely uncontrollable urge to hold her, and so I do. I squeezing her arms against our chests as I wrap my arms tightly around her body, resting my head on top of hers. She squirms trying to free herself from my embrace, but all she can manage is to form her hands into fists.

"Stop it, let me go," she's furious at my audacity to embrace her. She pounds against my chest, which causes her to hit herself as well. Regardless of her strong punches, I run my hands up and down her back in a soothing motion. She continues to hit me with incredible force, "Get off me," She groans loudly, her fists continuously colliding into my ribcage.  
Abruptly, as Rey shouts for me to let her go her voice breaks and she sucks in a sharp breath. I feel her abdomen concave and her ribs protrude as she fails to prevent herself from violently sobbing. She begins to tremble in my arms and her punches become less vigorous. I hear the way she takes shallow, sporadic breaths in and barely exhales. Her legs begin to wobble so I lower us onto the carpeted floor, pulling her into my lap. Rey no longer hits me; instead she rests her open palms on my chest and buries her head into my shoulder. Weeping relentlessly into me, I continue to rub her back. I breathe calmly, silently hoping she will do the same. Her tears soak into my shirt, the sound of her crying is heart wrenching and she grasps at my shirt twisting it in her hands and creating small fists. It is almost as if she is clenching onto it fearing I'll let her go. We stay silent for a long time.

"From the moment we met I needed you-" I whisper, "-And you have needed me," I kiss her wet hair. "And as much as we try and convince ourselves otherwise, we both know that hasn't changed…" Rey has stopped shaking, but occasionally sobs, snuggling her head into the crook of my neck. We stay on the floor for longer than I care to remember, my hand constantly running up and down the length of Rey's spine while the other one is buried in her slowly drying hair.

Finally she speaks, "Let me get up," She demands in a hoarse voice, I take my arms off of her and she awkwardly stands up. I can tell she is embarrassed by the way she broke down, but I'm not sure if she is unstable enough to think I would judge her for it.

I suppose some would say she looks terrible: her eyes are bloodshot and rimmed with dark purple circles, and tears stain her blotchy red cheeks. Her lips are pale and chapped and her nose is as red as the resistance logo painted on the wall above the desk. She looks as if she has been drained of life - but none of that matters to me.  
"Rey," I whisper sitting up slightly.

"Finn, don't say anything." She sounds as exhausted as she looks. I sit back as she walks into the restroom, locking herself in.

The carpeted floor becomes hard the longer I sit on it, but I dare not move, so I wait for her to come out.  
I don't know how long it is until I fall asleep again, curled awkwardly by the bathroom door.


	26. Chapter 26

I don't wake again until later in the night, even though the window is letting in a slight breeze I find myself somewhat sweaty. I slowly sit up, my right shoulder and back protesting in pain; being in same position all night has caused my scars to cramp. The only light in the room is emitted by the moon, which peaks through a small gap where the drapes don't meet. I push through the uncomfortable stretching until I am sitting up high enough to look upon the bed. Rey sleeps with her back to me, on the side closest to the bathroom door, her body concealed by a single sheet; it being too hot to sleep under more. I stand up pacing quietly to the table near the bed; I take off my shirt and pants, instantly feeling cooler, I grab the bed shorts off the chair where I had left them and pull them over my underclothing. Without a second thought - and regardless of how she may treat me in the morning - I tip-toe around to the other side of the bed. As quietly as I can I ease myself under the sheet and rest my head on the pillow. I stay on my side, facing Rey; my muscles immediately relax, thanking me for the comfort of the soft mattress. I gaze upon her for a moment, a strange, sad smile comes across my lips as I see the way she looks so tranquil, I just hope she isn't having any nightmares. I decide to roll around and face away from her, closing my eyes and allowing a peaceful sleep to finally arrive. However, it doesn't last very long; I feel my shoulder shake under the grip of a gentle touch. I moan slightly, desperately needing to sleep, the past few hours had been more eventful than I am used to.

"Finn?" I can hear the disbelief in her voice. I roll back around and face her, there is a large space between us, "I thought you would leave," I groan in frustration, then sigh deeply.

"I know you're used to being alone, and I know it is hard for you to understand that I am not going to leave you like everyone else has. Believe me I couldn't walk away from you, even if I wanted to - I know that now. Rey I don't want to leave; and I'll sleep on the damned floor to prove it." She stays silent, appearing so much smaller than she is on her far side of the bed. I close my eyes and pull the sheet up to my chin, rolling my head down into the pillow.

"Finn…" She mumbles quietly, and I can't help but smile a tiny smile.

"Yes, Rey?" I counter with a mock flat tone.

"You're right," she whispers.

"I know I'm right," I reply arrogantly.

"I don't want to be alone, but…" her voice fades and I look back up at her, she is barely visible in the moonlight but I notice the way her eyes shine with tears and I lose all ability to remain overconfident. I reach my hand out into the darkness, and she takes it, shattering the space between us. "Finn, I'm not allowed to feel the way I do about you," My emotions are conflicted. My heart flutter happily before it slowly sinks down into the pit of my stomach where it then starts to ache.

"What do you mean?" I ask, intertwining our fingers.

"Jedi, are not supposed to form deep connections, everything needs to be in an equal equilibrium," Rey says quietly.

"Why?"

"It's just the way it is supposed to be, we have to be impartial,"

"I know the tales Rey: Luke was never neutral, he would always go running to save the people that were important to him,"

"That was different," Rey coolly remarks.

"How? He left training to save the people he cared about. General Hux gave speeches about how close Darth Vader was to winning his son over to the dark side, how they fought on Cloud City," I run my thumb along hers.

"And he lost his hand because of it. Finn, he wasn't ready, he wasn't in control of his emotions yet,"

"So you're saying you're not in control of yours either?" I see her shrug her shoulders in the moonlight, "What about when you are in control, what happens then?"

"I don't know, but deep feelings lead to reckless behaviour, and reckless behaviour leads to the dark side, and neither of us wants that," she sighs.

"Rey, it isn't fair you're denied the opportunity to have passion and care for people around you, the people who care about you… people who find it hard to breathe when you're gone," the words slip out of my mouth. Rey tries her best to ignore it but I hear the way she takes a sharp breath.

"I should let go of my emotions, they're too dangerous," I close my eyes for a brief moment.

"You told me you wanted to be happy, that you didn't care about what Luke said," she stays quiet for a moment, "You told me you didn't want to push me away…"

"I know I did, but that was before you left," she takes a quick breath, "You said you didn't want to run anymore, yet you walked out that door," she adds quietly.

"Rey, listen to me, I thought I could leave, for a moment it made sense, but then I realised I was a fool," I don't know how else to explain it to her, she just doesn't seem to understand.

"Maybe it does make sense; maybe it would just be easier if you left," Her voice holds no assertion; I know she doesn't believe a word she is saying.

"Rey," I groan, "You can't keep doing this," I slowly inch closer to her, closing the space between us. "One minute you tell me you don't want to be alone," I tug her hand slightly which brings her a little bit closer to me, "Then the next you want me to leave."

"I'm sorry,"

"I'm sorry too, but we can't keep doing this…" Our foreheads are almost touching, and I try to ignore the heat that spread through my body at her close proximity. My voice is hoarse and deep with my need for her, "We both know we miss each other when we are apart," My voice is dry and I see the way Rey's eyes darken and flicker to my lips, "Why do we keep putting ourselves through it?" I whisper. Rey no longer seems to be listening, her focus is entirely on my lips, I lick them instinctively. She takes that as an invitation and presses her lips softly to mine; I close my eyes as she takes her hand out of my grip and she cups my jaw with it, the tips of her fingers softly delve into my short curly hair. I'm lost in the moment, sighing into the kiss. I never knew just how amazing it would feel to have someone else's lips on mine. Especially someone like Rey's, hers are so gentle and seem to bring the light to the darkest parts of me; my hand rubs along Rey's waist subconsciously.

I'm soon pulled back into reality and realise this is only making things more complicated. I murmur her name in between kisses as an attempt for her to stop, but she takes it as praise and continues. I softly push against her shoulder; her lips still puckered as they part from mine. "Rey," I say sternly, continuing to rub her waist slowly. "What are you doing, you're not making any sense,"

"I don't know. The only thing that makes sense to me is just how much I want you…" The way her hand caresses my jaw and runs deeper into my hair makes it incredibly hard to concentrate.

"Talk to me, I can help you figure it out," I ignore the way she looks at me in the moonlight, her eyes almost black and her teeth running over her lips. Before I lose my inhibitions, I awkwardly lean over her and switch on the small beside light. She is flooded in the soft orange glow and if she didn't sigh and sit up slightly I wouldn't have been able to resist her. I sit up higher too, pressing my elbow into the pillow and leaning my head on my hand so I look slightly down upon her.


	27. Chapter 27

"Are you not wearing a shirt?" She quickly asks, as if just noticing the moment she says the words.

"Yeah, it's hot," Her mouth parts slightly her eyes wandering across my bare chest and she focuses on the way my arm flexes as it supports my head. I can see the way she flushes; I wonder what she is thinking. I hope her distraction means she doesn't see me hide my subtle smile.

I have kept my hand on her hip, purely for the reason that I don't want to take it away. There has to be some way for me to convince her that we need to stop going around in this constant circle. One moment we can't keep our hands off each other and the next we are galaxy's apart.

"Do you want to be happy?" I query quietly, without fully realising I had asked it. She nods, her gaze still focused on taking in my body that the sheet does not cover. "Do I make you happy?" I rub circles into the fabric of her nightgown and she looks up into my eyes.

"Yes," She breathes, blinking slowly. I twitch my nose to prevent myself from smiling, I need to stay serious and not fall into the shy happiness I feel. Before I can continue my interrogation she buts in, "Do I make you happy?"

"Very," I whisper surely, "but also frustrated and confused," She lowers her eyes from mine, "But we're going to work on that," I insist.

"Finn," She murmurs trying to deter me, but it isn't going to work.

"Do you want to stay away from me?" I squeeze her hip a bit tighter as I rub my fingers along her wait. Her nightgown is tied together in an intricate bow at the front of her chest and the small metal baubles twinkle in the light. I ponder if it would be hard to undo…

"I'm supposed to," she mumbles quietly. I quickly look back up at her and it takes me a moment to remember what I asked. I notice I may be distracting her so I stop moving my hand, and rest it high on her waist.

"Do _you_ want to?" I repeat slowly.

"I, but…" she pauses, "No," she sighs when she finally says the small word that holds so much weight.

"Do you think I am going to leave you?" Rey stays silent. Her eyes flicker from me, to the mattress between us and back up again. Her lips quiver so I squeeze her waist, encouraging her to answer. "Rey, do you think I would be able to leave you?" I rephrase the question slightly. She breathes in deeply, shrugging her shoulders as she releases it.

"I don't know, maybe,"

"Rey, this isn't going to work if you're not honest," I press.

"Fine, okay, yes. I do think you can leave me. When you closed that door I thought you weren't coming back; I was convinced. So yes I think you would be able to leave and not look back," Rey isn't crying, and she isn't mad, she is in a neutral headspace. This is the perfect opportunity to help her see sense, because she isn't overwhelmed.

"When I walked out that door I didn't realise that you were still confused, and I am sorry for that. Truly, I am. Rey, for a moment I fell into the trap you keep hiding in," realising my words come out harsher than I intended I lean down and kiss her forehead which receives a subtle smile in response. "I tried to convince myself that it'll be easier if I push you way. Easier if I ran..." I pause, "Does that sound familiar?" I don't wait for her response, and she looks into my eyes as I say: "You said you wouldn't push me away, and I said I wouldn't run, but we always end up falling back into that pattern: you reject me and I leave..."

"I didn't push you, Finn, I did the opposite. I saw the look in your eye when I gave you the bed clothes, you looked frightened and you went to run,"

"I was terrified, because each time we've slept in a bed I've woken up to find you're gone. You said you wouldn't push but you never said _you_ wouldn't run." Rey blinks a few times, absorbing what I said. "I was selfish, I know that. I wanted to protect myself from getting hurt, but I also wanted to protect you, I didn't know if you'd regret having me stay the night,"

"I never regretted sleeping with you near me," she admits.

"Then why are we doing this?" I ask as I slowly take my hand from her waist and lie my back down against the mattress. The sheet loosely drapes across my ribs leaving my chest bare, I bend my arms and place both my hands behind my head and look up at the ceiling.

"Because, regardless of how we want to be, I'm still not allowed to feel that way,"

"Rey, for the last time, you deserve happiness, you have been lonely almost your whole life. I don't think Luke should be allowed to dictate how you feel." I close my eyes, trying to concentrate. "Poe once said to me that you're silly for thinking you can control how you feel about me." I take a quick breath, "I thought that I could control it too, but look at where we are-" I continue to stare at the ceiling, "-Rey, we are always going to end up like this, if you're supposed to or not." She stays silence so I quietly add: "Okay, so you have to eliminate distractions, just don't let me be a distraction..." after some time I feel the mattress shift. It crosses my mind that Rey has decided to leave, but then I realise that I can almost feel her body next to mine as crosses to my side of the bed.

"Okay," Rey whispers before pressing her lips against my bent elbow.

"Okay?" I repeat, unsure if I heard her correctly. I take my arm from under my head so I can see her clearly and Rey starts to kiss my shoulder.

"From now on, you won't be a distraction," she trails kisses up my shoulder and sucks lightly on my neck. The sensation travels directly to my core, the burning glow only she provides illuminates me. As amazing as it feels I crave more, so I take my other hand from behind my head grasp her face, pulling her lips up to mine.


	28. Chapter 28

_++++  
Hello beautiful readers, I have some good news and some bad…  
I will start with the bad: I will be going away for the weekend, therefore I cannot update every day.  
However, the good news (I hope) is that today will be a __**triple update**_ _to make up for my premature departure! :D_ (Although I suggest not reading them all at once). _I hope I will still have your faithful readership when I return._

 _I would also love to take this as an opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Every view, every review, every story follow and favourite, I treasure it all! I am grateful for and appreciate every single one! I hope you are all safe and well, and I'll return to my normal schedule in a few days 3 :)  
++++_

Rey moves closer to me, our lips never parting as I sit up slightly against the headboard and she lies on her side next to me. Her arm extends across my bare chest, her fingers might not be soft but her touch is nothing but gentle. She drags her hand slowly down the side of my body; pulling the thin sheet down until it only covers my lower hips and legs. My skin crawls at the sensation and it causes me to smile against her lips. She pulls back slightly, "That tickles," I whisper my voice hoarse.

"Sorry," her seduction is so innocent that I can't do anything but crash my lips back to hers. Rey's tongue caresses my lips and I open my mouth a little wider in response; testing to see what will happen. The kiss deepens considerably, and I feel the knots tie in my core. I can't help but sigh into Rey's touch as she takes a note out of my book of tricks and begins to run her hand along my waist in a slow, tender motion. At least now I know it feels good; my skin seems to radiate from wherever her hands lie. I run my fingers into her hair – which has dried quickly in the heat.

"Your skin is so soft," she murmurs into my mouth before I take her lower lip between mine and begin to gently suck on it. I can't help myself flush at her words and Rey moans lightly. I greedily need more; I bend my knee, using my foot to press into the mattress rolling me so my back is off the bed and I face Rey. I gather her hair in one of my hands and pull it back, setting it on the pillow behind her. My lip releases Rey's and she whimpers, which causes me to smirk. My fingers play with Rey's hair as I quickly press my lips to her jaw, trailing light kisses in my wake as I teasingly approach the place below her ear. I can feel her anticipation and it mixes with my desire for her, causing the room to rise in temperature, but this type of heat I do not mind. Her hand sinks down from my hip and she holds onto my raised upper thigh for support.

I kiss her neck, down and slowly back up, I can feel her pulse under my lips; the way her heartbeat pounds makes mine do the same. All thought of sleep has vanished from my mind and I am fixated on Rey. My lips ghost over the spot I know she likes, I feel her shiver. I begin to add pressure, and I feel like I cannot breathe from the way she reacts: her back arching slightly every time I make contact, light moans fall from her lips each time, and it sends blood rushing directly towards my core.  
I feather kisses across her neck, swiping my tongue across her skin sometimes which results in her sighing and squeezing my thigh. I trail my lips against her neck, becoming intoxicated by the way she smells of body wash, hair products and herself. I reach just below her ear again and pucker my lips, sucking deeply against her skin. Immediately Rey's hand delves into my hair, holding my head against her as she inhales sharply; her back arches until her chest is pressed against mine. , I take my fingers from her hair and move my hand down her spine, pressing her back forward and holding her firmly against me. She moans, loudly, louder than she intended to, I suck harder needing to hear it again. She absorbs the way my lips feel against her, "Finn..." My skin tingles at the way my name fall so effortlessly from her lips, almost like a question; as if she is in a state where she is no longer aware of what is really happening. Rey places her leg over mine, intertwining our feet; the action so intimate I find a trace of a smile on my lips. She relaxes into me, as if she found confirmation it is indeed I who is making her feel this way. I leave the place she seems to love, trailing my kisses down further. Rey relaxes slightly, letting out a ragged breath, her hand is still in my hair and the feeling is indescribable as she runs her fingers through it. I kiss lower, and wonder what she looks like under her nightgown - beautiful, obviously - but I want to see her, kiss every small curve, every scratch and scar she has accumulated. I am surprised by my thoughts, and the way they make me feel.  
I swipe my tongue along her collarbone, kissing the sensitive skin above it. Her breath hitches and she sighs under the light pressure of my lips; I grin inwardly, I'll have to remember this place.  
Instinctively my fingers have started to fiddle with the small bow that the strings of her nightgown form across her chest. If I was to undo them this night could end very differently... As desperately as I want to explore her body I don't know if she would like me to do that, and I wouldn't know what to do and what not to do; so I decide to kiss back up her neck again. I press my lips roughly under her ear again, and she flinches away, a shrill whimper escapes her lips.

Immediately I pull away, staring at her, "Did I hurt you?" I ask anxiously. I can't ignore the way she looks so alluring, I have to bite my lip to stop myself from kissing her again. I compensate by running my hand lower down to the small of her back and pressing her closer to me. Her dark hair is sprawled almost like a halo around her head, her eyes are dark and her pale skin glows in the orange light of the bed side light, she is utterly irresistible.

"A little, but it doesn't matter," I blink a few times my grip loosens slightly, she frowns.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I'll stop-" I whisper my voice husky, she furrows her brows.

"No, don't stop," she laughs, "just don't kiss me there," she gestures to the place on her neck, and my mouth instantly drops open. There is a large, dark purple and red welt below her ear. The colours swirl together and it makes my stomach churn. I conceal a slight sob as I take my arm from around her waist. Rolling onto my back, the sheet lying loosely just under my hips, leaving my entire cheat on display. Rey's foot - which was intertwine with mine - is dragged with the motion and her leg falls over to the other side of me, pulling her entire body closer, but I barely notice.


	29. Chapter 29

"Did I do that?" I foolishly ask, glancing at her briefly before looking back to the ceiling; utterly disgusted in myself. "If it hurt then why didn't you tell me to stop? I'd never do anything to harm you..." I cover my face with my hands, how could I be selfish enough to think my assault on her was a pleasant experience, and her moans weren't ones of anguish. The mattress shifts, I sigh, assuming that Rey is going to leave me in here alone. That is until I feel an unusual weight press down upon my hips. Rey grasps my hands - being careful of my bandaged wrist - she peels them from my eyes before holding them against the bed.  
I forget everything for a moment as I gulp at the sight of her above me. She has one leg on either side of my waist, her hair cascading down her shoulders, the breeze from the open window captures it and it flutters, slightly messy from when my fingers had been tangled it. My eyes linger on the mound under the right sleeve, where her arm is heavily bandaged from her blaster wound. "You will have to get your arm tended too," My eyes trail down her body and I try my best to ignore the way her nightgown is gathered high up her thighs, but my eyes linger there. My attention only averted when Rey leans down close to me; my heart does not beat for a moment, before it begins to steadily pound against my ribcage. She intertwines her fingers with mine as she holds my hands against the mattress; the intimate gesture causes my breath to hitch and she looks at me with a beautifully small and seductive smile.

"You didn't hurt me…" I move my head to the side and observe her neck again.

"I did-" my voice is quiet and full of guilt.

"It felt amazing. You are amazing-" my heart swells at her compliment, but the happiness fades "-The skin is just a bit tender, that's all," she tries to reassure me, but I shake my head.

"You should see it..." she leans down even closer to me, kissing my lips, for a single moment I absorb the way it feels to have her soft lips against mine before I mumble her name.  
She pulls back slightly, "Rey, it has bruised and-" she cuts me off.

Her lips right against my ear, "Oh, Finn," she sighs, and it ripples down my body, "I wouldn't care if it bled,"

"But," she releases one of my hands and presses it lightly over my mouth, silencing me.

"I don't think you realise how good it felt-" in a single swift motion she leans away from me, flicking her hair so it all falls to one side before she moves her head back down to my ear, "-when you kissed me," she moves lower down my neck and presses her lips lightly under my ear. "When you would do this," she murmurs seductively, slightly licking my skin before adding more pressure, my breathing intensifies as I close my eyes. She continues to kiss me, harder, occasionally wetting my skin with her warm tongue. Rey takes her hand from my mouth, running her fingers along my neck and down my torso. She nips her teeth into my skin, shots of pleasure burst into my bloodstream. A quiet sigh of pleasure slips out of my mouth and my hand grips Rey's waist, she begins to suck harder against my skin. My closed eyes squeeze as I focus completely on the way my skin tingles under her lips, the way one of her hands runs circles into my chest and how her other hand is intertwined with mine and our fingers twist and rub together.  
I don't realise I say her name amongst a deep, sated moan, until I feel my chest shake under Rey's fingers; her breathing hitches, I think she enjoyed hearing that noise. Her lips leave the spot and I think she is going to sit up, so I slip my hand down and rest it on her thigh. But she isn't finished with me yet.

She moves under my jaw, kissing me lightly, before sucking against my skin passionately. I inhale sharply at her unexpected intensity, my grip tightening on her leg. She continues to kiss me like this for a few minutes. Just as I think she is about to rise into my view and I open my eyes, she lightly presses her lips to my now sensitive skin under my ear, and I twitch away instinctively; my brows lowering at the uncomfortable contact. She leans back, my eyes flickers to where her nightgown has ridden almost all the way up her thigh; I quickly focus back on Rey's face, a subtle smile on her red lips.  
"Oh," is all I can fathom,  
My mind and body are still trying to comprehend the way she is straddling my waist, let alone everything else that has happened.  
I now understand what Rey meant. The wind starts to cool the room down slightly, but the heat that radiates from us keeps us warm.  
I close my eyes, trying to slow my shallow breathing. Rey slips her hand out of mine, and takes her hand from my chest; cupping both sides of my face before she presses her swollen lips back on mine. We move slowly and tenderly together, our pace helps to calm me down, but the fire inside still burns bright. I take both my hands onto her waist, pressing my fingers into her skin, she sighs into my mouth and I smile ever so slightly. In one smooth action Rey slides her legs down mine; her small frame is light even though she has most of her weight on me. I suck a sharp breath in at the way she feels on top of me, her breasts pressed against my bare chest. she has made me incredibly flustered, so much so I don't really know what to do, my hands fumble and the kiss becomes sloppy. I feel the way her lips smirk against mine, and I decide I won't let her get away with all the fun.  
I run my hands from her waist, down her legs, moving them to the back of her thighs as I run them up to the top of her legs, squeezing her. I caress my hands back down her thighs. I bring my hands to the sides of her legs again, and let my hands sink under her gathered nightgown and grip her low on her hips. She attempts to conceal her moan but I hear it, and I do not attempt to hide my smirk this time.

Rey begins to kiss deeper, licking my bottom lip before sucking on it, I take my hands from under her gown and cross my arms over her lower back, pressing her closer to me, she faintly sighs and she takes her hands from my face, digging her fingers into my sides as she runs them down, an action that would leave scratches if she had longer nails, but the feeling causes my chest shake from my ragged breath and as her fingers graze lower to my wait my hips rise off the mattress grinding into hers, she conceals a tiny gasps and giggles – it is a beautiful sound. I realise that she thinks she has won our little game.

I uncross my arms, and securely grip her waist, her lips stop moving against mine and I know she has a confused expression on her face. I swiftly twist her, simultaneously taking one hand off her as I flip us around so she is underneath me. I use my free arm to support myself above her. Both of my legs are between hers so I try my best to keep my weight off her. I look down at her, she looks beautiful. Rey's cheeks have a rosy flush to them, her mouth parted slightly, thrown off by my unexpected manoeuvre. As I am about to smirk at her I can't do it, I am transfixed by her green eyes as the shine in the light. My breathing is heavy as I try to catch up for lost air, and I attempt to memorise this moment. Rey's chest rises and falls in time with mine and I notice I am so intensely overwhelmed by the way I feel about her, but in the most exquisite way possible. "You are gorgeous." I think to myself, I watch my hand as I run it along her arm.

"Finn…" She whispers, and I flicker my eyes to her and notice the way her lip quivers and her breathing deepens.

"Hmm?" I mumble, still not sure if I can form a coherent sentence.

"What did you just say?" I look at her questioningly. I feel my skin heat up and a flush spread through me. My mouth parts slightly at the realisation I said the words out loud.

"I – um," she has a look in her eye, one of unsure admiration. I sigh, "I said that you are gorgeous," Once I start I cannot stop myself, "Rey, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I might not have seen many, but I don't need to, because I know you are more stunning than all of them." I brush her hair from her face, exposing all her beauty. The next moment Rey has her lips smashed against mine and a kiss that is all heat, hair and hands. Her unexpected action nearly knocks my hand that supports me, but I capture my balance before I collapse onto her. After a long moment Rey pulls back away and lays her head down on the pillow.

"No one has said anything like that to me before," she admits. She watching her own fingers draw circles into my skin. I don't know how she feels about it, she seems to have secluded into herself. Nonetheless, I smile and lean into her touch.

"I want to be the only one," I admit quietly, she smiles a tiny smile.

"So do I," I return her small smile. I observe her as she flickers her focus back onto me, her eyebrows crease ever so slightly and I notice some something in her eyes. Rey gazes at me like she adores me, and I just know I have to exact same look and it makes the fire inside me crackle.


	30. Chapter 30

We continue to gaze at each other for a little while longer, until Rey leisurely wraps her legs around my lower back, locking her feet, and I stop breathing. She blinks slowly, smiling dreamily at me. I don't think we are in a competition to show dominance anymore. Her hand raises up and she caresses my face affectionately, running her fingers through my hair before grasping the back of my neck and pulling my head down. She leans up at the same time, closing the space between us before bringing her head back down upon the pillow bringing me with her. I gradually add more pressure upon her as I relax; however, my mind is constantly weary of my weight upon her. I moan as her legs tighten around me and she sighs in response, the contact something foreign yet sensational. We continue to kiss each other, the passion raging, then simmering down slowly as we catch our breath, before igniting it again.  
"Finn?" She mutters between small kisses.

"Yeah?" I murmur back, not fully focused as I kiss her lips again, I don't think I ever want to stop.

"Can we swap?" She asks running her fingers in my hair.

"What do you mean?" I ask, pulling back enough to reveal her whole face.

"I want… I mean, can you be on the bottom?" she mumbles blushing, and I smirk.

"Why's that?" I enquire, twisting her hair absentmindedly in my fingers.

She doesn't meet my eye as she answers, "I liked it," she whispers, I continue to smirk as I lower my face down into her hair.

"I liked it too," I whisper back into her ear, before flipping us quickly around again. She grins happily as she straddles my hips. I put my arms behind my head and gaze at her. She looks like a mythical angel in her white nightgown. Or maybe even a princess.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" her tone has gained defiance, like she thinks she is better now she has me under her.

"I'm just enjoying the view," I see the way she blushes as I grin up at her. I start to move my hands delicately along her thighs, occasionally adding pressure. She relaxes around me, her eyes fluttering closed, and her hands instinctively spread up my chest. Even at our innocently slow pace I feel like my blood is on fire, and when she opens her eyes, they're dark and full of desire. As beautiful as she looked under me I think I prefer when she has her weight pressed against me.  
I watch as she tries to conceal a yawn; her chest expanding as she breathes in. She looks adorable the way her nose scrunches up and her eyes become watery, and her hand casually tries to hide her open mouth. Her action makes yawn as well, and I suddenly become aware of just how tired I am.  
This day seems like it has been going for weeks, and I briefly wonder if the owner of the general store wasn't too angry that I had not returned to help him clean his store. Rey looks down upon my bare chest, taking in the way it moves as I breathe, and the way my arms tense and relax as I move my hands along her legs. Her eyes linger on my right shoulder, and it occurs to me that this seems to be the first time she noticed my scar tonight. I don't want her to draw attention to it; I don't want it to ruin the night  
"Rey," I whisper as she pushes her hair behind her ears. She flickers her eyes to meet mine, her expression somewhat forlorn. "Come here..." I nod down gesturing to my chest. She smiles sleepily, leaning over to the side, flicking the light switch off. We plunge into a darkness only broken by the small amount of moonlight splintering through the fluttering drapes.  
Her legs sliding down my body, my hands pushed up to her hips with the movement. She finds my lips in the darkness and I return her gentle kiss, taking my hands and gathering all her hair in my fingers, twisting it out of the way. She pulls away from my lips after a moment and moves down a bit lower, resting her head in the crook of my neck. Neither of us say a word, we don't have to.  
Her chest is placed so wonderfully against me that it is as if I can feel her heart inside mine. It is as if somehow she has gotten under my skin and her heartbeat pounds through me.  
Her breathing slows, the light kisses she presses against my neck become few and far between. My eyes feel heavy; the euphoria we were feeding off has simmered down and left us with a sated tiredness. I caress my hand down her back and hold her against me as I shuffle into a more comfortable position; resting my cheek upon the top of her head, the perfume of her hair products mix with her and It's almost like a lullaby for my senses. Rey's hand gently draws circles into the skin of my bare chest. I'm on the verge of sleep when I feel her movements stop, her hand moving up to hold the other side of my neck, her fingertips twisting the short curls at the nape of my neck, she takes a large sigh. I kiss her hair and slip into a heavy sleep with a smile on my lips.

I jolt awake from a deep, dreamless slumber, immediately before I even have the chance to open my eyes or have a sense of where I am, I clench my hand and it grasps a soft fabric. My eyes flutter open, and relief washes over me as I see her. Almost exactly how she was the night before, but her fingers are no longer in my hair, but rather her arm has extended across my chest and her hand is linked with mine on the mattress. One of her legs has fallen between mine and I have the urge to squeeze her tightly, as close to me as possible, but I don't want to shift us. I attempt to absorb the way it feels to wake up having her body still pressed against mine. The subtle dawn light illuminates the room just enough that I can see her. I lick my swollen, chapped lips the taste of Rey still lingers on them. I close my eyes sighing out steadily, trying by best not to move and wake her.  
I doze quietly, listening to the songs of the birds and focusing on the way it feels as Rey moves as she breathes. She starts to shift slightly, and I smile, opening my eyes to watch her rise out of her sleep. My smile fades as she loosens her grip on my hand, fearing that she may resort to her usual ways and push me away again. However, as she lifts her hand away, it hovers above mine, in mid-air for a moment before lowering back down and her fingers intertwine tightly with mine. She buries her face in my neck and starts to kiss me softly and I sigh my eyes close and I focus on the way my neck tingles.

"Good morning," My voice is thick with sleep.  
Suddenly, she stops and is completely still. I open my eyes as Rey simultaneously presses against my chest and turns her head around. I can feel it too, something isn't right. Before I can ask what is wrong the door creaks open, and the echo of stomping footsteps become louder. He approaches: walking around the large wall, he stops, staring at us. Kylo Ren.


	31. Chapter 31

He paces from one end of the bed to the other; both of us awkwardly lie against the headboard watching him intently. The thin sheet is the only protection at his close proximity, and it only covers our legs.  
"Again, the traitor and the girl, such an odd pair," his tone is curiously sinister, and it makes me shudder. The only thought I can completely comprehend in his moment is my need to protect Rey. He seems unarmed, wearing only a long medical gown. I sit up completely, Rey slips down my chest and into my lap. I sit up further, rolling her off of me, slightly turning my back to Kylo Ren before sliding Rey along the mattress so that she is behind me, my body acting like a human shield. I will accept her anger and any abuse she will throw at me as a result of my manoeuvre, but for now it makes me feel safer.  
I have no idea how he is here, how he escaped the numerous identification tests, and why he came into this room. The only conclusion I can form is that he was able to sense Rey's abilities with the force; I think it works like that.

I am stiff, almost trapped on the mattress, Rey still sitting behind me. I can feel my adrenaline pulse through my veins until every inch of my body is swimming in it- but still I cannot seem to move. Rey and I are both in such a vulnerable situation, we lack in armour, and weapons… My eyes flicker to my bag which is still on the table before my focus redirects towards Kylo.  
"Get my bag," I whisper to Rey, I am sure Kylo can hear me, as he continues to pace back and forth. She does as I ask, quickly jumping off the bed and returning with my rucksack. "Open it," I tell her, as she is about to unzip it, Kylo stops mid-step and snatches it from her hands with his mind, flinging it across the room so that is lies near the wardrobe.  
I continue to stare at him, and he stares at me, I do not know what he wants. Does he want Rey? Does he want Luke? Is he looking for revenge? Or maybe he is in search for a pilot? While my mind was occupied with questions I was unaware that Rey had shifted off the bed and walked towards him, until she entered my line of sight. My entire body loses strength at the sight of her standing in front of him.

"I am not afraid of you," She seethes defiantly. I am shocked by her foolish courage, and disappointed in my cowardly inability to move from the bed. Sometimes I just wish she would let me protect her.

"You're not?" He questions coolly, stepping closer to her. He slides his hands along her waist gripping low on her hips; his eyes focus on mine, his lips turn into a smirk as his fingers reach out towards the bow of tied string holding the front of her nightgown together. Before he even touches the metal bauble I have flung my body from the bed and have him pinned against the wall. I use all of my upper-strength to press my hand to his throat; I'm surprised at my ability to catch him entirely off guard. However, I see no fear or surprise in his cold, lifeless eyes.

"Don't ever touch her," I bellow, my voice reverberating off every surface in the room. My hands shake with the strength throbbing through me, and I feel the arteries in my neck twitch with adrenaline. I take in his features, his scar hasn't healed properly, I can tell by the way it has large patches of red scabbing and oozing with blood and puss. I know I am not a sadist, but I would enjoy reopening his wound and watch the pained expression on his face as I do so. "Not so powerful without your Lightsaber, are you?" I mock harshly. He responds with a loud laugh, his throat moving beneath my fingers.

"Now, now FN-2187, does your pretty friend realise who you truly are, what you're trained to do?" He croaks, I wonder why he hasn't tried to escape my tight grip.

It is my turn to laugh, "Yes, she does and I'm not that person anymore, I'm not like the rest of those mindless followers." I mutter furiously.

He grins, "You think so?" He asks rhetorically before glaring at me. "You will release me and kill her." He orders, my grip loosens slightly, and I can tell my eyes flicker with unease, but I fight it. He repeats his command and I feel my heart fight it; everything in my body screams at me to resist; so I do. I press harder against his throat, and hear his voice squeaks slightly, "You will release me and kill the girl." He demands again. It is as if I am overridden, my mind no longer under my control. My grip relaxes and my body straightens.

"Finn?" Rey whispers, as if she is asking if I am still myself. All the adrenaline seeps out of my veins, and I become hard and robotic as I lose all ability to create any conscious thought.

"I will release you and kill the girl." I repeat my order.

"Finn…" She disbelievingly repeats as I release my grip from around Kylo's throat. His face splits into a menacing smirk.  
"Finn, stop…" her voice breaks, but she has no power over me now. I glance over to the bag that lies half open by the walk in robe. I approach it and retrieve the blaster from inside. Even though I may have no control as my feet lead me back towards Rey tears prick my eyes, and a few roll down my cheek. A piece of me is still fighting for her, but I am helpless to assist.

I look into Rey's green eyes which focus on mine as I raise the blaster up, my finger shakes slightly against the trigger. I feel the weapon slip out of my grip and it lands behind Rey near the restroom door.  
"Tell me your name." She orders.

"I respond to the designation FN-2187."

"No, your name is Finn," She tells me, I stare blankly at her. The order from Kylo Ren screams in my ears and drowns out all other sounds. I watch Rey's mouth move but none of her words are processed. I advance on her, and she closes her eyes.


	32. Chapter 32

It is as if I am in slow motion, my feet are barely moving, and Rey's chest takes an extremely long time to expand as she inhales. Her death is the only thing I can comprehend, and I am indifferent about it. All of a sudden it is as if I feel a light spreads through me and I hear her voice, yet her mouth does not move.

"Come back to me, Finn," her plea is barely a whisper over Kylo Ren's demand pounding through my mind. My heart is telling me to fight his control but my feet continue to approach her.  
Rey is calm, eyes closed, almost accepting what I am about to do, suddenly I cannot move another step. She is a metre or so in front of me but I am trapped by a type of invisible shield. I hear her voice again, louder this time.  
"You are not a Stormtrooper, you will not hurt me." She orders, and I feel a battle begin to rage inside of me; a battle of light and dark.  
The light that only glows when I'm with Rey spreads from my heart. The darkness, however, is too overpowering. Suddenly they clash, and the orders I was given mingle together in a mess of words. I am frozen in place.  
I focus on the way Rey looks calm as she too tries to fight the darkness inside my head. I can sense the way she seems to embrace my mind, attempting to sort through the mess it has become.  
"Close your eyes," she whispers distantly. I follow her request, slowly lowering my eye lids as she endeavours to use her skills to bring me back to her, and to balance my thoughts. "You will not hurt me," I relax slightly as Rey's words begin to become louder, sinking deeper into me, until they gain power over me.

"I will not hurt you." I repeat her order as the memories of last night flash behind my closed eyes. My skin tingles at the memory of her lips on my neck and my hands in her hair.  
I sense Kylo approaching, and Rey's voice suddenly fades. His close proximity and breath on the back of my neck turns my blood cold, and my body straightens, stiffening. I fully succumb to him, ready to obey my superior.

"You will kill her, she is a threat." His words trigger my mind into losing all concept of my identity. Indifference flows through me until every sliver of light Rey provides has been smothered by darkness. Rey's voice no longer breaks through. Kylo uses his outstretched hand to press against Rey's mind, her invisible shield disintegrating allowing for my feet to move slowly towards her again. Her eyes hold uncertainty, I can feel the way she fears me; she picks up my blaster which lies close to her and shakily points it in Kylo's direction.

I approach her, her finger fumbles on the trigger; I bend her arm back and grip onto the blaster. I feel the power flow through her, it radiates off her and her knee forcefully thrusts into my stomach. The blaster falls from both of hands and lands a small way away. I stumble back from the force of her attack; she is strong, but I know I am stronger. She may have been on her own from a young age, teaching herself how to survive, but I was trained from birth, to kill. I lunge for her, my hands ready to grip her neck but she deflects them with her arms. She grips one of my wrists, and twists us around so she has my arm pinned to my bare back.

"I don't want to hurt you," she whimpers, her hold loosens ever so slightly and I twist out of her grip and shove her back against the wall near the bathroom door.

"I am stronger than you," I am unaware that the words fall from my lips, I watch as her jaw clenches. She slips out of my grip and is about kick the back of my knees when I twist around; my reflexes instinctively grab hold of her outstretched leg. I watch her fret as I trip her, her back slumming onto the carpeted floor. Rey struggles to breathe curling slightly to one side as she tries to regain the air that was so violently knocked from her lungs.  
I step over her so that she lies between my legs before I aggressively lean down, rolling her onto her back, and sprawling out her limbs. I heavily sit on her thighs, immobilising her legs. I lean over her, my scar stretching at the extensive movement, but I am unaware of the repercussions of my movements. As my hands hold her down I notice the patch of red on her upper arm; her blaster shot wound has torn open and blood has soaked through her bandage and the sleeve of her nightgown. I take that as a sign of weakness, an advantage for me.  
I capture her fist with my hand before it comes in contact with the side of my head. I take both of her small callused hands in one of mine and hold them above her head. My breathing deepens as I try to keep her restrained underneath me.  
No thought other than my order to assassinate her crosses my mind. I am not concerned about how my weight may crush her, nor do I care that we both prefer when she's is on top. She squirms beneath me, kicking her legs and flailing her arms to no avail.

I observe the moment she becomes aware she cannot defeat me; that I am stronger than her. I watch as distress arrives in her eyes once I reach for her throat with my free hand. I clasp my fingers around her neck; the feeling sends uncomfortable shiver through me, which I easily ignore with my focus being on Kylo's order throbbing through me. I witness the look of utter terror as she her wide eyes gaze right into mine.  
Rey struggles to breathe, but is somehow able to wriggle her hands free from underneath my grip; so I quickly move my free hand to grip her throat as well. She grabs hold of both of my wrists as they constrict tightly around neck. She digs her nails into my skin. I am slightly confused when I witness her eyes abruptly lose their fear, and she becomes overwhelmed with something I cannot quite place. Rey then uses all of her strength to tear my grip from her and restrict my fingers from seizing her neck again. Kylo's demand continues to swim in my veins. I must complete his request. We fight for power, I push against her, trying to reach for her throat, but she shoves both my hands onto the floor. Gazing into my eyes with such intensity I can't seem to keep my strength. Rey takes my right hand and somehow spreads my palm flat, placing both of our hands forcefully over my bare chest. My breath catches and my body freezes. Not even Kylo's voice reaches me as I feel the way my heart beats beneath my fingers. Everything seems to have stopped. Neither Rey nor I blink as she takes my other hand, I willing let her place it against the left side of her chest. If I had full control over my thoughts I'd be surprised by her faith in me. Instead my brows crease together as I look down at her. A thousand memories and emotions pulse through my fingertips and surge through my veins, her light seeping through my fingertip and guiding me through the darkness; the power of it almost toppling me off of her. Rey is not using the Force, or any mind tricks, I can't sense her inside head like I could before. No, I am fighting my way back to her on my own.  
She uses my sudden vulnerability to overpower me. Everything goes black.


	33. Chapter 33

I groan as I come to, my arms are heavy as I push myself up. I support myself by leaning back on one of my hands and use the other to rub the side of my head where a large lump has formed. A deep throbbing sensation pulses out as I massage the swollen mound; the pain spreads across my forehead causing my head to ache.  
I sluggishly open my heavy eyes, taking uncomfortably staggered breaths. My blurry vision focuses on the carpeted floor of the bedroom. The afternoon sun shines through the drapes, did I sleep on here all night? My skin heats up as the memories of Rey and I together slowly return, however, they become hazy after a while. The last clear memory I have is Kylo Ren pacing back and forth at the end of the bed.  
I become aware of the humid heat hanging thick in the air, even with the window blowing the drapes back and forth it is hot. I take deep breathes in an attempt to calm my headache. I am severely startled at the sound of the door crashing open, the handle smashing against the plaster wall. My body stiffens as terror flows through me, I turn my head towards the door; not being able to stand up. Poe stands in the doorway stunned, wearing a gray shirt and pants, for a moment at the sight of me, shirtless and slumped on the ground.  
"Finn, buddy, Are you alright?" He asks, closing the door and rushing to my side. He collapses to his knees in front of me, grasping my face and turning the lump to the sunlight.

"What happened?" I ask, still trying to sort out what occurred.

"Kylo Ren got out, and well he came looking for Rey..." Poe continues to explain but I no longer hear his words as I begin to picture some more muddled memories. Poe notices how my jaw goes slack, hanging open and how my hands struggle to support my weight up as they shake.  
"Finn…" Poe's voice slips into my mind but it's lost as all I see is one clear image shining through the hazy mess. I almost relive the way I held her under me, not in a tender, romantic way, in a cruel and domineering way. I sit up taking my hands in front of me and looking down at them with disgust as if I can still feel the skin of her neck between my fingers. I am unable to comprehend anything else and all I see is the fear in her eyes, the distress I caused. My stomach churns and I feel as if I may be sick.

"Is she dead?" I mutter; my focus still on my hands.

"What did you say?" He asks, rubbing my shoulder in a comforting way.

"Did I kill her?" I practically scream, glaring at him. Poe's eyebrows twitch and he sighs. I feel as if I'm on the verge of a slippery precipice and I am about to slide off.

He shakes his head. The tension in my creased brow relaxes, "She's in the infirmary..." I am on my shaky feet immediately. I ignore the way my vision blurs and a hot sweat spreads across my face.  
"Finn!" Poe calls as I reach the door.

"I did something terrible," I wail, quickly opening the door. Guilt for the way I treated him will come later, but for now I rush down the corridors, occasionally veering into the walls; my perception lacking in accuracy.

I squeeze through the sliding door of the infirmary before it fully opens. I gaze through every window but most of the rooms are empty. A few nurses tell me not to run but I don't acknowledge them. I rush down the flight of stairs to the second ward, and I see her, standing at the desk taking with a doctor. Her white nightgown making her glow under the bright lights, and I feel like a monster who violated an goddess.  
 _What am I doing?_ She won't want to see me after what I remember doing to her. I haven't even worked out the rest of what happened in that room, but I'm sure none of it ends in her wanting to be around me. As much as I want to leave, I cannot move my feet. She glances over her shoulder and her eyes meet mine, she quickly turns fully around to face me. There is a large distance between us and Rey hastily starts to close it. I take a slow step back, then freeze as I notice the faint yellowy-green and purple bruises around her neck, they are barely noticeable but I see them and I know they will only worsen.  
"Finn..." She whispers as she approaches me, her soft voice makes me shudder and I so desperately need to get away from her but I still can't move. She puts her hands on my arms, I notice the sleeve of her nightgown soaked with blood. I shake beneath her fingertips.

"No, Rey, stop it, don't touch me..." I choke out the words, her hands stop caressing my bear arms.

"It's okay." She states calmly and I shake my head.

"No, you have to stop," my skin burns under her touch, and I carefully pry her hands from my arms and place them at her sides, letting go and putting a small step between us.

"Finn?" She questions and I can't look at her as I start to take another step away from her, "Finn!" She demands "Don't you dare walk away from me,"

"I have to," I say sincerely.

"No, you don't!" I feel her eyes staring at me but I don't meet her gaze.

"Look at what I did to you," I almost can't say the words.

"Look at what _I_ did to _you_..." Her breath shakes as she takes a step closer, reaching out and slowly running her fingers over the throbbing lump on the side of my head. I flinch away, partly from the pain, partly from her touch.

"You did that?" I ask and she nods.

"I didn't want to, I didn't know what else to do," her voice cracks and she tries to conceal the way her eyes brim with tears.

"I'm a monster..." I whisper, her lip shakes and I fear she may no longer be able to hold back her tears.

She blinks rapidly, however, one escapes and drips down her cheek as she responds, "No you're not, it wasn't you, Finn, you'd never do that," she tries to convince me. I close my eyes for a single moment and all I can see is her terror stricken expression as my hand clasped around her neck. I open my eyes and her desperate and sorrowful look isn't much easier for me to witness.

I shake my head. "I don't know what happened, Rey, but I know that I was the one who did that to you and I'm sorry. I have to go," I head back towards the stairs, but she grips onto my hand to the point of pain and turns me to face her.

She sighs, searching my face, "Please we can't do this again, I can't bear to see you walk away from me," my shoulders slump, _how is it that she is so willing to see past the fact I tried to assassinate her?_

"I can't, Rey I don't trust myself around you," I admit, and she shakes her head hastily.

"No, Finn, don't you remember anything from last night?" She cries out, disregarding the fact a few nurses turn in our direction. I nod I would never be able to forget the way her body felt against mine. That doesn't matter now. My heart aches and I convince myself this is the right thing to do. "Then why are you doing this?" She mumbles.

"Because we protect each other, and I'm the one you need protecting from." Confused and miserable, I struggle out of her grip as she sobs slightly. I don't let her respond before I start to step further away from her. I watch as she covers her face with her hands as I turn my back on her. Darkness follows me as I walk up the stairs.


	34. Chapter 34

With each step I take it becomes harder not to walk back down and apologise to her, _but what good would that do?_ It won't take back what I did. I keep walking even when I feel my heart ache, it is as if we are connected and the tether is stretching so tightly that I fear it may rip my heart out of my ribcage. I hang my head as I make my way out of the infirmary and down the corridors.

"Where is Poe Dameron?" I call into the full dining hall, silence falls and I feel all eyes turn to me. The pilots and resistance members look up from their lunches and give me strained, shocked glances, and I notice I am still only wearing my bed shorts and no shirt.  
I hear a small whir at my feet, I'd know his little sounds anywhere, I look down and BB-8 beeps at me. Although I am still unable to understand him his small head rolling to the exit is enough for me to figure out what he is saying. He leads me out as murmurs erupt behind me.  
He rolls around base, through the corridors until we exit the base and walk out onto the tarmac; he picks up speed, and Poe's acute senses tuned to acknowledge his best companion causes him to exit the cockpit of his X-wing before either of us make a sound.

"Finn…" He seems confused as he steps down the ladder in full resistance pilot gear. I walk up to him, trying my best to cover my bare upper body with my arms.

"Poe, I'm sorry," I begin but he extends his arm and grips my left shoulder - like he always does - his touch soothes me and I sigh as the guilt I knew would come sets in.

"Don't, it's okay." He gives me a look of understanding, "I think we better get you cleaned up. Isn't that right BB-8?" He looks down at his droid who beeps once affirmatively. Poe leads me back through the barracks and BB-8 scurries off to join his friends.

We approach the room I'd shared with Rey the night before. My bag remains near the door, unzipped and Poe's jacket half falling out. I halt in the open doorway staring at it, I think I remember rummaging through it to retrieve… my blaster – it lies near the restroom door. My lips part as I remember Rey standing there, my arm outstretched pointing the weapon at her. I walk into the room and head towards the bed, the bedcovers still strewn across the bed and hanging on the floor, I look at the wall near the bed and recall having Kylo Ren's throat underneath my fingers. When did I become so violent, so brutal?  
Poe comes out of the walk in robe with a change of clothes. Seeing my pale expression he asks what's wrong.

"It is coming back,"

"What happened?" He asks, leading me to sit on the end of the bed, "Rey just told me I had to find you while she got checked by the doctors," he adds.

"Kylo is what happened, I tried to kill her…" I say quietly my head in my hands "I nearly did until she knocked me out," I add, looking at him with desperation. He sucks in a sharp breath before putting his arm over my shoulder and pulling me into a hug. I twist closer to him and wrap my arm around his back, resting my head on top of her shoulder. We silently hold each other, because Poe doesn't know what to say, and I wouldn't know how to respond. Poe reluctantly lets me go after some time, leaving his hand over my shoulders.

"Why don't you go and clean up?" He says gently and I nod. He slap his hand against my shoulder in a manly way I smile a tiny smile, taking the shirt and shorts before I walk into the bathroom.

I notice the dried blood and bruising starting to form on my head from the lump Rey gave me. I glance down at my chest, and remember all the places Rey's hands had touched, the places she had held. I untie the bandage from around my wrist to see that it is swollen and slightly bruised, I massage it slightly before twisting the faucet and letting the water run warm in the shower before I step under it.  
I clean the left over dirt that Rey had not washed away with the cloth; the dry blood liquefies and drips off my skin. As the temperature rises and the steam flows around my naked body I find it even harder to breathe. I stagger for oxygen but continue to rub some lotions into my hair, my hands feel foreign running through it, nothing like the sensation that Rey's fingers create. As the water rushes over my body I think I realise something, and it makes my aching hurt flutter slightly. However, I push the feeling down and rinse away the poorly distributed products and get out of the shower. I dry myself with the towel and slip on my clothes, running the towel over my hair once more before I retie the bandage around my wrist tightly. I hang the damp towel on the rack and twist the door handle, exiting the bathroom.

I close the door and turn to see that Poe has made the bed and packed my belongings into my bag. He is quietly seated at the table near the back of the room, and I go and sit on the chair opposite him. My attention focused on the purple wildflowers. They have wilted slightly but still lie on the table top.

"Poe I need to leave," I say abruptly, cutting through the silence.

"Finn," he sighs, exasperated, "Have you spoken to Rey, do you know what happened?"

I shake my head, "No I don't need to, because all I know is I tried to suffocate her, and I can't get it out of my head," Poe closes his eyes.

"You wouldn't do that though, you wouldn't hurt her. Are you sure you aren't hallucinating, that's a pretty decent bump on your head," he tries to reason with me, but I gaze at him sternly.

"I'm not imagining it, I had my hands around her neck, right there," I point to the floor near the restroom, "she has bruises, Poe. I was going to kill her,"

"But you didn't," his gaze is intense.

"That's irrelevant. I almost did, if she hadn't of smashed my blaster into my head, I..." I trail off not wanting to finish the sentence.

"Does she know you want to leave?" He asks, looking down at his hands that fiddle with each other on the table

"It didn't exactly come up," I mutter.

"Does she want you to leave?" He looks up at me, right in the eyes but I can't hold his penetrating gaze for long.

"Well, yeah, after what I did..." I glance back up and he has one eyebrow raised and he glares at me. "Okay maybe she doesn't, but it doesn't matter what she wants," I mumble.

Poe purses his lips, huffs and tilts his head to one side, "Finn, if she still wants you around you should probably stay,"

"Whose side of you on, Poe? I thought we were friends?" I whine, and Poe stands up, moving easily in his heavy pilot uniform.

"Finn, you're the closest thing I have to family here and it's time I give you some brotherly advice-" he states firmly, and I can't help but smile, "-Pull your damn head in. It's time you realise that woman is crazy for you, and you're willing to give it up? Even though everyone knows you feel the same," My smile fades.

No one else here makes me feel the way that Rey does, and I have to push down the realisation he might be right. "You didn't see the look in her eyes, Poe. I can't bear to be near her, not knowing her terror was because of me," Poe sighs and sits back down in the chair.

"Look, if anyone should be pushing you away it should be Rey. If you really did what you say you did, then she should be the one scared, not you."

He is right, the irony is not lost on me, and every piece of my heart wants to forget it and run to her, but her expression is all I see. "I need to leave; she isn't safe around me,"

"Finn, You can't live your life with this haunting you, because it isn't going to stay here with Rey," I hate to admit that I know he is right.

"I can try. Rey can't have someone like me around her..." Poe closes his eyes and breathes out steadily for a moment.

"Okay," he finally says.

"Okay?" I repeat.

"I'll get you off the planet, because you'll kill yourself trying to find another way. Don't ever say I never tried to convince you to stay, because I think you're making a mistake." He says firmly. I feel a deep sinking feeling inside, like everything in me has decided to shut down. I nod.

"Thank you," he stands up and shakes his head, approaching my side of the table.

"No, don't say it, I'm not happy about this," he pats my shoulder, "We leave in two days, I have an expedition leaving in an hour and won't be back for a while," that must have been why he was working in his cockpit and is still wearing his orange gear.

"Okay, I'll see you then, good luck," he nods once, frowning slightly before leaving the room.

I don't know what to do, I gave this room to Rey, but she still isn't here. I pick up my bag off the bed and decide the best idea would be to get another room.


	35. Chapter 35

I slouch down the halls sluggishly and quietly, my head down. My eyes are heavy, my heart aching and with each step my body drags with exhaustion. I believe if I stop for a moment I may fall asleep. I continue on towards the infirmary, knowing they deal with any room issues, hoping it will be sorted quickly so I can receive more than a few hours sleep. The sliding door seems to take longer to open than usual and my head begins to throb. I approach the desk and ask the droid for a new room key.

"Why do you not have one?" It asks in a monotone voice.

"I wasn't given one," I am being truthful. Starla had only provided me with one key, which in turn I gave to Rey.

"Where have you been staying if you do not have a room?" It interrogates.

"I shared a room, but that is no longer an option," the droid stares blankly at me for a moment, weighing up its trust. Security command must have lowered the droid's trust function in the aftermath of Koden's betrayal.

"What is your name?"

"Finn," the droid processes this for a while, staying silent as the facial recognition files receive confirmation.

"Will you need permanent residency?"

I shake my head; "No just for a few nights," The droid seems to be suspicious of me, but maybe I just can't read anything that doesn't show facial expressions. It slowly moves to the detailed hologram files on the bench, turning them slowly and mechanically.

"Finn, we have multiple availabilities, would you like to book a room?"  
"Yes, please," I ignore the fact that the droid is aware the only reason I am standing here is to receive a room. I assume it is protocol to confirm any changes made to the system.

"Okay, here is your key, room number 9, have a nice stay," I nod a thank you, pick up my bag and take the card and put it in my shorts pocket. I know my way down the halls well enough now that I don't need to look at the numbers; I just follow the familiar corridors.

I take the key out, swipe it and enter before putting it back in my pocket. The room is the same size as my first room here, identical in every way. I place my bag on the shelf in the wardrobe which is filled with complementary clothes, as always. I collapse on the bed without even removing my boots. I enter a deep sleep almost immediately.

I wake and open my eyes, having to blink a few times to adjust to the darkness; the sun having set long ago. I groan, pulling my shirt over my head and removing my boots and socks. I drag back the large bed cover to reveal the thin sheet underneath; I crawl under it and press my face against the pillow.  
I sigh. An abysmal emptiness seems to continuously gnaw at me; I close my eyes – the image of my hands around Rey's throat flashes brightly. I decide keeping my eyes open is the best idea, so I just stare into the darkness.

My room gradually becomes lighter as the sun rises, it is barely dusk when I evict myself from my sheets. I slip my shirt back on and leave the room.  
I walk past the dining hall, the large door is not open yet; but I am not even hungry. I step quietly around the corridors, walking aimlessly, I don't even know what I was planning to do, where I was planning to go, I just couldn't lie on that mattress any longer. As my thoughts wandered I had not realised my feet had guided me outside. I see the Falcon in its usual place, and walk in the direction of it. The ramp is lowered, so I step on board and walk into the small make shift medical bay Chewie and Poe created for Rey and I. My feet lead me to where the chair is brought right up close to the bed; I run my fingers along the back of the seat and think about the way we kissed so gently, so tentatively. I close my eyes, shaking my head, trying to rid myself of the little flame that ignites at the memory. I quickly rush off the freighter, and crash through the tree line. I sprint up the hills covered in purple wildflowers until I am far away, so far that I cannot hear the constant hum of the base's generators. The grass is soft beneath my toes and I realise in that moment I hadn't put on socks or shoes before leaving my room. I continue to wander through the forest, and feel as if I can breathe a little bit better now. The sensitive and soft skin of my feet press into large stones and sharp sticks, but I don't really register the pain because I dedicate all my attention to the way the rising sun shines through the leaves and dapples the forest flower with golden freckles.  
The trees start to thin out, and I emerge into an enormous glade where a gorgeous lake shimmers in the morning light. I walk towards it, disturbing the muddy shore as I walk into the cold water. It feels lovely against my skin, so soothing and gentle.  
Just like Rey…  
To try and drown her face from my mind I drive into the deep water, completely submerging myself, clothes and all. My feet slip on the muddy lake bed momentarily before I find a secure footing and break the surface, running my hands over my face to clear the droplets from my eyes.

The water is cold, but heats up steadily as the sun rises further into the open sky. I dip my head under every time my mind wanders and it seems to help. Will my ears blocked by the surging water and my eyes closed it stops the voices and memories from taking over.  
I spread out flat on the surface of the lake, floating further out from the shore.

I stay in the water until my fingers wrinkle and my soaking shirt makes me itch. Once I wade into the shallow water I become aware of how heavy my clothes have become, and another weight presses upon me too. I wring out my shirt and shorts the best I can before I delve into the forest and try to find my way back to the base - I probably should have paid more attention on my way in. I trudge through the forest with muddy feet; a layer of grass, dirt and leaves begins to stick to them as I try to find my way out. I believe I may of passed the same place multiple times before I finally rise over the hills and onto the tarmac. I leave a trail of water and gross and murky forest floor footprints along the asphalt; trying my best to scrap it off before I enter the base.  
Droplets still drip from my clothes and onto the floor as I walk through the barracks. Thankfully no one seems to notice, that is until C3PO shuffles towards me, stopping me in the hallway.  
"There you are, sir, I have a message from General Organa. She wishes to see you in the conference room. She is waiting for you now," he twists his body, gesturing with his red arm in the direction of the military compound.

"Thank you," I dismiss the droid. As I walk down the hallways I contemplate quickly changing from my wet attire, but decide the General must have been waiting for a while and I'd prefer to arrive wet than make her wait any longer.


	36. Chapter 36

I knock on the metal door and patiently await permission to enter entry, I hear a muffled "Come in," So I obey.  
"Close the door behind you, please," The General sits at the head of the large table, her brother beside her. I gulp, staring at the stoic man, this being our first proper encounter. He has a large cut running down his cheek, and he stares at the side of my head where the large bruising bump protrudes through my skin. I glimpse out of the corner of my eye that The General gestures her hand to one side of the table, "Take a seat," She instructs; I am intimidated and feel my heart beat accelerate.

"Thank you," I politely respond in a husky tone. I sit on the opposite side to Luke, a few seats away from The General.

"Finn, I'm intrigued by you," He outstretches his hand.

"Likewise," I stand, extending the span of the table to shake it. "I've heard a lot about you," I admit, sitting back on the leather seat.

"And I you," He is quite standoffish. It is off-putting, but I suppose being alone for a few decades on a desolate island is bound to produce copious amounts antisocial tendencies.  
"Rey speaks fondly of you, and you defended her valiantly on the island," His words are kind but his expression portrays an inner brooding.

"Thank you." I flicker my eyes down.

General Organa had stayed quite during our introduction but now has her head turned towards me.  
"We have called you here to ask..." Her voice fades, she squints her eyes in an extremely curious way, "Are you… wet?" I look at my hands that are clasped together on the table.

"Yes, I apologise, I didn't have a chance to change," I say sincerely, embarrassment embedding itself under my skin. Luke and The General both glance at each other for a moment, as if knowing exactly what the other is thinking, but I don't quite understand.

"Did you bathe with your clothes on?" I think I hear a hint of humour in her voice.

"None ma'am, I found a lake-" I rub the back of my neck, not being able to finish my incomplete thought, "Then I informed by C3P0..." I trail off, the rest being self-explanatory.

"You went in the lake with all your clothes on." She states, not really asking so I nod affirmatively. The General sighs, and I'm not quite sure why.

"Okay, anyway, we were wondering if we could talk to you about what happened yesterday morning?" The emptiness inside me intensifies, and the numbness deepens. I rest my head in my hands. I can hear General Organa's seat roll on the concrete before she paces around the table and sits beside me; briefly placing her hand gently on my shoulder. "What happened, Finn?" There is something in her voice that indicates that she is already aware of what has occurred between Rey and I – yet she seems eager to hear it from me also. I contemplated not telling them because I do not want to witness their disappointment towards me grow; and I also do not want to discuss it.

"I'm sorry, I have already organised transport and-" she cuts me off.

"I know, Finn, We'll get to that later, first we'd like to know what happened, from your perspective," my eyebrows quiver slightly and I feel an unexpected nausea swell inside me.

"Truthfully, I do not know," I admit, "I know Kylo Ren was there," my voice lowers as I say his name before continuing, "And I did some things that are unforgivable..." I try to keep my eyes open, and focus on the General; knowing if I was to close them or blink even more a moment I'd see her face again.

"It is just the three of us in this room, Finn, you can tell us anything," I flicker my eyes between my two superiors, the very ones I heard so many stories about. I take a breath, and tell them what I remember, which is fragmented and hard to follow. Occasionally I have to reiterate that I don't know how much of what I can recall is even real.

"Okay," Is General Organa's only response.  
I glance over to Luke who has a faraway look in his eyes and I wonder if he had listened to anything that I had said.

"Why did you let Kylo Ren in?" Luke asks coldly, and my brow creases in confusion. _Why did I let him in the room?_ I specifically remember not giving him permission to enter.

"Luke." The General's tone is firm. I feel like a child. General Organa speaks before I have a chance to contemplate his question.

"Why do you want to leave? Dameron asked if he could escort you off the planet," I avert my gaze from her, and look down upon the table.

"I cannot stay, not after what I did to Rey,"

I fade in and out of reality my mind wandering to what happened in the room often blocking most of The General's explanation. "He manipulated you," She says kindly. I watch as she turns her attention to Luke, even though she still addresses me, "He used the Force to control you…" The General says with an intense, scolding gaze. She glances back to me and looks at me with sad eyes, "What he made you do was not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty," I nod, even though I had not absorbed all of what she had said. I slip deeper into my own mind. Luke's question gnaws at me, I know how easy it is for a Jedi to manipulate a Stormtrooper; a discreet wave of the hand has one of them following any order. But I did not think I was that weak minded.

"How did he do it?" I mumble, turning my full attention to Luke, "How is it that he was able to get inside my head?" I demand, he stares back at me with an emotionless expression.

"He is powerful, Finn, anyone could fall victim to him," The response comes from beside me. I am unsure if The General is being genuine or if she pities me. Either way it does not make me feel reassured, more so flustered.

That feeling grows with Luke's response, "Leia." he uses the same scolding tone that his sister had used previously, "He deserves to know the truth, don't treat him like a child." Silence encompasses us and I feel myself longing to know what he is referring to.

"What aren't you telling me?" I ask when I can no longer take the silence. I glance briefly towards General Organa before staring at Luke directly in the eyes.

"Leia might have been right when she said Kylo Ren is manipulative, because he knows exactly how to get his way…" His response lacks substance and I blink slowly, my forehead aching from my tightly furrowed brow.

"I don't understand," I admit, searching his stoic face for clues, but he gives none away, stating silent.

"Kylo Ren never wanted you to kill Rey," I immediately turn my gaze towards The General.  
That cannot be true, it doesn't add up. Nevertheless, I do not get the chance to ask what she means. Nor am I able to find out how Kylo got out of his prison, or ask what has happened to him now because we are interrupted by a knock on the metal door.

A young man is revealed once he is granted permission to enter, "Sorry to intrude, General," he says humbly. Wearing the officers' uniform he is pardoned and asked to state his business.  
"General, your assistance is required immediately. There has been a pressing issue that needs your attention," He bows his head slightly towards her before leaving the room.

I focus my attention on The General, as she rises from the table. As if forgetting what we were talking about she holds my gaze and says: "You will always have a place with the resistance, Finn. You'll find it one day." I continue to look up without a word, remaining quietly seated. as she leaves the conference room. I am unsure if she is refusing to let me leave, or if she is foretelling that I will return.  
However, I do not dwell on her parting words; my mind revolves only around what she disclosed.  
I turn back to Luke, but somehow he has already disappeared down the hallway.


	37. Chapter 37

I uncomfortably stand up from the seat, my shorts sticking to my slimy, damp skin; I notice an embarrassing wet stain in the shape of my thighs on the chair. I rub my hand over the leather and try to smudge the dampness away.

I awkwardly exit the room trying my best to causally walk through the military compound and return back to my living quarters. A lonely darkness seems to drag me into a profound misery. I visit the dining hall and collect a lunch pack before quickly leaving again. I still do not feel hungry my entire body seems to be empty, but I take it just in case.

I swipe my key card and it takes a few attempts before it registers; I suppose it wasn't the most intelligent idea to swim with it in my pocket. Putting my lunch and key on the shelf near the door, I retrieving some clean clothes from the wardrobe, remove the bandage from my wrist and enter the shower. I scrub my feet and watch as the dirt turn to mud and washes down the drain. As the water patters down upon my back there is a strange tingling sensation. I try to ignore the way my scar seems to throb and I realise it has been a while since I had done any exercises and the events of the past few days has aggravated my injured skin.  
I turn off the faucets, dry myself, leaving my shirt off, but putting some short on before I exit the bathroom. I have some of my lunch before I undergo the all too familiar exercises, stretching my back to encourage an ease of movement. Eventually the tightening of my extensive burn loosens.  
I work up a sweat and an appetite, so I devour the rest of my lunch and delve back into my workout regime. I focus intently on the sensations of my muscles moving beneath my skin and on counting each time I successfully complete a stretch to stop my mind from wandering.

The evening unfolds uneventfully. I stop exercising once the sun dipped behind the horizon, and I throw my shirt over my sweaty body before I go back to the dining room and quickly eat my meal alone at Poe's table.

I lie under the single sheet in my room and find myself not being haunted by Rey, but rather by the images of Kylo Ren, and the destruction he leaves in his wake.  
Soon I begin to have recollections rise from the murkiest corners of my mind; events I had actively chosen to block from my memory, bubble and simmer behind my eyes. The numerous training simulations to prepare me for the battlefield, made to follow one order: murder anyone in the way, and to successfully complete any given mission. I clearly remember one simulation: a holographic raid in one of the small districts on Coruscant. Ordered to kill without discrimination, whoever is in sight and anyone in the way. "Accuracy is paramount" The captain had told me. Mid simulation I found myself occasionally slipping blaster to the side when faced with the prospect of assassinating an innocent citizen. Or my insuring my focus had averted away from a huddled family hiding behind a dumpster, one of their children wailing in distress. I flinch as I remember one of my squad members behind me silencing the cries.

I become exhausted from reliving the horrors of the First Order and start to dip in and out of a restless slumber.

Waking the next morning, my back aching and a loneliness settling deeper in; I desire company, someone to take my mind off Rey - whose face has managed to sneak up on me again - and there is only one other person here that could help.

I wander down the hallways and enter the infirmary, the night staff finishing their shift. I head to the common room, looking in the large windows and see her sitting quietly at a table; a few other doctors and nurses are in there too. I knock on the door, a small droid opens it and wizzes past in a rush.

"Finn?" I hear her chirpy tone and it brings me some peace, but then her face falls and she leaves her table to approach me. "Every time we see each other something else has happened to you. What was it this time?" she queries with gentle mockery and suspicion. I sigh, looking away from her as she turns my face to the side so she can examine the large bruised lump on the side of my head.

"It's a long story," with a forced smile I quickly change the subject, "Anyway; I thought we could have breakfast, for old times' sake?" I propose and she nods.

"You're in lucky, I haven't eaten yet," She smiles, "There is juice in the cooler and I will make some porridge," I nod, I do not have a very strong appetite but I decide I will force myself to enjoy it. She walks over to the small kitchen at the back room and I go to the cooler. I remember all the time we had eaten the bland slop injected with nutrients together in my room while I recovered. Starla would fill me in what the nurses were gossiping about, however, she always seemed to distance herself from it. I always enjoyed when she'd share tales of some of her amazing patient recoveries. Most were about pilots on the verge of death after contracting rashes and diseases upon returning from missions abroad.  
I pour out two glasses of juice and sit at the table Starla was sitting at when I arrived. The room has almost emptied by the time she returns a few minutes later. She carries two bowls and sets one in front of me and the other in front of her seat. Then she takes out a small metal container from under her arm.

"Here, so you didn't have to wait what you thought would be an appropriate amount of time that I would not think you just came to ask for it." My mouth parts slightly as I twist the lid to reveal the ointment inside.  
"Thank you, but I didn't just-" She raises her hand and flicks her wrist as if ridding herself of my comment

"Don't stress it," She sits down, and I smile a tiny bit.

I scope up the porridge into my mouth, repeating the motion and talking to Starla in-between spoonsful. I ask about what has been going on in the clinic after we stopped sharing breakfast, and she fills me in happily rambling for a while.

Then silence falls and I take a long sip of the juice.  
"Finn, you know if something is on your mind you can talk to me about it," I half smile and nod, swallowing quickly so I can reply.

"I know, thanks, but-"  
I am unable to miss when she is near, because she glows so brightly. It is as if she has the light of the stars under her feet. Rey walks slowly past the common room with her head down. It is almost as if the traces of her heart that seem to live inside mine pump me back to life, warmth spreading to through my cold body. My eyes follow her every step, I twist in my chair to keep her in my line of sight as long as possible as she walks further down the hall. However, she does not seem notice me. The feeling leaves almost as soon as it arrived. As I watch her disappear down the hallway she takes the warmth and light with her, and my heart aches. I stare at the stone wall as if it will become transparent and I will be able to see her again, but it does not.

"Trouble in paradise, again?" Starla's voice pulls me from my distraction and she places her half empty glass back on the table.

"Sorry?" I request for her to repeat herself.

"Rey and yourself, I suppose it was a bad idea for you to share a room?" I give her a questioning look as I swallow some porridge. "Word travels fast around here. Why else do you think I gave you one key?" I make a strange noise between a shocked gasp, a muffled laugh and a sigh.

"Yeah, let's just say something happened and I am unable to stay," Starla closes her eyes briefly, putting her spoon back into the bowl before taking a mouthful.

"You're leaving, again? Finn…" Starla seems disappointed, and I wonder why. I look into my glass as I gulp down the rest of my drink, averting my gaze from her as I place it back on the table.

"I can't stay," I whisper and she sighs in oddly understanding manner.

"You're welcome to call in for breakfast any time you like," She assures me, finishing her juice, I smile slightly, "Even if it's the evening," She adds quietly, and I snort out a laugh as I finish the last of my porridge.

"Thank you," She just smiles before also finishing the last of her breakfast.  
"You're not one to accept appreciation, are you?" I question with playfully caution, hoping not to offend her in any way.  
Starla picks up my bowl and empty glass that I have been absentmindedly spinning on the table and places them in the sink before returning and standing behind her chair, pushing it under the table as she answers.

"I am aware when someone is genuinely grateful, if they say a thank you or not," her response is ambiguous and I don't understand exactly what she means by it. "I'll see you another time, I'm sure," She smiles a little, "I've got my patients to attend to. Have a nice day, Finn," Starla smiles a little wider, and leaves me in the room. I am aware that is the closest I will receive to a farewell, and suddenly it falls in place. Starla despises saying goodbye, she told me so the first time I left, and to accept an apology, both have such finality to them. As if it is the end of something. Being a nurse she must see death and terminally ill patients regularly, to accept gratitude for her work or to say a farewell means something has ended, that it can now be forgotten. However, if Starla doesn't acknowledge either they will continue to exist. I sigh heavily, take my ointment and return to my room to await Poe's return.


	38. Chapter 38

I shower; again. Even though I know I don't need another one, it just gives me something to do to fill the time. Once I dry off and put on some underwear I do some stretches and exercises in the warm bathroom, then put on some pants. I open the metal container and delve my fingers into the gooey, clear ointment. I smear it on my shoulder, and then awkwardly twist in strange directions in an attempt to rub it into my back.

I grab my shirt and leave the bathroom to sit on the edge of my bed, chucking the shirt down beside me as I let the ointment absorb into my skin.  
I look down at my shoulder and stare at the shining skin, pink and deep red where Kylo's saber had burnt into my muscles, white lines and blackened patches all around. I run my fingers over it, it is smooth with the ointment, and the skin is a lot more tender in compassion to the rest of my chest. My shoulder abruptly spasms as my subconscious reminds me of the when Rey pressed her lips so gently against my scar, that night in her room when we stayed together for the first time.  
There is a knock at my door. My heart flutters as my first thought is it might be Rey. Who has come to ask me to stay, to be with her, and then my heart sinks, because I don't know how I would tell her I can't. I grab my shirt slipping it on and opening the large metal door, Poe stands there parts of his uniform have melted and have burn marks in them, his hair is matted and I don't know if the dark circles under his eyes are from a lack of sleep or if they are bruises.

"Poe, are you alright?" I pull my lips together in a concerned way.

"Yeah, it was just a rough mission. Mind if I steal some clothes and have a shower?" shake my head quickly and shrug.

"Go for it," I won't need the clothes anyway I have enough packed in my rucksack from my old room.  
I sit back on my bed, spreading out flat on the mattress, hoping to stretch my scar to loosen it. I close my eyes, smiling to myself as I listen to Poe's smooth voice sing a beautiful tune, the lyrics are muffled or meld in with the drone of the water gushing from the nozzle. Even after he finishes and turns the shower off he continues to hum the melody, his voice echoing off the tilted walls and floor. I still have a large smile on my lips when he falls silent and opens the door.  
He doesn't seem fazed that he knows I heard him, and I wonder how he found his self-confidence.  
He grunts as he collapses on the bed, his head falling onto the pillow beside mine. He sighs heavily, and rolls his head to face me, and I do the same.

"What did you do on the mission? You look exhausted," I snuggle my face into the pillow.

"I was on a peace mission…" He pauses for a moment, and I think I see the way his mind thinks about what he is going to say next. "To strengthen trade negotiations with a planet in the outer rim. They weren't too happy to see me, and I had some run ins with a group of thugs, some of them dismantled an acid geyser. I've looked a lot worse after some missions, don't you worry about that," He laughs, referring to what happened on Starkiller Base I assume.

"Did it all work out?" I ask curiously.

"Yep, there is nothing to worry about anymore. So, are you still planning on leaving?" I nod once.

"If you are able to," Poe snorts, shaking his head in a disappointed, _'have you even met me'_ type of way; I suppress a grin.

"Well the planet I'll take you to is safe and you'll be able to trade work for accommodation in the cities hotels."

"Really, won't they lose their profits?" I ask disbelievingly.

"Not with how popular they are, they could use another set of hands, I'm sure they'll need you," He states, continuing before I can respond, "Come on, we better go." He is already off the bed.  
I pick up my bag and we leave the room.

The tarmac is warm under the heat of the afternoon sun, and Poe leads me to a small ship that has been collecting dusk in one of the hangars.

"There is something I need to do, it won't take long…" I look at him for permission and he smiles.  
I quickly rush out of the hangar and along the tarmac. I reach the Falcon, dunk under it and snatch the most vibrant wildflower I can find. I do not find the time to admire it in its entirety before I unzip my bag and carefully lay it on top.

BB-8 beeps in surprise when I hurry back in and stand in front of Poe who now wears an old, but intact uniform from inside the hangar's storage cabinet. "Say goodbye?" He questions, smiling.  
I lean back slightly, and my expression makes Poe's smile fade, "You didn't go and see Rey, did you?" He asks quietly. A lump in my throat forms which I try to swallow away as I shake my head. "Oh, Finn…" He sighs in exasperation; grasping the top of his nose he pinches his eyes shut, as if he is trying to press away a headache. He then spreads his hand to cover his eyes before moving it down his face, heavily tugging at his skin. I stay silent, biting my lip slightly.  
The tense silence is broken by a loud rumble and a sizzling sound, BB-8 beeps apologetically, and runs the engines a few more times, adjusting some power connections.  
"We can leave, are you sure?" He asks, he is not trying to talk me out of it, more so just making sure this is what I want. I push away the nagging voice in my head which shouts that I am running away again, and that is specifically what I said I would no longer do. It doesn't matter now, that was before…

"I'm sure."

Poe pilots us into Lightspeed and we stay quiet for most of the trip. I focus on attempting to breathe over my heartache. The string that seems to bind my heart to Rey tugs on every fibre of my being, but I don't fully realise that is the reason why I feel as though I may pass out.

We land on the airfield in a distant planet after an hour or so, large buildings stretch as far as the eye can see, some taller than others. I almost believe that the city never ends because it extends so far into the horizon.  
"You just have to take the elevator down to the ground, and ask around for directions to the Hotel Complex,"

"Alright," I don't meet his eye, "I guess this is goodbye…" I offer and BB-8 drones sadly, Poe shrugs.

"We'll see each other again, Finn, you can always come back to the resistance," Everyone says that, _so why is it I never felt like a belonged there?_ I smile, knowing I don't want to return, I still don't know where I belong.

"Thank you, for everything you've done for me," I really will miss him, he is the closest person thing I have to family.

"You're welcome, buddy, I'll see you around," he lightly punches my upper arm. I grab hold of my bag, securing my foot in the step I heave myself out of the cockpit, then I poke my head around to see BB-8 sitting at the rear of the ship.

"Look after Rey for me," I say quietly.  
He beeps sadly. I have grown fond of the cute little droid, but I won't miss his mischievous antics.  
As I jump from the edge of the ship I contemplate what would have happened if BB-8 hadn't taken those flowers to Rey. _Would she still be alive?_ General Organa's words ring in my ears… Or w _ould Kylo Ren have come looking for me?_

I wave to Poe, and he gives me a firm salute before lowering the glass covering of the cockpit and hovering in ship in mid-air. I hear the hum of the engines build in intensity and turn my back as the two companions fly back to D'Qar.


	39. Chapter 39

I follow Poe's instructions and find myself in the streets of the foreign city, the buildings are even larger from ground level. I walk down a small alley and stop at an information board. I key in 'Hotel Complex', and it directs me to the a few blocks down. The walk should take an hour or so on foot, so I readjust my rucksack in preparation for the trek ahead. That is when my head slowly looks down and I huff, biting the inside of my lip. I open the small potch on the side and unzip the pocket to reveal another tracker. I twist it around in my fingers, letting it fall into the palm of my hands. "Sorry, Poe," I mumble before I drop it into the dumpster droid at the end of the alleyway.

I emerge from the between the buildings and into the evening rush. It is cold here, considerably colder than the hot weather at the base. Tall towers rise high into the sky, sometimes high enough that they block the two blue suns that light this solar system. The air is chilly, but it isn't the atmosphere that makes me shiver; my heart seems to pump ice through my veins.  
The emptiness I feel inside intensifies as I become just another face in the crowd, anonymous in this large city. This is what I deserve, loneliness and no one caring if they knock into me or if I bump into them.

I push open the heavy hotel door, my bag becomes slightly crushed as I use it to support the thick glass while I awkwardly squeeze in.  
I approach the desk at the side of the room; the man behind it has a name tag that reads, _Fletcher.  
_ I begin to enquire if they have any vacancies, when he interrupts. Not looking up to me he responds, "Okay, I'll see to it," his tone is rushed, I open my mouth about to ask for more detail when he continues, "If you're scared, wait and I'll do it when I go on break," he adds. I am flabbergasted until he moves his long dark hair to reveal an in ear piece with a miniscule microphone, communicating with someone on the other line. I lean back slightly and wait for him to finish his conversation.  
"What can I do for you?" He asks quickly, looking through some folders and it takes me a moment to realise he is now addressing me.

I explain how I know about their deal and ask if they require any staff because I am in need of employment.  
"Sure, the staff quarters are underground. We have a vacancy in the kitchen, or doing housecleaning," without hesitation I ask for the room cleaning availability, my clumsiness will surely cause some issues is a dangerous situation like a kitchen. He continues to explain what I need to do, and gives me a room and a passcode.  
"Each week a staff member is rotated and is required to deliver the evening meals, around the lower quarters. It's my week, so I will take you on a tour tonight. Go get settled in and I'll come and get you in a few hours." I am so surprised by his kindness, but he seems to be very agitated. I rush out multiple 'thank yous' before walking over to the elevator and selecting the lower ground option.

I walk down the maze of corridors, searching for my designated room. The floors are concreted, each room has vents above the door with fans rotating inside and it makes the entire compound freezing. I am about to unzip my bag to retrieve my jacket until I see room G4 and enter the code 343, the door unlocks and I walk in. There is a thermostat to adjust the heating and cooling on the wall by the door, however, it has already been adjusted to be warmer than outside in the hallway. Regardless of that I feel cold. I unzip my bag to retrieve my jacket and see the single purple wildflower on top, almost forgetting I put it in. I can no longer support my weight and sink onto the edge of the small bed, a lot smaller than the beds at the base. My head rests on one of my palms as my other hand turns the flower around. After a while of staring at it I go into the bathroom and fill a small glass with water, using it as a vase I put it on the vanity.

After a few hours the second sun has almost set and there is a knock on the door, I stand up from my place on the floor where I was completely some exercises, and open it. Fletcher smiles briefly, a large trolley with trays of food in front of him.  
"Sorry, I never caught your name,"

"My name is Finn. Should I fill out some forms or something?" I ask. I feel as if I am breaking some type of law by staying here, he nods.

"We'll do all the boring administration later. First, I'll show you around, fill you in about the rules and regulations and you can make a decision," I smile and nod in response.

"That sounds great," I know I will take the job regardless, but I am glad that I have the option to turn it down.

"Come on, we must hurry," He speaks fast but he walkers faster, I occasionally have to skip forward to catch him as he hurries down the halls. As we pass out the evening meals, and he introduces me to some of the staff, informing me about a little bit of their character before we continue along to the next room. Some of them don't speak my language, but Fletcher seems well equipped to communicate with everyone. Yet he always seems to rush out his words, and it makes me exhausted. I stay quiet, smiling slightly. Some of the creatures I am introduced to I have never seen before. We take the trolley back to the kitchens and Fletcher gives me a brief tour before taking me to the front desk. He ducks behind it and retrieves a large hard cover book and some thin handwritten files, very old fashioned, I think to myself.

Fletcher and I arrive back into my room and I decline my meal; still lacking an appetite. We sit down at the desk; he takes out the volume, turning to one of the first pages. I have a feeling he has all the relevant details memorised, but don't question when he flicks to a quarter of the way through, his eyes skimming over the words.  
"One must have the hotel uniform. It is compulsory and must be presentable to wear when you are on any of the hotel's upper floors. One will go to the tailor and be fitted with a temporary uniform – while waiting for one to be custom-made – before any work can be undertaken." He piles the information up me, his words overlap in my mind and I have to make myself concentrate to understand what it is he is saying. He flicks a few pages over, and continues reading, without looking at me. "All housekeeping staff must be in their quarters by 7:45pm, unless they can provide a valid excuse, unnecessary wandering is frowned upon." He skims quickly across to the other page, "Staff will be provided with their meals, breakfast at 8 am – early shifts allow for earlier meal times, lunch is when a break time has allocated, and dinner is at 8 in the evening. Meals should be consumed in ones quarters or in the cafeteria, visitors should not witness staff eating." I nod even though he does not acknowledge me. "One has a single week to decline this position, but must notify staff and supply us with reasonable excuse. Theft or other illegal undertakings will not be tolerated, and notification of this results in immediate termination of employment. Our staff members are caring and understanding, however, clumsiness is not acceptable." I nod along as he continues to list out all the rules health and safety regulations.

He finally looks back up at me "I'll see you tomorrow when I deliver you meals," He says I smile wondering what the food will be like here. m sure I'll see you around, but I'll come back in a weeks' time for you to sign the necessary papers if you agree," I smile.

"Okay great, thank you,"

"You're very mysterious," He says quickly as he stands up from the desk, I do the same and follow him to the door. He opens it and I feel myself let out a muffled sigh, being in his flustered presence is very tiring. "I look forward to get to know you," He lets himself out of the room; and my shoulders slump at his comment. I don't want to get to know anyone; I'd prefer to keep my anonymity, until I can find out who I want to be.


	40. Chapter 40

I lay awake on top of my sheets, not able to sleep, trying to remember all the information Fletcher had dumped onto me, but not focusing on any of it, because my mind keeps wondering to Rey. The aching in me intensifies when the image of her dances in my mind, and I convince myself that I am in so much pain because I can't believe the way I violated her, but I have an unwelcome sense that it is more than that.  
There are moments during the night as I stare at the dark ceiling that I almost believe she is here with me; my skin tingles, the way it only does with her.  
I arrive upon the verge of sleep, yet I'm still partly awake and the feeling becomes so strong that I jolt up. I almost feel her on top of me her body ghosting mine I have to lean over and turn on the bedside lamp. I sigh – I don't know if it one of relief or one of disappointment – when I see that I am alone. I start to have a gnawing feeling inside, like I am pushing something down again, but I am unable to contemplate it before I slip into a strange slumber.

I wake up multiples times during the evening and when morning arrives I feel more exhausted than I previously was.  
I drag myself out of bed and clean myself up. I hear a quick knock on the wooden door, I pull it open, Fletcher stands with his trolley in front of him.  
"Good morning, here is your breakfast," he passes me a tray with an assortment of fruits and some toasted bread.

"Thank you," I take the unexpectedly heavy tray from his grasp.

"I will see you again tonight, what time should you be in your room tonight?" He asks looking around, he is always in a rush, yet seems to have the time to quiz my knowledge from last night. He rearranges the trays so they have precise spaces between them,

"Around 7:30?" My voice raising as I am unsure if I am completely correct.

Fletcher nods in quick succession and shrugs, "Close: 7:45, I will see you tonight," He calls, bowing his head slightly before scurrying to the next rooms and offering them their trays.

I recognise some of the fruit, and eat most of it, saving a few round fruit for snacks, knowing they keep for a long time.  
I finish my meal before I go in search for the tailor Fletcher had told me about the night before.

I walk down the maze of halls and pass one alien; I stop him awkwardly and ask for directions, he seems to understand me however doesn't verbally communicate in return. Instead, he points one of his seven fingers down the corridor then points up, he gestures the number two then turns and sluggishly slides in the opposite direction from me.  
I follow his directions and reach an elevator. I assume the alien meant for me to go up. I ascend past the ground level and the doors click open with a ding as I reach the first floor. There are multiple offices and administration rooms; I hear buzzing of communicators and voices of different conversations merging into one. I let out a heavy sigh, _I need to try and make myself belong here._  
I find myself longing for the beach I had first escaped to, and the job in the grocery store, with the kind man who did not have many strict rules.

I eventually find the room I need, I knock and my heart sinks at the sight of the droid that is revealed. It is an old model First Order Livoid; they measured the Stormtroopers for their uniform. It is not affected by me and gestures with its extremely small digits to the back room concealed by a curtain, where I am then directed to stand on a small stool and remove everything but my undergarments. I feel exposed; my scar on display but the tailor's droid does not care for it and orders me to raise my arms.  
I shut my eyes as it extends a numbered tape from my shoulder to my wrist; recording the appropriate number. The droid continues to take the measurements, wrapping the tape around the circumference of my bicep, then my wrist. I squeeze my closed eyes tightly and direct my focus onto my breathing. The familiar mechanical beeps shake haunting memories from inside. The harsh pinches of the droids robotic fingers which snip my bare skin and the affirmative ding when a measurement is recoded reminds me of the numerous times I was fitted with a new uniform as I grew older in the First Order. The uncomfortable feeling of the droid measuring my upper thighs makes me squirm slightly, and I wonder how it would feel if it was Rey's warm, small hands instead. I instinctively relax at the thought. Once the droid has completed taking my sizes it shuffles to the back of the room and is replaced a short time later with an old lady carrying a uniform, it is a dark red colour with blue detailing around the collar and sleeves. The lady's skin sags and her eyes are dull, yet age has not shrunk her because she would stand to my exact height if I was not on the stool. I introduce myself and receive no response; I am unsure if she is mute or if she does not like to speak because she remains silent the entire time I am in her presence. I look at her hands as she begins to dress me, her fingers have toughened callouses upon callouses, I bet a needle would bend in contact with her skin rather than prick her, I don't know why I am so fascinated but I can't look away from her hands. Often I have to turn and tilt my head to watch her work on me. Her knuckles protrude further than they should and her nails are long and coated in a red polish to match the uniform.  
She taps my shoulder before leaving me alone to look in the mirror. The uniform is tight and I fear if I was to quickly bend the seams would tear, so I remain still and wait for her to return.  
When she lady returns she passes me a piece of orange paper with a time and date and I assume that is when I will return to pick up my hand sewn uniform. She taps my shoulder once again in farewell before turning from me; I thank her and step down from the stool and leave the room.

I go to the front desk and ask the robot if there is a job for me to complete.

"Are you a trainee, sir?" It asks and I nod.

"Rooms 30-50 on level 23 are unoccupied and require room servicing, N31M could use assistance."

"Thank you," I remember the tour Fletcher had taken me on last night and take a cleaning trolley from inside the storage chamber rolling it to the elevator and ascending.

I see the droid exiting room 35. I introduce myself and he leads me into the next room telling me to clean the windows; pointing to the right chemicals and products I need and what order to use them in.  
That is my task for each room. It does not take long for the droid to complete his jobs so quickly that it proceeds to the next room ahead of me, leaving me alone. I thoroughly wash each window occasionally admiring the city view which changes slightly from room to room as I rotate around the building. Sometimes I remove stains from the carpet and clean the mirrors in the bathrooms if they need it.

I return to my room by the time the first sun had set. I wash my hands under the faucet in the bathroom, ridding my skin of the chemicals before I take one of the fruits I had spared earlier and devour it. The clock reads 7:55, Fletcher should be arriving soon.  
I carefully remove my heavy temporary uniform. I lay the clothes out flat with precision, not wanting to crease them. I place them next to my bag on the table, I'll have to unpack that and put my clothes the small chest of drawers at the back of the room. That will be a job for another time I think to myself.

I grab out some pants, the room a quite chilly; the evening draft from the freezing corridor is drifting into the room. I dig around for a shirt and decide I will wait under the covers of the bed to keep warm when there is a loud knock at my door – it makes me jump slightly – I drop the shirt from my grasp. I glance at the time; Fletcher is running late, it is a few minutes past 8. I am sure he will be very uptight and even more flustered than normal. I dread opening it, I tug my shirt over my head as I open the door, I pull the fabric down and take a small step back, my brow creases in confusion and a disbelieving gasp escapes my parted lips as I see Rey standing in front of me, supporting herself with her staff.


	41. Chapter 41

Rey's hair is secured off her face, a single ribbon tied at the top of her head, her hair falling down and slightly over one shoulder. My lip shakes at the sight of her exhausted and distraught expression: her green eyes are bloodshot and puffy, dark circles ringing them; they're glossy and they shine in the evening light. Her cheeks are stained with tears. She doesn't say hello, but I suppose greetings aren't in order because we never shared a said farewell.  
"You!" She bellows and I recoil as if she struck my cheek with her hand, "I thought you were dead!" She shouts, throwing the tracker at my chest. She leans on her staff as if it is keeping her upright.

"I-" she shakes her head, her jaw clenched and her nostrils flare.  
"I'm not done," she states furiously. "I am so mad at you, how dare you leave?" I open my mouth, "Don't answer that, you idiot. That hadn't moved for what, 36 hours?" she spits rhetorically and gestures to the black object, it's blinking red light bright in contrast to the pale carpet. "What was I supposed to think?" I close my eyes to heavily breathe out and when I open them I see the tears slip down her cheeks.

"I didn't want to be found. Rey, please don't cry…"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Her sarcasm is loud and clear in her quietly mumbled response. She sniffs and wipes the tears away; I'm surprised by the part of me that wished I'd done it for her.  
My eyes trail from hers and down to her neck; deep purple and yellow bruises in the shape of fingers – my fingers - are deeply imprinted into her skin, they are much worse than when I saw her a few days ago. My hands start to shake and I take another step back, fearing what I am capable of.

"Are you going to let me in, or let me freeze?" She huffs and I become aware of the way she trembles, and notice the way her hands run up her arms trying to warm her bare skin, her shirt and vest not enough protection from the cold. I can't seem to form words, but my feet have already stepped aside to let her in before I can stop myself.

I watch her shoulders relax as the slightly warm room brings her some comfort. I'm in a strange state of shock and don't realise that I turn up the heating on the thermostat and am now rummaging through my bag to retrieve my jacket. When I turn around she is no longer in the room, her staff is on the ground near the bathroom; before I can call out her name I hear the faucet turn on and the patter of water hitting the basin. I stand in the centre of the room and wait for her to return.  
"Why do you have this?" Her voice echoes before I see her emerge through the door. She holds out the purple wildflower, the stem dripping a few droplets of water onto the floor.

"Something beautiful to remember you by," I repeat what I told her the other night without realising and she seems sadly satisfied with my answer. She quickly puts the flower back and as she returns, she approaches me and I hold the jacket out between us, her hand grasps onto it. Her lip quivers as she looks at me, I watch the way her anger melts out of her and her expression morphs into one of tender surprise at my offer. I let go of the heavy fabric and put a large space between us, standing closer to the door. She slips her arms through the large sleeves and tugs it on; it hangs off her small frame, and comes down to the tops of her thighs. She sighs into it, and I watch her grab the collar and tug it up so it covers her nose, her eyes flutter and she snuggles into it.

"Why are you here?" I ask her, not knowing what to do with myself. Do I go and lay on the bed? Should I sit on the floor, maybe lean on the wall? There are too many options.

Rey's sigh is muffled under the fabric she presses against her face; however, it is so loud I think it echoes. She lets the fabric fall back around her body, revealing her bruises again, "I came to find you," she states evenly.

"Why did you do that, you know I can't be around you,"

"Kylo isn't here, Finn, you're safe," she sounds so sure of herself, she almost convinces me.

"Where is he?" I finally ask.

"Poe took him to Mustafar, so he won't be causing us any trouble," My mouth parts.

"He what?" I am in disbelief. _Poe lied to me?_

"Didn't he tell you?" She slips her hands into the pockets of my jacket.

"I don't know anything that has been happening,"

"I would have explained it to you if you hadn't run away," She huffs, "like you always do," she mumbles as she walks over to the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress.  
My back aches from standing and bending to wash all the windows so I walk over to the door and lean on the wall. I don't know how to respond to her, I just look down to on the floor.

"Why did you leave?" She mumbles, I close my eyes for a moment.

"I already explained it to you; you need to stay away from me…" My heart aches as I say the words to her, I don't want to, but she isn't safe around me.  
She huffs.

"Finn, stop this," I hear the way her voice cracks, "The way you're acting hurts more than…" she trails off and I furrow my brow, my fingers twitching from the unpleasant memory.

"I don't want to hurt you," I mumble.

"I know you don't, you need to stop pushing me away so I can explain what happened." She is flustered. Impatiently letting her leg jig up and down; her heel tapping on the hard floor. I think she may snap at any moment.

"Okay," I sigh and slide down the wall, the entire span of the room between us.

"What do you remember?" She questions, her tone gentle and I sigh.

"I remember us…" My voice fades and I feel my cheeks heat with embarrassment. I look up to her and she stares back, willing me to elaborate, "In bed together," it almost doesn't seem enough for her. I focus and pick at the carpet that frays slightly where it meets the wall I lean against. My embarrassment passes and I fill with a heat only she can emit from me. "I remember the way your lips felt against mine and the way you looked like an angel when you were above me," She sighs with what I assume to be relief. I look up at her up at her and she is as close to the edge of the bed that she can manage before she would fall off.

"What else?" She clears her throat.

"We woke up and Kylo Ren came into the room – how did he get out?" My curiosity causes me to ask.

"General Organa went in to see him," She pauses, and I remain expressionless "In the room with him," My mouth forms a little 'o' and I assume that was the reaction she was waiting for. "However, she didn't close the doors properly or turn on the alarms, at least she wasn't in the right state of mind to do so," I nod, disappointed in the General for not being more thorough and making sure everything was secure.

"Why did he come to the room we were in?" I ask.

"We'll get to that, now keep telling me what you recall," she demands kindly, and I nod.

"The next thing I remember is that I had my hands around his throat-"

"Do you know why?" she questions.

"No…" I honestly have no idea.

"Because you thought you were protecting me," She mumbles quietly, yet I am still unable to recall what happened. She must notice the way I crease my brow in concentration because she continues, "You thought he was going to," She pauses, Searching for the appropriate words, and I feel my stomach churn in distress. "Have his way with me-" Instantaneously my eyes stare directly into hers.

"He what?" I shout, cutting her off with such intensity that I think I see her flinch with surprise.

"Finn, you don't understand, you have to let me finish before you interrupt like that," her response is quiet and I almost don't hear her over the roar of blood that has rushed to my head. I look back down, biting onto my lip and trying to control my erratic breathing. "He wasn't going to do anything to me,"

"How do you know that?" I interrupt again and she lets out an exasperated sigh, "Sorry," I mutter and she continues.

"Kylo knew you would react the way you did. Valiantly risk your life to stop him from touching me." I stay silent, focusing on my hands in my lap. I am unsure if I believe what I am hearing due to having no recollection of it. The thought of his hands anywhere on her body makes my blood boil and causes a sickness to rise inside me.

"How did he know I would react that way?"

"He knew because when it comes down to it we are always together when he is a threat. Kylo knows that we are each other's weakness." Guilt sets in, if I hadn't been so predictable none of this would have happened.

"The General told me Kylo never wanted me to kill you, is that true?" I ask and Rey closes her eyes, nodding. "That doesn't make any sense…"

"Think about it, Kylo knew just how to make you feel unrestrainable and overemotional; he used me to make you reckless. Then he was able to manipulate you; take control. He wanted me to overpower you…" She rubs her nose and sniffs slightly and I let her words sink in.


	42. Chapter 42

"Rey…" I quietly say her name and she silently waits for me to elaborate, "I tried to fight it," Her lips turn up into a small smile.

"I know you did," She pauses for a moment and then continues her explanation. "He wanted me to prove that you are disposable to me. That you were holding me back, and wanted me to feed into my anger and convert to the Dark Side. Kylo also needed a pilot to escape the resistance base. He hadn't realised I had figured out his plan." There is silence for a long moment, "However, he hadn't predicted that I wouldn't be afraid of you." She adds and I hear the pride in her voice, but it makes stomach drop.

"You were afraid, I saw it, I see it every time I close my eyes," I mumble.

"Okay, maybe I was, for a moment, but I couldn't breathe," She jokes but observes the way I swallow harshly, "Kylo never realised how strong you are, but I knew you would be able to bring yourself back to me," She nods her heads emphasising her point.

"You did?" She shrugs her shoulders.

"Yeah, I know exactly what Kylo could never take from your control,"

I curiously ponder it for a moment before asking, "What's that?"

"Your heart," she states frankly, like it is a certainty, as if nothing else could possibly make more sense. A small flame ignites inside my core and I think I feel my body slowly start to thaw out of its numb and icy state. My mouth parts as I recall the way she pressed one of my hands against my chest and the other against hers.

Suddenly there is a loud knock on the door and it drags me from my recollection. I shimmy up the wall and twist the door handle to reveal a flustered Fletcher, he is quite later, he holds out a tray. "Here is your share, have a nice night." He says quickly before shoving it into my grip and hurrying down the hall pushing the cart in front of him. I call out a thank you, the contrast from the cold hallway to the warming room is intense, I quickly push the door closed with my foot. I turn back around and take a few steps forward before I notice that Rey is standing right in front of me. My jacket looks heavy on her slumped shoulder, or maybe that is the weight of something entirely different. She quietly takes the tray from my hands and places it on the table near my bag. I stand in the centre of the room, arms by my side. I am aware of the way my breathing has become shallow and my heart beat quickens. There is hardly any space between us, she glances down at my hands, I gulp.  
"Rey-" I don't know what I was planning to say but she cuts me off before I can figure it out.

"Trust me…" she blinks and looks to me, right into my eyes - hers shine a marvellous green in the darkening room. She is gazing up at me as if she can see something deep inside me that I didn't know existed. She grips my hands gently and lifts them up. I want to pull out of her grasp, but I can't seem to find the strength to do so, my bottom lip quivers. I do not have confidence in my self-control, what if I do something to hurt her again… "Look at me," she coos, I hadn't realised I had squeezed my eyes shut.  
I huff and reopen them, witnessing her calm yet intensely reassuring expression – it warms my soul. I am reminded of when I was going to leave her because I was scared of staying the night with her; the night I told her I could never leave her, I bite my lip to stop tears from forming realising that is exactly what I did. I wait for her to press my hands to where her heart lies, like she always does, so I am stunned when she continues to lift up them until she has them only a few inches from her neck.  
Immediately, as if the proximity to her skin burned mine I flinch away, but she shakes her head and smiles as if encouraging me to let her continue. Her eyes fill with tears, tears for me. I silently shake my head back.

"I can't," my voice is hoarse, she nods ever so slightly.

"I trust you…" she whispers, and closes my hands around my neck, her skin is the strange combination between soft and rough that it always is. Rey's eyes flutter as she sighs into my touch, stepping even closer that our feet almost touch. She then releases her grip on my hands, and I continue to lightly hold her bruised neck – I dare not move in case I cause her any pain. Her eyes never leave mine, even when I focus on the small oval shape bruise which is darker, and a range of colours just under her ear. I remember the way my name fell so passionately into the warm air when I did that to her, I look back into her eyes.  
I have never seen this look so clearly before, she looks at me adoringly and I don't understand why. She places one of her hands on my face rubbing small circles into my cheek, and her other gently grazes over the lump she had made.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, "I just needed him to think I was willing to hurt you," I still have not moved my fingers in fear of what may happen. "I never wanted to hurt you either." Her voice is so quiet that I tell myself the only reason I lean closer is to hear her, Rey starts to close the distance between us; her lips hovering in front of mine, she lingers for a moment, and I wonder what she is thinking about. Her fingers move into my hair before she closes the space and captures my lips in hers. I can't seem to kiss her back, only silently sob into her as she moves her lips against mine.  
 _What is she doing? Why is she kissing me? Why are my hands holding her so dangerously?_ I can't seem to quiet my mind, and my knees start to feel weak as heat starts to spread slowly through me. The combination of her light filling my emptiness disorientated me.  
Whatever it is that Rey is doing she is causing my body to warm. I think I may even kiss her back for a moment, and Rey must notice because she adds more pressure and kisses me deeper; silently urging me to let myself go.

After a few more moments of awkwardly standing with my fingers ghosting her bruises, my instincts start to take control. My mind shuts off and I can't seem to focus on anything other than the way her lips feel, my hands move lightly, trailing from her neck to then bury into her hair, she sighs into my mouth and I deepen the kiss further. I take control of her, sucking and biting her lips, and exploring her mouth like it is the first time. I have missed the way she feels against me so much so that I begin to shake. My heart tries to fight it but soon my mind begins takes control again and I break us apart. Rey is breathing heavily and so am I, her hair is falling loosely from the ribbon small strands hang down her neck, and larger pieces frame her face. My knees cannot support my weight any longer so I slowly slip out of her grip and sink down onto the hard carpet. Rey lowers herself onto her knees in front of me, taking both my hands in hers. She brings my fingertips up to her lips and kisses each one, and it sends pulses of electricity through me.  
"Why did you come to find me?" I mutter.  
"It's time I came back to you for once," I suck in a painfully sharp breath, her words almost slicing me open.


	43. Chapter 43

We sit quietly on the floor for a while before I find my voice "Rey…" I sigh. I begin to notice the temperature in the room is steadily rising, I must have turned the thermostat as high as it would allow, Rey must be extremely warm wearing my large jacket and I notice her cheeks have a rosy tint to them.

"Finn…" She mocks my tone, her breath rushing between my fingers which she still kisses.

"No, listen to me," She stays quiet, "We can't. I think it's best if we stay away from each other." My mind is making my mouth move, blocking the way my heart screams the opposite.

"You don't understand how much I want to hit you over the head with my staff-" She lets out a heavy laugh, and I quickly glance at it on the floor a few metres away. "-And hope that it will knock some damned sense into you. You're being ridiculous!" She shakes her head at me seriously.

"Rey, I can't, I mean it, I don't trust myself, I don't want to hurt you. Okay, maybe it wasn't entirely my fault, but what if Kylo comes back?" I raise my eyebrows at her, "What if next time you aren't as lucky?" She keeps my hands in hers and lowers them down into her lap before shuffling closer to me.

"Lucky? I'm miserable," she clenches her jaw tightly. "So are you, I can see it in your eyes," I look down, closing my eyes as if that will change something.

"What if next time he wants me to kill you?" My heart is screaming at me to stop fighting against her, to stop pushing and stop running, but my mind keeps trying to convince myself otherwise.

"There won't be a next time, Finn. I can help you to control your emotions, and then he wouldn't be able to get to either of us, but he can't anyway."

"What happened to him?" I ask, and she shakes her head.

"I don't know, but Leia told me I won't have to worry anymore," I am surprised by my lack of relief, I almost don't believe her.

"Leia?" I question smiling a tiny bit to hide my doubt, Rey shrugs.

"She told me I can call her that, a Force connection and stuff," I nod in understanding, not meeting her eye.  
"What happened to everything you said to me that night in bed?" I can see her trying to restrain her anger. "You remember what you said to me, don't you?" She probes, raising one eyebrow, "The lies…" She murmurs. I nod slowly.

"I meant it then," I say quietly.

"So you meant it when you said you wouldn't run again?" She tests and I look down at our hands.

"That was before-" I slowly fade not needing to explain myself further.

"Finn, you knew I was afraid that you could leave me, and then you actually did," I honestly don't know what to say. I feel as though guilt slices open my veins and I bleed until I am consumed by emptiness.

I do not look at her eyes but rather her rosy cheeks and how a smear of tiny, dark beige dots speckle across them, rising up and over her nose like the dunes on Jakku. Who knew that the harsh damage of a scorching sun caused could cause such beauty. They are like constellations spreading across her face. I suppose she does have the light of the stars inside her.

"What's wrong?" She asks tentatively after a long silence. I shake my head.

"Nothing," I lie. Rey exhales a loud, exasperated sigh.

"I honestly don't know what else I can do," she huffs. Letting go of my hands she stands up and starts to pace up and down the span of the room. "Do I kiss you again? Do I yell at you? Do I leave you again and wait for you to come back to me? Because I'm scared that won't happen," her voice fades towards the end and I stay silent. I don't know if I would have gone back to Rey this time.

"You shouldn't have come back…" I say quietly, my heat aching as she stops pacing and looks down at me, speechless for a moment.

"I came back, because unlike you, I meant what I it when I said you make me happy, and I couldn't bare another moment apart from you." She stares at me, her mouth parted slightly and her brows crease together, "When Poe showed me that your beacon hadn't moved… I don't think you understand, I had never been so scared, not even when I was on Starkiller," I can't seem to find my voice, so I just watch her watch me.  
"The only person I wanted to be with after everything that happened that morning with Kylo, was you," she adds never taking her intense gaze from me.

"Why?" Is the only word I can fathom.

She thinks for a long time before she answers, "Because you are the only person I want to be with," the moonlight starts to replace the setting sun and the room becomes darker.

"Even after what I did to you?" I whisper in disbelief.

"Of course, because I knew that you weren't in control," her head is ever so slightly tilted and her brow is slightly creased with an adoring reassurance.

"I almost killed you, how can you look at me like that?" I shift my weight and put my hands behind me. I should not have turned the thermostat up so much.

"Like what?" she asks, her expression changing to one of confusion.

"Like I am a good person," She closes her eyes momentarily, trying to contain her sudden irritation.

"You are! How many times do I have to explain it to you?" She states furiously.

"I don't know," I whisper, not seeing us leaving this continuous circle any time soon.

There is an extremely long, heavy silence. I sigh loudly.  
"I miss you," she mumbles angrily and I am caught off-guard by her statement.

"It's only been a few days?" I retort. _Why would miss me?_ I squint my eyes, for the first time realising I don't feel this aching numbness inside because of what I did to her: I feel it because I have missed her from the moment I turned my back on her in the infirmary.

"Finn, you need to stop. I can't seem to function without you. Okay?" She grumbles. Her words gradually sink into my skin and she continues, "I walk aimlessly around as if I'm missing part of my heart when we are apart," she is still mad, I can hear it, but her sincerity is clearer. I bite my lip to stop it shaking; _she feels it too?_

"Does it ache until you feel empty?" I ask not realising I said it out loud. She seems to become alert and focus deeply onto me before she nods slowly. "That's how I feel too," I whisper.

Rey's frustration returns. "Then what are you doing? Why do you want to live that way?" Her voice starts to rise, until she almost shouts.

"Because I deserve it," The room would be in complete darkness if it wasn't for the moonlight and the light from the corridor shining under the door.

"Alright, I'm tired of this," Rey removes my jacket and I begin to feel fear rise inside, _is she going to leave?_ She quickly removes her vest, putting it on the floor before putting the jacket back on. She bends and unties her shoes, kicking them off. I follow Rey's hands as she lifts the bottom of my jacket slightly, gripping onto the waistband of her pants. My forehead creases in confusion.

"What are you doing?" my voice breaks slightly at the sight of her shimming out of her tight pants.


	44. Chapter 44

"It's hot, and I'm going to sleep." She utters, stepping on the pants leg to free her other foot. I swallow, my mouth being incredibly dry. I wonder why she put my jacket back on if she is too hot to wear pants, I stare at her bare legs and the way the jacket brushes against the tops of her thighs as she paces over to the bed. She drags off the large cover and slips under the thin sheet beneath. I stand up and watch as she closes her eyes and pulls my jacket up and over most of her face, snuggling into the fabric. I turn the temperature down to a cold setting and stand in the centre of the room.

"Are you going to watch me all night?" She mumbles, I clear my throat and walk around the other side of the bed. I kick off my shoes, lying fully clothed on top of the sheet and staring at the ceiling. I could not be any closer to the edge without falling off; I miss the size of the old bed we shared.  
I hear Rey groan and turn the bedside lamp on before rolling back over to face me.  
"Finn, it's making me hot just looking at you, take your shirt off, or something." She mumbles into my jacket.

"Why my shirt?" I ask quietly.

"I like it when you don't wear one," I feel like she didn't mean to say that. I can't help but smile a little and when I turn my head I catch her eye for moment before she looks away.  
"For the record, you don't deserve to be alone." She says slowly. I let her words sink in before I sit over the edge of the bed and pull the fabric over my head and I drop it on the floor. I walk to my bag to retrieve some bed shorts, I pull my pants off; the whole time feeling Rey's gaze on me.

"I know you're staring," I laugh a little as I pull up the shorts. When I turn around my smile fades at the sight of her, sitting upright, facing me, my jacket sleeve slipping down one shoulder and her mouth parted. Her eyes shine with the glint of tears.

"What's the matter? I ask, climbing back onto the bed close to her, but still leaving space between us.

"Your back…" She whispers. I wonder if there is damage to it I hadn't noticed, maybe all the work cleaning the rooms tore it – I think I would have noticed though.

"Is something wrong?" Rey shakes her head, closing her lips and rubbing them together before letting her mouth part again. "What's wrong?" I press quietly, my heartbeat quickens, but I know my worry isn't for myself. More pieces of her hair have fallen from the ribbon and onto her face.

"I've never seen it before,"

"What?" I force a laugh in response, "Of course you have," I add, shaking my head.

"I only touched it, that one time, by accident." My back tinges at the memory of her fingers grazing over it while we kissed for the first time. I really do miss her, accepting it makes my heart ache for her.

"What about the last time we were together, I didn't have a shirt on at all,"

"I wasn't really paying attention," she mumbles. I start to think maybe she is right, even when I walked away from her in the infirmary after the incident with Kylo she had her head in her hands.

Without asking if she wants me to, I shuffle around on the bed so my back is facing her. I hear the way her breathing becomes heavy. "Can I-"

"Yes," I don't let her finish asking; whatever it was I will let her. I always did wonder how she would react. She moves closer to me and lightly runs her fingers from the base of my spine running them up to my left shoulder blade, trailing her fingers lightly across the scar causes me to shiver, sending shockwaves to my core. I am spiralling out of control, my breath hitches with each smooth moment of her fingertips. Whatever she is doing I almost can't contain myself. Her fingers feel so foreign, the only other person to touch it was Starla, but that didn't feel as amazing as this. I am on the verge of giving in, giving her everything. Rey is so gentle, so cautious; as if she is afraid she may hurt me.  
 _Why do I keep running when I know she is the only one who makes me feel this way?_ I close my eyes, all my focus is drawn to the way her hands gently caress my damaged skin.

"Does that hurt?" She whispers, I don't hear what she says properly.

"Hmm…" I mumble absentmindedly, and her words register as she takes her hands away, "Oh no, it doesn't," my voice is thick, "Don't stop," I add and hear Rey suck in a sharp breath.

"Sometimes, if I do a lot of work, or don't stretch, it'll get sore," My body heats up as she leans closer, pressing her lips against the swollen patchwork of skin. I don't know what I enjoy more, the way she isn't afraid to kiss me, or the feeling of her lips against my skin. It is as if with each kiss she shifts something inside me, and a feeling of euphoric tranquillity consumes me. I am surprised when her lips leave my scar and trail up my shoulder, then up my neck. Warm blood seems to swim in my veins for the first time in days; I let myself absorb the feeling. Rey's fingers leave my scar and she grips onto my waist. Her kisses become wet, but I don't mind.

"I'm sorry," she mutters and pulls away, as if realising she may have taken it too far. When I turn to face her I notice that tears run down her cheeks, and I wonder if maybe she thinks it is hideous.

"Is it that bad?" I ask with a frown.

She shakes her head, "No, you are perfect," she says it so casually, as if it is a known fact, and my heart flutters.

It doesn't take long for my smile to fade. "Why are you crying?" I press tentatively.

"Because it's my fault," she whimpers. I sigh, releasing a lot more than just my breath. I turn back around and sit closer to her than before, our knees touching. This time I wipe away her tears with my thumb and leave my hand to cup her cheek.

"No it wasn't," I move my head down slightly to look right into her eyes, she sniffs. "I was furious,"

"You did it for me,"

"Because I thought you had died. Or if there was any chance you were alive I wasn't going to sit there and do nothing."

"And look at what happened," I quietly huff. She is so stubborn. I don't realise that I am just as stubborn when it comes to her.

"Oh, Rey, I'd do anything to protect you… Even if that means leaving you," she shuts her eyes.

"Are we really going back there?" She asks sharply, but leans into my touch to soften her words. "The last thing you are doing by leaving is protecting me. Finn, you are always the one who saves me." She brings her hand onto my outstretched arm, "Why can't you let me save you this time?" I can't seem to answer. I continue to look at her; maybe I was an idiot to think I could live without her… "I need you, Finn," Her words finally knock some sense into me. I have been too foolish. Dammit Poe was right all those weeks ago, neither of us can fight against each other, we will always find out way back to each other. I don't respond with words, there are none to explain how all of a sudden I feel myself again. Instead I grasp onto the other side of her face and crash my lips onto hers. I hear her shocked gasp as I bury my fingers into her hair; she loses balance falling back against the bed, her head just on the edge and she pulls me with her. She quickly kisses me back and holds onto my arms.  
Suddenly the image of her under me, my hands gripping her neck flashes behind my eyes, and I slowly pull away from her. Rey takes shallow breaths, her hair everywhere. She is shocked but her eyes are full of satisfaction, which slowly fades as I lean away from her. I twist around and lay my back on the mattress, my head on the pillow, Rey sits up and looks hurt by my action, taking it as rejection. I close my eyes briefly and sigh, a smile on my lips. I sit back up again and grab hold of her hips, dragging her across the mattress before pulling her on top of me as I lay back down. Her warm bare thighs straddle my waist, my jacket riding up to expose all of her legs, and she smiles down at me innocently.

"That's better," I state and she smiles at me knowingly. I push a strand of hair behind her ear and grasp the back of her head and lighting press her back down towards me. "I need you too," I whisper before bringing her lips onto mine. She kisses me with so much affection I feel as if my heart begins to beat again, like tightness in my chest has loosened now that we are together. Even though our mouths barely part I feel as though I can breathe again. I pull away for a moment, my hands pushing at her shoulders. I want to look at her; her speckled cheeks and her dark green eyes are something I want to gaze at for a long time.

"Is something wrong?" She whispers quietly, as if she doesn't want to ask in fear I will ask her to stop. Her hands rest on my chest, I shake my head and smile, taking my hands to the ribbon in her hair, I fumble over it and pull it down the length of her hair until it all falls free and drops around her face. The curly waves are messy and tangled but that doesn't matter to me, I adjust her hair so that is covers her bruises. My hands cup her jaw and my thumbs caress her cheeks. "I missed that look," she blinks slowly and smiles.

"What look?" I question as I brush a stray piece of hair from her eyes.

"The one you only give me," she grins.

"How do you know I don't look at anyone else this way?" I test arrogantly and she grins even wider.

"Because I know you too well," I nod in agreement.

"That you do. So what is so special about it?" I ask tapping her nose which makes her contort her face in mock disgust.

"It makes me feel loved," She smiles happily down at me.

"I do love you, Rey," I laugh, smiling back; I say it almost too quickly, too confidently. As soon as the words slip from my lips I look away from her, my mouth parting in a mix between confusion and horror, my breathing becomes erratic. _Do I love her?_ I never even admitted it to myself... _What have I done?_


	45. Chapter 45

I don't have time to contemplate how Rey will react before she quietly speaks, "Finn?" She asks for my attention and I take a deep breath before I flicker my eyes repeatedly between her and the wall to the side of the room. Her chest moves heavily up and down, she looks me in the eye her cheeks flushed. She leans back down and presses an innocently quick kiss to my lips before peppering more along my cheeks, I lay there, my mind seems to have shut down because I stare at the ceiling and absentmindedly rub my hands up and down her legs. She hovers by my ear and I sense her hesitation. "I- I…" She stutters.

"You don't have to say anything," I whisper, unable to hide my disheartened tone. I've never know how to love, was it even the right word to say, I know no one says it lightly. She leans back and I sigh as she slides off of my hips, sitting cross legged beside me; I sit up against the headboard.

"I thought I knew what love was, because I loved my parents," My eyebrows twitch in concentration, I am confused as to where this is coming from, but I let her continue uninterrupted, "I had faith in them, that they loved me and they would return for me. In reality I was mainly just afraid of being forgotten by them," I stay silent and intently watch as Rey knits her brows together in a painful way. "Then I met you-" she glances up at me for a single moment before looking down as her hands play with the cuffs of my jacket. "-and you made me feel something, something I had lost a long time ago…" she abruptly stops, so I lean forward slightly.

"What was that?" I quietly ask, afraid if I speak loudly she'll become threatened and leave.

"You made me feel like I was worth coming back for," I reach for her hand and she stops fiddling with the sleeves and lets me take it. "I got confused because I thought I understood love, but what I feel for you is nothing like that at all." I shakily rub my thumb softly along her hand.

"What are you saying?" I mumble quietly, my mind is unable to comprehend what she is saying.

"You look at me like no one else has, and I couldn't stop myself from falling for you too," I take a deep breath in, realising then I hadn't been breathing.  
I then let out a small squeak, not being able to form words, so she continues. "I can't deny what I feel for you is all consuming, but it is also frightening," I rub our fingers together in silent reassurance. "It scares me just how happy you make me, because I never had the luxury of happiness, let alone sharing it with someone, until I met you. So I guess I am trying to say that I feel the same way that you do," She sighs out the words as if they have weighed upon her for years.  
Before I can answer she slowly slips her hand out of my grip. Without a word she turns and faces away from me, lying down and curling up in her tight, protective ball on the far side of the small bed, her hair sprawled out across her back and shoulders some falling and covering her face.  
"Goodnight," she whispers before switching off the lamp.

I roll my eyes and can't help but smile while I shake my head even though I know she can't see me. I lean over her and turn it back on, then lower myself, burying my face in her hair right by her ear  
"Don't go shutting me out now," I laugh quietly, running my hands under my jacket and up her waist and unexpectedly start to move my fingers quickly against the fabric of her shirt, she sucks in a sharp breath and tries to fight it, but she starts to squirm around. When I don't hear her breathing I start to become slightly worried.

"Stop it, that, tickles," She chokes out the words, and I immediately stop but leave my hand under my jacket.

"What are you doing? Huh, you can't say that then just go to sleep," I whisper light-heartedly, but I can tell that she is frowning. It takes her a while to respond and I feel an unwelcome anxiety embed itself in me.

"Can you hold me?" She mumbles, Rey doesn't wait for me to answer, instead she slips her hand under my jacket and grasps onto mine, she tugs my arm across her body, pulling me against her curled up frame. I do not push her because I know that she found that hard to say, to open up to me that way. I am too overwhelmed by the exquisite feeling of having her so close to me again that I can't respond and I think I may even start shaking. Although the room is cooling down at a considerable pace I remain warm, consumed by her light. I release a satisfied hum and bury my face into her hair, tensing my arm to hold her closer against me. Rey intertwines our fingers, bringing our hands up and resting them under her chin.

"Are you okay?" I ask when she lets out a heavy sigh.

"I haven't been sleeping," she mutters and I squeeze her hand a little tighter.

"Me either," I admit and kiss her hair. I want to get rid of my big jacket, so I can hold her closer.

"Here…" Rey mumbles, leaning up slightly and letting go of my hand, she gathers all her hair over her left shoulder, lying back down on top of it. "Now it isn't in the way," She adds quietly.

"Sit up again," I half ask, half demand, and she leans up the small way that she had before, "No, higher," I add. I let my hand run down her body slowly as I sit up too.

"Why?" She asks as she fulfils my request, keeping her back to me. I don't answer as I grasp onto the collar of my jacket and gradually pull it off her shoulders.

"What are you doing? Stop…" she squeaks quickly as I slide it down a little further before doing as she asks.

"What's wrong?"

"I, hmm, well… it smells like you…" I smile, yet her tone hints that there might be another reason. I kiss the exposed skin of her neck, and suddenly remember the way she had my jacket covering most of her face the night she was asleep in my room, and the way she seemed to relax as soon as she wore it this evening.

"I'm right here, and I think I smell more like me than Poe's old jacket would," I joke and I giggle a tiny bit. "There is something else, isn't there?" I press, knowing when she is keeping something to herself.

"I'd feel," She searches for the word "Exposed," she mutters and I realise that she will only have her under garments and a thin shirt on.

"Take it off," I say defiantly before turning and shuffling to the edge of the mattress, leaning over and retrieving the shirt from the floor. My shirts are oversized on me, so they should make Rey feel a lot more comfortable. I turn back and the jacket hasn't moved from her arms, but she has turned slightly to observe me. "Here," she looks at it quizzically, "It'll be long enough on you, but not as hot as this," I mutter and rub one hand along her side as she take it from me.

"Thank you," She sits up on her knees, "Don't look," I roll my eyes and swivel around to face the wall. Even though she came all the way here, for me, she is still holding back slightly.


	46. Chapter 46

The mattress shifts, I picture the way Rey has dropped her top onto the floor, and can't help but imagine what she looks like without a shirt on, I have to dig my fingers into my legs and close my eyes to stop myself from glancing back at her. The mattress shakes again.

"Finn…" She mumbles in a slightly whiny tone.

"Yeah?" I question, blinking my eyes open and looking at the ceiling.

"You can turn back around," I tentatively twist back around until I see her, lying flat on her back, head tilted slightly and looking up at me. I smile down upon her, and let out an extremely heavy breath as I focus on her eyes.

"Better?" I ask, she nods and shrugs simultaneously.

"I'm a little cold," she mumbles her eyes dark, I move in an attempt to get sheet and the doona from the end of the bed, to cover us. However, she immediately leans forward and her hand grasps onto my inner thigh, I nearly have to close my eyes at the intense way electricity pulses up my leg. I quickly look at her and she shakes her head, her hand rubbing small circles into my bare skin.

"I want you to warm me up," she whispers. I am about to position myself so that she can straddle my waist when her hand pushes against my hip, stopping me from pressing my back to the mattress, "No, like this..." She uses both hands to grip my waist, tugging me closer to her; I do not resist and let her show me what she means. She lies back onto the mattress pulling me on top of her, my hands fall to either side of her and I quickly use my strength to hold myself above her, one of my legs between hers, I push myself up on my knees so I hover over her.

"Rey..." I do not like this. I do everything I can to look away from her bruises.

"Finn." She demands, I look at her. She grasps onto the top of my neck, lacing her fingers into the short hair there and she brings my face down towards her. She leans up, her lips right by my ear, "Stop letting what he did get between us – let me help you…" she whispers, leaning back into the pillow, in this moment I would let her do anything to me because the way she looks at me causes me heart to race. I don't know exactly how, but she has pulled me from the darkness and I could bathe in her light for eternity. I move slightly and Rey grips onto my curls a little tighter thinking I am moving away. I snort out a small laugh before rearranging myself above her so that my weight is comfortable for both of us, both legs between hers but still barely touching her. Once I know I am not restricting her or putting any weight on her I smile widely. Rey tries to push herself higher off the mattress but I reach her first and press my lips to hers just slowly to begin with. It doesn't take long for her lips to leave mine and she begins to pepper my face in kisses. Her small hands direct my face where she wants her lips to go, she focus a lot of kisses on the side of my head where the large bump is. "I am sorry," She mumbles.

"I know, you just did wha-"she cuts me off.

"Not just for this," She begins, quickly kisses it again before slowly kissing down my face. "I should have come to you, and forced you to listen to what I knew; then you never would have left…" She mumbles as she presses light kisses against my skin, almost reaching my lips.

"I'm sorry I ran away, again," before she can kiss me anywhere else I twist and capture her lips passionately with mine. Our eyes are shut tight as we breathe together, her lips soft and our pace fast and her fingers bury themselves into her hair, and my fingers dig into the sheets as I struggle to keep my hands off her. After some time my lips leave hers and her gasps for air are encouragement.

"Apology, accepted," she murmurs as I kiss along her jaw.  
Without noticing I begin to gently kiss down her neck. When Rey's breathing hitches I realise where I am, and what I am doing. I reluctantly pull away, her fingers spread deeper into my hair and I smile, kissing her again. I do not know when her pale skin turns to bruises and when her bruises turn to the love bites I already gave her, but I keep my eyes closed so I never find out.

My arms that support all my upper weight above Rey feel so weak that they start to shake, and when Rey's hands trail from my hair and down my arms she notices.  
"I am not fragile," she whispers and I pull away slightly, I shift my weight to try and help some of the strain on my arms, she leans up to my ear, "If you touch me I won't break," She coos seductively. She rests her head back down on the pillow, I feel myself relax, unintentionally adding more pressure. "I know you're holding back," I sigh heavily and bury my face into her hair; drinking her in, she soothes me by running her fingers through my hair.  
"Do you want to stop? I just thought this might help," she refers to the way we are positioned and I stay silent for a while. I listen to her breathe and the way she feels under me; it is so different to how it felt when I had her pinned beneath me. Her foot runs up and down my ankle before she wraps her leg over my own and leans the side of her head against mine, her fingers still playing with my hair.

"We can take it slow if you like..." she offers. I do not respond to her, instead I softly kiss her shoulder and she sighs, leaning up slightly into the kiss.  
Her fingers stop soothing me and start to tug at my hair as her breathing deepens. I remember the way she liked when I kissed her collarbone so I slowly make my way across there.  
I kiss the sensitive skin before opening my mouth enough to tease her with my tongue. Her breath catches and she raises her hips from the bed to close the space between us. I moan into her at the contact and add some more pressure.  
"Finn," she practically begs, lying back on the mattress, the knots start to tie themselves inside me.

As much as I am consumed by her I can't stop my mind from wandering, and it lingers on a particular question.


	47. Chapter 47

_I'm so sorry I seemed to just disappear, I promise you it wasn't intentional! To try and make up for it I double uploaded, so be sure to read chapter 46 first :) Thank you for your support_

"Where did he touch you?" I mumbled into her neck as I start to kiss back up to her ear.

"What do you mean?" She seems distracted so I stop kissing her and sit back up on my knees, my hands rest on the side of her legs that I sit between as I look down at her. Her eyes are ringed with a lack of sleep but they shine with desire.

"Kylo Ren, you said he touched you," I try to suppress my disgust as I can barely say his name. To distract myself I take in the way she looks in my shirt: it hangs loosely at the front slipping, down one shoulder and has ridden up her thighs slightly.

"He didn't really get the chance before you stopped him," I nod, trying my best to keep myself from imagining what he could have done to her.

"Are you okay?" I ask. She sighs, smiling, before she takes my hand and presses it low on her hips.

"This is all he did," she whispers and as her words hit me I almost feel my hand burn as if his lightsaber has severed my skin. My jaw clenches and unclenches before I take my hand off her and shuffle further down the bed. I am aware of the way Rey tense a small amount in confusion as I wrap my arms under her back to lift her off the mattress slightly before I lower myself down and start to kiss the fabric of my shirt, exactly over the place she showed me. She relaxes, leaning up into me, but I become frustrated with the material. I move my hands down her back and grasp the hem of my shirt. I gradually drag it up to her ribs, my eyes never leaving Rey's so I can see if she is uncomfortable or wants me to stop. Her caution at being exposed seems almost none existent beside the rosy blush on her cheeks. My arms wrap around the bare skin of her lower back and I hide a tiny smile before I lean back down and bury myself in her warmth.  
I kiss her down from the top of her waist, she shivers every time I gently press my lips against bare skin. I remove one of my hands out from under her and take one of her hands, lacing our fingers together. As I reach her hip I start to kiss deeper, her back arches and she moans quietly. I feel like I am kissing so much more than her skin, I'm kissing away the memory of him, and my heart feels lighter. I squeeze her tighter, sucking delicately and using my tongue to soothe her. Rey's legs shakily wrap around my waist, holding me in place. I kiss everywhere his hand could have been and she continues to squirm at the gentle contact. It occurs to me this is the closest to naked I have ever seen, although I am not really looking.  
I almost don't want to pull my shirt down, so I don't and I greedily explore her body. Pushing away the thought of where Kylo's hands had been and kiss across her stomach, which rises and falls with each staggered breath she takes. I wonder where her other hand is, I glimpse it out of the corner of my eye tightly grasping onto the sheet beneath us. My other hand continues to hold hers and our fingers absentmindedly fiddle with one another's.  
She moans my name and I look up at her through hooded eyes, hers are closed and her skin is flushed, her mouth is open and it sends my mind into overdrive. I quickly crawl up her body, hastily pulling my shirt down her body. I'm mindful of my weight but she tightens her legs around my thighs and forces me to press myself against her. I take her open mouth in mine and she moan into the unexpected contact before her legs squeeze me and she brings her hips up to grind against mine. I lose all ability to be cautious, I use the arm that is wrapped around her lower back and hold her against me, the feeling is indescribable. Our kiss is full of passion, it is all heat and tension and I lose awareness of whose tongue is whose because we seem to melt together. Our hands innocently intertwined on the mattress while our hips roll together and my hand sinks lower down her back. We both moan as her free hand runs down my back, her fingers caressing over my scar making my back spasm in a delightful way.  
The cold room and freezing draft creeping under the door are unable to penetrate the warmth we create together. I absorb her light and it makes me glow from within, and I no longer feel restrained by the darkness Kylo embedded in my mind.

It takes a long time but our pace eventually slows as our bodies begin to succumb to the sleep we have not been able to acquire. Our lips lightly kiss one another's as her fingers play with my curls. Rey's legs have loosened their grip and now rest on the back of my calves, my entire arm in curled around her and my fingers softly rub circles into her waist.

It seems she is perfectly capable of supporting my weight, but that does not stop me from moving out of our position. I press small kisses to her neck as I sluggishly slip out of her grip so that only one of my legs is between hers and the other is on the mattress beside her. I shift so I lay half on her and half on the bed and direct all my weight to the side that is not on top of her. I snuggle into the crook of her neck and I feel the way Rey smiles sleepily as she kisses my forehead. I look up at her dreamily, taking our joint hands from the other side of the bed and kiss the back of her hand before keeping them on her chest.

"Have you come back to me now?" Rey whispers and I lean up to kiss her lips lovingly.

"Yeah, I have, I guess I just needed you to knock some sense into me," I nestle my head back down into her neck and she cuddles up closer to me.

"Good, because I am too tired to think of another way," I smile and kiss the same bruise repeatedly.

"Hopefully we will be able to get some sleep tonight," I state, rubbing my thumb along her knuckles while her free hand trails along the length of my scar.

"I think we will," I shut my heavy eyelids and sigh into her. Rey's hand gradually slows until she leaves her arm lightly draped over my waist. Neither of us say another word as we slowly drift into sleep together.


	48. Chapter 48

I am awoken by a loud knock on the door, and it pulls me out of a deep sleep. I have ended up almost completely on top of Rey, my head buried in her hair, my chest against hers, our hips locked and feet intertwined. I am unable to move, my body heavy and weighed down with sleep, "Am I hurting you?" I groan, and Rey presses her hand hard against the back of my neck.

"No, and I don't want you to move," I smile into her shoulder.

"Neither do I," I admit just as another knock sounds. I groan louder than before, and stagger out of her grip, nearly tripping over my sleepy feet as I stand up from the bed.  
"Coming," I call, glancing back at Rey who pouts childishly, it makes me smirk. Suddenly I begin to shiver, the room is really quite cold, and even though we slept without a sheet Rey and I had not felt the cold.

I open the door. "I will take you dinner tray back to the kitchen, if you please," Fletcher says quickly as soon as he is revealed to me, and I nod. I take the few steps to retrieve it from the table Rey put it on the night before. Embarrassingly I pass the untouched tray into his hands. I look at his disappointed expression but realise he isn't looking at the food; rather, his attention is directed to Rey who tugs the sheet up to her chin, covering herself. My embarrassment falters as I clench my jaw, and I block Fletcher's view of her with my looming frame.

"Guests are not permitted in staff quarters, Finn, this is unacceptable," his tone is chipped and I realise he was not paying attention to how she looks and I hang my head slightly.

"I… there was nowhere else for her to stay," I mumble as Fletcher hands me my breakfast tray.

"This is a hotel." I hear Rey try to conceal her laugh with a cough. "We do not give second chances out lightly, I suggest that your friend finds suitable accommodation and you are on time to complete your jobs today," he shakes his head and leaves before I can respond, stopping at the next door and knocking. I huff, shut the door and put the tray down before I turn the thermostat up to a comfortably warm temperature. I grab the bowl of fruit and pace over to the bed. The mattress shifts under my weight as I crawl next to Rey and lean against the headboard, my legs outstretched, one ankle crossed over the other. She hides a small grin shuffling up to sit beside me.

"Someone just got in trouble," she giggles, I shoot her an angry glare, but can't hold it for long before I huff and start to eat. Rey puts her hand on my thigh. "What's the matter?"

"I don't really like it here," I mutter. Rey moves the bowl to the side, she shifts and I instinctively uncross my legs as she moves to straddle my lap.  
She rests her forehead on mine and I relax the tension in my shoulders.

"I'm here now," I do not meet her eye and she runs her hands up and down my cold arms.

"You will have to leave," I mumble, and Rey leans away from me, sitting back against my thighs. She crosses her arms and her jaw clenches, however, her eyes are dull with the ache of rejection.

"Are you being serious? I thought you got over everything that happened,"

I laugh awkwardly, "I am over it, what are you talking about?" I blink a couple of times and watch as her freckled forehead creases.

"You just told me to leave..." She mutters quietly, looking down, loosening her crossed arms slightly.

I sigh out with exasperation before I guide her face up so that our eyes meet. "I don't want you to, but you're not allowed to stay in here, with me." She relaxes slightly letting her shoulders slump.

"Oh," I wonder how long it will take her to trust me and not think I will run when I get the chance, I don't blame her though. "So what do I do?"

"What was your plan?"

"To find you," she mumbles and I smile.

"Then what?" I press, moving one of my hands from her cheek to brush her hair from her face and behind her ear.

"I never thought it through,"

"It's unlike you to be unorganised," I whisper through a tiny smile. Rey doesn't respond, instead she looks over her shoulder at the tracker on the ground near the door, still flashing. I remember how I ran through the entire battlefield as an attempt to rescue Rey, we really are reckless when it comes to each other.

"Are you going to go back?" I inquire.

"Not unless you're with me," I don't know if I want to return, I just want to be with Rey, out of harm's way.

"What about Luke?" I whisper, almost scared he'll hear me speak of him.

She uncrossed her arms and wraps them around my back, "He knows you come first, and that I can't focus without you," she leans into me and buries her face in the crook of my neck.

"Did you fly here?" I feel as though I'm bombarding her with questions. I wrap my arms around her back, holding her against me.

"Chewie let me borrow the Falcon - I think it's hard for him to see it there all the time," I nod carefully.

"Did you want to go back, or stay here?" I ask.

"I want to be wherever you are," she says quickly and snuggles closer into me, so I tighten my arms.

"Okay, well while we figure it out you can talk to the hotel and ask to stay, they will want something is return though,"

"Okay, but can I stay with you?"

"I don't think that is allowed, there is a curfew and specific rules here," I more so feel the way Rey sighs rather than hear her. She moves one hand from my waist and takes a piece of fruit from the bowl and puts it in her mouth, her jaw moves against my collarbone as she chews. I kiss the side of temple.  
"I have to get ready," I whisper. She quickly tightens her hold on me and my laugh seems to echo. She turns fully into me, moving her head so her chin rests in the dip of my shoulder, her hair tickling the side of my cheek.

"No." She whines, acting like a child, but I can't deny I enjoy it. I grip high up her waist and pry her back enough that I see the way she pouts. I kiss her quickly before manoeuvring out of her grasp. "Finn," she whines louder, but I ignore her, smiling to myself as I walk over to the table where my uniform is. I pick it up and take it into the bathroom.

I turn the faucets on and then look at myself in the small mirror, waiting for the water to heat up - droplets splatter out of the open shower door and onto the tiles. I look different; I just can't seem to figure out what it is. I test the water and step in, closing the frosted glass door locking in the heat.  
I rush to clean myself, so I get more time with Rey before I have to start work. I turn off the taps and lean out to grab the towel, drying myself in the warmth of the steamy shower before wrapping it around my waist and stepping out and onto the cold tiles. Rey sits on the vanity holding the wildflower and I nearly slip on the wet floor at the sight of her without my shirt on, covered only in her undergarments.


	49. Chapter 49

_++++  
Hello again,  
_ _My chapters don't seem to be uploading properly, I am so sorry. So this is another double update, be sure to read 48 :)_ _  
I know I said I will be back to my normal schedule, but I have still not finished pre writing and I do not want you beautiful readers to have an irregular updating pattern. So I have decided (and trust me I don't want to) to update every two days from now on. This change might give me enough time to finish writing the remaining chapters. If I am able to finish writing and not catch up to myself I will return to every day updates, that is a promise.  
I am so sorry and I hope you do not mind. :) xx  
_

"Whoa, Rey!" I practically shout turning away immediately, wide eyed and breathless. "What are you doing?" My voice cracks and I clear my throat.

I jump slightly at the feeling of her fingers dancing against my scarred back. "I missed you," she coos in my ear running her fingers in my damp hair. Burning warmth spreads through me.  
"I was about to join you," she whispers and my skin tingles at the thought. I immediately wish I hadn't rushed. "I would have let you-" I can't take it any longer, my core is on fire. I twist around, grip her hips and cut her off mid-sentence by slamming my lips against hers. She is surprised by my dominance as we stumble back; she wraps her arms around my neck and gasps as I bend down slightly and grip the back of her thighs. I lift her onto the vanity and stand between her open legs, never breaking our heated kiss. I try to release some of my building energy by gripping onto the vanity. I suck on her lip before I slip my tongue into her mouth and taste the sweet berries she was eating. One of my hands snakes behind Rey and I push against her lower back, sliding her to the edge, she quickly wraps her legs around my hips and presses herself even closer to me. She moans at the contact and I flush with desire. She moves her hands from my neck and trail down my back adding pressure whenever she isn't near my scar. I moan loudly and both my hands grasp onto her hips, my fingers dip slightly under the waistband of her undergarments as I kneed her small curves. She holds onto my hips and moans quietly.  
"Finn…" she arches her back so she is pressed as close to me as possible, my damp skin against hers. My closed eyes see colours that don't exist and I am lost in her as she sucks on my lip. Our hearts beat in time and our breathing is synchronised. Her fingers leave my hips and she takes hold of one of my hands stopping its massaging movements. She leads it down to where our bodies join. I don't understand what she is doing as she starts to move my fingers over the fabric of her underwear, up and around; she takes her hand away and grips onto the vanity. Her breathing immediately changes and she can't seem to kiss me with as much conviction. I decide to kiss down her jaw as her legs become loose around my hips.

"Are you okay?" I mumble into her neck and slowing the movement she showed me.

"Oh, yes, please, don't stop," her voice is sweet with an innocence I've never heard from her and I immediately begin to rub my fingers over her again. Her moans change to quiet, shaky gasps and she rolls her hips into my hand. I continue to massage her hip with my other hand, and whatever it is I am doing she seems to love it. I can feel her heart beat pound under my lips as I kiss her skin. I add a bit more pressure and her legs tense around me. She moans and it ripples through me. I take my face out of her hair to look at her. Her eyes are shut, her mouth open, her cheeks flushed and chest moves erratically, her breathing is heavy and she looks beautiful. I add a bit more pressure and she gasps loudly, so I do it again, softer then a bit harder, a little bit faster, then incredibly slow. Her moans change between loud and soft or quick and drawn-out depending on my movements. I decide to go slow for a while, so I can watch the way her back arches and she tenses when I reach a sensitive spot, or when she seems to melt when I touch somewhere less delicate. I stop for a moment.  
"Finn…" She pleads and I bite my lip, I barely noticed the way my body has ignited I have been too captivated by her. I place my fingers over the most sensitive area and her hips jolt at the contact as I quickly move in circular motions. She moans loudly and I take it as encouragement to go faster. I alternate between gentle and rough, but keep the pace. Her cheeks become even rosier as she tightens her legs around my waist, she shakily holds onto my hip for support. I move my fingers once more and she tenses and starts shake at the same time. The sight is beyond anything I have ever seen, her lips quivers and her voice squeaks my name between gasps. I wrap my arm around her back to hold her upright, as I slow my pace.  
She collapses into my chest, as her body ripples with the aftershocks. She wraps her arms around me too, and I hold her close. I have no idea what just happened, but I know I want to do it again.

"Rey…" I murmur after she catches her breath.

"Hmm," she hums, her voice thick.

"What did I do to you?" I ask, and she leans off my chest and looks me in the eye. They're different, dark and burning brightly, not dull like they were when she first came to my room.

"I don't really know," she admits truthfully.

"Was it good? I mean you looked good – really good actually, but has someone done that before, how did you know if I was doing it-"

She grins a sated and content grin and cuts me off, "Finn, you are the only one who has made me feel that way. I just knew, okay," I feel my chest puff with pride at the thought I'm the only one who has seen her like that.

"So it was okay?"

Rey leans to my ear, "There are no words," the fire inside me crackles as Rey kisses along my neck I revel in the feeling for a while until the room begins to cool down and I start to shiver which pulls me back to the present, and I groan in frustration.  
"What's wrong?" Rey's voice is thick as she mumbles the words through the kisses she presses into my neck.

"We have to get ready and I need to take you to the administration desk,"

"Why are you thinking about that now?" She mutters and pulls away, she looks sad, but I can still see the way her cheeks glow and her eyes shine.

I close my eyes and rest my forehead against hers, "I don't know," I whisper.

"For someone who doesn't like it here you sure want to be on time," her tone is quite indifferent and I close my eyes. "Alright, let me up," she adds taking her legs from around me before she pushes my shoulders back. I hold onto her hips and guide her shaky feet down onto the floor. I can't help but focus on the way her chest is flushed and her small bust is cupped in her undergarments.

"Finn, my eyes are up here," I hear the grin in her voice and quickly look into her eyes, they glisten mischievously under the lights.

I clear my throat, "Right." I bite the inside of my lip. She wanted to wear my jacket to bed so she wasn't exposed and there I go staring at her...

She kisses my cheek, "I don't mind," I don't know what to say. Something has definitely changed in her too; I can see it in the way she looks at me, like she isn't holding back anymore. She walks away from me heading towards the shower and I look at her back seeing it uncovered for the first time. Running in between her shoulder blades and under the material that is wrapped and clipped across the centre of her back are three large scars each are the size of my fingers but they would have faded considerably from when she would have first received them. I take a step closer to her instinctively, they are a stark white and look a lot smoother compared to her pale skin. Without any thought I slowly undo the clips and Rey glances at me suspiciously over her shoulder, but notices that I am not paying attention, she holds the fabric to her chest but does not redo it.

I can't take my eyes from the scars that I had no idea existed. On closer inspection I notice small cuts, and bruises that never fully faded; I wonder how she got each one, and if she even remembers. My eyes always lead back to the centre of her back and I feel her eyes on me, watching as I hold her - feeling her ribs move as she breathes - and lower my head to kiss the along her scars.  
The light pressure of my lips makes her shiver; I sense it run down her spine. Rey doesn't say a word, she is completely silent and the only reminder I have that she is alive is the feeling of her chest expanding under my fingertips.  
My eyes are closed but I can't stop seeing her scars in my mind. I kiss her one final time before I reluctantly take my hands from her, I blink open my eyes and see that she is still looking down at me with an expression I can't seem to read. I stand up straight and kiss her forehead softly before quietly walking out of the room with my uniform, leaving her to have a shower.

I'm nearly fully dressed by the time I hear the faucets turn on. I finish buttoning up my white shirt, before squeezing into the tight red coat.  
I eat a few berries before lying back on the small bed, my arms behind my head as I wait for Rey to finish. I smirk to myself at the image of her shaking around me.

It is while after the water turned off that she emerges from the restroom. Her wet hair is tied in three buns and she's wearing the same clothes she arrived in. She notices the way I look at her attire.  
"I have a bag, it's in the Falcon," She explains as she paces up to the edge of the bed, "If I remember correctly I think I was in a bit of a rush," Her sarcasm is clear.

"No I don't think you were, I think you're just forgetful," I counter as she puts one knee on the bed and leans closer to me; I move so that I get a better view of her.

"I'll forget to kiss you if you're not careful," She challenges and I laugh at her empty threat. Catching her off guard I quickly close the space between us, I know she is smiling.

"I won't," I whisper as I break the kiss. She rubs her lips together to try and hide her grin.

"Come on," she tries to hold her composure but I just laugh as I roll up and off the bed.


	50. Chapter 50

I take Rey to the front desk where she had asked if she could stay in the hotel and if there were any available positions for her, the robot whose name I still did not know says a range of new placement should open soon, but she is welcome to stay if she washes the dishes in the kitchen for the time being.

"I'll come to the kitchen before dinner," I tell her and she nods. A family passes us and approaches the front desk to ask for a room so I give Rey a quick hug, not noticing she seemed a bit disappointed.  
Rey heads straight for the kitchen – staff in hand – to start to clean when required; while I go to complete my job for the day: scrubbing the tiles in the bathroom in all the unoccupied rooms.

The hours seem to drag out, probably because I know Rey is a few floors below me, and I am not with her. Towards the end of my shift I can't seem to keep my eyes from the clock. N31M who seems to be my unofficial trainer sticks closer to me today, to make sure I do a reasonable job at cleaning – at least that's what I'd like to think.  
My back is aching by the time we finish cleaning the unoccupied rooms and it is early evening. I sleepily stumble back towards the kitchen. My taste for sleep has returned and is relentless, even after a perfect sleep I am more tired than I was before Rey returned.  
I push open the door and search around, trying to keep out of the way of the chefs and hotel staff. However, I am unable to find her. Immediately I fear the worst; something has happened to her: that she has been taken, or maybe even that she has left me and returned to Base.  
I swallow the unsettled feeling that has risen inside my stomach and decide I need to return to my room before I am caught out after curfew.

After a quick splash of water to my face and changing into some spare clothes there is a knock on the door, I open it and Rey stands wearing the kitchen uniform, I smile with relief; she looks cute in her all black outfit and white apron. "Sorry, the manager… Fletcher, yeah?" I nod, "He had to explain all the rules and sent me to the tailor," I don't know exactly why, but I feel sick at the thought of her being measured by the old uniform Livoid. I think of all the bruises and blisters the droids gave me over the years. My blood runs cold at the thought of it measuring the span of her chest and her thighs. Deep down I know it would only be doing its job and not intending to violate her, but I can't seem to remind myself.  
"Are you mad at me?" She asks quietly, and I realise I didn't answer her; I quickly flicker my eyes back to her.

I run my hands up her arms, and a smile, "No, no, yeah that's fine. Did you have a good day?" I quickly ask, hoping to get rid of the image of the First Order droid touching her. No matter how hard I try to protect her from them they always find a way in.

Rey shrugs, "Yeah, it was alright, didn't do much work, mainly listened to the lecture about the hotel," I nod and lean on the doorframe, she steps a bit closer. "What are we going to do; I don't think I will be able to handle knowing you're only a few doors away from me..." She looks at my chest, her fingers softly tailing up to my shirt. I suck in a deep breath as her cold fingers gently cup the back of my neck.

I try not to think about the way she was on the bathroom vanity this morning, but once I see the image it won't leave my mind. I feel my core heat up and I stare at her lips, before clearing my throat and looking into her eyes which have a mischievous glint to them: she knows exactly what I had been thinking about. "I don't want either of us to get in trouble. We need to figure out if we will stay here…" I open up the topic not knowing how I feel about it.

"I already told you, I want to be with you," she twists the curls at my nape before running her hand back down my chest, leaving it in the centre. "What about Poe?" She asks with concern and I smile and press my hand over hers, my other rubs circles into her waist.

"He didn't want me to leave," I admit her.

"I know, you mean a lot him," She looks from our hands up to my eyes.

"He was the first person who treated me like I was human. He did give me my name I don't think we have a normal friendship," I laugh and Rey tilts her head slightly.

"Did he really?"

"Didn't you know?" She shakes her head.

"When we escaped Starkiller he refused to use my designation," Rey's lips twitch in a lovely smile, and I think I see her appreciation for Poe enhance.

Rey quickly looks down the hall then back at me, "Fletcher…" she says just as I start to hear the trolley rolling on the concrete floor.

"I'll come find you at lunch tomorrow," I lean off the doorframe to kiss her forehead and she blushes.

"You know where to find me," she slowly puts some space between us, but I am reluctant to let her go, so I hold onto her hands until she is far enough that our fingers unlink and my arm drops by my side. I watch her walk away from me before I slip through my door and wait against the wall for Fletcher to come will my meal.

A couple of days have passed: Rey had retrieved her bag from the Falcon and has settled in her room, she has to now monitor portion size in the kitchen for the staff meals.

The two of us have to settle for intentionally bumping into each other during our shifts; and sneaking out after curfew to steal a kiss or talk about our day quickly and quietly. I haven't slept properly knowing she is only a few corridors away is torture. We still haven't decided if we will make this a permanent arrangement or if we will leave. I only have a few days left before I will be locked into a contract here, and Rey will too if we continue to stay here.

I am sitting across from her now at a small table in a back room. I almost forget that we only just crashed into each other's lives a couple of months ago and we have so much to say to each other; so many stories. So many things we have never had the chance to share with anybody else. However, neither of us seem to be able to find the words to begin. Keeping my hands to myself can be difficult, the desire to hold her hand, or kiss her when she frowns, but we don't want to draw attention to ourselves. We haven't been able to speak much, with aliens and interruption we eat our lunch in a comfortable silence, however, I still feel the need to try and fill it with conversation.  
"So?" I offer and Rey laughs a little.

"So?" I click my tongue as few times in contemplation.

"We should…" I'd started to speak before realising I didn't have a conclusion to my proposition so I cut myself off. Lucky at the same time a trolley had rolled through one of the wheels loose, causing it to squeak on the concrete.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Rey speaks louder, looking at me with an apologetic expression.

"We should… go somewhere…"I say the words before the idea formed in my mind, but decide I'll run with it, "I'm sick of being stuck in this place, we should get dinner. That isn't hotel leftovers," I smile widely hoping she doesn't catch onto the fact I only just made this up.

"Like a date?" She bites her lip, unsuccessfully hiding her smile.

"Date?" I question, I know what it is, but I didn't realise that is exactly what I suggested. She leans across the table and takes my hands.

"Yeah, two people go out, spend time together, a _date_."

"Well, yeah, I guess that's what I meant," I clarify.

"I'd like that," She whispers pressing her lips to my cheek, causing me to blush, before she takes our dirty dishes to wash in the sink.


	51. Chapter 51

"Fletcher," I call out his name and he turns around quickly, he is walking backwards out of a storage cupboard, but I wouldn't miss his long dark hair even if he was a mile away. He turns around with a pile of towels in his arms just his small squinty eyes can be seen above it.

"Finn, what is the matter?" He says loudly, muffled from the thick fabric.

"Here," I say as I split the pile in half and take them into my own arms.

"Thank you, what can I do for you?" He looks around frantically, and I wonder if he ever stops to take a breath.

"Is there a chance that I could take Rey out tonight, we will be back before curfew," before he can refuse I continue "That means a slightly larger portion of food for the staff," I add try to prove to him it would be in the best interest of everyone else if we were not here tonight.

"You want to leave the premises?" He asked, taken aback, and I nod, not letting him know on the inside, I am worried he may say no.

"Yes, please," I am hopeful he will agree.

"How are you going to pay?" I have no concept of currency, I don't earn a wage, at least not until this week is over, fletcher and I never discussed anything past the workings of this hotel.

"I don't know, how am I supposed to?" I query.

"Most places here return their services for your labour, but that is if you are a resident, or unemployed, because tourism is the overriding trade here. However, you and Rey are neither, so I will make you a deal. If you take these towels to all the occupied rooms, as well as completing your tasks for today, you can write the bill to the hotel and I will sort out the costs," Although Fletcher is uptight; he seems more than generous in his offer. He piles the rest onto my arms and I nod. Too easy I think to myself, there are probably ten towels in my arms.

"Okay, Rey will need a replacement," I say, immediately regretting it.

"I know how to do my job, now go and complete yours." I take a few awkward steps towards the elevator. "Oh, Finn, don't forget the trolleys," He adds and I hear his footsteps as he walks away. I move my head to look to the side and see two carts piled with towels, and my heart drops.

I push one to the elevator, I'll have to return for the other later. I look at the tag on each towel and go to the assigned room; most of them are not on my scheduled path of rooms to clean that day so it drags the day on longer.  
It is late in the afternoon by the time I have completed both tasks. I couldn't help but let my mind wander to my dinner with Rey, and how we will find a lovely restaurant and we can enjoy our time together; for the first proper time. It is almost evening by the time I finally get to see Rey again; she had been given additional tasks as well.

"Where have you been?" She asks a tiny bit of sadness laced in her voice.

"I got a lot of extra work, I'm sorry, but I asked if we were allowed to go on our _date_ tonight," Her eyes sparkle under the bright lights of the hallway and it distracts me long enough for Rey to quickly cut in.

"And…" I can tell she is just as desperate as I am to breathe some fresh air.

"He said yes," her face breaks into a happy grin and it is extremely contagious.

"What are we waiting for, let's go," Rey has taken a few steps but I don't move, she turns around when she notices I haven't followed. "What's wrong?" She mutters, and I raise my eyebrows at her, and flicker my eyes from hers to her uniform, before gesturing my hands down my body. "Oh," She grabs my hand and practically drags me to the elevator. Pressing the down arrow and waits a few seconds, she clicks it again, maybe thinking it will come faster – I smile.

It doesn't take longer before I have changed, glancing at the clock 5:30, we have plenty of time. I stand outside Rey's door, dressed in a shirt, pants and my jacket – which I believe has the faintest trace of Rey still in its fibres. I hear her clunk around inside and I can't help but smile as I imagine her trying to fix her hair, or putting her shoes on the wrong feet in her manic rush. She emerges, wearing boots, thick tight pants, a shirt and a black coat. She nearly bumps into me as she hurries out the door, "Finn," She squeaks with surprise and I can't help but laugh, "Why didn't you come in, I gave you the code," She takes a step back and composes herself.

"I didn't want to intrude," I confess, she nods slowly in a disbelieving fashion,

"Okay…" She squints her eyes but soon notices that I am telling the truth, "Shall we go?" She asks and I nod. Simultaneously, Rey and I awkwardly put our hands in our pockets and I know that we both don't want our clothes to be what warms our hands; however, we keep them covered as we walk to the elevator.

We pass Fletcher and I smile, but I see the way his eyebrows raise – maybe he thought Rey and I wouldn't be able to complete our additional work. I don't know if I should be worried or satisfied, so I push it out of my mine, and hold the door open for Rey. I follow her out of the large, glass hotel doors and the cold evening air dances through the small pieces of hair that can't get pulled back into Rey's ribbons. She smiles brightly, closing her eyes and taking her hands from her pockets. She spreads her arms out, breathing deeply, as if welcoming the wind and I can't take my eyes off her. She opens her eyes and grins at me and as she lowers her arms, I slip my hand into hers before she can hide it inside the darkness of her pocket, and can see the way her shoulders relax.

"Where would you like to go?" I ask and Rey looks around at all the other hotels, tall buildings, and busy streets she quietly steps closer to me. She wraps her other hand around my upper arm, she must be cold, or maybe she is intimidated. I can't deny the selfish pride I feel at the thought of her coming closer to me for protection.

"I don't know, you can decide," She answers quietly.

"How about we walk around and see what we can find. If you see somewhere we'll go there,"

She smiles a little, and kisses my cheek which relaxes me, "I think we both know we aren't fussy when it comes to food," I nod in agreement.  
Growing up in the First Order everything is portioned by body weight and the importance of rank. Rey, on the other hand didn't have the luxury of having just as much as one needs; I'm sure she would go days without food if she wasn't able to scavenge anything worth trading. I squeeze her hand in sympathetic understanding and we start to make our way down the avenue.

 _Is this how a date works?_ _Do we meander around until we find a suitable place?_ Because it doesn't take long for me to start to wonder if this was a bad idea. Neither of us knows what half of the cuisines on offer are, and most are in languages we don't understand. Rey and I make small talk, but I can't seem to take my mind from the fact I have no idea what we are going to eat.

The first sun is setting behind the buildings and Rey's focus is mainly on the purple cast it creates over the sky; leaving me to navigate us through the busy streets. I am tense and bite the inside of my lip; our little outing isn't at all how I imagined.


	52. Chapter 52

"Are you okay?" Rey asks and rubs my upper arm; I keep my attention ahead and make sure we aren't going to crash into someone.

"Yeah, I'm fine,"

"You don't belong here, you know that don't you..." her words come off as more of a statement than a question, and I laugh.

"Why do you say that?" I glance at her momentarily.

"Look around, at all the people," she continues to look at me for a moment, but when I look down she looks away. "You shouldn't just be a nameless face in the crowd," she states, her words stop me, but she continues to walk until our arms tug at the distance she has put between us. She turns to face me, and people have to divert around us. I pull her closer, her feet stumbling slightly but I steady her when my free hand cups her cheek; her brows furrow and she is about to speak when I close her mouth with mine. She smiles with surprise against my lips. My fingers tingle and I don't know when – or if – it would be possible to get enough of her.  
I break us apart even though Rey steps a bit closer to kiss me again, I rest my forehead on hers and she smiles shyly.

"What was that for?" She whispers, ignoring the commotion going on around us. I don't know how to find the words to explain how much what she said meant to me, so I decide to settle for flattery.

"At least now I am the nameless guy who kissed the most beautiful girl," my lips twitch and I can't hide my smile, she blushes which I will take as a thank you. I pull away, feeling a lot better. I hear the loud chime of the city clock, alerting us that it is 6:00. I see a small restaurant between a few buildings across the road; Rey has spotted it too and she nods when I look at her with questioning eyes.

We sit in a small cushioned booth on opposite sides from one another, looking at the menus and not knowing exactly what we want. A waitress comes over and we both order a refreshing drink called soda to start while we decide on our meals. When they arrive, Rey and I excited try it at the same time: the fizz tickles my mouth and some of the bubbles pop on my nose, it is sweet and cold but somehow it seems to warm me up. We place the glasses down and she looks at me with a giddy smile and I can't help but return it.

"What do we eat?" She asks, moving the small centre piece of flowers to the edge of the table.

"What would you like?" I counter.

"I asked first," I gesture for her to come closer, and we lean over the table.

"I was just going to get whatever you decided," I whisper and Rey tries to supress a giggle as I lean back.

"So was I," She admits and I snot out a small laugh.

"Why don't we just ask the waitress and see what she recommends," Rey nods in agreement and I call her over to ask.  
She suggests that we try pasta which is freshly made each day which is tossed with herbs that are grown on the balcony of the restaurant; Rey and I agree we'll both try that. I call out a thank you as she walks away, writing in a small note pad as she leaves.

"Rey…" I begin and she looks up at me as she takes a sip of her drink, "What are we going to do? Will we stay here?" She sighs, puts her elbow on the table, resting her head on her hand.

"Where else will we go?"

"I don't know; why is this so hard?" I half ask myself. Rey leans over the table and stops my hand that is slowly spinning the glass around and takes it in hers.

"You never really got a chance to find yourself and discover what you want to do, anywhere you go isn't going to feel right until you figure it out," She's right, but I don't know what I want to do, or where I want to go or how I am supposed to figure myself out.

"How do I do that?" I ask, intertwining our fingers.

"You will have to find out what you want to do, and I think we both know cleaning hotel rooms isn't it, and I know working in a hot kitchen washing dishes isn't my calling either,"

"What do you want to do?" she flickers her eyes away from mine.

"Finish my training…" she mutters and I take my hand out of hers and sit back placing my hands in my lap.

"You want to go back to the island?" I question, and Rey shakes her head.

"No, well, we can't go back there after what happened with Kylo, so Luke thought we'd continue, back at Base," her voice fades slightly at the end and I feel my heart drop with it.

"He thought, so the two of you discussed this?" I mumble, not looking at her and focusing on the way the bubbles fizz in the glass.

"Yes, we did-"

I interrupt her while she stumbles to try and find more words. "You want to go back, don't you?"

"I will need to, eventually, but I want to be with you," I close my eyes, no matter what happens it always seems like I am called back there.

"So when you didn't want to be with me anymore you were going to go back?" I query, I'm not angry, rather disheartened, but our fingers still absentmindedly fiddle with one another's.

"No, silly, I told you I wouldn't push you away, so I'm not going to do that. I was going to convince you to come with me," Her tone is kind, but assertive and I feel the need to defend myself.

"How do you know I would have gone with you?" She retracts, as if I struck her and I feel guilt set in immediately.

"I just thought…" Her voice fades, and I look away from her.

We fall into a long silence, but regardless we continue to hold hands.


	53. Chapter 53

While we sit in silent, I look everywhere but Rey, and fully observe the room we are in it is: dark and atmospheric, with tall candelabras attaches to each booth which provides a beautiful halo above us. The seats are cosy; I don't think I will ever be able to comprehend the luxury of comfortable seating and soft mattresses after spending my pitiful beginnings surrounded by metal and flat surfaces. Dammit, _what am I doing, why am I even upset at her?_ Rey finally has the chance to be someone she wants to be, someone with opportunities, of course I want that for her. I turn to look at her and she looks down, at the grooves in the wooden table, I open my mouth but just as I am about to speak the waitress returns with our meals. Rey looks up and notices I have my mouth open to speak but I quickly thank the lady, and so does Rey.

I catch Rey's eye again, both of us continue to hold the other's gaze, "I'm sorry," I whisper and my shoulders slump, "You're right. I would follow you across the galaxy if you asked," I confess, and she frowns focusing on the table again.

"I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do," She says quickly.

"Look at me…" she does as I request, "Neither do I," she sighs and I squeeze her hand a little tighter.  
I don't say no, but I also don't agree to returning, not just yet. "Let's eat our dinner before it gets cold," Rey nods, having to let go of my hand to eat her meal.  
I twist the fork in my fingers and try to collect the slippery strings and herbs. After the first taste, both of us nearly inhale the rest, it is unlike anything either of us have eaten before. We don't speak much besides telling each other how much we love it.

"Should we have desert?" I propose as Rey pushes her bowl in front of her moments after me.

The pasta may have filled us up, but Rey's face splits into a toothy grin and I watch her chest shake in a satisfied laugh, "Yes, please!" her excitement is uncontainable and my lips turn up in adoration. Jakku wasn't able to break her spirit, and I wonder if a part of her has always stayed a child; I will treasure it if that's true.

"What should we get?"

"What about the chocolate fondue?" The waitress says as she appears from behind me and takes our empty bowls, "Fresh fruit and melted chocolate, perfect to share," She informs us and I raise my brows at Rey, she nods her head quickly.

"Okay, we'll have that, please," She writes it in her notebook and walks away. "I'll bring it in a while," Rey thanks her, and we drink our soda in the meantime.

"Do you like it here?" I ask her when she puts her nearly empty glass down.

"I really do, do you?" her genuine response makes me smile, and I nod.

"It is unlike anything I have experienced before," I admit, knowing Rey understands what I mean.

"I could get used to this: enjoying a meal in luxury and not having to worry about portion sizes," she groans.

"I agree, we can have another serving if we really wanted to," Rey's eyes flutter and she grins at the idea.

"One thing I am grateful for is the fact there is always enough, even if the portions don't always seem to be sufficient," I can't stop myself from pitying her.

"Was it hard?" She gives me a questioning look, "Growing up on Jakku?" My voice is small and she looks away. This being the first time I have opened up the sensitive topic she seems to seclude into herself and leans her back against the booth. When she does not answer I feel heat rise in my cheeks, "Of course it was, sorry." I add and gulp down the remainder of my drink.

"It was never easy," I look up from my glass and notice that she is sitting towards the edge of her seat, leaning slightly forward.

"You don't have to talk about it; it's in the past," I don't want her to be uncomfortable because I know I would struggle to tell her the horrible things I was forced to do before I met her.

"Some days were better than others," She admits and I nod, "Some fights were easier than others, and I think you saw that," Her voice is quiet. I look down at the indentations in the wood table, and Rey takes my hand in hers.

"How… You know – what happened?" I stumble for the words and she runs her fingers through mine.

"I was thirteen, thought I had living the solitary life perfected, I became overconfident," She laughs and I can't help but smile at the thought of a little Rey thinking each grain of sand belonged to her. "Let's just say: someone else thought that a rusty piece of metal belonged to them too." I frown at the thought of Rey having her back slashed open by some creature with claws, but it is the image of her suffering afterwards that makes my heart ache.

"How were you able to treat it?" I look at our hands before meeting her eye, and she hesitates for a moment.

"I couldn't, Unkar Plutt did – he was the one everyone made trades with at the Niima outpost. We made a deal that I would let him keep my earnings that day for free, if he was to help stitch my back…" before I can respond the fondue is placed in front of us with an assortment of fruits.  
Rey smiles and takes her hand out of mine so that she can use the small prongs to stab the berries, dipping them into the chocolate, her eyes sparkle from the moment the sweetness touches her tongue and I'm quick to share in her ecstasy.

I couldn't be more surprised, I never knew food could taste like this; it is so amazing that I almost don't want to leave. Rey and I disregard our manners and use our fingers to scoop up the remaining chocolate from the warm pot.

We are full and satisfied, and all I want to do is kiss her sated smile. "What's that look for?" She questions, her voice low and she flickers her eyes from my eyes to my lips. I gesture with one finger for her to move closer, and she does. I lean over the table too, until we are a few inches apart, my focus is on her lips which are stained red from the berries. I take my hand under her chin and lead her forward; closing the remaining space between us. Her lips part and the taste of the delicious desert and the sweetness that is Rey combines and the mixture is intoxicating.

We pull away after another moment, "I just really needed to do that," she blushes at my words and I kiss her once more before I sit back.

"I wanted to do that too," she admits and I grin.

"Shall I get the bill sir?" The waitress interrupts and I flash Rey a surprised glance at the way she addressed me. I proceed to explain the bill will be covered by the hotel to which she smiles and walks away, leaving up to make our way out.

I take Rey's hand in mine as we walk from the restaurant. The streets are dark, lit by large lamps every few metres. Both suns have set, and Rey and I look at each other, then towards the clock tower, the time reading 8. We shoot each other worried glances, its past curfew and we have a few blocks until we reach the Complex.  
"We better hurry," Rey says quickly, and I agree. The two of us laugh as we rush through the still busy streets.

We return to the hotel and sneak down to the staff quarters unbeknownst to anyone else. I kiss her promptly before hastily entering my room.  
I have a shower and do some exercises in the warmth. I loosen my muscles, and feel a lot more relaxed; my stomach is full and grateful for it.  
I put on some bed shots and walk out of the bathroom, however I have no desire to sleep; I have the urge to see Rey. I want to kiss her properly I don't want us to be alone after the night we just spent together. I throw my jacket over my bare chest and sneak out of my room and walk down to hers.

I enter the code and her door opens, my cheeky grin immediately vanishes once I close the door and turn to see her crippled on the hard floor in a tight ball.  
"Rey…" my voice catches as I rush over to her. I drop to my knees and gently roll her into my arms; she is barely breathing and her small frame in heavy in my hands.


	54. Chapter 54

My heart feels as if it is going to pound through my ribcage. _What is happening to her?_ A sickness embeds itself into my stomach and my body feels weightless, like I am levitating down into the abyss of desperation.  
"Rey…" I plead, holding her in my arms, she whimpers. Her eyes are squeezed shut, she is shivering, yet beads of sweat are speckled across her forehead. "Rey, what's wrong? What's happening?" I beg in distress.

She struggles but is able to open her eyes, her lips are shaking and her eyes are shining with tears. "Finn," She squeaks my name in disbelief, reaching for my cheek.

"I'm here," I place my hand over hers, and hold her clammy skin against mine.

"We need to go back," she says between sharp breaths.

"To the restaurant?" I ask searching her face.

"No, Base," she breathes heavily. I blink in confusion.

"What? Yeah, okay, we can go back, but not now. What happened, did someone hurt you?" The words fall out on top of themselves and the worst case scenario slips from my lips causing my blood to run cold.

"No, no, we need to go back, something is wrong,"

"What do you mean?" I don't understand her.

"I can feel it, Finn, we have to help them,"

"You're not going anywhere like this," I say firmly as I brush aside the hair that sticks to her forehead.

"For once please just listen to what I'm saying." The roar of adrenaline makes it hard to hear her.

"I don't understand," I admit as she continues to take shallow breaths. Sitting up in my arms she takes hold of my other cheek, looking me in the eyes; hers are bloodshot and filled with tears.

"Finn, listen to me: Luke, Poe, everyone they're all in danger,"

"How do you know?" Her hands are sweaty on my face.

"I know a lot of things that are too hard to explain, and I feel things more than I knew I could." I nod, momentarily forgetting that she has power beyond my comprehension. "Do you trust me?" I nod, "Then believe me, the Resistance needs us,"

"Okay, I believe you," I see her shoulders relax but she is still in a state of extreme shock. "I don't want you to get hurt," I whisper, wrapping her tighter in my arms; hopefully it will help her stop shaking.

She looks at my lips for a few seconds before meeting my eye again. "This will pass, but what is coming won't," I crease my brows in worry. My fingertips start shaking against her back as my body calms. The sickness embedded in my stomach intensifies and my heart feels heavy with a weight I haven't felt since I planned to save Rey from Starkiller.

"What is coming?"

"It's enough to cause disturbances in the force, whatever it is... It has already begun," she closes her eyes at the realisation.

"You can't fly like this." She opens her eyes a burning fury in them.

"I rode my quadjumper the day after I got those scars, Finn, I know what I can handle," she breathes heavily, wheezing slightly, and it only makes me more worried. Dammit she is stubborn, and feisty.

"Come with me." I state, not letting her answer before I scoop her in my arms, her arms hold my neck and her legs wrap around my waist, my arms act as a seat as I carry her to the bathroom.

I run the shower with her still attached to me. As I put her down she wobbles on her feet so place my hand on her back to stable her. She opens her mouth to protest, "Don't." I put my finger to her lips. With my free hand I lean to test the water, adjusting the faucets. "It'll make you feel better." I take my finger away and she looks at me with an unsure expression. "It always worked for me after a brutal simulation and I panicked myself into a state of shock." I test the water again heat starts to run through the shower head.  
"Be careful," I warn seriously, "Don't have to it too cold or you'll lose consciousness, and don't have it too hot either, or you'll pass out from that too." I adjust the temperature a final time.

"Finn..." she whines.

"Rey, I listened to you, now you need to listen to me," I grasp onto the hem of her shirt and she let's me begin to pull it up. I try my best not to focus on her body, and the way she instinctively takes a shaky step towards me, and how desperately I want to kiss her. I lose my self-control the moment I help her to pull the material over her face and glance at her almost naked form. The way her sun damaged skin is blotchy and her small bust bounces the slightest amount as the fabric is tugged off her arms. I quickly meet her eye, and she gives me a knowing look. "Get in." My voice breaks a little, I kiss her forehead. I turn around to let Rey undress fully, and she then closes the frosted glass door of the shower. I sit on the tiles and lean against the vanity, facing the wall that the towels are hung on.

A few minutes pass. "Finn, are you still there?" Rey says quietly, but loud enough to be heard over the gushing water.

"Yeah, are you alright?" I query, leaning forward to stare at the glass.

"I just wanted to make sure you were still here," she responds and then turns the faucets off. She steps out and takes a towel; I look at the tiles below my feet as a distraction.

"You're going to pop a blood vessel is you don't blink soon," Rey laughs, and I realise I had focused all my attention onto the ground to prevent myself from looking at her. I relax my tense shoulders, and blink a few times.

"Okay, can we go now?" She asks, I see her feet enter my line of sight and her little toes wriggle. I look up and she's wearing the same clothes as before. Her hair is wet but still in the buns, her sickly pale complexion has dissipated and she looks a lot like herself again.

"Okay," I say lacking conviction, she offers me her hand, and I try my best not to rely on her strength to pull me up off the tiles.

Her safety is my priority and I feel myself wiring up to protect her as she grabs her staff and her bag. We leave the room and I quickly grab my own rucksack, snatching the wildflower and carefully stuffing it inside.

I leave multiple notes at the front desk when I notice the gray droid is in power saving mode. One for Fletcher telling him we had to leave; not being able to come up with a good enough excuse I just say someone was in danger, but we were grateful for dinner. Another note to the tailor to apologise and say Rey and I won't need our uniforms. The last was an overall thank you for the hotel's hospitality.

Rey grabs my hand and leads me through the streets that have quietened down now.

By the time we reach the ship and cargo dock, I am already feeling the burn of exhaustion. It was a long day, the extra work and our date have left me needing some decent rest.

Rey lowers the ramp of the Falcon and we board the freighter. We rush to the cockpit and Rey immediately starts to flip switches and press buttons and I do as much as I can to help.  
The uneasy feeling of the ship rising from the tarmac makes my stomach churn even more.

Rey continues to pilot the Falcon into Lightspeed occasional having to take a moment to breathe deeply and focus her mind. I watch the stars blur past so quickly it is disorientating. Once autopilot safely takes control Rey sits back into the chair, her hands cupping her face.

"What is going on, talk to me?" I offer and she removes her hands, rolling her head to face me.

Her lips tug in a tight smile, but she chooses not to tell me, "Do you still have your blaster?" She changes the subject. I stand up and grab my bag from the door. I drop it on the chess table and rummage through it, remembering that Poe was the one who packed it up for me. I find it buried at the bottom, wrapped in a shirt, the weapon Han kindly gave to me is buried inside as well.

"Yeah, I've got it," I inform her and sit on the couch attached to the table.

"Finn," she twists around to look at me. "Don't let your emotions control your actions," I nod, we don't need a repeat of the morning in our old room.

"You can't either," I tell her and she laughs.

"I promise I won't,"

"I promise too," I assure her.


	55. Chapter 55

++++  
Something seriously dodgy has been going on, and I am so sorry. I don't know if it is just me but the recent chapters don't seem to post, then the chapter numbers get all muddled up. I suggest maybe just checking to see if you have read all the recent chapters. I'm so sorry, I promise I've been doing everything the same it just doesn't seem to work

"How far away are we?"

"forty minutes," I nod.

"Come here," I request and she reluctantly rises and walks over to me, I reach out my hand and she takes it with a shy smile. I tug her down onto my lap and she wraps her free hand around the back of my neck for support. "Are you okay now?" I whisper. Her hair is slowly drying; some parts are lighter than others. She nods and readjusts herself so she is more comfortable.

"Yes,"

"Would you tell me if you weren't?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I think I would," she glances at my lips, then back to my eyes.

"You think?" I lean back a little to observe her whole face. I stare at her neck for a moment, the bruises have faded so much and it brings me a lot of ease.

She hums quickly before she closes the space between us and starts to kiss me. I fight it for a moment before I melt into her and pull her close. Letting my mind forget about what we may face, and giving myself entirely to her. I hold her as I lay myself down onto the couch, Rey on top of me. She readjusts so she can party straddle my waist, partly mirror my body.  
The small couch obviously isn't designed for this, and suddenly a feeling of guilt overcomes me.  
"Rey," I mumble her name between kisses and she puts her hand on the seat on the couch, by my head, and pushes herself up to look at me.  
"This doesn't feel right," I confess and she is confused for a moment before she gives me a knowing look.

"Han?" She asks quietly and I nod, she kisses my forehead.  
"He may have been old, but he would have been young at one time, and-" she leaves closer to me and whispers: "In love," her words slip through my body like water down a stream, filling me. Without hesitation (pushing away the thought that we are disrespecting his memory), I grab hold of her pale cheeks and bring her back against me. My lips latch onto hers; if someone else was here they'd believe that I can't breathe without her. Maybe they would be right.

The moment her tongue starts begging for mine I don't waste time in opening my lips for her and taking control. I hold onto her hips, so she is stable, but also so I can roll them lightly against mine. She has one hand in my hair and the other is running down my chest. She fiddles with the hem on my shirt and slips her hand under, her cold fingers make my hips buck slightly. She kisses me deeply as she grasps onto my waist. I assume she would say she is holding me like this so she won't slip off, but I notice the way she digs her fingers in when she moans my name.

The control beeps but Rey ignores it, so I do too.  
I loosen my grip so I can rub my hands up her waist and back down to her hips, I feel her shiver and smile into our warm kiss.  
The monitor beeps again and Rey groans in frustration, and when she reluctantly shifts I take my hands from her and let her awkwardly get off me. I put my arms behind my head and watch her sit in the pilot seat.

She presses a few buttons, "I forgot to redirect the booster fuel into the thrust engines," she grumbles. I think she is about to come back to the couch but she walks over to her bag which is near the door. She takes out some clean white cloth and her tunic. Regardless of my eyes on her she removes her clothes and replaces them with the ones I first met her in. She wraps the cloth up her arms perfectly, and I wonder how many times she has done that in the past. She puts on some small fingerless gloves to help her grip I assume, and clips her lightsaber to her belt. She shoves her clothes back into the bag. She looks up and meets my eye, with a look of extreme exhaustion, her shoulders slump under an immense weight. So I open my arms to welcome her back. She slowly walks up to me and around the table. She basically collapses onto me and wraps both her arms under me, hugging my waist and she rests her head on my chest. She closes her eyes as I hold her in place, she must be exhausted, it's been a long day. My eyes feel heavy as I finally fall to the bottom of the adrenaline high I was on.

We both wake to sound of the engines rerouting as we come out of Lightspeed. Rey is alert and quick to scurry out of my grip; whereas I am sluggish and weighed down will sleep.  
She has already switched off autopilot and is flying the ship into D'Qar's gloomy atmosphere by the time I sit in the co-pilot seat. She glances at me with an intense expression that holds too many emotions to comprehend. She heaves the lever forward.  
She pilots us through the dark of night, and towards the Base. I hear the roar of the Resistance X-Wings before I see them. We come over a rise and we are blinded by the lights to the Base, the floodlights have lit every runway and the tarmac shines, it is almost as clear as if it was day. I look down and am surprised when I see a flood white armour glowing under the large florescent lights. Large groups run down the tarmac, blasters loaded, some fire, others head in different directions, surrounding the Base.

"Stormtroopers?" I half ask, yet I can see them clearly. I do not understand how, the First Order so easily rebuilt their ranks, and I wonder for the first time if Starkiller wasn't their only base. "Hux always thought that a Clone army was more efficient," I add quietly, partly to myself. Maybe he always had one waiting.

"He must have fixed the ship after we left him on the island," Rey raises her eyebrows and I shrug. I wasn't aware they had left him on Luke's secluded island.

"I guess he must have, because I don't know who else would be leading them," I admit. Mixing with the X-Wings is the all too familiar high pitched whistle of TIE fighters. The sound coaxes my body into action, and the unwelcome, but necessary flow of adrenaline floods my system.

Without warning I rush out of the cockpit. I don't need to tell Rey - and she doesn't have to ask - where I am going, because she knows.

The Resistance fixed the weapons system and unlocked the gun from its forward position. With it fully operational, I man it and grab hold of the controller. My hands firm and my focus unwavering, I pivot and swirl the weapon around to warm it up before I target on a TIE fighter that is unaware of our presences. Lasers shoot out from the gun perfectly timed to collide with the fuel storage unit, causing it to catch fire and subsequently explode.  
My adrenaline is channelled so that every shot I fire is intentional and serves its purpose.

Rey flies us through sparks and fire and as we emerge that's when I see him. I know it is him, even though it is dark and occasionally glary, and it not because of the detailing on his X-Wing. He's the best damn pilot in the resistance. He skilfully manoeuvres Black One through the air, I flicker my eyes between him, the battlefield and the targeting monitor in front of me. I shoot a laser at a group of Stormtroopers using a hanger as protection before they are able to ambush a pilot about to board her X-Wing.  
I force back on Blacker leader as he stalls his engines to confuse a fighter hot on his trail. I see the small orange and white head of BB-8 whizzing around, and I assume passing vital information to his comrade. Suddenly he thrusts the X-Wing vertically into the air and flips behind the TIE Fighter, shooting it down with ease.  
I look back at the monitor and I target onto the large Resistance defence cannon that is already targeted onto the Falcon. Rey skilfully tries to manoeuvre us away, but the barrel follows us.  
"Finn…" Rey's loud and worrisome call echoes through the corridors and down to me.

"Already got it, babe," I call back. Just as I fire the lasers, the cannon releases its ammunition. _They must be inside, taking control of our defences and using them against us,_ I conclude silently.  
I glance back at Black Leader to witness an oncoming assault, from two TIE fighters and another corrupt Resistance cannon. I am too slow to position the Falcon's weapon before two missiles collide into Black One, sending it spiralling out of control. His burning X-Wing ignites the tops of the trees as Poe crashes to the forest floor.


	56. Chapter 56

All I remember is immediately shooting down the two TIE fighters and destroying the canon which shot Poe down. Everything after that was a blur, but somehow Rey and I are on the tarmac, side by side. The lights are so bright sometimes it is hard to see the fight, but I occasionally see the green glow of her Lightsaber out of the corner of my eye. Sparks ricocheting in all directions, I feel some seer into the fibres of Poe's old jacket. Lasers pour out of my blaster and collide with any Stormtrooper in my path; Han's old gun swinging and knocking against my back while we try our best to defend the next squad of pilots boarding the X-Wings. I do not have to overly worry about defending myself because Rey is always one step ahead of our opponents and is able to deflect any shots I cannot avoid.

We are losing too many X-Wings, the Resistance's defences keeps shooting them down as well.

As the drone of the next group of fighters sound Rey start to make her way to the other side of the tarmac; her focus is on finding Luke and finding out what is happening.

I so desperately want to look for Poe, so much so that my feet lead me to the edge of the forest. I stare into the darkness between the trees.  
 _I made a promise._ I remind myself.

We survived a much worse crash before, I probably won't be able to find him because he would have ejected from the fighter before impact.  
I hope BB-8 is okay.

I attempt to close off my mind and decide to focus on trying to take back control of our weapons. That will help us to take away the First Order's upper hand.  
I rush into the forest, then turn to the direction of the Base, I use the trees as cover so I can make my way to the doors wouldn't encountering any troubles. When I find the clearest exit point I make a break for the automatic door. I hear the blast of lasers, but their aim is always terrible. I squeeze through the metal doors just as a squad of resistance troops jog in formation to create a fortress at the entrance.

I follow the familiar corridors towards the military compound.  
Alarms screech, and talking and yelling mixes together.  
Stormtroopers guard the entrance and bodies lie on the ground, my reflexes are too fast for them and I shoot them down, and then I hide against the wall and peek through the doors. It is as if I am looking at a wave, their white armour moves like the ocean. They fill almost every area of the compound.  
I decide that there is no way I would be able to defeat them. So I do the only thing I know how to do. Run.  
Not away, no, I run right into the compound. I weave in between the troopers, and it takes a little while for them to realise that I am not one of them. One raises the alarm, but he is too late. I have reached the back door, and I slide it up manually, letting it down heavily behind me before locking it using the access keypad.  
The spark of a laser clipping the sleeve of my jacket causes me to swing around and shoot down the trooper guarding the power console. I rush over to it, it is locked by a code.  
I stare at it, hearing the banging of the Stormtroopers trying to pry open the door open. I stare at the numbers, and search my mind for the correct combination. I string together a code of numbers and by some miracle I am able to open it. I am now faced with the task do deciphering which buttons and levers control what.

I conclude all of large ones can be turned off. I flick off a few small buttons, and main power sources; including the defence weapons, and all the holograms in the military compound. I override the emergence backup system. I make sure that the infirmary still has power and the floodlights are still on outside, because darkness does not sound appealing. I quickly close it. I hear the grainy sounds and smell of burning metal as they begin to cut open the door. I laugh and squeeze through the emergence exit tunnel which leads to small door at the side of the Base. I open it and rush back to rejoin the battle.

I already see the difference I made, the X-Wings are able to take back control and their teamwork gives them an advantage.  
The Troopers are forced back, and are easily defeated.

I see Rey's hair falling from its buns across the tarmac; I see a dark, looming figure wearing a black cloak, and a mask. I make my way to her, dodging away from any ammunition fired my way. She stands in the centre of the tarmac but her eyes don't waver from her opponent. I feel anger seethe in my veins; he needs to pay for what he has done. Lasers from Rey opponent collide with her Lightsaber and yellow sparks spit into the atmosphere. I charge my blaster and aim it, ready to fire.  
That is when I notice that filing from a nearby enemy ship pours out more cloaked, dark figures.  
Rey isn't facing Kylo; no it's the Knights of Ren. There are five of them all together and they all approach Rey. Her mouth moves but her words don't reach me over the commotion above and around me. Rey does not seem overwhelmed, but capable and focused. I run the rest of the way to her, firing the weapon. My ears pound with the crackle of the lasers and the burn of adrenaline blocks out the sirens and alarms that blare around us. I knock down one of the knights, but it only draws their attention to me. I am able to dodge their lasers, and stand beside Rey. I try to lead us to cover, but every move is cut off by trying to avoid lasers from troopers and Knights all around us. Some Stormtroopers fire at the X-Wings, but fail and end up getting shot down first. Rey defends the both us the best she can.

"Finn, get down." she shouts and I immediately follow her order, bending down and feel the heat of the laser fired from one of the blasters singe the top of my hair. As soon as I hear the sound again I feel the warmth of her body as she launches herself to protect me, deflecting another laser and it hits one if the knights in the chest. She hunches over me and it takes a moment but feel a burning sensation radiate through my leg: her lightsaber is pressed against my thigh, and I instinctively jolt away from it.

As if in slow motion her weapon contracts and her body slips off mine, and she stumbles back. I frantically look at her breathing heavily, her eyes locked on mine, a laser rushes past me, but I do not take any notice. Her eyes brim with tears, her hand is clasped over the left side of her body, her fingers holding the bottom of her ribcage, and she looks at me almost begging for forgiveness. She extends her right hand and holds out her lightsaber, for me. I feel myself become frantic, rage and confusion bubble inside my body. I flicker my eyes back down to see a vibrant red soaking through her pale tunic.  
I now have hold of the lightsaber as I take it from her open palm. I feel the power buzzing, flowing into my veins. I turn to face the knight who shot Rey, standing poised, both hands on the hilt. The buzzing of the crystal activating sounds, and I feel a calmness enter my soul. As if anger is unobtainable, the feeling floods me with power and a sense of ease. Above all else it makes me feel as if I have more strength than humanly possible and I have complete control over it.


	57. Chapter 57

Time catches up to me and my feet are charging towards the masked creature who shot Rey. My reflexes move the Lightsaber with ease and I deflect bullets and lasers without my mind needing to comprehend it.  
I reach my black cloaked opponent; I avoid a laser by bending down and strike his legs down with ease.  
At the first chance I get to take my focus from the knights I look at Rey who has tried her best to stumble into the forest but she has collapses amongst the wildflowers.

I take a deep breath – keeping my promise – I resist the urge to run to her.  
I then twist around instinctively, my saber destroying the bowcaster of one of the other knights.

The pilots have gained the upper hand and have shot lasers into the troopers whose blasters have targeted onto me. I ready the saber to face my next opponent when I feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Air gushes past me as an X-Wing takes down the knight in front of me, and a few of the Stormtroopers that are fleeing from the barracks.

I notice the battlefield empty as the troopers cowardly rush onto the large ships they arrived on. The wounded knights follow suit, leaving their dead unceremoniously on the tarmac. The saber closes and I turn my back on the masked and cloaked men. Without warning the green glow ignites and my arm leads my body around to deflect a blaster from one of the knights struggling against death on the asphalt. The laser shoots right back into his chest, and I feel I've done him a courtesy to end his suffering.  
Without looking back I rush over to the edge of the forest where Rey's body lies peacefully. Her blood dripping into the flowers around her, her hand is still clasped against her side. The burning green glow disappears inside the hilt and I shove her weapon in my pocket as I bend down. With one knee in the grass and the other foot firmly planted into the ground for support. I gently scoop her into my arms, one arm behind her knees and the other holds her back. As I stand her head dangles violently to the side, so I roll my shoulders and bounce her up slightly so her head falls against my chest. Her hand slips down and fully reveals the wet pool of blood soaking through her clothes. I can hear her breathing, which is a comfort, but it is wheezy and irregular.

I carry her unconscious body through the barracks, and feel myself plummet out of the extraordinary aura I was encompassed in whilst I used her Lightsaber. My adrenaline slowly decreases as I try my hardest to carefully, yet quickly take her to the infirmary; which I am sure will be full to capacity as soon as the wounded pilots return.  
I hear the scurry of feet, and the groaning of a lot of men and women. I tap my foot, impatiently waiting for the sliding door to open.

"Is that really necessary? Put her in there." A nurse says to me quickly, gesturing to an empty room.

"She's been shot, she's unconscious, bleeding and I'm not putting her anywhere unless I know she's going to be looked after," I stand my ground, trying not to let my arms shake.

"Fine, take her down to the second ward,"  
The nurse rushes off when a loud beeping erupts. I do as she says and manoeuvre through the crowd of wounded soldiers. I carefully walk her down the stairs, being sure to hold onto her tightly so she doesn't slip from my arms.

There is more commotion down here, it's busier and I the people blur into blood and bruises mixed with tears and burns.  
I approach the droid at the desk, emotionless and indifferent to the suffering around us, I replay her injuries and the droid concludes she needs urgent attention and sends me to take her to the front of the line.

"Starla," I call as soon as I see her, her short blonde hair swishes as she turns her attention towards me. Her calm features flicker with distress at the sight of me, sweaty, my jacket tarnished with scotch marks and holding my world in my arms.

"Finn," she is concerned, her stress free facade broken.

I look at her with a pleading expression, "Please, you have to help her," she nods.

"Come with me," she disappears into the mess of frantic people, some sniffing others groan in agony. I try to keep up with her as best I can.  
"Put her in here, and I'll make sure someone comes to," she pauses, searching for the words "fix her up," I nod, trying not to think about what she means by 'fix'. I lay her on the bed, as gently as I can.  
I kiss her forehead, refusing to discover the feeling of kissing her lips when they don't kiss me back. I kiss her once more on the forehead, running my fingers along her cheek before I reluctantly leave the room.

The pulse of adrenaline still pumps through my veins, but I can feel it dwindle with every step.

I try to make my way up the stairs and out of the infirmary. I take a deep breath as I rush down the halls and back outside.  
White armour glimmers under the floodlights and resistance army uniform is dull, blending slightly into the tarmac.  
The remaining pilots suddenly appear, the ones capable of walking support their fellow comrades. Medics rush around me, pilots and soldiers on stretchers, being wheeled into the barrack; there are too many people to count.  
"Poe, where is Poe Dameron?" I ask loudly when the pilots are in earshot.

One shakes his head, gripping tightly onto his friend, "I don't know," his voice is strained.

"I saw him go down, but haven't seen him since," I hear a woman's voice but I can't see her. I nod once, I start surveying, I see a few plumes of smoke and leaves that are still burning.

"You should get that looked at," the first pilot adds looking down at my leg.  
I look down and notice the hole in my pants, singed skin burns a dark red with hints of purple and the fabric has melted into it. Instinctively I reach down and touch it, the skin squishes slightly and it stings, but it is bearable, oh that's fine.

"Thanks, it'll be alright," I address him with a smile and he looks at me suspiciously, raising an eyebrow before dragging his fellow pilot along the tarmac to the barracks.


	58. Chapter 58

I continue on the path I was on, into the gloomy, forest. The realisation that my leg is burnt plays on my mind and as the adrenaline drains from my veins an agonising pain shoots up my leg with each rushed step.  
I stagger between the trees, trying not to trip in the darkness. My leg going slightly limp, but I push on; knowing Poe would do the same for me.

The lights from Base don't reach this far into the forest, and the moon isn't bright enough to seep through the trees, so I am unable to rely very much on sight, I need to use my other senses to guide me through the forest.  
I can smell the fumes of oil and burning grass before I hear the beeping of alarms and sirens, indicating - as if one could forgot - that they crashed and there is damage to the wings and engines. I follow the sounds and prominent odour until I see the glow of fire and emerge between a few trees and find his wreckage, there is just enough moonlight to see because the light in the cockpit flickers on and off.

"Poe!" I call out, looking around the surrounding forest for his ejected pilot seat. I did not see him pull the lever and escape, so I assume he released himself in the canopy of the trees and fallen somewhere close by.  
"Poe!" I shout, there is a bang on the metal of the X-Wing. I rush around the entire circumference of the destroyed X-Wing, BB-8 has shut down but there doesn't seem to be much wrong, besides his antenna is bent. I can't seem to find where the sound comes from.

"Poe?" I call a bit softer than before, there is a louder bang and I walk to the cockpit, there are small holes in the glass and smoke and steam seep out from the holes.  
I hear a loud, wheezy. "Poe..." I can't believe it, he is still inside. He hits the metal again to confirm my realisation.  
"Are you okay, what do I do?" I call over the obnoxious beeping. The knocking is my only response, maybe he can't speak... He coughs violently over the sound of the alarms.  
The pain in my leg is causing my head to spin…  
That's it…  
I fiddle in my pockets for the saber. It activates and breathes focus back into my body. I feel strong and capable as I carefully shatter the remaining glass.  
Plumes of smoke erupt and waft out; I wait for it to dissipate.

I'm welcomed with the sight of Poe, but it takes a few second of the light flickering before I become aware that he is trapped. A couple of the metal beams supporting the glass have caved in and somehow they have bent and punctured his seat, maybe even impaling his spine. I cannot move him; this type of evacuation needs to be completed by droids. Who knows what damage I could cause if I moved him.  
The saber contrasts and I feel the strength leave my skin as I put it back in my pocket.

"Hey Poe, you're going to be fine, I'm just going to go and get some help," I breathe out heavily, his expression is fearful but understanding. He knows he is in a bad way. He doesn't move, and I'm glad because that means that he won't cause himself any more damage.

I take a few deep breaths trying to focus before I stumble out of the dark forest and back to the infirmary. It takes a few tries but after I am finally about to explain Poe's dire situation in full the droid in the emergency evacuation team. I refuse to stay in the overcrowded and loud infirmary and force myself to join the evac.

When we return to Poe he has passed out, at first I feared he'd died, but they were quick to confirm he still possessed a pulse, but it was slowing.  
I use the saber to cut away as much as I can, to give the droids easier access to him.  
I feel a sickness gurgle inside me at the sight of his blood staining the floor of the cockpit, and the constant pain of my leg. I remove myself from the crash and lean against a tree, I look down, the burn is worsening; there are blisters and pus which oozes from the open flesh. I close my eyes, my hold on reality dwindles. I look back seeing the top off BB-8's head poking out behind the cockpit again, I wonder why he didn't evacuate when he could have; he could have some serious malfunctions from a crash like that. I take a few deep breaths before I decide to shakily return to the infirmary.

"Finn," Starla's voice captures my attention as I am about to make my way to the second floor. "Rey's not down there," she doesn't meet my eye, rather looks down the stairs I was about to walk down. She continues before I can ask where she is, "She's having a small operation to seal any internal wounds. Why don't I take you to the room she'll be in when she comes out? She shouldn't be long," Starla frantically looks around, this is unlike her, I need my firm and reassuring nurse back.  
I follow her down a corridor I didn't realise existed, and into a relatively large room with three beds. Two have more monitors and machines than I have ever seen, and are parallel to each other with a space in between. The other bed is in the opposite corner running against the wall, with no monitors. I collapse onto one of the chairs near the end of the third bed, my injured leg extended.  
"Every time." Starla states quietly, and I look up at her, too sick to respond. She doesn't explain herself, just exits the room.

She returns a short time later with a portable medical kit. I rest my head on my hand and clench my jaw as she peals the fabric of my pants out of the burn. I flinch a few times and my knees start to shake with discomfort. Starla takes out a large pair of scissors and cuts off the pants leg high above the burn to insure she is able to clean it and not have any material irritate my skin.  
She takes a pair of tweezers and plucks out the fabric, occasionally she unintentionally pinches the sensitive skin and an involuntary whimper escapes my lips.  
"This will hurt," she says but I don't answer her. She takes a white puffy ball and soaks it in liquid; I close my eyes at the moment she moves to press it into my burn. Searing pain ricochets in every direction, passing through my entire body and my leg jolts and stiffens at the same time.  
She does it multiple times. "It's a lot easier when you're unconscious," she mumbles, referring to when she must have applied this treatment to my back and shoulder. I'm glad I was in a coma too, because this pain is horrendous.  
Starla repeats the process using different liquids in the kit, each time it elicits a different response. Some chemicals irritate my skin, others cause intense pain. The next few however, are cooling and calming; therefore I'm not expecting when the last one burns my skin causing my eyes shoot open in agony.

"Sorry," she states through her teeth, obviously frustrated as well. I squeeze my eyes shut as she rubs in some ointments, but I can't feel them.  
She covers the large burn with plaster and quickly and tightly bandages my leg.  
"There you go," I nod to her, breathing in and out of my mouth to try and calm myself. She closes all the blinds and leaves the light on a dim setting before closing the door. I yawn, my closed eyes watering as I open them tears form and sting my tired eyes.

Involuntarily and unexpectedly I inhale a sharp, shaky breath and I it causes me to sob. I don't even feel the tears prick my eyes they form too quickly for me to stop them. They relentlessly roll down my cheeks and neck and drip onto my shirt as I rest my forehead on my hand.

I might lose both of them tonight… Rey is in surgery, that laser wound wasn't far from her heart. Poe has puncture wounds in his back, and I don't know the real damage they caused. I quietly sob, shaky breath after shaky breath, alone in this large, dark room.  
I cry over everything that's happened, not just the events of tonight. Everything I have been endeavouring to balance collapses down upon me and I struggle to breathe through the ache it causes. This thunderous silence echoes in my ears and in heart and permits my mind to wander.

What if I had shot the defence cannon before it released its missiles? Poe wouldn't have crashed.  
What if I hadn't fought beside Rey? She wouldn't have had to protect me as well as herself.  
What if I hadn't left the first Order? Then none of this would have happened. Rey would have died on Niima Outpost when the First Order firebombed it in search for BB-8. Poe would have died on Starkiller Base when Kylo Ren deemed him disposable. I would have continued blissfully unaware of their capability to love me, and I wouldn't be in this state of aching numbness and devastation.

After I wallow in my own self-pity for an hour my tears dry and my fingers tingle. I am becoming extremely angry, so wrathful that I want to throw my fist into the concrete wall.  
Before I am able to act I feel pocket hum quietly against waist. I reach my hand inside my pocket and take out the lightsaber. I hold it in both hands gripping onto it, ready to use it to destroy something that doesn't have much value, but I can't seem to do so… I take a few deep breathes as I hold it, it soothes me, and I feel the white hot adrenaline drain out from my veins again. For the second time I wonder if maybe it's the Force that will be my calling like it is Rey's. I hold the saber close to me and allow it to fill me peace.


	59. Chapter 59

All my nightmares have ever known is Kylo Ren, and what is capable of or what he has done. However, it is not he who haunts me now.

I am alone walking through the darkness. I see a single light shining to the side of the path I'm on. Poe is pacing across the grass. I try to step from the road but I can't. There is a cliff and I can't reach him before he slips from the edge of a precipice, falling into the abyss.  
My feet keep me walking down the path. I see Rey standing at a cross intersection, as I approach her she turns from me and walks down a different road, to follow the old Jedi ways.  
I step further down the road and see a stall, I walk up to it, about to ask for help out of this place when I notice the display of BB-8 completely dismantled, his pieces and hard drives scattered for sale.  
The man in the store lightly shakes my shoulder in encouragement. I open my mouth to speak to him but can't form any words. I feel my shoulder shake again and this time I wake from my heavy slumber.  
My eyes adjust to the dim light and see Luke looming above me. I move to sit up and my leg cramps, so I end up staying slanted and gazing up at him.

"You've been out of it for a while,"

"Are Rey and Poe okay?" I immediately ask, and he nods once. "How long is a while?"

"10 hours," my lips part in shock, I look around the room frantically, trying to find the nearest exit to find them. "Stop," he presses my shoulder back against the chair. Then I notice the two occupied beds and the rhythmical beeping of many machines. "Rey has a few broken ribs which punctured lung but they were able to operate, she's stable," he points to the right bed. I'm too slouched down to see her face but I know it's her. I sigh.

"What about Poe?" Luke's stoic expression wavers slightly.

"He's critical," my ease over Rey's condition drops away at the words.

"What happened?" I look at the other bed observing the increase of machines, more monitors and more wires.

"The steal punctured his spinal cord."  
I am curious as to why Luke is retelling these messages to me, but I assume he was seeing Rey.

"Why didn't he eject from the cockpit? He would have been okay..." I mumble half to myself.

"The connections were lodged, he tried but they didn't release," I stay silent, an unease that I think I witnessed the tampering occur eats at me. I remembering how I watched Koden tighten parts of the cockpit, Poe would never have realised until he needed to use it.

We are silent for a long moment, Luke looks in the distance, and I relive what happened on the battlefield. I attempt to make sense of everything, but one thing in particular stands out.

"Luke," I request his attention and he waits for me to continue, "How did you know you had the Force?"

"It was always a part of me, in my blood so to speak, it isn't something that you can know; it just is."

"Do I have it?" I whisper, restraining the hope that Rey and I could be similar.

He laughs to himself, not in a mocking manner though, and shakes his head, "Sorry to disappoint you, Finn, but no."

"It felt like I did, while I was fighting against the knights, it was unlike anything I've experienced. What else could it be?" I ask, searching his expressionless features.

"I think you'll find the answer is in your hands," I look down and notice how I still hold Rey's saber.

I look at the detailing on the hilt. I start at the top, the metal is shining silver and a thick band of it has no markings, but a bit further down I see two deep grooves that criss-cross over each other, creating small circles all the way around. In the middle of the saber is a strip of black metal with no markings at all. I look down at the next etching which is a series of a few lines running parallel and around the entire saber. The metal fades to a dull gray with small markings and swirls which wrap around the bottom of it. I look back up at Luke, then back down. For the first time I see a glimmer of a smile in his eyes.

"I don't understand," I admit. It's beautiful, but I don't see how this would explain anything.

"I think you do," he assures me. I wish he'd give me a straight answer, at least once. He then goes to walk out of the room.

"Please, Luke, can you just tell me?" I whisper loudly.

He shakes his head twice, "You need to look deeper, past what you see," he pushes open the door and walks out, leaving me with two sets of beeping monitors. I decide that I will look at the saber later, and awkwardly stand up, my healing leg is stiff. I grab my chair, flinching at the screeching noise it makes against the concrete as I drag it between the two beds. I can't seem to look at Poe for very long, his strong body cloaked in a medical gown, with numerous wires and patches gauging his vitals. He has tubes in his mouth and nose, his neck in a brace and his eyes puffy and bruised. Small cuts are scattered across his cheeks and his lip is split. I place my chair down so that it is tilted more towards Rey.

She is also in the medical gown, tubes in her nose; I take hold of her cold hand, intertwining her fingers with mine. I brush the hair off her face, her skin sticky. Even though I'd been asleep for hours I'm still tired, so I move even closer to Rey and rest my head next to hers, close enough that her hair brushes mine. Although I have the beeping above me as a constant reminder she's breathing it isn't enough, so I ever so carefully place my hand against her chest, where her heart is, avoiding the puncture wound below. I sigh in relief as it beats softly into my skin.

I wake to her fingers twitching in mine, so I lean back to watch as her eyes move behind her eyelids and her lips twitch in a tiny smile before she frowns and mutters a few words, "I'm sorry," she blinks her eyes open, "I broke our promise," she clarifies. It had not occurred to me that she let her emotions control her actions in her attempt to save me.  
I laugh and take my hand from her heart and cup her face, turning her slightly to face me. Her beautiful green eyes are dull and ringed with exhaustion. I lean forward and press my chapped lips to her forehead.

"None of that matters, just as long as you're okay," I whisper.

"What happened?" She mumbles still trying to find her voice again.

"Finn, here, always saves the day," I turn my attention to the door to see the General walk in.

"Leia?" Rey sounds unsure, her head turning in my hand to look at her.

"You got yourself a good one," she chuckles and winks, Rey blushes.

"I know," she tilts her cheek out of my hand and kisses my palm. I realise they're referring to me and I flicker my eyes down and try to conceal my embarrassment. "What did he do this time?" She asks; her voice still groggy.

"Finn was able to shut down the corrupt defence weapons and disable the database so the Stormtroopers couldn't access any more of our vital information." Rey turns her head back to face me.

"That was you?" She's surprised but I'm not offended. I nod, her eyes shine and I realise as she bites her lip that she is proud, not surprised.

"That isn't all-" Leia is about to lead into further explanation, but Rey cuts in.

"You defeated the knights, didn't you?"

I shrug, "A couple," I admit, giving myself some credit.  
Rey turns her attention to the General, and she returns her expression.

"So that's a yes?" She asks for confirmation from the General who purses her lips and nods.  
"You don't have to be modest," Rey looks at me again.

"I wasn't, they fled when the pilots gained the upper hand," I look between the two women and feel as if I have no chance of convincing them.

"Why don't you tell Rey how she got here?" The General's suggestion is more of an order so I comply.

"I carried you," I state matter-of-factly, not seeing its relevance. For some reason Rey's expression softens and she melts into my touch, and I don't know why.

"You carried me?" She repeats and I nod, not seeing what the big deal is. "Thank you," I furrow my brow but smile at her. Maybe she still isn't used to someone coming back for her, but her well-being will always be my priority she must know that by now.

"I need to say thank you as well," I look up at the General. "You saved the resistance and many of its members, including Poe - for a second time- we're indebted to you, Finn," I look over my shoulder where Poe lies unconscious, tubes and wires keeping him alive.

"I just did what I thought was right, General," I try to defuse her gratitude because I don't want anyone to feel indebted to me.

"You chose wisely," she has a hint of a smile on her lips.

I give her an affirmative nod before I shift slightly in my seat, careful of my bandaged thigh. She nods at each of us before heading towards the door.

"Wait, General Organa…" she turns around, "Where is BB-8?" She frowns.

"He is being looked at by the mechanical droids unit, a few of his circuits were damaged as a result of the crash. He should be fully operationally, but some of his database may be wiped." I don't get a chance to respond before she quietly leaves the room after a quick glance at Poe.


	60. Chapter 60

"Are you feeling okay?" I finally ask as I give Rey my undivided attention. Her eyes are heavy, and she blinks slowly.

"I've been through worse," she confesses and I huff, looking down at our joint hands.  
Her skin is still cold but I can feel her warming from my touch, and I have to wonder if I am able to fill her with some light like she does to me.  
"I'm just sore, and tired, but it will pass,"

"Can I help?" Rey's lips twitch up and she creases her brow in surprise at my offer.

"Just don't leave," she pleads and I pull the chair closer to her bed.

"I'm not going anywhere," I kiss her cheek and she smiles widely, I brush my lips down her jaw lightly. I want to kiss her, properly, but I don't know if I should; _would she even be able to breathe?_ I rest my forehead on the bed, my hair pressed against her face.  
She's in a lot of pain, I can tell, but I don't think there's anything I can do to help her.

I'm sure the hard surface of the medical bed has caused her back to stiffen and muscles ache because I can feel the way she shifts uncomfortably, however, she doesn't complain. Rey takes our joint hands and brings them up to her lips, she kisses my fingers and I smile at the tingling sensation. I snuggle in closer to her neck and I press a couple of tender kisses into her skin before I stop.

"Finn?" she asks quietly.

"Hmm?" I mumble into her neck.

"Are you okay?" I sit back so I can see her, taken aback at her question. She tilts her head so that she looks at my leg, then back up to face me.

I nod, "Yeah," I say the words as I realise the constant burning sensation.

She shakes her head, "I have eyes, what happened?" She holds my gaze.

"It was just a blaster shot, it's fine," I don't know why the lie falls so easily from my lips, and I feel guilty as soon as I say it. I just don't want her to feel responsible. She looks down at the bandages and I notice how strange it is that I have only one full pants leg.  
I look back up at her.

"We're such a good pair," I can tell by her tone that she's being sarcastic but I can't help but see the truth in it.

"We really are," I whisper and she smiles dreamily before looking at my lips which I instinctively lick, my teeth tugging at my bottom lip while I stare at hers.

"Hurry up and kiss me dammit! I can't move," She grumbles and I don't waste any more time. I take my free hand under her head to support and guide her as I lean down and press my lips to hers, she relaxes and I try not to smile.  
She's so cold and I'm so warm in comparison, it takes some time for her lips to figure out what to do again, but before long she's got it all worked out. I run my tongue along her lips and she deepens the kiss by opening her mouth for me.  
Our hands rest on the bed, I find it so much more intimate to kiss her while our fingers twist together.

I've forgotten that Poe is unconscious only a couple of steps away but I'd like to believe he wouldn't mind even if he was awake.

I continue to guide her head around where I want her to go and she giggles when my fingers get tangled in her hair.  
"Stop laughing at me," I groan between kisses, trying to escape her knotted locks.

"Make me," her challenge shifts something inside me and I want to prove to her I can.

In between light kissing I respond, "You shouldn't say that, because I know how,"

"Go on," she giggles; damn she's cute.

"If I start I won't be able to stop," I confess. I kiss her deeply, taking her bottom lip in mine and biting softly as she is half way through sighing into me she stops and tears her lips from mine. She focuses her attention towards the door and I do the same to see Luke standing there. Rey's flushed cheeks turn a deeper red. I feel embarrassment itch up my neck and settle into my cheeks too.

"Master Luke..." Rey's voice breaks a little. He stands in the dimly light room by the door.

"I'm disappointed in you," he addresses her. My brow furrows. Rey puts some space between us, leaning slightly away. I tighten my grip on her hand so she can't take that away and she squeezes back, reassuring me she wasn't planning on.

"Why?" She says quietly.

"You know why?" He shows a lot more emotion in her presence. His normal expressionless demeanour has vanished and he has his brows raised and adorns a look of dissatisfaction. I glance at Rey and notice the way she looks down. "You told me this wouldn't be an issue," he gestures his hand between us and I sit up a bit straighter.

"It isn't-"

He cuts her off, "You've become reckless, Rey," she keeps her eyes low.

"It's not entirely Rey's fault," Luke turns his attention to me. "I didn't have any way to defend myself; Rey had too much to focus on,"

"So you're admitting this is your fault?" he enquires, the beeping of all the machines confuse me and if takes a while to gather my thoughts.

"Yes, I should have removed myself-" his gaze in intense and it weighs upon me.

"Stop, dammit Finn," I look at Rey her eyes blazing before she directs her focus to Luke.

"I followed my instinct; that's what you thought me," she is assertive, but I see no anger in her, she glancing back at me, "It wasn't your fault, don't go there," she mutters quickly before turning her head back to Luke. "My feelings may have driven me to become more reckless, but you cannot stand here and tell me you wouldn't have tried to protect the people you love. I know the stories Master." She says firmly, and it puts him in his place; I watch his disposition alter.

"You need be careful," he says quietly.

"I know, I need to carry on your legacy, but I also need to do what my heart tells me, and we know they align," he nods.

"Yes, but your safety is paramount," I am not offended by his thinking lesser of me, because I agree with him.

She shakes her head, "To you maybe, but to me, Finn's well-being surpasses mine," she tries to suppress a yawn. I squeeze her hand, she is exhausted she shouldn't be interrogated like this.  
I also can't help but think this is an extreme compliment coming from Rey. A girl who grew up alone and had only herself to protect, no one else mattered to her. Now, she lies here wearing a medical gown in an infirmary stating she has decided I am important enough for her to risk her safety for.

"We've discussed this, Rey," Luke tries to reason with her; he mustn't know her well enough if he thinks he can succeed.

"I know and I told you, Finn comes first. I'm not going to lose him again," Rey chokes out the words and I can tell she's fighting against the tears that glisten in her dull eyes. All I want is to do is hold her and let her sleep.

"You must be careful, you know my tales, and you know what came of my irrational and impulsive decisions," Luke's tone has changed and has softened. "When you're able we will meditate together," Rey nods.

"I would like that," she says with genuine happiness, the tension between them dissipates. I wonder if maybe they usually meditate separately and that is why she seems comforted by his offer, because it sounds daunting to me.


	61. Chapter 61

Luke and Rey converse for a little while, and I focused my attention on Poe, I watch the way his heartbeat runs across the screen and his oxygen pump rises and falls.

It has been silent for a long time now. I can still sense that Luke is in the room as well, but I hope if I don't make eye contact he will quietly leave.  
I don't have such luck. "Finn," I turn my attention to him and we look at each other from across the room he still has not moved from the doorway. "I did not intend for any offence," he says sincerely and I can't help raise my brows in surprise.

"We're all good," is all I can think to say, he gives me a questioning look at my choice of words.

"Rey is very special, she needs to be protected, not put in danger," he says clearly, with a hint of accusation.

"I know she is, I do try," I see him open his mouth but he closes it again. He's quiet for a moment.

"She is important to me, and seeing her in this way, does evoke emotions I should supress," he admits, and I flicker my focus to Rey, _should she know this?_ Her eyes have closed, and she seems to already be in a light sleep. I don't notice the way I smile until I look back towards Luke and his stoic look returns, causing me to frown.  
"Have you told her that you love her?" He asks. I am unsure if he can sense that I do, or if he is asking for another reason.

"I have," I can't help but smile at someone else knowing the way I feel.

"Did you mean it?" His question doesn't sit well with me.

"Of course, I wouldn't have said it otherwise." I remember the way the words slipped so easily from my lips, like it was a common fact.

"Good, because I don't want to console her while she cries over you, again," I feel my unease grow over knowing I was the reason for her tears, but it develops into a sickening nausea at the thought of crying to _Luke_ … I bet he wouldn't even bat an eyelid if Kylo Ren walked through the door, let alone care that his apprentice had her heart broken.

"I never wanted to be the reason for her tears, I only wanted what was best for her," Luke takes a deep breath.

"Rey seems to be under the impression you are what's best for her."

"I need her, I shouldn't speak for her, but, I know she needs me as well,"

"Finn," Rey mumbles and I look down at her, fast asleep, mouth parted and her eyes twitch slightly behind her eyelids. I can't seem to wipe the grin from my lips, perfect timing. It seems she wants me near her even in her dreams.

"Hmm," Luke's expression is full of contemplation as he turns around and exits the dimly lit room.

I have the urge to hold Rey, pull her onto me and have her sleep in my lap, but I know I can't do that.  
I also have the desire to make her feel as good as she did on the vanity in the hotel. I know I shouldn't think about that while she's in so much pain, but I can't help but see a resemblance in her peacefully state now and the way she looked while I touched her. My mind wanders to new places, other ways I could make her feel that way, I feel small knots start to die deep inside. I lick my lips, my mouth dry. My inappropriate thoughts are interrupted as Rey tries to turn to lie on her side. Her expression changes from one of peace to one of dreary anguish. She squeezes her closed eyes and whimpers in pain before turning to lie on her back again. I rub my thumb across her hand in a soothing manner. But she doesn't wake.

I watch her as she sleeps and my stomach starts to grumble at me, and I slip my hand carefully from Rey's and decide to go in search of some food.  
I glance back at Poe and Rey before closing the door and hobbling out of the infirmary.

The dining hall has been destroyed, the tables flipped and the chairs broken, the food supple ransacked. It is extremely busy with everyone who is capable of assisting in its tidying. I steal a piece of fruit from the crate sitting near the conveyor belt.

"Finn," I turn in the direction of the sound to see Starla dusting her hands together after sorting through what's left of the food, she approaches me.

"Hey," I greet her calmly.

"May I have a word?" She requests drearily.

"Sure," I take a bite of my fruit as I follow her out of the busy hall. She looks flustered, her hair is messy and her eyes are bloodshot.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I'll be fine, it's the infirmary. We're swamped-" she takes a breath so I interrupt.

"Do you need my help?" I query, and she sighs heavily.

"That is what I was going to ask. There are so many people who are injured, especially the rookies, they weren't ready, not for such intense combat, their bodies aren't used to the force of gravity yet, their muscles have gone into shock."

"Okay," I accept, but she doesn't seem to acknowledge me.

"Not to mention the blaster wounds, and the broken bones-"

"Starla," I say firmly, "Okay," her eyebrows twitch in appreciation.

"Thank you," she stutters over the words, I take a note from her book and don't respond, not wanting to draw attention to what she just said. Instead I envelop her in my arms her head resting on my torso; she really is tiny. I do not say anything, nor do I move, I just holding her close, and she seems to melt into me slightly.

"How's Rey?" she mutters into my shirt after a long moment.

"Exhausted," Starla nods against my chest.

"Poe's in a bad way," I voice the words for the first time, and it makes me nervous.

Starla pulls out of my arms and straightens her medical uniform, "I know," she doesn't meet my eye. "We don't know just how bad the damage will be until he regains consciousness." I close my eyes, I don't know how he will cope if he won't be able to fly again.

"How would you like me to help?" I query, taking my mind away from the worst case scenarios.

"Rehabilitation: the nurses are too busy to teach the rookies and injured squads how to regain their strength and movement. The only person here whom has gone through a similar type of muscle trauma, is you." I can't help but feel slightly honoured that I could be considered eligible to teach them.

"I can do that, when do I start?"

"Tomorrow?" her voice rises in a questioning manner.

"Tomorrow is fine with me. I have some conditions," I add and Starla raises an eyebrow waiting for me to explain. "I get told the moment Poe wakes up," Starla smiles and nods.

"Easy," She says happily,

"And Rey and I get our old room back," Starla shakes her head.

"No," I flinch back and snort in confusion.

"Why?" I didn't think my request was unreasonable.

"You don't want to stay here, you haven't from the moment you woke up-"

I interrupt her, and she groans – old habits never die. "Rey wants to stay." I state firmly.

"Will you ever let me finish my sentences?" She grumbles and I shake my head, and she sighs in exasperation. "You two can stay together; we wouldn't dream of separating the two of you," I smile. "The General has been in the process of organising a housing unit at the back of base for weeks. That way you won't feel like you're part of the First Order, and Rey in still able to have contact with everyone here so she won't feel alone like she did on Jakku." I guess that is what the General meant when she said I always had a place here.

"So this has been planned for a while?" Starla smiles and then nods.

"The General is very capable of seeing past our facades," _How did she know I would return?_ _All I've done since I arrived is leave again_. Starla notices the way I seem withdrawn. "She wasn't certain, but she knew from the moment she met you, Rey is tethered to you and you always find a way back together. She thought having a place set for you would be encouragement so you know you're welcome,"

I feel as though I must thank her, for her consideration and forward thinking. "What do Rey and I do in the mean time?"

"There is a spare bed in that room for a reason. It for you, it didn't take much thought to know you wouldn't want to be apart from Poe and Rey," Everything has been thought out and planned and I've been oblivious to all of it. "Plus, you'll be up bright and early to start rehab, won't you?" She raises a brow and I smile

"Yeah, I will,"

"For now, you can always help clean up the military compound, half that mess is your fault," She laughs, but I'm don't really understand what she means.


	62. Chapter 62

I do as Starla recommended and head down to the military compound.

People come and leave the compound and I look around the auditorium and debriefing centre. It is a mess: broken equipment and blood stains are splattered on the concrete but people are too busy to pay attention. Wires are severed and sparks crackle, there's smoke and a lone, beeping alarm which has its power cut when I start to walk in. Papers are scattered and holograms are pixelated and flicker.

The troopers mustn't have liked when I shut down the power, the consoles are destroyed, bullet holes puncture the controls and laser scotch marks have damaged the connections.

The General sits alone and sorts through some holofiles at the back of the room, so I limp through the commotion to approach her. I am unaware if I am out of line interrupting, so I awkwardly stand near her.

I shift my weight and she notices me from the corner of her eye and she glances up to me before looking at the files again.

"Sorry, General?" I drag the words in a questioning manner.

"That's the matter, Finn, everything okay?" She's distracted but her tone is pleasantly concerned.

"Yes everything is fine," my honest answer would be longer, but it wouldn't be appropriate to express it to her. "Starla said I should come and help, I'm just not sure what I could do,"

"Sanitation?" She asks

"Pardon ma'am?"

"On Starkiller Base, your job was sanitation, correct?" She continues to direct her focus on the files, not paying attention to the way I begin to fret. _How did she know?_ _Does she know I also jeopardised the entire resistance mission by lying and saying I would disable the shields without possessing any capabilities._

"Yes, General," I answer quietly, and she keys in a few details into a holofile.

"Take a breath, Finn," she laughs and I can't seem to do follow her order. "Now why don't you go help clean up the mess? Be careful, and leave the electrical side of things to the tech-team," I nod and do as she says. I feel her eyes on me as I walk away.

I help clean the best I can; lifting and moving the broken equipment I can manage with my bad leg. I help a few women by holding the door for them as they each carry broken console panels into the halls. A few men sweep the dust and broken glass into a corner where I then begin to collect it and put it into a garbage droid.  
A few hours pass and we are given some rations for lunch, majority of what food is left has been given to the infirmary so they can feed the hundreds of injured patients.

I then resume assisting to make the compound as safe and clean as possible. I grovel under the main console centre and begin to collect any large pieces of broken metal and plastic on the floor. I burn my fingers and get a shock when I accidently grab hold of a large exposed wire, I flinch and hit my head on the top of the keyboard as I try to evacuate. "What did I tell you?" I see a pair of shoes standing close to me. I shuffle out from under the console and glance up to see the General. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, a smile laced with mockery dances on her lips.

"Not to touch the controls," I grumble as I assess my red fingers.

"Well yes, but I also said be careful,"

"Sorry, General Organa," I say as I shakily stand to my feet.

"Come with me," she does not await my response, so I obey and follow her into one of the small conference rooms. It is very similar to the one that she and Luke spoke to me in after who happened with Kylo Ren.  
I stand in the door as she takes a seat in the middle of the long table. "Sit down," she pats the table beside her so I sit next to her.

"To begin with I need to thank you again for shutting down our missiles, if it wasn't for you we could have well lost our inter fleet,"

"You're welcome, I didn't want to see anyone else go down like Poe had," the General nods and takes a deep breath. She cares for him, it is obvious in her the way she shifts her weight.

"I'm sure you've been wondering what exactly happened here last night,"

"I can't say I have put much thought into it, General, it hasn't been on my mind,"

"You deserve a debriefing just like everyone else has received. I told Rey earlier today, and believe you should know as well. That way I can answer any questions you may have thought of," I nod along with her words.

"Thank you."

"Hux assumed we had brought Ben here," I do not correct her, and I wonder if she realised what name she chose to say. "He invested in the help of an old Clone army to seize the barracks and find and return Kylo Ren. When they were unsuccessful they sent for reinforcements – that was around the time you arrived – they were sent and they began to look through the databases for any records. They are too foolish to think we would keep such files. The Knights knew Rey and Luke would be a threat, so they tried to dispose of them. However, you seemed to be able to assess their plans and counteract them," I stay silent absorbing the information.

"I just wanted to help…"

"You succeeded, and I know it came at a great cost for you personally,"

"We all made our own choices last night, everyone has been affected," I feel as though the General is about to say something, but she purses her lips and waits for a moment.

"You have a kind heart; I hope you decide to stay with us,"

"I know where I belong now. It took too long for me to figure it out. My place is with Rey,"

"There is no one I trust more to protect her,"

"I'm sorry I let you down," General Organa retracts slightly as if stuck by the words and she quickly shakes her head.

"No you did not, there is a lot more than our enemies that she needs protecting from,"

"What do you mean?" I search her face but her expression gives no clues. Like brother like sister.

"She needs to be protected from herself, shown that there is more to life than loneliness. I know you have already accomplished that," I look down at my hands and smile. "Luke may think strength comes from withdrawing from emotions, but Rey needs it. Rey needs you, to remind her there is something worth fighting for,"

"I think your right," I'd agree with anyone who approved of us. "I hope I don't let you down, General," I meet her eye again and notice how her eyes shine.

"I don't foresee it," I smile a small smile. "Go get those burns looked at, you've done enough for today,"

"Yes ma'am, thank you for your time." I stand and exit the room.

I get some burn ointment from a droid before I return to Rey and Poe's shared room in the early evening.

I push open the door and am hit with the warmth. I see Rey's bed tilting her into a forward position. _I wish I had an adjustable bed when I was stuck in here for weeks_.

Rey seems to be asleep so I quietly walk over and stand near Poe. For the first time, fully taking in his condition and his bruised face, my heart aches as I relive the way I watched him fall from the sky. I brush a few locks of his raven hair from his forehead, his face has a dark shadow of a beard. I touch my smooth jawline and wonder why the First Order modified us to never grow facial hair. I sigh as I lightly grip onto his shoulder, like he would always do to me. I don't know if I do it to reassure him or to reassure myself.

"I thought you'd left again," Rey's groggy laugh makes me jump slightly. I have a feeling there is some honesty in her sarcasm.

I shake my head and smile softly, "Nope, I'm still limping around,"

I huff in exasperation as I sit on the edge of the spare bed, "Busy day?" She asks after watching my every move.

I take my shoes off, "Yeah definitely, I think I'll sleep for a week," I laugh and Rey's smile is small. I apply the creamy balm to my finger tips and then put the container on the bed.

"How did you cope stuck in a room like this?"

"I thought of you, it made me work a bit harder," her eyes shine in the dull light. "How's Poe?" I ask, and she shrugs.

"A few nurses came in to adjust his medication and monitor him for a while but there's no news," I hang my head a bit, "Sorry," she adds and I shrug.

"Thank you," I can't look at him for very long before having to avert my eyes.

How am I supposed to tell Rey what the Generals has planned for our living conditions? _Do I just say it?_ I'm extremely nervous about it for some reason. I put my head in hand hands and rub my tired eyes.

"Is everything okay?" I look up, sniff and nod.

"Yeah, just tired," she doesn't seem convinced, I'm not either.


	63. Chapter 63

"Finn, if there is something on your mind you can tell me. Did something happen?" Her voice fades towards the end.

"No, nothing happened," I slide up and off the bed and stand awkwardly in the middle of the room. "You can get in my head, why don't you ever do it?" My tone comes out harsh and chipped but I didn't intend for it to.

She is taken aback by my words, and loosely crosses her arms. "Why would you think I would do that, Finn? You and I both know what it's like when someone starts rummaging through your thoughts..." She's defensive and I look down.

"I'm sorry, I just thought-"

"You thought wrong, if something is the matter I want to hear you say it, not take it from you," she declares and I sigh.  
"So, are you going to tell me?" She presses.

"It isn't even anything to be worried about. It's good, a good thing," I can't seem to shake my worried feeling and I'm not sure why. It's quite warm in the room so I shift uncomfortably.  
She quietly awaits the explanation as I walk over and sit on the edge bed near her.  
"General Organa has a unit being made at the back of Base, for us to live in… Together…" Rey smiles widely and laughs a little and my worries melt away.

"That sounds amazing. It's better than good, don't you think?"

I grin and nod, "Yeah, definitely, I just didn't know how you'd feel about it,"

"I wish you weren't so hard on yourself, and realised I'm not going to push you away again."

I smile even wider and take her hand that doesn't have any monitors on it. I uncross her arms and bring her hand forward so I can kiss her fingers.

I can't take the warmth any longer so I slip my jacket off. I throw it over Rey's legs and she shouts out in pain.  
"What was that?" She groans loudly. Her face contorting in pain as she jerks forward which causes her wound to stretch.

I quickly move my jacket again and see that the metal of her saber had collided into her shin. She flickers her eyes away from mine as she takes it.

"Are you okay?" I ask and quickly rub her calf so that it doesn't bruise.

"Yeah…" She mutters.

"I'm pretty good with that one too," I laugh, referencing our old conversations when I complained about her returning Luke's saber.

"I thought you would be," she says quietly.

"What do you mean?" I continue to laugh as I ask the question.

"What's mine is yours," her voice is even quieter, but I hear her and my eyebrows twitch.

"Pardon?"

She holds the saber out to me, "Take it," she offers. I take it with my free hand, immediately I feel its energy start to pulse in my fingertips.  
"You feel it don't you?" I look up at her tilting my head a little to emphasis my confusion. "The way it reacts to you, the strength it gives you," I nod quickly and she smiles a little.

"But Luke said I don't have the Force," I confess, and she squeezes my hand before she nods her head.

"Look at the markings on it,"

"I did, I don't understand them,"

"Look at this one," she points to the overlapping lines that are etched into the shining silver and I run my thumb along it, I feel the warming light slide into my veins.

"Us…" I utter before I even realise I had, I continue to look at the metal.

"Us," she repeats.

It all fits in place.

I had looked at the markings the wrong way. If I'd read them from the bottom to the top than it would show Rey's story.  
The swirls at the bottom: the sandstorms of Jakku.  
The small vertical etchings: a reminder of the days she used to spend waiting for her family.  
The parallel lines... I notice now one is a lot more faded than the rest, _Han_ , I think to myself. I see one groove which is much deeper. I run my fingers over it _me,_ I can feel it in the way my skin reacts when I touch it.  
Then there is the band of black. When Kylo knocked her out, I assume.  
Finally etched into silver and it's the intertwined grooves. "Us" I repeat once more, almost silently.

"It's no wonder it responds to you; you're just as much connected to me as I am to the Force," I feel as if the saber is weightless in my hands now that I understand.  
I take her hand and place it over my one which holds her weapon. Her pale skin against my dark skin holding the warm metal is almost too much for me to cope. There is too much energy, and so much light that I think I'll glow forever.

Our eyes meet as we look up at each other.

"I didn't realise I could feel this way," I admit.

"Neither did I…"

We both know we aren't just talking about the saber.  
Rey takes her hand away and I lean forward to put the lightsaber on the small table next to the bed. I leave a small kiss on Rey's check before I lean back again. She has a light blush on her cheeks.

"Do you know when you'll be able to leave?"

"I'm still being monitored; they need to make sure I don't start bleeding internally,"

"Okay. Starla has organised for me to start a rehabilitation clinic, so I'll be gone during the day, but I'll just be down the hall if you need me," Rey eyes sparkle and she grins.

"Finn, that's great!" She is overly excited and it makes me smile.

"Yeah, I have to help get the rookies back on their feet,"

"You'll be great at it," I smile shyly and feel my cheeks heat.

"Thank you."

Rey and I continue to talk for a little while and then our dinner is brought in. Rey's portions are a lot more substantial compared to mine, but she definitely needs it. The dark circles under her eyes and the way she shakes occasionally is proof of how drained she is of nutrients and sleep.

I take the bed clothes from the end of the bed and head to the small restroom. _Why couldn't I have had a room like this?_ I think again, instead of using a washcloth and soapy water for weeks.

I change out of my strange pants that Starla mutilated, and dirty shirt and turn on the faucets. I drown out the sounds of Rey and Poe's obnoxious monitors and step under the warm water, sighing into the peace. I keep my bandaged leg out of the water as best I can as I wash away my sweat and the dirt from the forest. I spend a while just letting the water coat my skin, it is refreshing and cooling so I take a few moments to appreciate it before I finish washing myself and step out.

I hear voices outside but I can't hear them over the beeps of Rey and Poe's monitors. I dry myself and change into my bed shorts; I pull my shirt over my head as I limp out of the bathroom.  
I stop in my tracks, my face falls once I see a few doctors and droids rush around Poe's bed. Rey is talking to one of the nurses and I stand alone watching as a few of the machines are switched off and his bed is rushed from the room.


	64. Chapter 64

"Finn," Rey's voice pulls me back to reality because I had escaped into my own mind.

We are alone in the room now I hadn't seen anyone else leave. I look at her and she sits up a bit higher and I see that it causes her a lot pain, but she pushes through it.  
The empty space in the room seems to match the feeling in my heart. Rey extends her hand and my feet take me to her side. I sit on the chair near her bed and she grasps onto my hand. We sit in silence.

"What happened?" I finally ask.

"He stopped breathing, so they tried to resuscitate him and they're taking him to the emergency room."  
Rey doesn't tell me not to worry, because she knows I will. She doesn't tell me that he'll be okay; that he is stronger than this, because she doesn't know, and neither do I. Rey always chooses her words carefully, everything is thought out and logical in her mind, and I wish I could have her conviction.  
My lip shakes so I bite down on it. Rey let's go of my hand and runs it into my damp curls, her fingertips drawing soothing motions into my hair.  
I want to be closer to her, so I move to the edge of the chair and lean my head to rest against her chest. I watch Rey's stomach rise and fall as she breathes calmly, her fingers twist my curls around.

Suddenly her hand stops and she shifts me off her. I glance up at her and she has moved to the opposite side of the small bed, she is cautious not to tangle any of her wires and cords as she shakily stands off.  
"What are you doing? Do you need help?" I fret and stand up from my chair.

"No," she replies kindly and then pats the empty bed. I do as she silently requests and carefully lay on it, it is still slightly upright. Then she climbs back on and she is careful of my leg and I'm careful of her broken ribs as we curl up on her bed together. I end up with my legs straight and my upper body twisted so my head is in the crook of her neck and Rey has her legs curled up against mine and her upper body is flat on the bed so she doesn't stretch her stitches. We seem to fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. My left hand is linked with her right one under the sheet that is brought up under my chin. I kiss Rey's almost healed neck, my right arm extends over our bodies and I trace circles into her hip. She kisses my forehead and I snuggle in closer to her.  
She can't move her other hand very far because of all the wires and monitors so she leaves it resting on her stomach.  
I take a deep shaky breath and Rey sighs kissing my forehead again.

I'm not sure which one of us dozes off first but we both end up falling asleep, our hands linked and our heads resting together.

I wake in the early hours of the morning to the sound of the door opening. I make eye contact with the nurse who holds it open, and she smiles, assuring me not to move.  
She steps inside and Poe's bed is rolled back in, he seems to have more tubes and wires and monitors; if that is even possible.  
I don't move, trying my best not to wake Rey, who has rolled partly onto her side so she is curled up around me.  
They reconnect Poe to the machines in the room and do not pay much attention to Rey and I. They quietly leave and the first nurse smiles once more before closing the door as she walks out. I hold my breath as I try to decipher between Rey's monitors and Poe's, soon I hear the whistle of his amplified breathing and see the beating of his heart on the screen.

"Finn," Rey's voice is barely a whisper. I look at her and realise she is still fast asleep. I relax back into her. Even in her sleep she is weary of my bandaged leg as she slips her leg between mine, rolling further into me. I smile and move my head so hers slides down onto my shoulder. She snuggles in closer and I do the same. I take a deep breath and slowly fall back asleep.

I groan and squeeze my shut eyes when I feel my shoulder shake. I roll my head in the opposite direction and bury myself into the warmth of Rey's chest. For a moment I forget about her injuries and bring her closer to me, holding her tightly.  
Rey unlocks our still combined hands and shifts so she can use it to run through my curls.

"Finn, you have to wake up," Rey coos quietly.

"Get up," I hear Starla clap her hands impatiently.

"Tell her to go away," I mumble.

"Come on, these rookies aren't going to fix themselves," she is so chirpy. It's too early for chirpy.

"Why can't they get fixed when the sun comes up?" I grumble.

"If you opened your eyes, and stopped crushing Rey, you'd see that the sun has indeed risen," I shake my head.

"Ten more minutes?" I plead, "My leg hurts," I lie.

"Too bad, if you could run around the forest looking for Poe you can teach some kids how to walk again," I grumble. _Where did my considerate Starla go?_ The one who was worried she pushed me too hard when she let me exercise by myself for the first time.

I ignore Starla's comment, "Am I crushing you?" I ask Rey.

"No, don't worry about me. You were looking forward to it, come on," she is so gentle and it only makes me want to stay even more.

"5 minutes?" I bargain.

"No," Starla and Rey say simultaneously. _They are going to get along great._

I reluctantly pull my face out of her chest and look into Rey's shining green eyes, "Kiss me?" I request almost silently. She presses her lips to my forehead and I frown.

"There, now you have to go. I have some consultations and check-ups soon anyway," I sigh and pucker my bottom lip. "Come on… Don't do that," she lightly runs her finger over my lips. "I'll still be here tonight; we can cuddle up all night long. Promise," I can't stop my grin from taking over my entire face. Rey's smile is so soft and loving, I steal a quick kiss from her and she blushes, I then awkwardly roll and twist out of the bed.  
Rey looks small and lonely and I just want to crawl back in next to her.

I frown at Starla, silently complaining about having to leave Rey, but all she does is hide a smirk.

I limp down the hall, following my old nurse to where the administration desk is. It is loud, and busy, the beeping of all the monitors overlapping gives me the beginnings of a headache.

Starla has to check something, so I look around and see my old room. It is occupied with a mature pilot; he lifts some weights and seems to know what he's doing.

"Okay," I turn to see Starla beside me. She has lost her happy expression and it has changed to one of agitation. "You have six rookies," she passes me the corresponding number of holocharts. Her eyes flicker behind me and then back at me. "You see this corridor?" She points down the hall to the rooms running along the far wall.

"Yeah,"

"In each of those is one of your patients, you need to work your way down the corridor each day. You spend one hour with each one and move on to the next. You start at 9 on the dot, with an hour break at midday."

"Sounds like it will be very repetitive," I admit and Starla nods.

"It will, but every patient has something different and we really can't spare any more staff,"

"It's okay, I will try my best. Do I just teach them what you taught me?" I inquire.

"Precisely, start off with the basics, most will be eager to get out of their beds and try to rebuild their strength. You need to be wary of their limits because they won't know how much they can take," she looks at me seriously. I remember how sore I was when Starla let me exercise and push myself for the first time.

"Okay, I can do that."

"Each of your holocharts has the patients name, room number, and which area is most affected by the muscle trauma," Starla starts to look around the busy infirmary.

"Alright, got it!"

"Here, take this," she shoves a pager into my hands; I turn it over a few times. "It is in case something happens to Poe. We will contact you, like you requested," I grin and shove the pager into my shorts pocket.

"Thank you," Starla is quickly focusing more on what is going on around us, then to me, "Well I better start," I offer and she nods quickly.

"I best be off, I have some postop patients to attend to."

Before I have the chance to answer she has disappeared down the hall towards the staircase.


	65. Chapter 65

I look at the holocharts and order them correctly, I then find the one that is for the first room and read the man's injuries. He has lower back trauma.

I walk into the room and it is a few minutes before 9, I hear the impatient tapping on the metal side of the cot and I introduce myself to the young man.

"Can we hurry up, I need to get out of here," I suppress a laugh at his irritation.

"You will, but we have to do this right otherwise you'll be suck in here longer, okay?"

He huffs, "Alright."

I help him out of bed and set up the equipment he needs, I teach him how to do some squats to loosen the muscles.  
I spend the hour when him, showing and helping what to do. I tell him to rest for a while and begin the stretches again in the afternoon.

I arrive in the next room the woman has shoulder and neck pain so I teach her how so roll her shoulders to loosen the muscles before I give her and myself some light weights and show her how to rhythmically raise and lower her arms.

My burnt leg hadn't proved an issue – yet – the easy work outs had not provoked it. It isn't until I go to the third room that I start to feel it ache, but I push that away.

The next woman has from the middle her back down causing her severe agony; she struggles to stand for long. So we sit on the floor together, I put some weights on our feet and show her how to do some basic sit ups. By the end of the hour she says she can notice a difference. I feel myself gush with pride but I try to keep it internal and not let her see how happy her words made me.

I walk out of her room, and it is my hour break, I lean on the wall. I am puffed, three straight hours of a basic work out is really getting to me. I pushed through the pain in my leg but now it is making itself known. I'm sweaty and hungry, but all I want is to curl up with Rey and have her kiss me. I wander the short walk back to her room and notice she is walking up and down the room, pulling her drip along with her.

"Rey," I say quickly "What are you doing?" I limp up to her. "You shouldn't be out of bed when you're alone,"

"I'm not alone," she states, before I can remind her that she is, she gestures to the comatose pilot who needs monitors to keep his heart beating, "I have Poe. He's great company, very encouraging,"  
I shake my head and sigh in adoring frustration; I cup her cheeks and kiss her swiftly.

"Be careful, you just had major surgery,"

"I know," she kisses my lips again, "I know what I can handle," she lightly kisses my cheeks. "You've got all your new patients to look after now, you don't need to add me to the list. I can look after myself," her tone isn't aggressive; she has what's best for me in mind.

"I know you can, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to take care of you," she smiles. "How were you consultations?"

"Starla came in and said the wound is healing and then she scanned it and said all the ribs are aligned and should fuse back together naturally,"

I breathe out a sigh of relief, "Good," I lightly pull her into a hug and she nuzzles her face into my neck.

"What did I do to deserve you?" She mutters to herself.

"I wonder the same thing about you," I confess and she kisses up my neck lightly.

"Okay I think I need to sit down," she mutters and I walk her back over to her bed and she sighs as she adjusts it so it tilts up like a seat. She injects a needle back into her skin with ease, it makes me cringe. She pushes the tubes back into her nose and clips her finger onto the monitor then she waves her hand and two machines start to beep again and the tube attached to the needle starts to drip liquid into her system again which causes a sated smile to overcoming her features as she's filled with relief.

I laugh in shock "Rey..." My mouth parts in disbelieving grin

"What?" She returns my look

"Did you really use the Force to shut down your machines?"

"Yeah I can't walk around with them," she states mater-of-factly.

"You're too rebellious," I respond, my voice deep.

She bats her eyelids, looking at me innocently. "I'm sorry," I half moan half grunt. Part of me wants to cradle her in my arms, the other wants to drag her out of bed just so I can hold her against the wall while I kiss her.  
Rey giggles. Whatever she injected into her arm is taking quick effect. "What are you thinking about?" Her voice cuts into my thoughts just as my skin begins to heat with lust.

"Just about how much I want to kiss you..."

"I like it when you think about that, because it often means that you do,"

"Does it now?" I raise a brow and she takes my hand which has instinctively inched closer to hers. She tugs my arm down pulling me so that we are as close as we can get without our lips touching.

"Yep," she breathes the word softly between us. She is right, because the next thing I do is cup her cheek and bring her lips up to fall between mine. She sighs into me and all my aching muscles relax.

"Sorry," I hear an uncomfortable and quiet voice near us and Rey and I quickly break our loving kiss.

"I have brought you both your lunches; I was told I would find Mr. Finn in this room as well?" She asks quietly her cheeks red.

"Mr Finn," Rey bursts out laughing and the young girl looks mortified. I step away from the edge of the bed.

"Hey, yeah that's me. Don't listen to her," I walk closer to her and whisper: "High on the pain meds," I lean back "I'll take them from you if you'd like," the young girl nods and paces me the trays before she rushes from the room.

I shake my head at Rey who rubs her teary eyes. "You terrified her," I scold and pass her the tray. I collapse onto my chair. I know I could lay on my bed but it is too far away from her.

"I didn't mean to," Rey lowers her eyes, I half smile in understanding before I begin to almost inhale the food.  
"A bit hungry?" She mocks, I can't help but laugh.

"Mmm," I mumble through my full mouth.

"Are you done for the day?" I shake my head and chew quickly so I can answer.

"I have three more patients to see," Rey's shoulders slump and she groans, mixing her nutrient filled slop before eating some.  
"You better stay in this bed, no more wandering around alone," She sighs.

"Yes, Doctor." I shake my head and close my eyes. We finish our meals so I move both of our trays and put them on the table between both beds. Rey pats the edge of her bed and moves to give me space to sit near her. I climb onto the edge and sit on my right ankle, my left foot presses into the concrete floor. I watch as a nurse comes in, walks past us and assesses Poe. She leaves without saying a word to either of us.

I don't realise I am still looking at the door even when the nurse disappears. "Do you have to go?" Rey draws my attention back to her.

"Not yet," I whisper. "What will you do for the rest of the day?"

"Wait for you," she replies honestly.

"I'll be back before you know it," I state and kiss her before she can say anything. When I pull away she still has her eyes closed and her cheeks are rosy.

"Don't have too much fun,"

"I still have half an hour,"

"That's a long time you can spend kissing me," she replies immediately, her voice sweet and I love it.

"You're right," I whisper and lean forward to press my lips back to hers. Her hands cup my cheeks and she leans forward and closer into me. We keep kissing and occasionally Poe's broken body surfaces in my mind, making me feel guilty for being intimate with Rey while he is here. But he isn't really here... There isn't a moment when I don't want to kiss Rey and remind her how important she is to me, but if Poe wants, he can wake up and tell us to stop and I would listen.

"What's the matter?" Rey mutters as she breaks the kiss, our foreheads together.

"I'm worried about Poe," I look down and Rey sighs, kissing my cheek before pulling back from me.

"I overheard the doctors..." She admits. I look up back into her eyes, but only for a moment before I hang my head, waiting for the news.  
"They spoke about how when he first stumbled into the resistance he crashed on his first drill, the entire cockpit caught fire and he survived. They're hopefully, Finn," Rey turns to comfort me. She runs her thumbs across my cheekbones; she frowns, because I am.

"I think he's cheated death too many times."

She brings her hands down my face, under my jaw and tilting my chin, forcing me to look up at her. "So have we,"

"Hmm," I move my eyes down from hers.

"Finn, look at me, please," I do as she asks. "He wouldn't want you to worry,"

I nod. She let's go of me and she leans against the risen bed. I straighten my back and twist, cracking it, I already feel my muscles aching.

Rey pulls her legs up and swiftly tucks them under her, bringing herself up. I look at her with a curious worry. Her knees nudge into my shin and she wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me into her. Instinctively I lean forward and wrap my arms around her waist and hold her warm body against mine. I rest my head on her shoulder and I sigh into her, breathing her in. She takes one hand and runs her fingers over my tight curls. I close my eyes and sigh.


	66. Chapter 66

I'm not sure how long we hold each other, but it is long enough to ease my weary heart.

"You better go," Rey's whisper is strained, and I realise I'd fallen into a light sleep.  
My arms still wrap around Rey's lower back and her hands are still in my hair, but I see the pain in her face when I take my head from her shoulder and look at her.

"What time is it?"

"Nearly one," I groan and feel myself fill with the motivation I need to restart. I slowly let her go and she immediately melts back into the bed, she tries to conceal the relief she feels, but fails.

"Are you okay?" I test her, she smiles and nods. "No you're not…"

"I'll be okay."

"You should have just pushed me off the bed if you were uncomfortable,"

"I wanted to hold you," she rolls her shoulders into the hard mattress. I crawl forward so I can press my lips against her forehead.

"I'll be back in a few hours, don't leave your bed," I order and slowly slide off the bed and stretch up. My shirt rides up my hips as I reach for the sky, I see Rey look at the way my muscles pull taut and I smirk to myself as she instinctively licks her lips.

"I might just have to come and find you," she challenges, and I shake my head before I kiss her shiny pink lips. I start to slowly step away from her bed. "Wait, I nearly forgot," I turn back and look at her. "You have a uniform now," She grins.

"I… What?"

"Yeah, a real resistance outfit. It's on your bed. Starla said you only have to wear it when you teach rehab though," She grins.

I look over at it and see the folded white uniform, quite similar to the nurse's outfits. Deep inside something shifts. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it feels something like belonging. I smile at Rey and strip out of my large shirt and shorts and put on the pants and shirt, it is a lot more snug compared to the baggy fabric I've been wearing these past few months, but I don't think it will irritate my scar.

"I'll be back later," I call happily to Rey as I walk from the room.

I wander towards the fourth ward; I pick up the holocharts that I left on the administration desk before entering.

I help the young man with dark hair and a happy smile to get off the bed. He has severe muscle trauma in his upper neck and lower back. He has bruised eyes so I wonder if maybe he crashed - by the extent of the damage and his lack of mobility I would assume so.  
I can't help but be reminded of Poe, so I say his name at the end of each sentence.  
 _"Nice to meet you Jaeden,"  
"Here, like this, Jaeden,"  
_I mainly help him to learn how to successfully get up and out of the bed, and try a few neck exercises.

My motivation I had woken up with has disappeared and I feel the tired aches come at full force.

The next patient is another man, much older, whose legs got slightly crushed in a crash a few years prior, and are now causing him some issues. I don't have much knowledge in how to regain leg strength, but I will have to learn, so it is helpful for my recovery that we do the training together.

The last patient is a younger lady, she just has some minor injuries but they cover the span of her back. I assume she is my last patient because she doesn't seem to have very extensive injuries. I help her to stretch and by the end of the hour I have signed her discharge forms.

I slump down the halls half asleep after such a long and strenuous day. I don't pay attention to anyone around me, and I don't say a word when I arrive back in the room that night. Rey has the bed tilted slightly down in more of 'bed' shape. I pull my uniform shirt over my head, and fold it, placing it at the foot of the bed, I kick off my shoes as I walk around to my side of the small bed; it's my side because I won't accidently crush her broken ribs, she just has to be wary she doesn't roll onto my burnt leg. I tug off my pants and don't even notice the way Rey stares. I leave them at them handing off the edge of the bed as I cautiously climb in under the sheet, beside her. I can tell she is slightly surprised but welcomes me as I gently snuggle into her, resting my head on her pillow. I sigh and roll onto my left side I ache all over that I don't notice the way my bandaged leg protests to the movement. My cold right leg slips between Rey's, my arm drapes over her stomach and close my heavy eyes.  
She tilts her head presses soft kisses into my face. I think I may fall asleep again but Rey unknowingly pulls me back to the present.  
"How's your leg?"

"Sore. Everywhere is sore," I complain honestly.

"Oh Finn," she fusses, as she runs her fingers through the hair at the front of my head. "Just go to sleep, I'll make sure no one wakes you,"

"Will you stay?" I ask not realising there isn't really anywhere else she could go.

"You told me not to leave my bed," she reminds me and I smile. She reads my mind and kisses me before I can answer. I kiss her back with passion even though I'm so exhausted I still have energy to kiss her.

"Look at you following orders," I mumble between kisses.

"Only from you," the tone in which she responds causes something to spark inside me. Rey rests her forehead against mine; her hand is placed low on my hip as she rubs circles into my bare skin. However, she stops as she adds: "And Luke..."  
I frown as the feeling inside of me simmers out as I realise I have to share her - I will always have to share her - and the thought of him controlling her doesn't sit well with me. She presses her lips back onto mine, and I let her lead the kiss. I part my mouth when she runs her tongue along my lip and feel her warmth spread through me as our tongues find a slow and beautiful rhythm together. Her hand runs up my bare skin until she cups my cheek.

We continue to lovingly kiss each other letting the worries and pains of the day fade out between our quick breaths. Our pace slows and eventually she pulls away and I keep my eyes closed as I hug her closer and rest my head on her shoulder. Her warm hand repeatedly brushes over my ear as her fingers run through my curls.

I am half asleep when she whispers: "The doctors said I can leave in a week,"

"Hmm," I mumble, my mouth continues to move but my brain can't comprehend my words.  
I feel Rey press her lips to the top of my head and keep them there as her fingers lightly tug through my dark hair. My grip on her hip goes slack as I slowly fall asleep half on top of her.

I feel myself being rolled and moved but I can't seem to open my eyes, my body heavy, shaken from a deep sleep. I grumble and groan but suddenly my eyes immediately snap open at the prospect of Rey needing something, or someone to protect her. But my open eyes meet darkness, and an empty space next to me.  
I press my hand to multiple places on the flat surface of the bed, as if Rey could be somewhere further up or further down. She places one hand on the bed, but I cannot see where, I see a shadow approach but I relax and I immediately recognise her touch as she caresses my cheek.  
"Shh, go back to sleep," I'm not sure how but my hand lands exactly upon hers when I search for her on the hard mattress again.

"Where are you going?" My voice is strained and crackles with sleep.

"Luke wants to meditate," She whispers and I immediately clench my jaw.

"What time is it?" I protest my eyes slowly able to make out her figure in the darkness. I wonder how they are able to completely drain out the fluorescent lights from the halls and make the rooms so dark.

"Midnight," I furrow my brow.

"No," is all I say.

"I didn't want to wake you..."

"Why,"

"You were so peaceful… and I didn't want to have to say goodbye when I didn't want to leave," she runs her hand down my arm.

"So don't go..." I grumble.

"I knew you'd say that," I feel her lips press softly against my jaw which I hadn't realised was still clenched. "Don't be jealous," she whispers.

"I'm no-"

"Yes you are..." Okay maybe I am, but I won't let her know that I admit it.

"I'll be back in a few hours, you're dinner is still on the tray," she must have eaten without moving me and I can't help but smile at the thought of her compassion. She starts to pull away so I take my hand from hers and easily find her beautiful face so I can pull her back down to kiss me.  
She pushes against my arm lightly, pulling away from me, I sigh.

"Don't miss me too much," she uses my line from earlier and I smile before rolling deeper into the pillow.


	67. Chapter 67

I hear Rey close the door behind her and I close my eyes but feel too awake, listening to the lack of Rey's machines as she unplugged them to find Luke. This makes Poe's monitors even louder. I roll my head from side to side, trying to shake the sounds out. I slowly slip out of the sheet, I feel around the room for the light switch on the wall above Poe's head, it flickers on and I sit in the edge of his bed. I don't watch myself as I take his hand. I hold onto his clammy skin and quietly whisper to him that I need him to wake up. I want to see his dark eyes and the way they always have a mischievous glimmer in them.  
"Come on, you're the best pilot, Poe. You can't lose that reputation, you've fought so hard to keep it," I whisper, hoping my words with encourage him.  
He doesn't respond, of course. Even if he was awake he wouldn't be able to speak through the tube down his throat.

I sit with his unresponsive body for a while, the beeping starting to form a disjointed rhythm making my eyes heavy with exhaustion moment longer before I return to Rey's bed and fall right to sleep.

After about a week has passed of rehabilitating the rookies, and the lady in bed three and the impatient man from bed one have left, which frees up a few more hours to squeeze on the cot with Rey.

I become more and more aware of the toll the hard bed is having on her muscles, she often rolls her shoulders in pain and tries to twist her back to alleviate some of the tension. However, she has gained almost full movement again and she tells me the blaster wound doesn't cause her much discomfort.  
We eat lunch together in her room and spend some time talking at Poe - who is still unconscious and unresponsive. He has quite a few visitors actually; many of his fellow pilots come to the ward and let him know how they are going and what he's missed; even Chewie came by once, but he also came to see Rey.  
Rey and I tell Poe how happy he'd be that the Residence has recovered, and that Rey and I have seemed to find our place here.  
When it just happens to be Poe and I alone I whisper to him that I'm scared about what will happen when all my patients are fully discharged, and if the belonging I feel now will disappear...

The doctors have given Rey permission to leave her bed more often, and she was weaned off the meds and now she barely sits down.  
She looks so much more like herself in her casual attire, and a lot much healthy. When she isn't meditating with Luke she helps the dining hall prepare meals. She has found her routine and so have I.

I am on a two-hour break now and Rey and I are in her ward, I am on Rey's bed, a nurse having just finished applying some ointments and bandage my left leg in fresh cloth. Now he has moved to Rey who sits on my bed with her shirt off. He checks Rey's scar, her stitches had been removed a few days ago. He wraps her entire torso in a tight bandage to prevent any swelling or infection from entering her healing body.

Just as the nurse packs away his provisions General Organa walks into the room, this isn't unusual at all; she often comes and sits beside Poe.

"Good afternoon," I greet her warming, out of the corner of my eye I see the nurse as he walks down the hall and Rey comes and sits on her bed next to me her shirt secure around her body.

"Your housing unit will be ready for you to move into tomorrow," She states and Rey grins.

"So we don't have to stay in here any longer?" She asks loudly unable to withhold her excitement.

"No, not anymore. We just received our new stock of uniforms and sheets, so they will be placed in the wardrobe for you, as of now the beds are bare and all the security precautions must be checked once more also," Rey nods.

"What about Poe?" I ask, and glance at his still body.

"He'll be in here, you can always visit," I nod slowly.

"Are you happy?" Rey asks as I look at her I see her concern. She can't stop her eyes from shinning and my unnecessary unease fades.

"Yes," I reply honestly and she smiles gleefully.

"Can we go?" She begs, I smile back at her.

"General?"

"I can take you for a tour if you wish," Rey is already on her feet, I am surprised by her extreme joy, and I ponder why she is so excited.

It isn't until we leave the infirmary and walk past the dining hall that I realise why. This is one of the only things someone has made for her, for us. A gift unlike any other, after providing for herself for so long she now had a group of resistance men and woman contract her a home. I squeeze her hand which is locked anxiously with mine.  
She looks at me as we turn down another hall. I smile in an understanding manner and she leans into my arm slightly, and it heats my entire body.

We walk down a polished hall I haven't seen before and at the end of the corridor we are met with a large metal door and a key pad.

"I am the only one who knows the code for this door," she confesses, "It's Force proof," she adds and flickers her eyes down momentarily, _Shame or understanding_? I can't seem to tell.  
I feel myself relax, because at least I know that no one with be able to sneak into our room again.

She tells as the six digit code and I repeat it in my mind hoping to pass it into my memory. "It's up to both of you if you decide to share the code with anyone else. In emergency cases the code may be retrieved from my personal, secure, database." We both agree that is an acceptable condition.  
The General bids us farewell and Rey pulls my arm over to the key pad, she presses in the numbers with ease and the heavy door slides up. I feel nervous, in the best way.

"Ready?" I ask trying to hide my wide grin, but Rey sees it and responds by kissing me quickly and nodding.  
I feel it in my heart; and in my hands they shake with anticipation. A flow of pulsing adrenaline and excitement mix and make me feel light headed. I hadn't expected to become so enthusiastic, we have each been given rooms before and been together, but this is different – so different. Now we have our own little house together.

Rey leads me inside to the left is a small living room, with some couches and a small dining table. To the right is a kitchen, a small refrigerator, an oven and stove if we ever wanted to cook our meals. Rey turns to face me and she smiles so wide I fear her cheeks will hurt, but I'm sure my smile is the same.  
We don't say anything as we walk down the hallway, there are two doors on the left side and one on the right, and at the end there is another on the back wall. The first door on the left is a large bathroom. Through the next door is a small laundry room to wash any clothes; I will have to ask the dry cleaning droids how exactly I do that, because I have never had to worry before. There is a small bedroom with one small bed across from the bathroom. I assume this is a guest room, so that only leaves the door at the end of the hall.  
Because we have reminded silent the entire time it gives me time to think about what the first words we say in our new home should be.

I can feel the anticipation grow as Rey reaches for the door handle, but I gently stop her from opening it, she turns and looks at me with concern. I let go of her hand to cup both of her cheeks and she instinctively leans into my touch, I bend my head the small amount I need to and close my eyes as I bring her lips up to mine.

 _Maybe we don't need words._

Her hands rest on my chest and my fingers run into her hair. We move together, my tongue slowly runs over hers and I feel her sigh. Kissing her is like breathing: easy, instinctive and after a while, sometimes I just forget I'm doing it.

I pull away and Rey smiles a little smile. We both reach out for the handle, Rey giggles as we grasp it together.

"Together?" She glances at me for a second and then focuses back on our hands.

I chuckle a little, "Together," I whisper.

We unlock the door and the wood swings back on its hinges; I take Rey's hand in mine again as our new room is revealed. A bed big enough for both of us with small tables on either side it is under the large window at the back of the room. The mattress looks comfortable from here and I haven't felt it yet. There is a walk in robe to the side but it is empty just like the General said it would. There is a door on the right wall and behind it is our ensuite. As I look around the small restroom Rey goes back into the bedroom, "Finn," she calls out and I walk out and close the door, I see her sprawled out on the mattress, her feet dangle off the end. "It is so soft," She informs and I am overcome by the sight of her, arms above her head, eyes closed, she is so peaceful, so beautiful. I pace up to the edge of the bed, and lay down beside her. She is right but anything is softer than the beds in the infirmary.

"Do you like it?" I quietly ask her, Rey rolls her head to look at me, so I do the same.

"I do, do you?"

"Yeah, I do," I reply, and she moves her head closer and I do the same until she reaches my lips and kisses me, her arm moves down from above her head until she reaches my hair she starts to twist my curls in her fingers.

"We'll have to go back soon," I whisper against her lips and look at the clock on the wall, "My break will be over soon," I kiss her once more and stand off the bed. Rey doesn't move so I lean over her, slide my arm under her lower back and the other wraps around her strong arm. I tug her unwilling body up, her feet press into the floor before I pull her to stand up. She groans, rolling her sore shoulders. "One more day, and you'll you can sleep on that," I flicker my eyes behind her.

"That is too long," I shake my head and smile.

"You'll be fine, come on," I offer her my hand and she takes it in hers, and we walk from our little house.


	68. Chapter 68

++++  
 _Thank you to everyone who has stuck with this story, and come this far. We are nearing the end, approximately twenty chapters to go; I hope you all appreciate the ending. I love you, thank you for your support!_  
++++

Yesterday went by slowly, Rey's constant complaining was no help, but if she ever spoke too much I'd just kiss her words away.  
Now it is the early evening of the tomorrow Rey almost made me believe would never come.  
Our joint hands swing as walk down the corridors to our new room which is ready for us to live in.

I can sense it before it happens, Rey is up to something. She's fidgeting and when I glance at her she has a mischievous grin on her lips. I think maybe she is just excited but then all of a sudden she yanks her hand from mine, I stop as Rey stands in front of me. She taps me on the nose and loudly calls, "Tag, you're it," she swiftly turns, "first to our room wins," and dashes down the hall - I wish she wouldn't run she might tear open her wound. It still isn't fully healed, and she is still wrapped in the bandage to help her ribs heal. I'm dumbfounded, by her childish ways.

"What?" I call out to her. She turns around, a large distance between us.

"You have to catch me,"

"I can't really run," I reply and gesture to my leg, trying to hide a smirk. She groans, and pouts, I exaggerate my limp as I walk up to her. When I reach her I grab hold of her cheeks and bring her closer to me, I take her bottom lip between mine and kiss her swiftly, not caring that someone has come out of their room.

I pull away, my lips hovering against hers, "You're it," I whisper before I quickly let go of her and rush down the hall, my bag swinging and hitting my side, I don't look back. _As if she thought I couldn't run_ , I just look weird, and that's confirmed by Rey's giggles.

I hear the patter of her nearly silent footsteps. As she passes me she slaps my butt and laughs out the little phrase.

"You'll pay for that!"  
She just laughs loudly and happily, skipping down the halls. She turns down the pristine corridor especially made to lead to our room, but she has to slow down so she can enter the code. Before she can reach the keypad I catch up to her and I grab hold of her waist. She weakly tries to escape but I know she wants me to kiss her, so I do. She groans as I walk us the small way to our door, our lips still attached. I reach out one hand and slap it against the metal.

"You're it," I whisper defiantly. I don't think she is listening, no longer caring for our game. Her arms wrap around my neck and she steps closer. I carefully lift her and wrap her legs around my waist, her ankles lock tightly as I shift my weight so my bad leg doesn't support much of her. I enter the code and the door opens, I walk us through the living space, hearing the click of the front door as it closes behind us. I carry her straight down the hall to our bedroom, our lips barely parting as I twist the handle and kick it shut once we are inside. I lay her gently on the soft sheets and she sighs, I don't waste any time in dropping my bag and discarding my jacket on the floor and climbing above her, adjusting myself so my leg is comfortable as I bury myself in her neck and start my tender assault. I hold her right shoulder down and my other hand supports my weight off of her injured left side. She holds my waist and grips onto my shirt as I suck on her skin. Her bruises have almost faded completely so I don't have much reminder to be cautious. I nip at her skin then run my tongue along to soothe it. I change the amount of pressure at random places. I start to kiss below her ear; I have missed this little place and I can tell she has too by the way she can't seem to breathe. I try to hide my grin as she moans when I start to suck and bite. My hand that holds down her shoulder starts to massage her and her moans change to sighs of relief. I repeat the motion and the same sound falls from her lips. I pull my head away from her neck and she doesn't open her eyes, rather, she raises his shoulder into my hand.

"Sit up," I encourage and she opens her eyes and gives me an unsure look. "Come on," I wrap my hands gently around her lower back, and I carefully pull her up. I shuffle back slightly.  
"Turn around," she follows my request. She sits cross legged and I grip the hem of her loose shirt, and pull it up her body. She doesn't stop me, but she is still confused as to what I'm doing. I tug the fabric over her head and drop it on the floor; I frown at the sight of the white bandages wrapped around her torso before I pull her a bit closer so she sits between my legs. I press my hands lightly against her shoulders and slowly add a gentle amount of pressure. She immediately relaxes and sits up straighter. I try and avoid the old blaster wound from the trooper on Luke's island: her skin is almost completely healed.

She starts to giggle occasionally, "That tickles," she confesses and I add more pressure and she stops laughing a little "Oh," escapes her lips.

I move my hands down her back slightly and roll my palms against her shoulder blades. I look to the centre of her back but most of her scars are covered by the bandages. I redirect my attention to my hands, rubbing deeply into her; she starts to rock with the motions. Her head rolls with pleasure. I move my hands up to press two fingers on either side of her neck and press small circles around her spine and she can't seem to support her head and she lets it falls forward, releasing a shaky sigh. I kiss her hair as I use my fingers to massage away her pain. Her hands rub up and down my calves and I move back to the groove of her shoulders and her innocently seductive motions cause my blood to rush through my veins. As my fingers rolling over her tight muscles I can feel her relaxing and leaning closer into me.

I can't help but look over her shoulder, and even though her breasts are covered in material, the tight bandages below seem to push them up. I watch as they move up and down as I tug at her skin. I continue to rub her shoulders, until I feel almost all the tightness evaporate. Then my hands start to slip down further, making their way down her chest until I cup her breasts and start to massage them instead. She moans and presses her back against my chest, giving me full access. Her hand stops running up and down my calves but rather she grips onto them. I'm careful of her healing ribs but I don't seem to cause her any discomfort. Her head falls onto my shoulder and she gasps as my fingers run over where her nipple would be – even though she's covered she's still sensitive to my touch. I cup my large palm over her and start to softly and slowly rub her small bust around in circles. Her breathing deepens and her hands start to run up my legs again. I dip my hands inside the material and grasp onto her soft skin, my fingers tingle with the sensation. She sucks in a sharp breath and moans as I rub her. She is so soft it causes my stomach to knot, I don't want to let go. She jerks slightly as I run my fingers over her nipple again.  
She tilts her head a bit closer to me so that her lips are on my neck and she starts to suck and leave wet kisses as I watch her chest heave. I moan and can't help but close my eyes when she kisses along my jaw, leaving little love bites in her wake.  
She pushes against my legs so that she sits up a bit higher and tilts her head so she can reach my lips, my hands fumble around as she kisses me deeply. Rey turns so she is facing me and pushes against my shoulders so we fall down onto the mattress slowly. My hands cup her again and her legs stay between mine as she continues to kiss me. I slowly take one of my hands away and careful of her bandages I move to hold onto her hip, where I rub circles into her bare skin. My other hand leaves her chest and I cup the back of her neck and I twist the small pieces of hair that don't reach the single ribbon at the top of her head.

She rests her hands on my chest, and clutches at my shirt.  
I'm not sure why but she starts to smile against my lips, and I can't help but do the same. But she starts to smile so wide I can no longer kiss her.

She pulls away from me, grinning, "Sorry," she giggles, sitting back and I lean up a bit, "I can't stop smiling,"

I laugh and it causes her hands to move up and down with the movement, "Why?"

"You are so gentle, and I can stop falling in love with you," I blush at her words. She bites her lip and my giddy smile turns to a smirk.

"Can I show you how much I love you?" I whisper.  
Her smile fades and she rubs her lips together then lets her mouth part a little before she nods.

++++  
 _From here on in the chapters will become M rated. This is the only warning I will give! :) I hope this does not deter any readers. I did not initially intend for this to happen, but it turns out that story developed this way._  
++++


	69. Chapter 69

I cup her cheek again and lead her back down to kiss me before I gently roll her onto her back. I try my best to avoid her bandages as I leave a trail of kisses down her body. I kiss down her stomach, to the waistband of her tight pants.  
"Can I take them off?" I whisper, blushing at the idea as I look up at her, my fingertips grip onto fabric.

She blushes but squeaks out a small "Okay…"  
She's different, not as confident as she was that morning on the vanity. I'm not sure how I feel about that.  
I shuffle and stand off the bed, taking a moment to look down at her, her chest rising and falling rhythmically and her cheeks flushed. I grab the waistband and slowly pull them down, I feel myself become excited, and Rey wriggles a little with anticipation. I drop her pants on the floor; believing it is only fair, I take my shirt off so she doesn't feel so exposed. I climb between her legs and hover above her, I watch Rey as she focuses on the way my muscles move with the motion. I lean down and start to kiss her, tongues exploring each other, lips sucking. The passion flows around us and it settles in my core, my blood simmering in my veins.

"What should I do?" I mutter into her neck as I kiss below her ear. She isn't leading me this time and I feel anxious because of it.

"Whatever you like," I stop kissing her but keep my face buried, and take a deep breath. My mind wanders back to the afternoon I watched her sleep and thoughts I had, but I can't seem to remember them, and I don't even know if she'd enjoy them. I know how reproduction works, and the stories I heard cloud my mind for a moment before I push the thoughts away.

"I don't want to hurt you," I confess and her fingers play in my hair.

"I'm not going to break," I'm still unsure what to do, but I'll let my instincts guide me. I start to kiss her neck again and she sighs, gripping onto my hair a bit tighter. I return my hand to her chest and rub around in circles, squeezing sometimes, and she sighs in pleasure. I want to hear it again so I do the same motion. I kiss along her jaw before her parted mouth is met by mine and I gently kiss her while I add pressure to my movements, swallowing her warm gasps. I kiss down her torso, avoiding the bandage and explore her body again, leaving little love bites only she and I will know exist. I feel the heat radiate off her and mix with mine, together we burn and I doubt we'll be quenched.

I kiss down her left hip, and she moans slightly as I add some pressure, so I do it again, before I start kissing down her thigh. Her leg jerks as I suck on her inner thigh and I carefully hold her still to do it again.  
I run my hand down her body to start the movements she showed me on the vanity. I rub my fingers up and down the thin material of her undergarments and she immediately sucks in a sharp breath.  
I continue to kiss her skin as I rub circles over her most sensitive area. Her breathing has changed, I can feel it. My fingertips are teasing and slow and her back aches in rhythm with my movements. I look up from my place between her legs and see her chest rise and fall quickly. Her eyes are shut and she licks her lips, they glisten in the light as a small sigh slips into the air; she's driving me crazy. I don't know what it is but an instinct draws me close to her. I have a throbbing want for her and I barely know what to do with myself. I slow my fingers to a stop and Rey groans but keeps her eyes closed. My fingertips grasp onto the material covering her, I hesitate.

"Please," Rey's begging plea is more than enough encouragement. I only pull them down a little, enough to find the place she loves. I don't take my eyes from her as I press my lips to her, she squirms a little, but her expression doesn't falter. I open my mouth and run my tongue flat against her, her closed eyes flutter as she sucks in another sharp breath. I start to slowly circle my tongue around her, and the sound that falls from her lips is a mixture of a gasp and a moan and I need to hear it again. I scoop her thighs up and place them over my shoulders, bringing her a little closer. Majority of her is still covered but I have just enough.  
I lightly kiss and run my tongue over her again and she sighs deeply. Normally she'd have moaned my name by now, but she seems to be in a completely new place; I'll just have to find my way there too.  
I slowly circle my tongue around and she really starts to lose control, her breathing is irregular and she seems to switch between tense and relaxed. She continues to moan, and she tries to squirm but I hold her still. My slow assault slowly makes Rey more frustrated, she tries to roll her hips into my tongue but she struggles.

"I told you I'd make you pay," I whisper into her and she whimpers. She stops squirming and sighs, her legs relax and she decides to stop enjoying my slow movements.  
It frustrates me how indifferent she looks; I want her on the verge of screaming my name. Dammit, I know she is playing me too. I stop kissing her and sit back a little.

"Open your eyes," I request. I nearly melt when she does, her green eyes are almost black and her cheeks are flushed a rosy pink. At the sight of me between her legs her breathing deepens.  
I smirk as I slowly start to kiss her again, suddenly I start to suck and add a bit more pressure, and she tenses and moans involuntarily, I look up at her through hooded eyes and she has a look of desire written across every inch of her.  
I pick up the pace and her back aches off the bed completely. I add even more pressure and she starts to squirm again. I take on of my hands and cup her again, massaging her chest in circles. She moans and falls back into the mattress before I suck on her and flick my tongue at the same time, she arches higher and higher off the bed. Her legs start to tighten around my shoulders. I start to slow the pace and she whimpers.

"Finn, please," I soothe her with my tongue, "Please,"  
Without warning I press a little harder. She moans loudly and her hands run in my hair, it has never felt so good. I keep the pace and she moans louder, her legs tense up and I suck harder and flick my tongue faster and my name falls into the warm air around us, it is encouragement to add more pressure. Suddenly I watch as she spirals out of control, writhing around under me, struggling to keep a hold on sanity. I maintain the pace as I watch her tighten and twitch around. I watch her lose herself, her head falls into the pillow and she struggles to breathe. I suck on her harder and she shakily whimpers my name again. Her legs relax around my shoulders and I take that as a sigh to slow down. I have the taste of her on my tongue as I lick my lips. I delicately remove her legs from around me, pull her undergarments up the small way and crawl up the bed, beside her. She has her eyes closed and her chest moves heavily up and down. I kiss her cheek but she is too sated to realise.  
I lay beside her flat on the bed, my blood still on fire in my veins.  
I'm surprised when she lazily slides on top of me and straddles my waist.

Her eyes are still closed but she easily finds my lips, and begins to kiss me. I sigh into her and kiss her back as she runs her hands up my bare chest.  
She pulls back, a dreamy smile on her lips and her eyes sparkle.  
She bites her lip, "I want show you too..." Her tone is thick and sweet and I lose the ability to speak.


	70. Chapter 70

"Can I?" She begs and I nod, not being able to form words. Rey starts to move her lips down, leaving tiny kisses down my torso as she carefully slides down my body. The sight is intoxicating.  
She runs her hands up and down my waist as she presses soft, little kisses into my skin causing me to shiver.

"I don't know what to do," she mumbles not looking at me and kissing my hip instead.

"I don't know either," I try to ease her embarrassment, but my nerves make it so my mind shuts off and my mouth keeps moving. "Whatever we are doing definitely wasn't allowed on Starkiller Base. We learnt about how to produce offspring, the basics, but not this. It was forbidden, unless you were part of the reproduction program; which I wasn't. I think I would have been eventfully but I-"

"Finn!" Rey sternly whispers in frustration. Somewhere during my muddled mess of words she had taken my shorts off and now her face is a few inches from mine.

"Hmm?"

"Be quiet," she laughs and kisses my nose.

"Okay, yeah good idea," she kisses my lips causing my words to mumble. I let her slowly explores my mouth. I easily relax into her; she really does know how to calm me down.

"Better?" She queries her forehead resting against mine.

"Yeah," She smiles and presses her lips back to mine. She kisses me lovingly and deeply and the fire burns through my arteries like it always does, whirling towards my core to warm every inch of me. My fingers dig into her thighs and I roll her hips a little but she stiffens and doesn't move as much as usual, she's still sensitive from what I'd just done to her. It feels wrong not making her feel good as well, so I start to kiss along her jaw knowing she likes it when I reach her neck. She lets herself enjoy, tilting her head for me, but it only takes a moment and she pulls back so she can start to kiss along my neck instead. I lean into the feeling of her lips but stiffen completely when Rey's skilled hands find their way down my body; she reaches places she has never touched before. She slowly starts to palm me through the fabric of my undergarments.

"Doesn't that hurt?" She whispers with concern. She stops the movements when she notices how I have become utterly rigid.

"Do it again?" I half ask, not too sure what to make of it the first time. She does the motion again and my eyes flutter a little, and a tiny gasp leaves my mouth. Rey continues to kiss my neck, sucking sometimes. Her movements are so gentle and slow I notice the way I grow harder under her hand.  
"I'll take that as a no," Rey breathes innocently against my neck.

"Hmm," I mutter. Her fingers rub me up and down over the fabric.  
"Rey," I mumble absentmindedly as I see her face behind my closed eyes. I'm overwhelmed by the incredible sensations that I am unsure if she takes my undergarments off or if I am imagining her warm palm around my length but the feeling changes and intensifies. The knots I always feel inside seem to tighten and it sends shocks of pleasure through every inch of me – it feels better than kissing, I didn't think anything could feel better than her lips on mine.  
I don't think I'm breathing as Rey continues her long, slow movements, I don't know how many times I moan or how many time I ask her not to stop because my mind is barely aware of anything besides the way she is making me feel.  
 _Is this how it feels for her?_ Pleasure just like a snowball: it has rolled through my whole body collecting everything in its wake, making me feel light, tightening in my core until I'm on the verge of explosion.  
I reach the edge of a place I've never been, but I know I am about to fall off and into somewhere unbelievable. It only takes another movement of Rey's delicate grip and the visions of what she must look like to send me moaning through my release.  
As I begin to come back I take deep breathes, before finally opening my eyes to see Rey's are dark and shine with desire and surprise at the mess we made, _she definitely took my underwear off_. She kisses me quickly before climbing off me and going to the bathroom, coming back with a towel.

She leaves me to return to reality and wipes me down while kissing my cheeks. She throws the towel in the dirty linen basket and returns to the bed, pulling my undergarments up my legs and kissing my abdomen before pulling the covers over us and lying beside me

I can't stop smiling. "So no one has made you feel that good before?" She asks her fingers brushing through the front of my hair, I shake my head.

"No," I breathe out. I roll my head to look at her. Rey doesn't even try to hide her smirk; she's going to become extremely arrogant from now on.  
"Well actually there was this one time, after you left-" Rey's face drops and her eyebrows crease with the beginnings of anger. "I was frustrated and found a nurse-" her nostrils flare. I can't do it anymore, my lip twitches and I burst out laughing. I roll into her and bury myself in her neck. She is stiff under me and shoves my shoulder, pushing me off her. Her brow is deeply furrowed. "I'm joking," she crosses her arms over her chest.

"That isn't funny," she may be mad but her tone is hurt.

"Why would you believe me?" She doesn't look at me, turning slightly away. I sigh. "Did it look like I knew what was going to happen?" I ask with jest, but she doesn't seem to find anything amusing.  
"Hey, come here," she ignores me and rolls further in the opposite direction. I scoop her up, careful of her wound, and pull her legs over my waist. She really is mad because she tries to move off me, but I grasp her thigh, and with my other hand cup her cheek. I turn her face so she looks at me, but she keeps her eyes down. "You couldn't possibility think there is someone else I want besides you?"

She shrugs, "It's not as if you couldn't have someone else,"

"Where is this coming from, Rey? You're not normally like this," something has shifted in her, and I don't know why.

"I just don't want you to make jokes like that, you know that I regret leaving you enough as it is," she still doesn't look at me. _Does she still think I'm going to leave her?_

"Nothing happened when you left, all I really did was think about you and do my rehab," I rub my thumb over her cheek to calm her and she frowns.

"I'm sorry," she mutters and leans into my hand.

"You don't have to apologise. I left you too, and I shouldn't have made a joke about it, so I'm sorry," she smiles a little bit.

"I've never told someone I am falling in love with them before," she admits. I feel guilty for making it out like I could betray her and be with another woman in a way I didn't know was possible until a few minutes ago.

"Neither have I-" she nods, "-And I don't want to say it to anyone else," I add.

"I'm all yours; you don't have to worry about that." She shuts down the doubts I hadn't formed, and I am grateful.

"Good, because I am all yours too," I whisper to her, almost as if it's her little secret.

"Well it's settled, looks like you're stuck with me,"

"I like the sound of that," I run my hand into her hair and she closes her eyes and smiles.

"I do too," she sighs into my hand before she lowers herself down and cuddles into my shoulder. She wraps her arms under me and holds me against her. I kiss the side of her head as she slides her legs along mine and settles in for the night. If every night was like this I wouldn't want to see the sun again.


	71. Chapter 71

I do in fact have to see the sun again, and it is much earlier than I planned. A shrill beeping echoes around the room. I'm heavy and sweaty, weighed down by Rey's nearly naked bod. She's catching up on the years of restless sleep; she sure does take advantage of knowing I'll protect her.  
I can't help but smile as I remember what happened last night. The images scatter and the obnoxious ringing starts again. _What is it?_ I don't know what to do, I can't move. I don't know where the sound is coming from; I don't know what it is or if it's important.  
Then as if a switch was flicked on inside my mind I realise it is the pager Starla gave me to notify me if there was any news to do with Poe...

I slowly twist my shoulder out from under Rey's head in hopes she will roll off, but she groans and her arms wrap deeper under me, squeezing my torso tighter. She moves her head back and snuggles into my neck again, grumbling to herself about something I can't understand. The alarm rings again and she immediately becomes alert, letting me go and slipping out of the bed to stand next to me; all in a matter of seconds.  
"Whoa, Rey, it's okay, you can stay in bed," I swing my stiff legs out of the sheet and sit on the edge of the bed. I stretch and twist, and my neck aches as I look up at Rey, she still looks tired. Her hair has fallen out of its buns and she shifts her weight to adjust to her instantaneous flow of adrenaline and to help her stay focused.

"What's going on?" I push myself up and pull my shirt over my head, grabbing my jacket from the floor too.

"Something is happening with Poe, so I better go find out if he's okay."

"Do you want me to come with you?" When I look back at Rey she has fixed her hair neatly into three buns. _How did she do that so quickly?_

I shake my head. "You can go back to sleep. I'll be back later," I step forward and grab hold of her waist briefly while I gently kiss her forehead. I rummage through my bag to turn off the pager; I look back to watch Rey sit on the bed.  
I walk out of our bedroom, down the hall, through our little living space and to the metal door, I key in the code it opens. It feels as if I'm locking Rey away when the large metal door closes behind me, but I know she can easily open it from the other side.

I begin the long journey through the barracks, limping past a few more housing units, past some of my old rooms and towards the infirmary. I try to calm my racing heart, I have no idea what I am going to find when I walk into the room.  
When I open the door I see that he is alone, besides Leia who stands at the end of his bed. I look at Poe, he is still unconscious

"General," I address her so she knows of my presence.

"He's waking up; I thought you may want to be here. We don't know the full extent of his injuries, we don't know what to expect," I sigh and hobble up to her.

"Thank you, he'll be okay," she inhales a shaky breath. She nods and blinks a few times. I don't know if I am out of line but I step up to her and rub comforting and small circles between her shoulder blades. She turns to look at me, she is weighed down with responsibilities I wouldn't even be able to list and to top it off her confidant and right-hand man can't breathe on his own. She doesn't hide the admiration she has for Poe, but everyone seems to be okay with that.

I take the chair that still faces Rey's old bed and place it closer to Poe. I gesture for the General to take a seat, which she kindly rejects with a shake of her head. "No, I can't stay for much longer. You take it, rest your leg," I reluctantly oblige and slowly sit down. Just as I do a few of the monitors start to beep louder and a couple nurses rush in.  
They remove the thick tube that is down his throat and adjust a few of the gauges on some monitors. Poe grumbles as the nurses work around us. I hear his heartbeat monitor accelerate and his wheezy breathing deepens. I know this feeling – I had it too when I woke up – not knowing where you are, if you're safe. He seems too scared to open his eyes and find out.

I rest my hand on his shoulder, "Hey, Poe, it's Finn. I've got you," this seems to calm him enough to open his eyes.

"Finn, what are you doing here? What happened?" His voice is thick and his eyes are heavy, his entire body is weighed down with medication. He attempts to turn his head, but struggles because of the neck brace.

"Mr Dameron, please do not move your neck until we have an understanding of your injuries." The young nurse who was so wary and upset when she interrupted Rey and I that afternoon quietly avoids eye contact and does not sound assertive.

Poe is kind to her, watching her every move, "Gotcha," he keeps his head straight but moves his eyes to make contact with me.

"I couldn't let you have all the fun," I answer his question, he smiles weakly. "You crashed," I add simply and he seems mortified at the prospect someone could bring him down.

He is silent.  
His face changes, his lip shakes, he takes a breath and looks away from me. As he does he notices the other person in the room.

"General?" Poe's voice is quiet as he asks for his superior to come closer. I take my hand from his shoulder and sit back against the chair; she then sits on the edge of his bed.

"The doctor will see you shortly," The nurse says quietly, wheeling a few monitors to the side of the room.

"Thank you," Poe says and the nurse nods, blushes a little but tries to hide it by keeping her head down as she leaves the room.  
"How many did we lose?"

"Thirteen," Poe sighs and I see some of the weight burdening General Organa transfer onto Poe's shoulders. The nurses are still working around us.  
The General starts to then rub his leg to comfort him. He looks at her hand, and sighs before he clears his throat discretely.

His voice still breaks when he asks: "What happened to you?"

"Just got burnt, that's all?"

"I hope you got your revenge," I laugh and shake my head.

"It was an accident, she didn't mean to," Poe looks at me with confusion, I've said too much... I don't mind telling him, it's Rey I don't want to find out.

"Did one of ours do that to you?" Poe looks at the General and then back at me. I shake my head.

"One of mine," my lips twitch but I try to supress my smile.

"Rey?" He raises his brows, and ironically my chest puffs with an arrogant pride. I nod and the General looks at me with a quizzical expression.

"I just don't have the best luck when it comes to lightsabers." Poe and General Organa exchange looks of surprise, Poe laughs.

"You can say that again," Poe jokes and I grin.

"I best be off, lots to do," the General squeezes Poe's leg softly before she stands and heads for the door.

"Thank you for being here, both of you," Poe calls as the General opens the door she turns and smiles quickly before leaving.

"You did the same for me," Poe looks back at me, smiling a small smile.

"I guess I did," he replies and we both chuckle.


	72. Chapter 72

"It's good to see you, buddy," Poe says quietly after a short silence.

"It's good to see you too," he closes his eyes and I watch him struggle to swallow. He opens his eyes and his focus is on the ceiling

"So, how are you feeling?" I ease into the question.

"I'm not too sure."

"I understand what you mean, man. I thought we'd lost you."

He scoffs with a smile, "You're not getting rid of me that easy."

"I don't want-" Poe laughs moving his arm slowly, letting his hand fall out of the sheet and off the edge of the bed to rest on my knee.

He pants my leg, "I know," I pull my lips into a tight smile.

The door opens and Poe and I both look over as soon as I see the orange I quickly look at Poe, his expression turns to one of adoration. BB-8 beeps loudly and exuberantly, rolling as fast as his little motor will allow. As he approaches I notice he has scorch marks tarnishing his once pristine shell.

"BB-8!" Poe's ecstatic reaction warms my heart.

BB-8 hums and spins in circles rolling right up to the edge of the bed near where I am sitting.

"Sorry for the rough landing," Poe takes his hand off my leg and rubs the top of BB-8, his big black eye looking up at him.

BB-8 beeps aggressively as if telling him off, before his tone changes and he seems to explain to him what happened in a fast succession of beeps.

"I know, I didn't realise the cannon was on us either."

BB-8 beeps again, looking at me.

"Finn, you remember Finn, and Rey, they brought you home," BB seems to examine me, looking me up and down; scanning me. It takes a little while longer before he turns to Poe and hums sadly.

"They had to adjust his memory systems, he's still figuring some things out," Poe clarifies what I was told over a week ago.

"Don't stress, BB-8, I'm sure you will remember Rey, you had a bit of a crush on her," BB-8 beeps in quick denial; I assume he is saying I have my wires crossed. Poe laughs, but his eyes are dull from a mixture of medicine and something I can't quite place.

BB-8 then turns back to Poe and whirs but I can't seem to figure out what he means.

"I can't," BB-8 hums in confusion, "Sorry, bud,"

BB-8 then seems to ask a question his beeps higher in pitch.

"I don't know if I will be able to, I'll need to speak to the nurses," his beeps almost sound like crying.

"What did he ask?" I can't help but pry.

"Nothing important, just when he'll be able to shows me something in the mechanical compound," I nod. BB-8 vibrates as Poe rubs his head over his head in a comforting way.

"I better let you two have some time alone and let you rest," I stand up.

"Do you have to leave?" Poe mumbles.

"No, do you want me to stay?" I reply.

"I've missed you, is it too selfish to want to spend some time with you?" I immediately sit back down.

"Not at all," I answer with genuine sincerity.

"Good," I smile.

"I wasn't gone very long, but I guess a lot happened around here in that time," I'd barely left the Resistance for a week and in that time a full assault had launched and I had no idea so I'm interested in what Poe knows.

"The moment Rey found out I'd flown you out of the system she was furious," I laugh a little bit looking back at it now. "She demanded that she saw your beacon."

"Yeah," I quietly assure him I'm listening. Even though I already know this, I let him explain it anyway.

"She was quite devastated that you left," he whispers.

"I know," I laugh to defuse the intensity behind my understanding.

"So did she convince you to come back?"

"You could say that…"

"You're back for good?" his hope makes me smile.

"I guess, yeah. I need to keep an eye on you, and make sure Rey keeps herself out of trouble too."

"Where is the feisty little girl?"

"First off I suggest you never call her that when she is around – or she'll make sure you crash your next fighter too," my laughing mockery slips out of my mouth before I think about it. I am about to apologise for hitting a touchy topic but Poe starts laughing too. "Oh, and she's still in bed," Poe raises a brow and half smirks.

"So are you two..." I blush even before he continues, "You know, a proper thing?" I feel like he chose to change his question. I shrug.

"We haven't really discussed it."

"What is wrong with you two?" He laughs a little but coughs violently as a result.

"It's not like I can just bring it up," Poe looks at me like I've grown another head.

"That's exactly what you do, Finn!" He chuckles at my inexperience.

"We haven't really had much time together…" BB-8 continues to purr quietly under Poe's gentle strokes.

"Everyone knows you two can't live without each other. Because when you're apart you both end up walking around in circles, like a droid with crossed circuits," I snort the accuracy is amusing.

"What are you saying?"

"I knew you loved her the moment you told me you needed to go back for her. You need to tell her," I grin because he doesn't know, and I get to tell him.

"I have," his face drops in surprise.

"You told her? I didn't think you knew…"

"I didn't until I said it," Poe presses his lips together to suppress his grin.

We talk for a while longer, about Rey, and he tells me that I need to make sure we are excusive. We are basically dating, but placing a label on it leaves less room for jealousy. After some time two doctors come into the room: one has a notepad, the other a stethoscope around his neck.

"Sorry for the wait," The latter says.

"No problem, doc."

"How are you feeling?" They approach his bedside; the man with the stethoscope comes stands at the end of the bed. The other stands by the window on the opposite side to me, jotting down the numbers and frequencies his monitors display.

"Good thank you, how are you both?" I smile at Poe's kindness.

"Good thanks," the one with the notepad says quietly. He remains silent for the rest of the consultation, instead, concentrating on taking notes.

"I'm well," the doctor responds after his colleague. "Now that you are awake, do you mind if I conduct some examinations?"

"Not at all."

"Sir, if you could please step out of the room…" The doctor turns his attention to me, and I attempt to stand.

"I'd prefer if Finn stayed," Poe states calmly. The doctor glances between the both of us and nods for me to sit back down in my seat, so I obey.  
He starts by making sure Poe's eyes follow his finger from side to side; and testing that he can hear from both ears, and he can.

He pulls the sheet down to reveal his bruised arms, I hadn't notices that his right wrist is in a cast. "Now, can you please move each finger, one at a time," Poe does as requested. "Please lift your arms, and stop if you feel any discomfort," he raises them up quite high before lowering them. The doctor opens his bag and takes out a small blunt instrument. He presses it into the skin of his hand and his fingers jerk almost immediately after.

"Perfect, it seems your reflexes are normal, can you sit up?" Poe nods, and carefully presses his hands onto the bed and sits up." "Excellent. We can take off this neck base." Poe sighs as they peel off the foam. He tilts his head slightly from side to side.

"You could really do with some padding for these rock hard beds," He taps the thin mattress.

"We'll look into that Commander," Poe nods. "It seems the stroke didn't have an effect on your speech or humour. You're lucky." Poe blinks a few times, absorbing the information before he nods again.

The doctor pulls the sheet down to reveal his legs. His shins have bruising, and blood pools beneath the skin, but they seem fine. I smile at Poe but he doesn't meet my eye. The doctor takes the same instrument and pricks Poe's toes. I feel my toes curl instinctively at the thought of the feeling, but Poe doesn't respond.  
The room is silent as the doctor continues to perform his examination. The doctor looks at Poe and he looks back at him. Poe swallows and clenches his jaw before clearing his throat. The silent doctor with the notepad comes over to assess, and I feel as though I am missing something clear because he immediately scribbles down secret words.

"Mr Dameron…" The doctor's tone is concise yet dejected.

"I know," Poe's response is calm, and his lips twitch in a smile that does reach his eyes. Both doctors look to each other for a brief moment.

"It is not uncommon. There have been full recoveries," Poe hums in distant agreement.

"Excuse me, but have I missed something?" I quietly ask. Poe peels his eyes from the doctors and turns his attention to me.

"Let's just say I won't be walking out of here…" I laugh nervously. My amusement fades once I realise he is not making a joke, and there is a much deeper meaning to his words.


	73. Chapter 73

I try not to assume the worst.  
"Well obviously you can't walk out when you're hooked up to all these machines. What do you mean?" My question is ignored. I frantically look between the doctors and Poe but neither of them look at me, BB-8 seems to be content sleeping right beside Poe, and I wonder if he knows. I think Poe told him.

"Don't worry commander, we will evaluate all the information we have gathered and design the most effective rehabilitation plan for you," my face drops and I lose my voice. Both doctors quietly leave.

"Poe," my voice breaks.

"I can't move from my hips down," He states calmly.

"But, no…" That doesn't make any sense – well it does – but I don't want to believe it. "Your place is in the sky," I feel my eyes brim with tears, tears for my best friend whose world has crumbled to the ground.

"Hey, it'll be okay, I'm not dead," he laughs, his brave face seems almost too convincing. I try to blink back the tears but one slips out and I causally attempt to brush it away, but Poe notices.

"How did you know?" I ask barely able to get the words out.

"I can't feel my legs, Finn, it isn't something you miss," He laughs loudly, too loudly.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to ruin our reunion. _Hey, I can't move my legs, how are you?_ It puts a bit of a downer on things, don't you think?" He smiles but I close my eyes and breathe deeply trying to absorb what I feel is almost inconceivable news.

"How are you okay with this?"

"There is nothing I can do about it…"

"I can help, I can fix you!" I enthusiastically cheer as the idea rises into my mind. Poe closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"There may not be anything you can do, and I don't want you to have that responsibility."

"I want to help-"

He cuts me off, "It isn't fair on you, or me."

"What do you mean it isn't fair?" I frown, my brow aches from being furrowed. W _hy won't he accept my help?_

"I don't want to disappoint you."

"You're speaking like there isn't a hope, Poe, you can't give up like this; you have so much to fight for…" I move my chair closer and it screeches on the concrete.

"I will fight, but this isn't your battle, not this time." He looks at me deep in the eyes and nods, telling me this is what he wants. I lean back into my chair, defeated and disheartened.

"What if you can't fly again?" I whisper. I did not mean to say the words I was thinking out loud, but I cannot take them back, and he heard them.

Embarrassment inches up my neck as he replies. "Then everyone will have to get used to me hanging around down here all the time," I laugh at his absurd acceptance, but a have a feeling the reality of the situation hasn't fully sunk in.

I open my mouth to respond but I am cut off.

"Rey!" Poe's voice is excited and I look up to see her standing in the doorway. She doesn't look at me as she comes up and stands near my chair. Her fingers twist together anxiously. She leans down and runs her hand softly over BB-8 who still quietly sleeps.

She stands straight again and shoves her hands into the pockets of her pants. Something isn't right. I keep staring at her, blinking slowly and taking her all in. I squint my eyes as I look her up and down; she seems fine but I can almost feel the way she's struggles. She wants to look at me, but she can't… "How are you feeling?" She asks.

"On top of the world," He jokes.

"You were, then you fell," I am surprised by Rey's brutality but Poe finds it amusing. Rey takes her hand out of her pocket and leaves it in the air Poe immediately slaps his palm against hers before she puts her hand back in her pocket. _What happened between them?_ One moment Rey would reject all affection and now she is joking with my only other true friend.

"Good one," He congratulates her. I look back at her, but she still return my gaze, anxious tickles my skin and I feel clammy with concern. "Don't know if I'll be able to walk though," Rey's eyes twitch.

"No…" She shakes her head. She will be able to empathise with him, she knows this will affect his ability to fly and I'm sure they have bonded over that before. "You're the best pilot in the galaxy, or so I've heard," she laughs but it sounds strained. "I don't think a little trouble walking will get in the way," her tone is weak, and her reassuring smile is small.  
I can't take it anymore.

"Rey," I say her name softly and I can see her lips shake.

"Are you alright? Don't you go crying on me too," Poe's attempt at a joke, and his light-hearted laugh, sit awkwardly in the heavy air.

"Rey…" I repeat louder, with a little more force. She closes her eyes. Poe remains quiet.

"Finn," Rey whispers, she sounds defeated, and I stand to my feet immediately. The chair screeching as I push it with the back of my claves, I look at Poe and he sees the worry I feel inside. "I'm glad that you're awake, Poe, but I-" Rey turns towards me but looks at my hands. "Can I talk to you?" She whimpers. I look at Poe, and his concern is enough encouragement. I nod.

"I'll see you soon," I call quietly back to Poe, and he doesn't bother responding. She walks into the busy hall of the infirmary and begins to walk a head of me, I follow her. It doesn't take long for me to become irritated, my anxiety rising with each step.

I grasp onto her arm and turn her around as we reach the administration desk, "Rey, stop. What's wrong?" she opens her mouth but either she speaks too quietly or not at all. I glance around and notice the vacant room. I gently tug her inside and close the sliding door. She steps into the middle of the dimly lit room. I see her fingers move inside her pockets, grasping and twisting the inner material. I wait for her speak, but she doesn't.

"You're worrying me," I admit, my voice cracks and I don't bother to try and hide it. "Has something happened, in the Force?" I close some of the large space between us. "Talk to me, I can't feel it like you do," She slumps her shoulders and hangs her head. I step closer to her. "Did someone break into our room after I left…" Rey immediately shakes her head.

"No, it was nothing like that," She whispers. I cup her cold cheek in my warm hand, and she places her hand over it and leans into my touch. _Okay, so I haven't done anything_.

"Luke wants me to start training again," Rey mutters.

I am slowly learning not to interrupt, but she doesn't say anything more, so I ask: "I thought you already had."

"Well yes, kind of, but-" She takes my hand from her cheek, and lets me go.

"I'm not going to be mad at you if that is what you're worried about."

"You will be…"

"I'll only get irritated if you continue to use Luke's stupid riddles," I see a tiny smile on her lips and I can't resist the urge to kiss her forehead, "Rey, just tell me."

"We have a mission," she says quietly.

"That's exciting," I say honestly. Rey lifts her head and for the first time in what feels like an hour Rey looks up at me. Her eyes are red and she is fighting tears.

"Exciting?" She wills me to elaborate.

"Is it not supposed to be? Is it dangerous?" I press, searching her eyes.

"It's safe. Luke said I won't even need my Lightsaber so I should be fine without you. But I'll be gone for a few days…" I can't help but laugh and I cup both sides of her face.

"You thought I'd be angry at you because you're going to be gone 'for a few days'? Oh, Rey," I sigh and kiss her, and she can't help but kiss me back.

"I didn't want to leave, not after last night, I didn't want to think I was pushing you away."

"Look, I'm not happy about the fact I have to share you with someone so ancient, but absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"You're such a dork," she giggles.

"I'm your dork," she rolls her eyes, and raises her brows at me.

"Did you really-" I cut her off.

"Yep." Her eyes shine with amusement, and I want to squeeze her as close to me as I can manage, but I settle with a small kiss. "What do you have to do, or is this mission top secret?" I ask sarcastically and she nods. A small "Oh," of disappointment escapes my lips.

"I don't know much, just need to try and bring balance to the planets that surrounded the Republic, without their guidance and leadership they have fallen into anarchy. The King of Physion12 was on Coruscant when Starkiller Base weapon destroyed it, and now his son has taken the throne. He is inexperienced and causing a lot of issues amongst the government. That's as much as Luke has told me," I have a feeling Rey shouldn't have told me, but she trusts me enough and I close my eyes from the overwhelming love I have for her washes over me, I don't think I'll ever accept it. I take my hands from her face and pull her closer to me, she wraps her arms around my waist and she sighs into me.

"When do you leave?" I shift my weight.

"Tomorrow,"

"Tomorrow? That's ages away. Think of all the kissing we can do between now and then," I try to be seductive but it doesn't work in my favour this time.

"It's already past lunch time." I hadn't realised half the day had slipped away while I was with Poe.

"Plenty of time," I kiss her forehead, then her nose, then her lips. I linger for a moment before I kiss her swiftly one more time and take her hand.  
She leans into me as we walk towards the dining hall to get some rations for lunch. "A few days…" I mumble to myself and shake my head. Not realising how much I was going to miss her.


	74. Chapter 74

It was as if the moment I had said goodbye to her on the tarmac I felt a piece of me leave with her. The further she went the more I felt the light drain from inside my heart. I fear what I would become if I was apart from her for too long. Each breath is harder when I know she isn't close by. She told me it was just a harmless mission, and shouldn't take long at all, but I still worried. More than I expected I would. Poe would tell me "That's love," and I never disagreed.

The rehabilitation is going splendidly, another patient was discharged yesterday. My burn is almost healed, I don't need bandages but I ask for them anyway, and I apply ointment every day. It makes it easier to help the man in bed five who has the crushed legs now that I have full movement. Jaeden is still struggling the most, his training takes such a toll on his young body, he is improving, but I think he'll be around a long time.  
I have become closer with quite a few of the nurses and doctors that come and check the patient's monitors. When I go on break if I don't spend time with Poe I will go to the break room in the infirmary, I have formed some bonds with the staff and droids. I don't see Starla often because her breaks don't align with mine, but I often see familiar faces. The male nurse who cared for Poe after he so recklessly tried to fly blind, his name is Ven, and the droid at administration is called XR49P just to name a few.  
Starla has given me another few men and women soldiers who have woken from a coma and need rehabilitation as well. I add them into the schedule, but still end up having time off.

I haven't been in the housing unit since the day Rey left. I don't want to sleep in there without her. It just wouldn't feel right, at least not yet. I sleep in Poe's room on the spare bed, and it makes me feel better knowing I can keep an eye on him, at least protect one of the people I care about.  
I don't see Poe much though; he has a wheelchair now, and his nurse, Evelynn, will come in each morning and wheel him to his specially planned rehabilitation and she wheels him back in after dinner. We don't get to talk much and he changes the subject when I ask about how he is going.  
Each night I feel as though I have stepped out onto Starkiller base without any thermal gear, the cold I feel without Rey is almost so unbearable that I have even thought about snuggling up with Poe, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, but a part of me wants Rey to be the only person I've slept beside.

I regretted it the moment I told Poe I'm worried Rey isn't going to trust that I won't run away again, because now he keeps pestering me to ask Rey to be my girlfriend or make sure she knows I want her so then she won't fear I will abandon her.

I didn't have to tell Poe today is the day Rey comes home. He knew the moment he woke up and realised I had a shower (even though I had one the night before), and completed my discharge holocharts on another patient.

I finished rehab for the day, and Jaeden lets me leave early because he knew Rey was coming back, I didn't have to tell him, he just seemed to know. I feel the joy when I talk about her, it seems to spread warmth from my heart to my toes, every moment that I didn't mention her Jaeden knew I struggle to keep my focus.

*

I have just left the infirmary and it is the early afternoon as I walk into the housing unit.  
General Organa was in here, I can tell.  
She had lit a scented candle, and stocked the fridge and pantry with some food and drinks – nothing over the top, but just enough. I see a note on the kitchen bench.

 _I have made the team install a communication calling video device, if you wish to speak with Rey at any time during her mission._

 _\- Leia_

I groan at my missed opportunity to contact her and hope she wasn't waiting for me, or tried to contact me first. I switch on the screen and fiddle with it to find no missed messages, luckily. I turn it off and walk out of the kitchen and straight down the hall I open the bedroom door, the window is open a small amount, letting in just enough of the breeze to cool the room to a responsible, yet warm temperature.

My fingers tingle with anticipation. I nearly jump when I hear the front door unlock the familiar sliding screech cut the silence. I yank my shirt over my head and drop it carelessly on the floor, stepping out of my shorts. I awkwardly jump onto the pristine bed, crinkling the covers and I put my hands behind my head in a not-so-causal attempt to look like I had not been impatiently awaiting her return.  
I don't hear her footsteps but I watch as the door opens slowly. She pokes her head in and her face splits into a beautiful grin. I resist the urge to jump off the bed and tackle her to the floor; instead I open my arms welcomingly. Rey doesn't stop smiling as she closes the door, drops her rucksack and starts to undress. I can't seem to hold my arms out; I'm weak with excitement, so the drop down and I sit up a bit higher, my heart pounding at the sight of her. I watch her strip only to her undergarments before she clambers up the bed and pounces on me, cloaking my body with hers and kissing me over and over and over. I revel in the feeling of her in my arms again; my hands steadily hold her hips against mine.

"It's good to see you too," I chuckle.

"Shh," Rey grumbles into my mouth before deepening the kiss. I moan, missing her doesn't come close to explaining what I feel when we are apart.

"Rey," I mutter and she pulls away, grinning. Her cheeks are a little red and her eyes shine. "I missed you," I announce with such intensity I watch the words hit her.

"I missed you more," My heart swirls and I pull the ribbons from her hair. Rey sighs and slips down my body, she half falls off me and lands on her side of the bed. Her head rests on my shoulder, one of my arms is wrapped under her and I hold her against my side. I kiss her forehead.

"How was the mission?" I ask rubbing her warm back.

"Good, but not as good as this," She sighs and presses herself closer to me. _Nothing is as good as this_ I think to myself as she kisses my collarbone a few times. "Everything went smoothly, Luke was really impressed," I grin and kiss the top of her hair.

"That's wonderful. How are you ribs?"

"I got them checked by the physician and he was pleased, almost completely healed," she smiles. "Your leg?" Rey asks, looking up at me with a little bit of concern.

I nod, "Better," she leans up to kiss my jaw before she rolls her head back down.

Rey hums happily.

We are quiet for a while, just holding each other Rey's small fingers trace imaginary shapes into my dark skin. I don't think there is anywhere else I would rather be. I want this, I want Rey, and I don't want there to be any doubts about it.

' _I can't just bring it up,_ '  
 _'That's exactly what you do'_ Poe's words swim in my ears.

I clear my throat. "Do you remember when we first met?" I mutter into the peaceful silence.

"Hmm," Rey continues to draw circles into my bare chest.

"And I asked if you had a boyfriend?" Her movements slow a little bit.

"Yeah..." She wills me to continue.

"Do you want one?" My voice cracks but I'm not sure if she heard it. Rey presses her hand flat on my chest and pushes herself up. Her entire face seems to smile, her eyes, her lips, her nose even crinkles a little and I want to live in this moment forever.

"So does that mean if someone asks if I have a 'cute boyfriend' I can say yes?" She squeaks and I chuckle at my premature and heedless attempt at flirting.

"Yeah, If you want to that is," I chew on the inside of my cheek, before I squint and give her an suspicious look "But you know I don't like being called cute," I see her blush a little at the memory of the first time my lips touched her skin back in the infirmary.

"Okay," she chirps merrily before kissing my cheek, "Okay," she whispers again as she leans back. "But, if someone asks, you will say you have a girlfriend, yeah?"

"Of course, and I'll tell them 'she is beautiful'," Rey's lips twitch with happiness, and she's quiet for a moment.

"I'll tell them I love you, and I've never loved anyone like this before," I grin, and feel the heat pulse to my core, she is surprised when I immediately flip her over so she is under me.

"Say that again," I demand staring at her lips, wanting to watch the way they look when she says the words. But she doesn't seem to realise that's what I want because she grasps onto the back of my neck and pulls me down so my cheek is pressed against hers.

"I love you…" She coos in my ear and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end and it sends a shiver down my spine. "I've never said it before, have I?" she is unsure and I take a moment to reflect.

I lightly shake my head, "Not in those exact words. I like it when you say it like that,"

"Why?" She sweetly inquires as she runs her fingers up my neck and into my hair

"Because I like the way it sounds… It makes me want to kiss you," she closes her eyes and smiles a little as she puckers her lips and waits for me to kiss her. I lean into her hair, my hand runs down her waist, and my lips are right by her ear. "Not that type of kiss," I whisper, her hand goes still as my fingers grip onto the fabric of her undergarments.


	75. Chapter 75

I trail my lips down her neck as I slip my hand up her body and cup her chest; she gasps and responds to my touch immediately, wriggling a little.  
"Finn..." She whimpers when I take my hand away. I slide down her body kissing her bare torso as I make my way down. I kiss her over her underwear and she moans. I think I enjoy it more because I notice the way I grow for her this time. I wonder what it would be like if we were to find that blissful place of pleasure together, but I know the stories from Starkiller Base and immediately push the idea down, I feel sick at the thought, and the memories, that I stop and sit back; Rey immediately opens her eyes, frustrated at my unintentional teasing.

"What's the matter?" She asks half-hearted, and slides up the bed so that she sits against the headboard. I climb up the bed and pull her onto my lap.

"How much do you know about what we're doing?" I ask her quietly. I need to tell her the little amount I know, it isn't fair that she knows less.

"What do you mean?" She grumbles, still irritated.

"You know, being intimate, how we work and what happens..."

"Why are you asking me this?" She frowns and shifts in my lap.

"I need to know because I want you to know the small amount that I know, I don't want to keep anything from you,"

Rey clears her throat. "Leia told me," she whispers.

"The General? What did she tell you?" I'm intrigued.

"To be careful," Rey mutters, and I feel a pang of unease reverberate through me. I wonder why she went through all the pain to bear her son, but I'm glad she told Rey.

"Of me… Does she think that I'll hurt you? That's what I wanted to talk to you about," the words all out on top of themselves.

"Yeah, she told me there are ways to make it hurt less but she wants us to figure them out ourselves," I sit back a little in contemplation but I am only more confused.

"What are you talking about?" Rey takes my hand and spreads her fingers between mine and holds on tightly.

"You're trying to tell me about sex aren't you?" I nod, my mouth parted in confusion.

"Yes…"

"I may have grown up alone, but I'm not completely clueless. Leia told me about it, she said there were lots of other things we can do, and she wa-"

I cut her off and complete the sentence, "Was worried that I'm going to hurt you, I'm not going to," I lower my voice. My skin crawls and my blood runs cold as I feel myself being taken back to Starkiller Base. Rey kisses my jaw, and laughs.

"That isn't what I was going to say, but yes, you will," I see a hint of a smirk on her lips and I furrow my brow deeply. She flickers her eyes down to my crotch for a few seconds. I feel my cheeks heat, I'm under the impression she happens to know more than I do. "We will try lots of new things and see what works."

"Rey, I was making sure you knew, I don't want to do that to you..." I shift uncomfortably at the memories as I shake my head.

"What if I want you to?" She says innocently with a furrowed brow pulling back slightly as if I have offended her. I'm silent for a moment; I'd do anything she asked, risk everything for her. She interrupts my thoughts. "It won't hurt every time..." Rey sounds certain but I shake my head.

"You don't know that," Rey opens her mouth to speak but I shake my head and continue, "Rey, my beautiful, Rey," I cup her cheek in my hand and pulls her lips into a frown. "You weren't there, you didn't witness the horrors of the reproduction program; what happened to those forced to participate." I take my hand from her cheek and she stays silent, "They took our strongest women and had them crying less than a day later," I closing my eyes and clench my jaw. Rey shifts in my lap so one leg is on either side of mine.

"Finn," she cups my cheeks, "You aren't there anymore. This is different," my hands hold onto her waist and rub circles into her skin.

"They wouldn't come back Rey. I could hear their screams, through double metal doors. Then the screams would stop, because crying for help is a symptom of non-conformity, and everyone needed to stay in line and know their place." I think this is the most I've ever told her about what it was like living on Starkiller Base and it feels like I'm violating her.

"Finn, look at me," I blink a few times and look into her eyes, "You're not there anymore, I've got you, and I want you because I love you, and I want you to want me too," Rey kisses both side of my cheeks before she pulls my head into her warm chest. I wrap my arms around her back and squeeze her against me.

"I don't want that to happen to you," I croak. "It was torture not pleasure, and we'd have new recruits in a few months,"

"I don't want to have children," she says matter-of-factly.

"Neither do I. But that's what happens, Rey."

"Not every time," I release her enough to lean back so I can look at her.

"Yes, every time. They made sure of that," Rey kisses my jaw a few times.

"It won't be like that for us; Leia gave me some pills and they prevent it."

"I don't know, Rey, it only causes pain and you have to take tablets... It seems like it would be too much,"

"I know what I can and can't handle, and what I want." Her voice fades to a seductive whisper and she leans forward. "I want you, in every way," her voice is thick and she stares down at my lips. "I'd do it all for you and only you," she whispers and I feel the knots tie themselves again. My mind fades from the memories of Starkiller Base and all I can think about is kissing her. "I'll wait for you to want me too, because we aren't in any rush," I nod, I'm not sure if that will happen, I just need some time to think about the fact maybe it would be different with her. If it is different when neither one is forced.

"What are these, 'other things' the General alluded to?" I wonder if trying something new will help change my mind, because I do want her, I just feel myself pushing up a wall. I moan as Rey kisses my neck and my fingers fumble over the clasp of her bra, eventually I unclip it and take it off her, throwing it across the room and kissing her soft skin while my hand massages her chest.

"I'm not sure, but I want to find out," she sighs.

"I think I was in the middle of something wasn't I?" She sucks in a sharp breath, and moans as I carefully roll her onto her back, nearly rip her undergarment off and find my way between her thighs.

I have her moaning my name in only a few minutes, but she stops me before I feel her shake. She takes my hand from her waist and pushes it down between her legs. I'm not sure how but I understand what she means and I crawl back up to her rosy cheeks and kiss each side of her face.  
"Will it hurt?" I whisper.

"I'm not sure," she admits through rough breaths.

"Tell me if it does," I demand and she nods.  
"Look at me," I coo and she opens her eyes as I start to slowly slip a finger inside her warmth. Her eyes pinch closed at the foreign feeling and I stop, but she pulls my mouth to hers. She kisses me roughly and I feel her roll her hips into my hand. For a split second I imagine that it isn't my finger that is inside her and I feel the blood rush down. I shake away the thought, I just told her I wasn't ready for that and now my mind goes straight there. I feel her small hand slip between our bodies and she starts to rub herself as my finger carefully curls inside her. I moan at the thought of her with her hand in between her legs but I'm too busy kissing her to look. She starts to grind harder and it makes me pick up the pace, pulling out a little to then push back in softly. I can't even hear her gasps because they mixed with mine.  
"Oh Rey," I mumble into her mouth and she smirks, obviously proud of herself that I'm getting almost as much pleasure as I'm giving. She starts to get lost and can't kiss me back so I move to her neck and suck on her skin, I hear her squeak my name and she starts to shake under me. When her hand stops moving so does mine. Although she is exhausted she moves her neck from my lips and bends her head to kiss me on the mouth again. I run my hand up her accidently smearing her release all along her stomach before I cup her cheek.

"Lay down," she pants in between kisses. I reluctantly roll onto my back and she slides my undergarments down my legs. Rey moves to sit on my thighs but notices my leg is still bandaged. "Can I?" I nod and push her legs down on top of mine. My burn doesn't hurt but maybe I am concentrating too much on the way I throb with anticipation. I'm so hard it hurts but Rey doesn't waste her time before gently gripping me. The relief is instantaneous, I watch her move her hand up and down my length, she kisses down my abdomen looking up at me through her eye lashes and I twitch in her hand. I groan in pleasure, she smirks and moves a little bit further down. Her lips are only an inch from me, and I do not expect when her hand stops and she takes my tip in her warm mouth. I immediately melt into the mattress and I shut my eyes.

Rey pulls back, "Look at me?" she begs and I can't deny her what she asks for. She watches me through her eyelashes and that is enough to drive me crazy. I use one arm to push me off the bed slightly so I have a better view of her. She wraps her lips around my tip and pushes me into her mouth. Sucking softly, she runs her tongue along my shaft and I force myself to keep watching and not close my eyes from the overwhelming pleasure. The feeling is so intense and it only continues to build as she goes deeper and deeper. I moan so loudly that I feel it shake the mattress. She takes as much as she can and her hand moves up and down on the rest of my length. Her warm mouth is wet and her tongue is so smooth that once again I imagine what it would be like if it was the place between her thighs that enveloped me. I grasp onto her hair with my other hand and twist it in my fingers while she moves up and down. I try my best to hold on for as long as I can, savour the moment the best I can, but I don't even get time to warn Rey before I release into her mouth. She is surprised but continues her moments, sucking my tip until I finish. I'm a moaning mess, and I feel weak even after she takes her mouth away I ache with pleasure. My fingers slip out of her hair and my arm falls heavily by my side.

I'm still panting as she moves up my body to straddle my waist. She rubs her lips together and they glisten, her eyes sparkle innocently and I sigh. My arm is unable to support myself up any longer, my back falls into the soft mattress and my head buries into the pillow. Exhaustion creeps under my skin and I welcome it.


	76. Chapter 76

"Aww, is my man all worn out?" She coos, giggling. Rey runs her hand across my cheek and I clasp it with mine and kiss her palm. I open my eyes a small way and see the way her chests rises and falls quickly. Adrenaline still swims in her, I can feel it.

"How?" Is the only word I can form as I shift so I sit up, using my arm for support again.

"So it felt good?" I hear her smirk, and she and I both know the answer to that.

"The best," I croak, my mouth dry, I clear my throat. I kiss each one of her fingertips.

"At least there is no mess this time," she states casually. I can't help but laugh which causes her to move up and down and that doesn't help my fantasies. _Dammit Finn_... _I wonder if it feels better than what we just did._ I really am terrible.

"Guess you'll have to do it again..." I bite the inside of my mouth, not positive if she would be okay with that.

"Looking forward to it," she winks. I groan in disbelief, letting my head fall back into the pillow again. "I'm going to have a shower," she tells me but I grip onto her thighs.

"No, stay," I don't want to be a part from her.

"Join me..." She leaves the words to hang in the air. I open my mouth to respond but only a little squeak comes out. There is a loud knock outside the door. Rey immediately tenses and I sit up, my heart pumping adrenaline into my system, but we realise someone is at front door not inside the house.

"You've got to be joking," I mumble under my breath. Rey leans down and kisses my forehead.

"You might want to put some clothes on," she climbs out of my grip and walks completely naked into our ensuite. I tear my eyes away from her scarred and beautiful body as the door closes. There is a loud knock again so I pull on my underwear and slip a shirt over my head, and as I hobble to the door I tug my shorts up my legs. I key in the code and the door opens. I look down and see Poe sitting in a wheelchair, resting his head on his hand. The sight is like a stab to the heart, but he still has his happy grin.

"It's about time! Making a cripple wait aren't very nice manners," He laughs to himself.

"Poe, what are you doing?" I inquire, worried if he has permission to be this far from the infirmary.

"I haven't seen the house yet. I wanted to be your first visitor," I step aside and let him wheel into the new house- my new house, Rey's new house… _our_ new home. I follow him in and the door closes behind us. I smile at the thought of having someone visit, to share ownership of something so personal. It only hits me in this moment the gravity of what the General has created for Rey and I, my heart swells at the thoughts.

"Welcome," I gesture around and his tires leave barely noticeable tracks in the carpet as he wheels towards the kitchen.

"It's very homely," he grins and disappears into the kitchen. If he was able to stand I would be able to see him through the alcove but he is not, so I take a few steps from the door and turn right to look into the kitchen too.

"I took your advice," I say quietly even though I'm sure Rey can't hear over the shower and the entire span of house between us.

"What advice was that?" He asks, glancing around the kitchen before wheeling over to the couches in the living room, leaving his little trail behind him. "Come and sit down," he offers me a seat in my own home and I oblige, smiling.

"I asked Rey to be my girlfriend. I just came out and asked her, like you said," pride doesn't allow for modesty and I grin like the lovesick fool I am.

Poe nods, his smile grows as he looks me up and down before meeting my eye and raising a brow, his smile is now a deep smirk. "I take it she showed you her answer…"

"What do you mean?" I say all too quickly, my voice high and I feel my cheeks turn red. Poe's lips twitch and he tries to stop himself from laughing but a little chuckle slips out.

"Your shirt is on backwards, and it's inside out," I look down and see the resistance logo tag in the centre of my collarbone and the seam of the fabric which is sewed up the sides. I look at Poe and he has a grin spread across his entire face. He wheels closer to where I sit and raises his hand expecting me to reciprocate the motion, I do as he silently requests and I slap my palm against his and he grips on tightly before winking and letting me go.

"It not what you're thinking, we haven't..." I need to clarify his misconceptions I don't want Rey to think I've gone around saying we've been that intimate when I need to rethink what I thought I knew.

"Finn, it's okay, it's natural," Poe rests his hand on my knee and pats it softly.

"Natural?" From what I knew, nature is the furthest description from the truth. However, the instincts I feel when I'm around her make me almost believe him.

"Yeah, man. Everyone does it; I'm surprised you two didn't figure it all out the moment she first came back from that island,"

"How do you know we didn't?" He raises a brow, but he knows I'm not trying to hint that we did.

"I can tell. You two are too innocent. Well you were," he winks, again, and I blush. I open my mouth to try and clarify again. "You don't have to tell me again, I believed you the first time," he does this strange motion where he taps his fingers on his legs but after a moment he stops, and holds his hands in his lap, almost preventing himself from doing it again.

"I just don't want anyone to think I'd hurt Rey like that," I look up from his hands to see him shake his head.

"What are you talking about, why would anyone think you'd hurt her?" I can almost see the way his mind starts to contemplate it, "Is this about Kylo?"

"No, it isn't," I reply with quick honesty. "It's about Rey."

He squints, "Just make sure she is comfortable and she'll be fine and so will you. You'll both wish you'd done it sooner."

"I'm scared..." I admit quietly and hear the shower turn off.

"Why?" Poe asks and rolls a bit closer, looking concerned. I don't respond, just look down at my hands. "Finn, you're not going to break her. She was made for you, and you were made for her. It wasn't a coincidence that you two met; it was completely my doing," he chuckles to himself "If I hadn't flown us back to Jakku you wouldn't have ran into her," I raise one brow, "Okay, don't say it, I know, it was more than that; more than destiny, too," I nod and I realise it was more than luck that brought us together. I feel a shift inside of me. I hear the bedroom door open. _That was too fast,_ Rey only just got out of the shower.

"Stay here," I say to Poe and quickly step around his mode of transportation to see Rey about to walk into the hallway in just a towel. Her wet hair drips down her shoulders, I point to the bedroom and she steps back in without a word. I close the door softly behind me.

"Poe's here," I warn her. Rey nods and unwraps herself from the towel without a second thought, I blush, my eyes wonder over her body. A large plaster is stuck over her rib cage, but at least she isn't completely wrapped in bandages. She walks back into the bathroom to hang the towel on the rail. I yank my shirt off my head turn it out the right way, twist it around and pull it back down my body. Rey comes back into the room and I watch her every move, my eyes flicker over every part of her as she approaches me. She closes the space between us, and my hand instinctively grasps her waist.

"You're terrible at trying to casually sneak a peek," she kisses my cheek and steps back.

"Who said I was trying?" I wink.

"We have a guest. Shouldn't you be entertaining?" she raises a brow but smiles gleefully.

"Shouldn't you be dressed?" I counter. "I was worried you were going to just walk out naked," I admit.

"I'm offended," her hand dramatically clasps her bare chest, I smile at her overreacting. She starts to step from my grasp. "Are you ashamed of me?" she laughs, obviously being facetious. I catch her hand and pull her back before she can walk over to the wardrobe. I run my other hand down the span of her body.

"No. I want you all to myself," she rolls her eyes, but I know she is blushing. I kiss her quickly before I let go of her hand and let her find something to wear while I turn around to walk back out of our room.


	77. Chapter 77

I go back into the hallway, and see Poe struggling to reach for the handle to the fridge. "Need some help?" I offer, and he wheels back, his cheeks are a little red and he cracks his neck to each side. "What were you after?"

"Was just going to get a drink I didn't know how long I'd be waiting for you two to finish. You're either _really_ good or terrible," he winks. I blush and laugh into the fridge and it echoes loudly around the room.

"I didn't have sex with her you pervert," I laugh and shake my head at him and pass him a bottle of water.

"Good to know," he holds the bottle between his fingers and skilfully wheels his chair at the same time.

I collapse onto the couch near him, and I put my feet up on the table.

I hear the bedroom door open and Rey walks out in some pants and a big shirt. I think it might be one of mine, and it makes me smile, they all look the same though.

"Hey Poe, good to see you're back on your feet…"

"Screw you," I'm surprised by their banter, but welcome it. Rey sits on the couch opposite to mine and mimics the way I have my feet on the table, our bare toes are almost touching, I can't help but poke hers and she giggles.

"What are up to, besides stealing my roommate?" He asks her and gestures to me.

"He was my roommate before he was yours," She states with a hint too much pride. He crinkles his nose at her, "Master Luke is still training me," she adds.

"Did you two work out your differences?" He asks and Rey nods. I'm not positive what they mean and I don't want to pry. However, I can't deny the pang of jealousy at their private knowledge.

"He came and saw me when I woke up," Poe squints. Obviously he wasn't aware Rey had spent time in the infirmary too. "I got shot in the chest," She answers the question he hadn't asked. He pulls an impressed expression and turns to me.

"Definitely not going to break her," he whispers so quietly I almost don't hear. I clear my throat and look down as he turns back to Rey.  
"So, he took it well?" Poe asks.

"Well he still isn't very happy with me," she shrugs and looks down at her hands as they smooth over her pants.

"You did yell at him in front of the entire fleet..." Poe chuckles and I begin to feel my concern rise.

"He wasn't going to let me go, of course I was going to yell at him," Rey looks from Poe, to me, and realisation overcomes her as she notices my troubled expression. "Luke tried to stop me from coming to find you," she summarises whatever it is her and Poe are conversing about.

"You told me he understood that I come first to you," I paraphrase what she told me in the bed in the hotel.

She bites her lip. "I lied." I blink and look down, feeling my heart sink. I am unable to feel angry over her deceit, because I've lied about much worse.

I meet her eye again, my tone is dejected as I mutter, "Rey..." Poe takes a long sip from the water bottle.

"It wasn't going to help my case, was it? You already didn't want to see me…" she's defensive, I can tell. "If you knew Master Luke was against it too it would only make you more likely to push me away," I sigh in exasperation, pull my feet off the table, place them on the ground and open my arms, welcoming her. She stands up and sulks over to me. She squeezes between Poe and the table and lightly sinks down onto my lap, I pull her in close.

"I love you," I whisper into her hair so quietly I'm sure Poe wouldn't have heard, and I feel her lips quiver as I kiss the corner of her mouth. Poe clears his throat and Rey takes that as a sign to climb off me, so she sits on the far side of the couch, her legs draped over my thighs.

"He just needs to get to know Finn a bit more and he'll love him too," Rey adamantly proclaims.

"I heard you two decided to make it official," Rey blushes and looks at me. I swallow roughly not sure if she is okay with the fact I already told him, but she smiles softly.

"Finally," she huffs and my mouth parts in suspicion. There is no way she has been waiting for me to ask her… I let it slide.

"It's nearly seven, should we go down for dinner? The food supplies have arrived, it should be a substantial meal tonight," I inform them, Rey quickly agrees. Poe nods, placing the water bottle on his lap as he wheels himself towards the door. I look at his bandages and wonder if it hurts to push his wheelchair with a sprained wrist.

"You'll have to take for a test spin, Dameron," Rey challenges as I offer her my hand to help her off the couch. She gently takes it and I lift her on to her feet before walking over to the keypad.

"I might be a reckless pilot in battle, but I am a careful driver, especially with precious cargo," I turn around to see Poe looking up at me with a smirk, I glance over to Rey as she giggles; his charm obviously doesn't go amiss with her either. Poe wheels himself into the hallway. _Why am I all of a sudden jealous of my friend?_ _And why is it Rey so easily notices?_ I am still standing at the keypad and instead of walking out of the open door she stops in front of me, smiles and kisses my cheek. She takes my hand and squeezes it in hers for a moment, searching my eyes for something before letting go of my hand and pacing up to Poe. She grasps onto the handles of the wheelchair and pushes him along so that he doesn't have to use his energy rolling down the long twisting corridors. Rey quick glance at me over her should coaxes my feet into walking and I follow them and hear the door close securely behind us.

Poe gets stopped multiple times on the way by fellow pilots and soldiers all making sure he is okay. A few people who he isn't so close with give him second glances and turn to their companions and whisper with sad eyes. I try not to let on that I notice this behaviour in hopes Poe won't either so I keep a smile and chatting to him as we enter the dining hall. We are given a two day old, reheated stew. Even though they got a new delivery they are still preserving food while the crops can regrow and more stock can arrive.  
Poe can't sit in his normal spot across from me, at the edge of the bench, so he sits at the head of the table. Rey sits closest to him and they dive into a conversation I don't understand about some pilot terminology, and they discuss what exactly happened to his X-Wing. I get included occasionally, but I don't mind all that much because Rey's hand rests on my thigh under the table, even while we eat. I wrap my arm around her waist and she flashes me a bright smile before turning back to Poe. I'm preoccupied listening in on some other conversations around the room a her hand starts to rub up and down my leg in small, smooth motions and warmth spreads through me. I turn to look at to her, assuming she wanted my attention only to notice she is still talking to Poe. Her movements are completely subconscious; I bite my grin away as I turn my head back to the far corner of the room and tune in to some gossip behind me. Rey's hand rubs higher up my leg and I can feel my body reacting to her, she runs her hands down, and as she brings it up again she moves to my inner thigh and my breathing hitches, however, I don't think Rey noticed because she is still focused on her conversation.

I listen back into some discussions around the room until I feel Rey press her shoulder against mine, and her hand becomes a lot more precise in its movements. I turn back towards Rey and she's looking at me, "Are you okay?" she whispers and I loosen my grip on her waist to take her hand in mine, I run my fingers over hers and nod.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Rey rests her head in the crook of my shoulder. "Tired?" I query and brush her still damp hair from her cheek with my free hand. She mumbles a quiet yes so after a small chat about how training is going for my patients we call it a night.

Poe wheels himself back to the infirmary when we finish our meals and Rey takes my hand and we walk back to our room.


	78. Chapter 78

Poe is still in the beginning stages of rehabilitation three weeks after he woke from his coma; he hasn't told me anymore about his routine besides that. If my lunch breaks don't coincide with Rey's I will eat lunch in the break room, where multiple times I have walked in on Poe's team of nurses and doctors colluding, trying to think of alternative options for his rehabilitation; but when I enter a silence falls upon the room. A strained, casual chatter patters and develops into conversations, like rain beginning as a drizzle and turning into what is supposed to be a refreshing storm that washes away impurities.  
Poe takes multiple medications to ease his pain, and is trialling a few tablets that have proved beneficial for other in healing severed muscle and bone connections, however, so far it doesn't seem as though any of these medications have shown signs of improvements.  
Each night in the dining hall his beard seems to have grown longer, he used to his face shaven, maybe going a few days without, but nothing like it is now. I wonder if he is unable to see his reflection in the mirror, or if he just doesn't have the energy to rid himself of it. As the days slide past his smile slips into a frown a lot faster than it used to. On the odd occasion he has also forgotten to bid Rey and I a goodnight, and he just rolls his wheelchair out of the hall silently.

Once Rey and I enter our home most thoughts and discussions about Poe are pushed aside, or at least kept out of the bedroom. For the past two weeks Rey and I have spent a lot of time in bed, showing each other how much we love each other. Laughing and finding out what makes the other moan the loudest. The bed isn't the only place though…  
The first time she stepped into the shower while I was in there made my heart pound louder than the water that poured over us, and I enjoyed hearing the mixture of the drumming of droplets and her echoing gasps as I held Rey against the shower wall, my face between her thighs.  
We've cooked meals together but we both end up enjoying dessert a _lot_ more. The more I touch her and the more I see the way she enjoys it, and it makes me wonder if maybe the First Order was doing reproduction wrong the whole time. If it would be different with her; if loving Rey would make us both enjoy sex, and not fear it.  
Each night ends the same, regardless of how the day unfolds, her small body curled around mine, or mine curled around hers, and I've lost count of the amount of times I've woken to find our hands linked together. Somehow in the haze of sleep and dreams we find a way to hold each other.  
Our 'I love yous' are few and far between which means they're special and make my heart flutter each time. Although, I do I have a feeling if we said them every hour they would never lose their effect.  
Rey trains in the forest with Luke almost every day, and I put on my uniform and help the pilots and soldiers in the infirmary. Rey and I both feel like we are finally finding our place here. However, I still have this nagging feeling that when the rehabilitation clinic is over, and all my patients are discharged, that I will begin to feel displaced, even with Rey's support.

Neither of us have seen BB-8 since the day Poe first woke up. I miss the little trouble maker and wish he was here so I could show him just how happy Rey and I are, maybe that would help him remember. R2D2 is helping to rewire his circuits and transmitting their previously stored conversations; supposedly these are meant to contain information about Rey and I. The hope is that this may be able to spark more information from BB-8's internal data storage systems which are clogged. Rey and I were told to stay away until his memory systems are restored. Rey misses him, I can tell; whenever she seems a similar, circular droid she always glances a few moments longer than she normally would.

Poe, Rey and I have just finished our evening meal and step out of the dining hall; I slip my hand into Rey's as I watch Poe wheel away in his chair. It doesn't seem as if he has made any progress, and each day I see his eyes become a little darker. Just as I am about to turn around and look away from Poe I see Luke and he calls for Rey's attention.

"Can we speak?" he asks and Rey nods, Luke looks between us and accepts that Rey doesn't mind that I am beside her.

"It turns out our last mission did not go to plan. Leia has received complaints and needs us to return to sort out their differences," Rey's shoulders drop.

"They were doing so well when we left…"

"The King is only young, it turns out he chose against our advice. The aftermath has been quite costly for their economy. They need us to smooth over the aggression he's caused between the rival nations." Rey sighs, and nods. I stand quietly, not showing my reaction to the news, thinking it be best to remain expressionless during their exchange.

"When do we leave, soon?" Rey enquires.

"Tomorrow, late morning."

"Okay, Master."

"Finn," Luke nods dismissively at me, and then Rey before he walks into the dining hall.

I tug my lips into a tight smile and Rey does the same. Neither of us speak; because we know what the other will say.  
We start the long walk back to our room, and I hold tightly onto her hand.

*  
I pour us some water when get back inside our home.

"I'll miss you," I announce loudly, the faucet creaking as I turn it off. I turn around and notice she is right beside me, and I realise I didn't have to shout the words. I pass her the glass.

"I'll miss you too," She repeats and we both take a sip at the same time.

"How long do you think it will take?"

"It depends, a few weeks, we'll stay to make sure he listens to us this time," I groan quietly and Rey kisses my cheek.

"It'll be fine, I'd say you should come but it isn't worth it, you have your patients and-" I cut her off.

"You just don't want me to go," I whine, knowing that isn't the case.

She sighs quietly and her fingers pull my chin up causing me to look at her. Her eyes are soft and her fingers caress along my jaw. "I think Poe needs you more than I do, he is so lonely," her eyes lose some of their light and I nod solemnly.

"You're right; I don't know what I can do."

"Just keep an eye on him," she steps closer and takes my glass from my hand she places both of them on the countertop and takes my hands, she runs her thumbs over mine before meeting my eye again. I expect her words to be something as gentle and comforting as her touch, but I am wrong. "For the record, I'm always right," I crinkle my nose at her and slips her lips between mine and bites softly before pulling back, her eyes a little darker. "Now can we go to bed, I don't want to be tired and fall asleep during these political meetings," She grumbles. I quickly pick up my glass and scull its contents I place it in the sink. Rey stands waiting, her hand extend out for mine. I smile and my heart flutters as I grip onto it and walk the small way down the hall and into our bedroom. Once we are inside Rey immediately sighs with exasperation and lets me go so she can begin to pack her bag.  
I have changed into my night attire and freshened up just as she leaves the bag near the door. I slip under the sheets and watch as Rey disappears into the wardrobe to change, she comes out wearing a nightgown and my jacket. The weather is cooling down now and I appreciate it because Rey seems to hold me tighter at night and I didn't think that was possible. "Do you mind if I take it with me?" she asks and clutches the sides of my jacket, pulling the brown leather tighter around her slim figure.

"No, that's fine," she grins and climbs up the bed, shimmying under the covers and snuggling into me, kissing my cheek and down my jaw, I smile and hold her closer.


	79. Chapter 79

Rey moves closer to me and slips one of her legs between mine, bringing half of her body on top of mine like she normally does. Her hand runs down the side of my body until she reaches my thigh, her fingers play with the bandage that is still wrapped around my leg.

Her fingertips lightly trace over the precise location of my scar and my leg feels weak.  
"Why do you still wear this?"

"I'm not sure," I blink a few times I don't want to tell her I'm afraid she'll compare the scar on my shoulder to the one on my thigh and notice the similarities.

"Don't you?" Rey tries to hold in a giggle and I feel her chest ripple with its suppression. I clear my throat and feel slightly uncomfortable under her. I open my mouth but close it again. "I know you lied to me," she whispers, smirking into my neck and nipping friskily at my skin, which now tickles with embarrassment. She brings her hand up my leg slowly, her fingers gracing over my crotch slowly, causing my breath to catch in my throat, but she keeps trailing her hand up my body – _what a tease_ – until she twists the hair by my ear in between her fingers. My skin heats up with a mix of embarrassment and lust, and I don't know how to respond. "You don't have to be scared, I'm not mad," she mumbles quietly and kisses my neck.

I open my mouth to tell her I'm not afraid but we both know I am. "I'm sorry, I…"

"I didn't mean it," she whispers and it causes my laugh to bellow, echoing around us.

"I know you didn't, that's why I didn't want to tell you." My arm that is under her and wrapped around her back tightens, pulling her closer to me.

"I love you for that, but you're a terrible liar," I hear the humour in her voice and I feel the need to defend myself.

"I'm not that bad, you didn't know I lied about being part of the Resistance," I crack a smile. She pulls away from my neck and I see her eyes shine mischievously in the dull light.

"I didn't know you then."

"Were you mad at me?"

"For lying, or for leaving?" Rey asks for clarification, and I nod but realise she might not have seen.

"Both," she closes her eyes and I can only see a shadow of where she is, the room is too dark to see much more, she opens them after a brief sigh.

"I, well, no… I just felt empty, and I didn't understand why at first."

"I felt it too. I looked back, but you had already turned away…" I don't know what would have happened if I had turned around and I saw that she was still looking at me. _Would I have walked back through the castle and begged her further? Or would I have turned back around and left her on that step?_

"Watching you leave brought back all I had felt watching my parents leave me on Jakku," I swallow but I find it incredibly hard to do so. "I heard myself cry out for my family. I wanted to scream at you, too, beg you not to leave me; but I couldn't find my voice." My hand that rests on the bed next to me buries into her hair and I run my thumb along her cheekbone, and she sighs.  
She leans up a little so that her lips are right by my ear, "Thank you for coming back for me…" I twist my head a little so that I can lightly press my lips against her. I barely kiss her; rather leave my lips against hers to remind her that I love her.

I pull back a small amount, "I'm always going to come back for you," I watch the silhouette of my hand caress her hair.

She presses her lips a little closer to mine before she kisses the corner of my mouth, up my cheek, then she moves to the other side of my face and I feel my cheeks rise into a smile as she presses her lips back down and onto the other corner of my mouth. She kisses the tip of my cold nose then whispers "So will I," she leaves one finally kiss on my lips and I pull her up so more of her is lying on top of me. I'm nice and warm, and she must be too, I slip my arms into my jacket and wrap my arms around her back, holding her close as we slip into sleep together.

***

Sometime during the night we must have rolled away from each other, maybe we were too hot, or uncomfortable, but I would have been to asleep to consciously be aware of the shift. When I wake, Rey is still sound asleep, she is lying on her back, her head facing me, eyes closed and her mouth party a tiny amount. She is such a silent sleeper it's easy to forget she's breathing. I realise my hand tingles and aches and I look down to see its loosely connected to Rey's, and I smile at the thought of one of us reaching for the other in the darkness and bleary drowsiness between dreams.  
She has to leave in a few hours and I have work in the afternoon. All of my morning rehab classes are cancelled because they are attending a meeting to keep their spirits high while they're stuck in the infirmary. I hope Poe was invited.

I delicately take my hand from hers and she seems to huff and her body partially away from me. I slip out of bed and go make some breakfast. I toast some bread and grab some fruit before I take it in for her. She is still fast asleep, and I am overcome with the thought of waking up alone for the next few weeks. I need to make the most of these draining hours. The house is cold I already miss the warmth of her body near mine. I leave the plates on the small table and crawl back under the sheets; I snuggle in close to her, and wrap my arm around her waist. I carefully pull her into me and nuzzle into her hair. She must wake because she wriggles against me. My lips kiss the back of her neck, my hand goes lower as I keep kissing her. She sighs and the sound runs straight to my core I feel myself grow at the thought of pleasuring her.

"Good morning," her voice is thick and she presses herself closer to me. She turns around before my hand can reach her sensitive area. "How did you sleep?" She easily gets me onto my back and finds her place straddling my hips, her legs fitting perfectly around me. She looks stunning, wearing my oversized jacket is enough to turn someone on deep inside me, but her hair which she must have tied in a ribbon late at night partially falls out, and pieces frame her sleep flushed cheeks. Her eyes are still a little heavy and her smile is soft, all I want right now is to make her feel good.

"Good, but waking up is better." She bites her lips and leans down, pressing her lips against mine.

"What will we do this morning?" She inquires. The fact she can ask so casually instantaneously makes me groan with satisfaction which turns to a moan when Rey slides down my hips and onto my thighs. The wound doesn't hurt when her leg is pressed against it and I'm glad about that. Rey softly presses her hand over me finding my growing love for her and starts to move up and down my length slowly.

"It really is a good morning..." I whisper back. I sit up a bit higher, and spread my thighs so that her legs open enough for me to lean forward and slip my hand down her underwear. I start to rub her in small circles around her already wet core, her legs twitch over mine. She moans and pulls my undergarments down just enough that I'm no longer restricted by any material. She cups me a little tighter and I moan, her eyes are closed and she rolls her hips into my hand. Her fingers easily move up and down like she has done this a million times.

I whimper as she picks up the pace, I'm already close. I sigh, trying to calm the build-up inside in hopes it will delay a quick release. I can't help but occasionally roll my hips as my finger tries to keep a steady rhythm which falters. "Rey..." She opens her eyes, they're dark with desire and pleasure. "If you don't stop I'll-" she cuts me off by leaning down and taking me in her mouth. I think I feel every muscle relax at the sight before they tighten with pleasure as it rolls through my body. I can't even attempt to pleasure her, my hand just stays in her underwear as I pulse inside her mouth. Her tongue flicks over me and it drives me insane as my release into her mouth.

She has barely swallowed by the time I start to move my fingers again, rubbing her with a little bit more force than usual. I sink my hand deeper and Rey instinctively leans back which gives me more access. I slowly push a finger in her she looks uncomfortable, and I almost fret because I've used two multiple times and she's been more than fine, but before I think about taking my hand away she grasps my wrist adjusting me and almost aiding my finger deeper. I guess I was in just the wrong position, I pull out and push a second in and she immediately starts to pant, her legs tremble at the feeling. I love being able to see and feel the pleasure I give her. She is so welcoming and wet and it makes it so easy to make her feel good. With my thumb I start to rub her again and she struggles to breathe.

Rey gasps when my fingers reach a certain spot, so I target my movements to continuously caress that area for her. I rub her in small circles as my finger curls inside her.  
She moans so loudly that someone down the hall might hear, but I really don't care. Her breath catches, both of her hand grip onto my thighs and I feel her tighten around my fingers and I unexpectedly quicken my movements and she starts shaking, whimpering and moaning at the same time. Her mouth is wide open and she doesn't seem stable, so I reach behind her to hold her lower back while she lets go completely. I slip my fingers out and delicately run two fingers up and down, guiding her softly through her strong release.

"Have I ever told you you're the best thing that ever happened to me?" She whispers, once she is able to form words. I can tell she is still trying to come back to reality. I blush and kiss her soft lips, not needing to answer.

"Have I ever told you I could stay in bed all day and let you have your way with me?" Her eyes sparkle and she slides up onto my hips, rubbing her still sensitive core over mine.

"Don't tempt me," she sweetly whispers in my mouth. I groan and I think if she was to move like that again it wouldn't take much to make me hard again. "I better get ready," she groans and reluctantly crawls off the bed, grabbing a piece of her toast and taking a few bites as she walks into the ensuite.


	80. Chapter 80

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I'm sorry my beautiful readers, but I need to take a few personal days break, I hope you don't mind. Uni is getting full on and I want to be able to dedicate some time to editing this fic. We're coming to the home stretch, as of now there should be ten more chapters, but that may change as I edit. Thank you so much for your support, I hope you know I love and appreciate you beyond words for reading this far!

I hear the shower run and I am tempted to get up and join her but I feel sleep weigh me down to the mattress. My sated smile fades as I bury my head back into the pillow. I hear Rey hum a melody quietly but it echoes louder than she expected it would and it soothes me into a strange doze. The abrupt screeching of the faucets turning off startles me into awareness, and I slowly roll onto my side, facing the ensuite. Rey takes her time to get ready, I wonder if she's nervous. I hear a violent crashing and my heart jumps.

"You alright?" I call and she takes a brief moment to respond; I bet she's smiling.

"Yeah, all good," she calls back, "I just dropped the stupid hairbrush," she grumbles.

"Need some help?"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you," I smile and close my eyes while I listen to her rummage around the bathroom and finishes getting ready. She steps out after a while, her hair up like usual and a small smile on her lips. She is dressed in her tunic and pants and I can't help but think she looks the same way she did the first time I saw her, just cleaner, and happier; much happier. She walks around to my side of the bed, and kisses just below my ear.

"Don't miss me too much," she whispers and I roll my head from the pillow and twist so I can kiss her properly. She sighs, pulls away. She kisses my nose and I giggle and instantly clear my throat, trying not to let on that I sounded just like a little girl, but Rey smiles and brushes her fingers through my hair. Looking at me for a moment, I grasp onto the front of her shirt and tug her back down to my lips. I kiss her deeply, trying to tell her without words how much I will miss her, and I think she is trying to do the same. However, even though the kiss is fraught with such dejection I still feel the fire and light swim around us and it makes me want her again. I sit up a little higher, and I'm left feeling rejected as she pulls away. She kisses my cheek before backing from the bed and walking silently to where she left her bag the night before.

I almost forgot that she spoke, so I quietly reply, "I already do."

"So do I," she mumbles, slipping her arm through the strap of her staff and twisting the door handle. "I'll be back soon."

"See you then," I call as she closes the bedroom door behind her.

I roll onto my back left feeling unsatisfied; I blink a few times, and furrow my brow. _What am I doing, letting her leave like that?_ For a split second I think about letting her go, but I can't, I need her again. I throw the sheets off and storm across the room, yanking the door open. I see Rey about the key in the code, but she hears me and turns back around, unsure of my intentions at first. She soon realises I am in pursuit of her lips, and welcomes mine when I practically collide into her. Her arms immediately wrap around my neck and hold the back of my head. I open her mouth with mine and grasp her waist so tight I think I might leave bruises. I kiss her harder, stepping her back against the door, her back arches at the contact with the cold metal and her chest presses against mine. I moan, or groan I'm not sure which; my hand holds the small of her back, pressing her closer to me and I can already feel my underwear begin to strain as she gasps for air and her small moans give me courage. My other hand runs down the back of her leg, and grasp onto it, lifting it and wrapping her calf over my hip, somehow we seem to fit perfectly and I step closer even to her. My tongue runs along hers and I pull back the smallest amount, "I love you, so much," my voice is smooth and deep and I feel the words float in the air. I bite and suck Rey's lower lip and she moans, letting me have my way with her. Sucking, kissing, biting and exploring her mouth like it's the first time, or the last. Rey's fingers are pulling at my curls and I rock my hips into hers, and I am fully aware of the friction we create and the way it makes us both long for each other. She whimpers my name as I push against her back, pulling her against me. _Now I've done it, how am I going to stop now?_ My skin tingles with want for her and I can feel it coming off her too. My undergarments strain even more and I feel like if I keep kissing her like his I'm going to need to change them.

"Finn…" she gasps into my mouth, "We don't have much time," she mumbles.

"I want you," I mutter into her mouth, and before she responds I slip my hand between our bodies. I don't have the time or patients to take off her pants so I add more pressure than normal so she'll feel it through the layers of clothes. Her breathing becomes shallow and for a moment she forgets I'm still kissing her; then she seems to snap back to the present and kisses me back. Her tongue warm and her lips almost beg for more, it doesn't take long for my movements to get to her and she moans into my mouth, and I feel myself twitch in my underwear. Her hand finds its way from my hair between our bodies, and she somehow slips her hand into my underwear and grasps onto my length, I suck in a sharp breath and moan. It doesn't take long for either of us to nearly reach our limit. Rey's fingers have a sturdy grip on me and my movements cause her to shudder. We are trying our best to keep kissing each other, but we are too sloppy. Rey's leg tightens around my hip as her other foot start to push her off the ground, sliding up the door; she is inching even closer to the edge, I can feel it, and I can hear it in the way she breathes. She's panting and can't kiss me any longer, she pulls back and her head rests on the door as my fingers continue to rub her. Her neck is an open invitation and I bury myself in her, kissing and swiping my tongue along her. I am struggling to keep my balance as she picks up the pace, my hand slams against the metal beside her head and I use it to hold us both up.

She's on the edge and so am I. I can't kiss her neck any longer, I am panting into her shoulder, my fingers drawing circles into her, her leg that is around my back starts to shake and she gasps "I love you too…" her voice is quiet, sweet and I feel it wash over me. I don't know if she realised she said it, but the words are more than enough to push me into my release, and I let out a deep throaty moan. I don't care about the uncomfortable warmth that spreads into my undergarments as Rey takes her hand out, I only care about her. She softly lowers her heel back onto the ground, physically coming down from her high. I smile into her neck and instead of stepping back from her I wrap both my arms around her waist and hug her close, both her arms wrap tightly around my neck and her warm breath skims over my bare back causing me to shiver. When I let her go and place her other leg back on the ground, she is shaky on her feet and I smirk.

"I wasn't expecting that," she admits and adjusts her hair.

"It wasn't really my intention," I laugh and she giggles. Her eyes shine and she glows like she always does, and I can't take my eyes off her. The last thing I want is to watch her walk out of that door. Rey looks away from me and glances at the clock a frown taking over her happy features; she blinks a few times as if she's trying to see straight.

"I better go…" I kiss her again, sliding my tongue along hers, and grasp the small of her back, pushing her closer to me. "Finn," she giggles into my mouth and presses her hands against my chest. I pout but she just continues to smile. "We both know we can't go for a third time," she bites her lips.

"We can try," I smirk.

"When I get back," she promises with a wink. A little sigh slips through my lips at the thought. "Now I really have to go," she kisses me on the lips once: no that's not enough; twice: she pulls back but is immediately drawn back to me a third time. She huffs and leans back. I bend down and pick up her bag off the floor, I pass it to her slowly and she slips it up her shoulder and throws the strap of her staff over her shoulder too.

"Stay safe," I whisper as she keys in the code and the door opens. She smiles as she turns around and kisses my cheek.

"Be good," she whispers.

"When am I not?" I joke and she glances down to my crotch and the wet patch that stains it and raises her brows. She laughs and bites her lip before turning around and walking out of the door.  
I keep watching her until the door starts to close, she turns back and waves, I wave back until the door cuts off my view of her.


	81. Chapter 81

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I am so sorry for such a long break, I have missed updating! I hate to say it though but my updating may be quite irregular for the next few weeks, I have essays due and exam coming soon. I will try to update at least once a week, I'm so sorry but I'll be back to regular updates before you know it :) Thank you for your continuous support I appreciate it all.  
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My day starts slowly and I sulk through the halls knowing I don't have Rey to return to tonight - and a lot of nights to come. Rehab is slow and repetitive. It always begins the same way: some stretches to start, then a few basic exercises, some sit ups here and some push ups there. To follow that is a lot of practice using equipment, and even more weights. Some patients have advanced to heavier weights, and even I feel the burn of my muscles strengthening now.

I find my way to Jaeden's room and by now I can't muster the strength to act happy. He greets me joyously, but I can't seem to smile when I return his greeting. He squints his tired eyes at me and I look down. I am about to start placing out the required equipment but his question makes me stop mid step. "Rey's gone again?" his voice laced with cautious surety.

"How'd you know?"

"You looked like this every day she was away the other week. Then when she came back you were back to yourself again," he slowly pulls himself into a sitting position.

"Yeah, I don't know how long she'll be gone this time," I admit and he frowns.

"Don't you trust her?" He asks. Our friendship has definitely deepened over the past month but for some reason I feel his question has crossed some type of line.

"Of course I trust her." I don't let myself contemplate what would happen if she was to find someone else; because my mind will never let the thoughts leave. It would be best if I just kept that locked away.

"Then what is it?"

"It's just hard without her," Jaeden nods in sympathy. He may not have a relationship of his own to compare his feelings too, but he doesn't need to, because he seems to understand me quite well.  
"Come on, let's get started."  
Jaeden agrees and I turn back around to lay out the weights.

***

A few days have passed and I'm learning to not sulk like a child, but I still have my moments. I thought sleeping without her would be impossible, but we find our way to be together even in our dreams. Even if it's just walking through the forest with our hands locked, it's enough to cause me to wake with a smile.

I approach the administration desk to see if I will have anyone new added to my roster, the familiar glint of silver wheel caps glistening under the fluorescent lights catches my eye.

"Hey, Poe," I call as I wait for the droid, XR49P, to rummage through the holofiles. He smiles up at me from his seat; the nurse pushes him to a halt in front of me and goes behind the desk.

"Hey. Busy day?"

"You could say that. When do you get out of this place?" I groan, I miss seeing him in his pilots uniform and rushing from the military compound to the hangars multiple times a day. I hear a long crash and look over to the nurses and droids all of them are looking at a young girl with long dark hair who has just dropped a tray full of someone's breakfast. I open my mouth to say something my mind had not yet decided when Poe speaks again.

"They want me to stay in the infirmary while I complete my rehab, it just makes it easier. But they let me sleep in my room the other night; I just need help getting in and out of bed." I nod.

"That's great!" He shrugs, and I think for a moment. "So do you think you'll be able to come and stay over at the housing unit now that you're allowed out more often?"

"I don't see why that would be an issue," his smile almost, _almost_ makes it to his eyes like it used to. It's the biggest smile I've seen from him in weeks and I feel guilty for not offering earlier. Rey told me Poe needs me more than her and I feel like I haven't made enough time for him; but that will change now.

"Stay over tonight, we have a spare room."

"Really?" His eyes widen and I'm confused by his utter surprise, and it makes my guilt reach deeper in my gut. I nod in reply, "But I have to be back for rehab tomorrow morning," I nod again.

"Of course, I'll get you here right on time," I grin and see XR49P approaching from the corner of my eye "How's it coming along?" The droid passes me the holocharts as I ask.

I make sure they're in order, "Yeah I'm doing well," I glance at him for just long enough to see his smile waver.

I nod slowly, then pat his shoulder as I walk past him.

"I'll see you tonight."

"Yeah, have a good day..."

"You too," I call back to him as I walk into the first room and set up the equipment.

Starla finds me a few hours later when I am about to go on break. I am rubbing a towel over my sweaty hair when she tells me that she misses me and wanted to eat lunch together.

"Of course," I wrap my arm around her small shoulder and pull her against my side in a friendly hug and gesture to the door. I throw the towel into the basket in the corner of the room and my patient does the same, giving me a smile before going to lay on her bed and insert some tubes into his skin.

"See you tomorrow," I call as I follow Starla out, and I hear her repeat my words with a tad more finality.

"It has been such a long time since we've spent any time together, I thought you'd be up for lunch," Starla states casually as we walk to the break room.

"Thank you for offering." I think for a moment longer. "I always have time for my favourite nurse," I flash her a cheeky grin and she rolls her eyes.

I sit at one of the tables while Starla grabs some food from the fridge.  
I nod at a few nurses who I have become friends with over the few weeks I've worked here. I don't keep to myself as much as I did before, and I realised I shouldn't have been so secluded.

"How's the rehab program going?"

"Really well, a few patients have left now. I don't know what I'll do when they all recover," I admit to her my worries in a way that doesn't do justice to how much they have been affecting me.

"Why don't you do some proper training if you're interested, you can work here,"

"What about training with the new recruits and be a foot soldier?" I hear one of the nurses call out from her table. I've seen him multiple times, he was Poe's nurse after his first crash, and I can't get rid of the image of him wrapping Rey's chest in the bandages. I still don't know his name. I swallow at the idea of being a part of their army, and look at the man across the room. "You have the skills for it, I heard you're a pretty good shot," my lips curls in a half smile and I shrug.

"I guess, I'd have to speak to the General…"

"Why don't you speak to her about being a part of the negotiation unit? They deal with wider disputes; less combat more reconciliation..." Starla mutters as she takes a bite from her fruit. I nod at the idea.

As I turn over the option in my mind I hear a small voice, "What about both?" The young girl with long dark hair slips into the conversation. I recognise her long hair, it takes a moment to place it; she was the one who dropped the tray this morning. Suddenly she looks up from where she had been placing lunch packs on the trays and I recognise her further, she is the girl who Rey laughed at for calling me Mr Finn. She turns her wary glance at me, obviously she is not sure if she was allowed to have a say.

"What do you mean?" I ask, kindly smiling at her and she straightens her slightly slumped shoulders.

"Why don't you train with the troops, but you work for the negotiation team?" I do not respond in words but I pull out the chair near me for her to sit in. She cautiously takes a step forward, and when I gesture to the vacant seat she approaches and quickly sits down, trying her best not to draw attention to herself.


	82. Chapter 82

"What's your name?"

"Zarah," she replies quietly. I find her quite intriguing: she's timid and much younger than I, maybe fourteen. Her long dark hair is tied off her face and flows down her back in one brown wave, her eyes are large and the colour matches her hair perfectly.

"What's your idea, Zarah?"

"I know you were a Stormtrooper," she frets, as if she isn't sure she can say the words aloud, but I nod.

"I was," I'm not offended and I find it rather sweet that she is so cautious.

"I think that the battlefield isn't for you, I assume that's why you left-" I don't taint her innocence and tell her it was a lot more than that. "-But you've got a lot of skills that could be useful. I guess what I'm trying to say is you could be a guard," her voice is quiet as if she isn't sure her idea is worth being voiced. I'm surprised by how deeply her thoughts have delved, I don't even know this girl and she seems to know what is best for me. I reach out for her hand to comfort her and to let her know she should be heard.

Zarah gains some confidence from my offer and she lightly rests her tan skin on mine. "You are kind-" she glances at our hands, "-but you're strong and intimidating..." My lips curl into a smile and I try not to laugh, maybe in my old armour I would have been feared, but without it, maybe not so much. "You like to protect people, and help; I heard that it was you who shut down the compound's power source. So if you trained and learnt how our weaponry differs from what you're used to then you could go on missions, without needing to always use your blaster." I stare at her gentle features for a long moment.

Her suggestion shocks me, "Zarah, I think you're on to something," I confess and she smiles, and slowly takes her hand from mine. "Thank you," I state sincerely as she stands up from the seat and walks over to the trays she was organising.

"You're welcome. I'm sure the lady you were kissing that afternoon, Rey?" I nod, "Yeah, she would be happy to have you to protect her," I smirk at her playful attempt to further convince me. She carefully balances the trays and I watch them sit steadily on her open palm and forearm.

"Maybe you're right," I smile as she exits the room, going to deliver the lunches to the patients.

I turn back to Starla and the corners of her eyes crinkle with ages happiness and I chuckle before spooning some more lunch into my mouth. When I look up again I notice Starla is still staring at me, and I glance at her questioningly. "I thought I had you all figured out," she squints her eyes for a moment and leans further across the table.

"Did you now?"

She nods once, "Turns out I think I was wrong," she smiles looking down as she eats some more lunch.

"What makes you say that?" I take a sip of my drink.

"You are generous, dependable, so I thought the infirmary would be the best place for you. I was wrong, she was right, that definitely won't be enough for you. You're made for bigger things." I smile and make a mental note that when I speak to Rey next that I'll see what she thinks of this proposition.

We continue to eat our lunch and we talk about my new housing unit and once the room empties she fills me in on any gossip, like she always would. Except now I know some of the people she mentions.

All of a sudden, just as Starla reaches the climax of an interesting story, I feel a sharp pain shatter from my ankle all the way up my leg. My breath hitches and my eyes squeeze shut.  
"Are you okay?" Starla whispers with concern as I pull my leg out from under the table and bend down to examine it. I have a knowing sensation that nothing has happened to me.

"I'm fine…" I pull my pants up and run my fingers softly over my ankle bone.

"Are you sure?" I nod, but I am then stuck with an uneasy feeling.

Something has happened.

I take a few deep breaths trying to find a calm place. My eyes close as I breathe through the distance and know something has happened to Rey. My eyes prick with tears. I try to search for the Force, and hope it finds me and somehow tells me that she is okay, but I'm not so lucky. All I feel is my connection to Rey and it sears through my skin in a painful reminder that she is not here and I don't know what's happened to her. I begin to fret.  
"Finn," Starla must have moved around the table to my side, because I feel her warm hand on my upper arm. I try to take deep breaths.

"Open your eyes," I do as she says but struggle doing so. "Breathe with me…"

I remember the day looking at Kylo Ren in his cell - and how Poe helped me - but thinking of him only makes it worse. _What if he has her again?_ _What will he do to her?_ I take deep breaths along with Starla but it does nothing to calm me, because my mind keeps racing to the most horrific scenarios that I can conjure.

"Rey," I cough out her name and Starla rubs my arm soothingly.

"She's fine, she's safe…" I shake my head, I have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that is urging me to yell at her that she doesn't understand. My neck can't seem to support my head, my vision blurs and I hang my head. "Hey, hey, Finn," I keep breathing deeply, my eyes closed as I try to get the thoughts out of my head.

My mind scatters and the only thing that I can clearly imagine is seeing him, his ridiculous coat fluttering as he approaches her. His shoulders slumped like they always would be. I feel sick as I picture his gloved hand reaching for her neck, he doesn't have the decency to do it through the Force; which might give her a chance to defend herself. No, he uses his size and strength to overpower her, and my blood runs cold. The thought of it alone makes my stomach churn, but the clear images of the frightened look in her eyes makes my body weak and I feel as if I'm being suffocated myself. I've seen that expression before, I know what it looks like when someone has their around her throat.

I start to cough, violently, and gulp for air as I feel my throat begin to constrict. I need to be with her. My ankle continues to ache but I don't pay much attention to it.

"Take this," Starla's calm voice cuts through my thoughts. I hadn't realised that she'd left me to return with some tablets and a strange blue liquid. I do as she ordered and swallow the pills, washing them down and feel my body instantaneously relax.

The images of Kylo's hands around her throat fades into blurry fragments that fade into the back of my mind where I'm sure my subconscious will discover in the darkness of night.

The restricting feeling around my own neck begins to loosen and I can eventually choke out the words, "Thank you," she nods slowly. I look down at my ankle again, but I can't see any type of bruising or bleeding. _What just happened?_ I wonder to myself quietly and shake my head clearing the remaining images of Kylo and Rey and I just pray my mind has conjured up a horrible scenario and it isn't in fact real. I look at Starla and she has concern etched into every inch of her expression. I try to smile, but my head throbs, "I better go and finish tending to the patients," Starla shakes her head.

"No, you go and rest, you're in no shape to train the rookies. You've gone pale and over overexertion will only do more harm," I shrug.

"I'll be fine, I've pushed through worse," I confess.

"I don't care what you've _pushed through,_ you're under my supervision and care, and I'm telling you to go sleep it off. Call Rey if you feel as though you must, but just get some sleep."

"Okay, fine." I grumble through a sigh.

"I will speak to the General Organa and see if Zarah's idea is plausible." I nod.

"Okay, let me know?"

"I will," she replies almost before I finished my request. "I need to get back to work; will you be okay to get back to your room? I could find someone-"

"No, you don't have to do that. I'll be fine, thank you," She pats my shoulder, just like Poe does before she walks to door. She turns back to me for a brief moment before she sighs with concern, and leaves me alone in the room.

I wait a few more moments for my head to stop spinning and the calming medication to really take effect before I stand to my feet. My ankle aches as I stumble drowsily through the infirmary; it feels like the corridors don't end, they twist and blur in my mind, _maybe someone should have accompanied me_. Just as I am about to turn back thinking I have lost my bearings I finally make it to the shining corridor. I stumble to the end of it, key in the code and clumsily stagger inside.  
I approach the screen and follow the instructions to call the communicated Rey has taken with her. I feel myself sway from side to side as I wait for her to pick up the other line.  
The call runs through without an answer.  
I need to make sure she is okay. I decide I will wait on the couch for a while before I try again. My eyes begin to close on the small walk through the kitchen to the living room. Whatever medicine Starla had given me to regulate my cortisol levels has brought me to the door of sleep and left it wide open; I enter it the moment I collapse onto the couch.

My head throbs as I wake to the sound of a repetitive, shrill beeping. I immediately have a sick feeling fill my chest and it settles all the way down into my stomach, however, I can't seem to remember exactly why. I'm in a hazy state of disconnect from reality, the drugs still in my system.  
I quickly stand and walk over to the videocomm.


	83. Chapter 83

My mind is foggy as I approach the screen built into a wall in the kitchen with heavy feet, I speak the words to activate the call, dragging a chair with me. The screen flickers from black to white as I place the chair down in alignment with the camera. The white screen slowly begins to fade into the beginnings of a person. Anxiety prickles at every inch of my skin, I'm not sure what to expect when I see her. The white turns into a pixelated image of Rey and my heart becomes lighter but my stomach feels heavy.  
Her smile captures her entire face and my worries evaporate, but I can't seem to smile back.  
We just stare at each other for a long time. I don't know what to say. Calmness – one that no drug Starla could supply – overcomes me and I finally succumb to a small smile. It's been a few days and I haven't had the chance to see her and it makes my heart beat faster, and I forget about why I wanted her to call to begin with. It is almost as if I can feel her light seep through the screen and surround me. Her dark green eyes gleam in the light and the space behind her is a black wall.

"Hey..." I say, on the louder side, because I'm not sure how clear the sound quality is.

"Hi..." We are quiet for a moment and it's almost painful. "How are you?" She asks not really looking at me.

"Yeah, good, how are you?" I reuse her question and receive the same response.

We spiral into an awkward silence and it burns my ears; I click my tongue a few times to break it while I think if something to say. Or more accurately, try and remember what it was meant to ask.  
I don't know why we are both struggling to hold a conversation. Maybe because all we have known is intimacy. From the beginning every encounter has been so visceral, so instinctual. Even when we would push each other away it was all emotion and connection. Now we're _together_ but she isn't beside me, and now we have this barrier between us, and everything feels new and awkward.

"I wish you were here," I confess trying to gather my forgotten thoughts, I watch as her apprehension melts.

"I wish I was with you too." As if something clicks, my face falls and I remember the sickening feeling inside my stomach and a subtle ache in my ankle returns for a brief moment as if reminding me why I needed to call her.

"You're not okay," I state, because I know it's the truth and because I know she would try to deny it if I asked. She smiles a tiny smile, but it fades as she closes her eyes and nods through a soft sigh. "What happened?" I add.

"Had a heated encounter, nothing I couldn't handle," I clench my jaw.

"What do you mean?"

She seems to be thinking about her answer very carefully. "I was wandering, and let's just say I wasn't prepared." I feel as if she was here right now that she would have brushed her fingers through my hair.

"Wasn't prepared?" I wait a moment but she doesn't respond. "Are you safe now?" I feel like asking if she needs, or wants, me to come to her, but I restrain from the question. Rey searches my eyes for a moment before nodding.

"Yeah." I believe her, but I still have unease inside of me.

"How's your foot now?" Rey tilts her head.

"I didn't tell you..." She trails off and her eyes flicker down to somewhere below the screen and then back to me. We nod at each other as she remembers that whatever our connection is, it spans between galaxies, tethering us together – at least now I know why it always hurt when we tried to push the other away.

"You didn't have to, I felt it too."

"All of it?" she whispers and I nod.

"All of it," I repeat.

"I'm okay," she looks down.

"It wasn't Kylo. Was it?" I almost beg her for the answer. The fear in her eyes makes me close mine, but when she speaks her voice is strong and defiant. Her fear comes from somewhere Kylo won't ever be able to reach.

"Is he out again?" I shrug.

"I don't know what happened to him, I hope not, that's why I'm asking..."

"Did you think it was him?" her brow creases in concern.

"Of course I did, who else would hurt you like that?" she leans forward, closer to the screen.

"Like what?" I look at her neck; her skin shows no signs of a struggle.

"Suffocate you," she's surprised, and she looks questioningly at me.

"Suff-" she cuts herself off, leans back, and picks up right after, "It wasn't him, I promise." she blinks a few times. I know she's hiding something, or lying, and I can't quite figure out why.

"Who was it then?" I query, I try to be casual and not let on I know she isn't telling me everything.

She goes back to explaining instead of answering the question. I sit back into the chair, I can feel the risen skin of my scar as I lean against it, and it makes me uncomfortable. "I didn't expect to be shoved against a wall, it caught me off guard," she laughs, "I threw him off easily." she's proud and she has the right to be, but my eyes narrow at her choice of words. Rey's eyes flickers away from me and somewhere behind her screen. Her cheeks flush, it's barely noticeable and she blinks a few times, I hear Luke's mumbled voice and Rey nods a few times. As she is turning her attention back to me I click my tongue as I tilt my head slightly; my mouth parts in understanding. I lean forward a little, Rey looks at me with suspicion and concern.

"What's the matter?" She asks.

"When were you going to tell me?" I ask with an eyebrow raised. She tilts her head to mirror mine, and creases her brows, "That it was Luke?" I add. Rey huffs quietly, and then rubs her eyes, before looking at me again.

"How did you..."

"Do you even have to ask anymore," I laugh and smile reassuring her I'm not mad she kept it from me.

"I don't know; when I figured out how I'd tell you so you wouldn't despise him."

"How did you hurt your ankle?" She squints her eyes slightly, unsure where I'm going with the question.

"I rolled it accidently, he started me..." She says quietly.

"Did he hurt you on purpose?"

"No."

"Was it part of training?"

"Of course; he wants me to control my emotions even when the unexpected happens." I nod.

"Okay." I watch her shoulders relax a little.

"Okay?" Rey seems quite surprised be my reaction.

"I trust Luke, he cares about you; a lot more than he admits to himself," Rey smiles but it fades quickly. "It wasn't Kylo and you're okay, and that's all I need to know to make sure you're safe."

"I was worried about how you'd react when I found a way to tell you."

"Why's that?"

"I wasn't sure if you'd tell me to come back home, or you'd be mad at Luke for using the Force against me."

"As much as I want you to be here with me, that wouldn't be fair," her eyes shine a little bit brighter. "Not to worry, you'll have your own personal body guard soon. Well I'll mainly be yours." her brows twitch.

"My, what?" Rey seems a little uneasy.

"When my rehabilitation rounds are over, I will join the negotiation missions and help keep a watch over things as well as keeping the peace," I grin and can't help but puff my chest.

"Finn..." Rey's disappointment makes my heart sink into my stomach. A gnawing irritation mixes with the redness of shame and they overcome me all at once.

"Yeah?" I ask quietly, losing my confidence. I focus on the way her hair shines, the light dances upon the left side more than the right.

"I don't need you following me everywhere you know that right."

"I, yeah I know, but... I thought you'd be happy, I might be able to come on missions with you."

"I'm happy about that," she reassures me immediately, "But do you really want to be a part of that again?"

"A part of what?"

"Something that is so-"

I cut her off "Rey, this is nothing like the First Order, I'll be spreading peace. I want to help, not sit around and wait for another one of our pilots to have a near fatal crash and help them heal. I don't want to fight, but I do want you to be safe and the rest of us. We can't risk losing anyone else; not after the invasion." Rey immediately starts to grin and I don't understand why.

"Did you hear what you just said?" Her voice is full of joy and I rethink my wording, did I make a joke by accident? My silence is enough of a response for her. "You said 'we', Finn, that's the first time you've associated yourself with the Resistance."  
I smile softly at her, I didn't realise that, and I adore the fact that she did; that she cares enough to pay attention.  
"What's that look for?" She asks quietly.

"I just can't wait until you come back," if I could kiss her through this communicator I would. My fingers twitch with irritation.

"I shouldn't be much longer, about a week, maybe two," I groan instantly. Rey blinks slowly; I don't want her to feel bad for doing what she was destined to, but I can't help but let my irritation show. "I better go. Luke has organised more peace meetings. I never thought being a Jedi would be so boring," she laughs and I smile.

"It'd be worth it though," I smile and she is silent for a moment.

"I love you," she states softly with a little smile and bright eyes. She looks younger when she says the words out loud.

"I love you too." I'm sure I return her exact look. She turns and looks at somewhere off the screen.

"I'll see you soon," the hope in her eyes has the opposite effect and my heart aches. She waves, mouths a small goodbye, and turns off the screen.

"Bye," I whisper to my reflection in the screen.

I sigh and run my hands through my hair. Why is it so hard to live without her?

All I want is to kiss her, and feel her, and hear her talk to me about her day, but she's with Luke half a galaxy away. Just thinking about Rey makes me long for her; in selfish ways. The relief that still flows in my veins gives me the urge to jump in a ship and fly to her, just so she isn't in my memories anymore. So I can sweep her off her feet and kiss every inch of her and remind her how much I love her and how thankful I am she is okay.  
But I'm here, sat on a chair in the middle of the kitchen, and know if she was here I'd do so much more than kiss her. I'd give her anything she asked for... But she isn't here, and annoyance prickles at the back of my neck. I groan and feel the light she so easily provides me fade, like it always does when she leaves.

I can't help but feel a small piece of anger rise in me at the thought of Luke overpowering Rey. My blind relief and rationality over their encounter fades when it hits me that he hurt her. Granted it wasn't intentional and in the moment I was okay with it, because it wasn't Kylo, but now I feel less forgiving.

**

Another hour ticks by and as I stand off the couch – where I had been brooding – to retire to the bedroom I remember what I promised Poe earlier this morning.  
I rush from the bedroom grabbing my hand-me-down leather jacket and slip it over my infirmary uniform and rush to the dining hall.

**

Poe and I are in the dining hall eating our stew in relative silence. I keep swirling my spoon around starring deep into the dark soup, my mind elsewhere, but where exactly I cannot say. I hadn't realised Poe had been asking for my attention until he waves his hand in front of my face.

"I have felt blizzards warmer than your attitude. What's wrong?"  
I open my mouth to respond but I close it again, not sure how to express my feelings.  
"Missing your girl?"

I look up from my bowl and across the table to where Poe sits in his usual spot.  
Today the General had some of the construction team saw the section of the bench that Poe had unofficially claimed years ago, so that he can now wheel his chair into its slot. It really is his place now, no one else can sit there unless they bring their own chair. I have to get accustomed to looking a lot lower than I am used to though.  
Poe gazes back me with curiosity. He squints his eyes, "This is about Luke isn't it?"

I sigh, and I don't deny it.

"Rey isn't going to leave you for that old codger," not even his laugh makes me smile.

"She already did," I mutter and look down, continuing to stir my stew.

"What do you mean?"

"She's not here, is she..." I mumble, I keep our commcall private, knowing the minute I open my mouth to explain why I'm really angry Poe will just laugh and tell me I'm being ridiculous and that Luke didn't mean to hurt her.

"Finn," I look up again and see him with one raised eyebrow. "Rey is new to the whole 'Jedi' thing, she has someone who can teach her and help her..."

If he is trying to make me feel comforted he is indeed doing quite the opposite. "I know, but..."

Poe shakes his head "I wasn't finished," I flicker my eyes down for a moment and place the spoon in my mouth, gulping down some of the barely warm stew before looking back up. "Rey's fate was always intertwined with Luke's. But it was something more than destiny that binds the two of you. Rey loves you, utterly and completely – that was beyond obvious from the moment she came rushing back when she found out you were awake – I'm sure it is tearing her up being apart from you too." I am not sure how to respond. I can't help but smile and let the acceptance that he is right settle in, "That's better," he adds quietly. I watch as he sighs before resting his head on his hand, then I look down at my unappealing stew.


	84. Chapter 84

++++  
I am so sorry for my unexplained absence, I had some major assessments and exams and just hadn't found time to edit, but guess what? I should be back to regular updates now, I have missed updating, Thank you, and I hope you still support this fanfiction. I love you.  
++++

Poe pulls his lips into a tight smile. "You done?" He asks and I look down to see both my hands are in my lap and I'm sitting away from my bowl. I nod and pass it into his outstretched hand. He wheels over to the conveyor belt and places it on so they will be taken into the kitchen and cleaned.

"Come on," I offer and stand up as he wheels back over to me. He spins around and rolls alongside me, weaving through the people crowding inside as we exit the hall. I grab hold of the handles and push him down the corridors towards the housing unit.

"How was work today?" His voice echoes slightly in the empty halls; we left the dining hall quite early therefore it was still busy in there.

"Started slow," I watch his wavy hair shine under the lights as he nods. I chose to not burden him with more talk of Rey. "Do you know Zarah?"

"I trained her as a rookie for a few weeks. Why?"

"Oh," my surprise is genuine, "I was just curious, she seems very quiet."

"She is, she slipped under my radar."

"Why didn't she complete the program?"

"I'm not sure. One day we did a dogfight simulation and she quietly pulled me aside and told me she couldn't do it. That was a few months ago, then I woke up and saw her working around the infirmary. I guess she found another calling."

"Hmm," I agree and nod even though Poe can't see.

"Why are you asking?" He turns around slightly to look over the back of the chair and in my general direction.

"No reason, she just gave me a suggestion that's all."

"That was kind of her."

"Very. I think I'm doing to listen to her," Poe smiles and turns back around. I push him in silence the rest of the way to the door, and key in the code.

"I'm going to have a shower, make yourself at home," Poe nods and places his bag onto the floor.

"Want me to put that in your room?" I offer.

"My room..." He trails off.

"Yeah, it might as well be yours when you stay here," Poe grins and picks up the bag and passes it to me.

"Thank you," his voice is quiet but his smile is huge.

"Not a problem." I call as I walk down the hall, carefully chucking the bag in the share room as I pass it on my way to the ensuite.

The shower washes away the day, the memory of Rey's pain and the medication that still causes my eyes to blink slowly. I rub some sweet smelling soaps into my skin, feeling the unravelling tie of belonging tighten itself again.  
My hands tighten the faucets and the splattering water shuts off. As I open the shower door the sound of screeching and an eruption of sound echoes around the entire house. Penetrating the walls and my initial confused shock morphs into a sickening worry.

"Poe?" There is no response to my loud shout. I roughly run the towel over my wet skin. Droplets of water cause my undergarments to awkwardly stick to the curves of my body, and the ben shorts itch when I shove my legs in them. I shake out my hair the best I can before I rush from the ensuite, the door still swinging on its hinges by the time I reach the bedroom door. I pace down the hallway quickly, my heart beat pounding in my ears. Too many thoughts and scenarios flood through my mind and most of them include Kylo Ren for no logical reason. So I am calmed when I walk out and don't see his looming figure, but I'm devastated by the sight I am so ungraciously welcomed to.  
Poe is on the floor of the kitchen one of the cupboards is wide open and his wheelchair has tipped. As I step closer into the kitchen I see the way Poe is twisted, and crumpled on the floor, but he makes no attempt to push himself up.

"Poe," my lip shakes at the sight of him, and I take a few steps towards his bent body.

Without looking at me he shouts, "Don't!"

"But..."

"Finn, just leave me."  
I disobey his order and walk into the kitchen. I sit down on the tiled floor and lean against a cabinet, my knees brought to my chest.

"Are you okay?" I ask tentatively.

"I'm fine!" He snaps again and his tone chips and my heart.

"Did you hurt yourself?" His eyes lock with mine and they blaze with anger.

"There's not much more I can do to hurt myself, is there?" I stay silent, my heart aches and my stomach churns. Without warning he starts to sob, twisting his face to the floor to try and muffle the sound. But it's loud and unforgiving; his entire body shakes with the effort.

I silently start to inch closer to him until I'm cross-legged by his side. With apprehension I slowly extend my hand and rest it on his shoulder, I rub small circles which become larger and more comforting when he doesn't reject me. Soon I have my pulled him up and into me, he apprehensively wraps his arms around me, and I tighten my hold on him. He's finally broke his facade and I think it's more than just accidently toppling over that caused it.  
I close my eyes when I realise just how hard it must be for him, and I'm selfishly grateful I'm here to help him through it. Rey was right I do need to be here for him.

I keep rubbing circles into his back and I don't say anything. I wait patiently until his harsh breathing slows and he awkwardly tries to move away from me. I lean forward and grasp the wheel of his chair and turn it upright with one hand while I keep Poe supported against me with my other.

"I'm s-" I shake my head and cut him off.

"Don't. Now let me help you," he closes his eyes and huffs. I carefully support him and stand him up the best I can. His legs are limp and unresponsive as I awkwardly manoeuvre him and place him in the chair. I kneel in front of him, my hands on his thighs.

"Look at me," I plead, and he does, he opens his eyes and they're bloodshot and teary.

I take a deep breath. Poe is the strong one and it is almost too hard for me try and hold him together. I don't know how to make it better.

"I can't do it anymore," his voice is barely a whisper.

"Do what?" I ask looking at the way his hands grip the arms of the chair so tightly his knuckles are turning a sickening white.

"All of it... live like this, I can't even open that damn cupboard without making a mess. I'm a mess and I can't fix it."

"Don't say that, you can do this. Your rehab must be helping, it'll just take time," my optimistic smile fades when Poe's water eyes brim with bitter tears.

"No, Finn, obviously it isn't helping, can't you see?" I shake my head.

"See what?"

"None of it is working. I can take a single step, and everyone knows it is useless. They cut out the damn bench for me!" He takes a deep breath, trying to control his anger. "Everyone knows: there is no point trying anymore..."

"There are so many reasons to keep trying, you can't give up." I try and encourage him; I shuffle a bit closer to his chair, take my hands of his legs and grasp his forearms.

"Give me one reason..." He doesn't meet my eye any longer.

"Can I be selfish and ask you to do it for me?" He closes his eyes and sighs. "Do it to prove them all wrong, Poe, do it for yourself!"

"Finn, really there is nothing they can do." his tone has switched from one of anger to one of convincing severity.

"There must be," I refuse to believe that there is no other treatment.

"I tried, I am trying, and nothing has worked. I have tried all their methods," I squeeze his forearms my eyes betraying me and tears prick my eyes as well. Poe takes his arm out of my grip and rests his hand on my shoulder, gripping tightly.

"Be strong, please..." I take a deep breath and nod. I stand up and he watches as I do so. "It isn't all bad, everyone gives me special treatment," he lightens the mood and snort a small laugh.

"I ask them for something and invariably it ends up in my hands a moment later," I chuckle.  
"I'm okay, really."

"It doesn't seem like it…" I trail off, Poe wheels himself out of the kitchen.

"I just needed a bit of a cry, don't think I've gone all soft on you," I can hear the grin in his voice, and before I can respond he changes the subject. "So, when does Rey come back?"

I shrug, "A week or so," Poe nods.

"Will you make it?" Poe asks.

"Yeah," I groan and breathe a light-hearted laugh.

"So, do you need anything?" I look up at the open cupboard.

"No it's okay," I nod, whatever he was after to cause his fall must no longer be wanted. "I just wanted to see if I could reach it," he adds.

We stay up for a while longer, he asks how the pilots and soldiers are faring in rehab, and I tell him about joining the negotiation team.  
Poe tells me, that he will continue to take his medication, but knows rehab is a waste of everyone's time, so he will resign from the program.

"We need to get you back in the air, Poe," this captures Poe's attention and his intense eyes focus on mine.

"I think I need to focus on teaching the new recruits the ropes, get them in the air."

"What about you?"

"Maybe one day I'll be able to find a fly to fly again. I need something else to focus on, something that won't frustrate me."

"We'll figure it out," I yawn, my mind still slightly foggy, my eyes weighed down.

We decide to get some sleep, so I help him get ready for bed, and tuck him in nice and tight. "Thanks, dad," he mumbles with a glint of humour in his eye.

"Sweet dreams, Dameron," I scoff.

"Goodnight, Finn," he calls as I leave the room and switch off the hallway light before heading to sleep myself.


	85. Chapter 85

A few days have passed, Poe visited often, he had even spoken to Rey over the videocomm a few times but I'd leave the room so their conversations stayed private.

Poe hasn't stayed the night since he confessed his true feelings about his injuries: telling me that he likes his own space, and being able to do things without assistance, but wish he could stay because I want his company.

"Finn," a voice tears me from my thoughts and I turn my head to see Starla approach as I hand in the holocharts back to XR49P.

"Hey."

"Are you busy?"

"No, I've finished for the day?" I take a glance at the clock; it is only just turning midday.

"Bradlee and Ryand are being released," the brothers had only just been admitted a few days prior. Her relaxed expression doesn't seem to be one of joy at their recovery.

"So that just leaves Jaeden?"

"Yes, exactly, General Organa enquired if you wish to begin training?" my brows twitch with surprised; I had not known that the general had agreed.

"Yes, I would like that, a lot." I can't help but grin, Starla nods.

"The team is coming together for a briefing in a few hours in the compound, you're welcome to join."

"I'll be there."

"Good," she begins to turn around, but stops and twists back on her heels to face me, her short hair swishing with the force of the movement. "Are you feeling better?" her voice is soft, unlike her previous motion.

"Better, thank you for asking," I shift my weight slightly.

"What about Rey, did you get in contact with her the other day?"

"Yeah, she's having as much fun as Luke allows," I can't help but smile as I recall our conversation the other morning when she told me the night before they played some sort of hologram game and they used the force to move the tokens.

"So that wouldn't be a lot I take it?" she smirks, and her wink was so quick I almost missed it.

"I wouldn't say you were wrong," I chuckle, knowing it would have been a very rare occasion for him to play a game.

"Poe seems happier," her voice is quiet, as if it's a secret, and I suppose it kind of is. An infirmary full of physicians might not be the best place to state that a previous patient is doing much better outside of the clinic.

"He is coping the best he can," I give her a small half smile and she returns it.

"I'm sure I'll see you around, be careful training," she turns back on her heels and disappears down the corridor and then down the stairs.

**

Rey gives me the bad news that, particularly chilly, evening.

"I won't be able to come home for another week," she closes her eyes, anticipating and bracing herself for the loud sigh I try unsuccessfully to hide, I watch her tense slightly.

"It's okay," I can't help but sound as defeated as I feel.

"I miss you," is the closest thing to an explanation she is able to give me.

"I start training tomorrow," I fill the silence that was only making us miserable.

"You do?" she sounds surprised, but her shoulders loosen when she realises I won't push her for an explanation, I know she wouldn't stay longer unless there was a reason. If I ever meet this new king I will be sure he is following the advice he is avoiding so Rey won't be sent back again.

"All the patients have been discharged, except for Jaeden."

Rey nods slowly, "Are you excited?" she smiles brightly; obviously she is able to feel my joy as well.

"I can't wait," my eyes squint slightly as I grin. "Poe is running the program with some other commanders. We had a meeting a few hours ago," I begin and Rey leans closer to the monitor. "We train four times a day, two hours blocks with an hour in between, so I will be able to go to the clinic to help Jaeden, and anyone else who needs it as well." I am grateful at how the timetable works out and I remember Poe's bright smile when he handed me my new uniform.

"I'll have to come and watch you once I get back," she smiles tightly and I nod enthusiastically.

"I can't wait!"

We chat for a while longer, Rey tells me about her training with Luke and how he keeps testing her patience and addressing any situation where her anger levels could rise, so that she can handle them with tranquillity instead of rage. She calls it a night and we share a quick goodbye and then she shuts off her communicator and my screen turns black.

The nights are becoming a lot cooler and I find myself wearing a few extra layers to bed to compensate for the lack of Rey. I am becoming too accustomed to the empty space beside me, and I am unsure how I will cope another week sleeping alone. I twist and turn around under the sheets, pulling them close to my chin, trying to will sleep upon me. It takes a while but eventually I am able to slip into a long sleep.

I wake up late the next morning, definitely not the way I wanted to start my first day of training, I groan and roll out of the sheets. I quickly get undressed, catching a glimpse of my jagged scar in the reflection but don't by much attention as I stretch and twist to try and erase the evidence of sleepy, tight muscles. I awkwardly try to shimmy into my new uniform and making sure it looks presentable before making my way out of the unit.  
Grabbing some fruit from the dining hall and quickly passing everyone, my head down, focused on the concrete that moves like a dark wave under my feet as I make my way out of the compound and to training block. I realise once I arrive that I am not as late as I thought and other people are filing in.  
Poe is waiting patiently at the entrance, grinning when he sees me approaching.

"Looking good soldier," Poe looks me up and down before laughing and rolling into the small building.

"Thanks," I call and he give me a thumbs up.

We are briefed and then split into groups: offence and defence, and then we run a few basic drills. After each break everyone returns to their other duties; some are nurses or work in administration, others are the chefs from the diner, or are part of the maintenance crew. However, they all seem to have the same agenda: learning how to defend themselves, and the Resistance.

I visit Jaeden and we dead lift some weights together, his back strength is coming along and he is getting better, adding an extra kilo every few days.

I make my way back to the block and we continue to train. The second round involves no physical component, we are given a layout of the program, Poe and the other commanders go through it with us. The training intensifies as the days go on, we will learn about team work and the handling the weaponry, it seems almost too similar to Stormtrooper training, but then it is explained that we will learn how to defuse a heated situation and the best ways to avoid violence, as well as a lot of theory and body language lessons, which I could still use some skill interpreting. I know this is not going to feel like the simulations we were forced to complete in the First Order and I can't hide my grin when I am congratulated on my enthusiasm at the end of the first day.

**

The week passes, and I have found a pleasant routine: eat, train, visit Jaeden, train eat, train, help in the infirmary, train, eat and spend time with Poe then sleep.

I tap my foot on the tarmac, pacing back and forth. I miss her, and I have to stop my mind from wandering to the inappropriate thoughts I have at night or else I'll have some embarrassing second glances from people who walk past. I try to breathe through the adrenaline. I close my eyes, but I can't help but see her peacefully erotic face as she moans my name.

I see the Falcon glide over the tree tops and land near the wildflowers at the edge of the forest. I try to contain my excitement and walk under the freighter and head towards the ramp which seems to lower too slowly.  
Her hair is tied back, three buns, of course. Her tunic the same but her shoes have a few more scrapes compared to when she left. Her smile is full of joy and I walk a few steps up the ramp to meet her. She is up slightly higher than me and she presses her forehead against mine just taking a moment to look into my eyes. Her feet slide down and the tips of our shoes crush together softly. I lean forward and her press her lips to mine. We both take deep breathes simultaneously, and our noses brush as we get used to each other again. My hands are pressed into her sun damaged hair and hers clutch at my shirt, nearly dragging it from my body.  
I kiss her deeply, with a hunger I only have for her. She sighs into me and I open her mouth with my lips and let my tongue explore her even though I know each curve.  
I break us apart, my hands slide down her arms and I wrap them around her back pulling her into a tight hug. Her arms wrap around my waist. I breathe her in; the scent of sand still lingers in her skin. I never thought I'd love the smell of Jakku. She kisses my chest and I kiss her hair.

"Hey," she mumbles the greeting into fabric.

"Hi," I kiss the top of her head again, but itch for a lot more. "Miss me?" I quiz.

She pulls out of the embrace and looks me in the eye, hers twinkle with mischief. "Nah, I was too busy," my hands runs down her back and grip her hips.

I lean down so my lips are against her ear. "I think you're lying."

"I think you're right," she breaks, and then presses her lips to my jaw as I pull away from her. "It was boring and all I thought about was you," her fingertips slide under the hem of my shirt. We hear loud beats of shoes on metal, so Rey slowly takes her hand out; but holds me tightly.

"Luke," I nod a greeting to the elderly man who walks down the ramp beside Chewie. He nods back at me. Chewie grumbles something I don't understand.

"Young love, my friend, young love," he states with a faraway expression. Chewie shrugs and grumbles in an incomprehensible acceptance.

I turn back to Rey, "Can we-"

"Poe!" Rey calls, cutting me off when she sees the soon to be again pilot wheeling around near our hangar. "Sorry, I'll be right back," she slips from my grip and rush over to him, holding her lightsaber to her side so it doesn't fly off the clip. I stand on the ramp for a while, rather dumbfounded. _Did she just leave me for Poe?_ I laugh at the absurdity before I slowly walk down the ramp. I do not interrupt instead I sit on the end of the ramp and wait for her to come back. Their conversation doesn't last long but I see Poe's happy smile and he nods. Unexpectedly Rey starts to bounce on her toes and she looks back at me, eyes shining before she looks back at Poe and they speak only for a moment longer.

Rey rushes back over to me and as I stand to my feet it is like I'm overcome by the fact she is in front of me again, I think she is too. She reacts out and grasps my upper arm, for confirmation that I'm really in front of her. Her jaw goes slack, and her eyes flicker from my eyes to my arm. "Finn," Rey grips onto my bicep tighter and I instinctively flex. Her eyes darken and I tilt my head to coax her to look up at me again.

"Is everything okay?" Her fingers run smoothly over my skin as if weighing it in her mind. She raises one eyebrow and bites her lip a little, heat spreads through me as she looks back into my eyes. Both of her hands delicately examine the span of my bicep.

"Mmm," she hums in affirmation. "How long have I been gone?" She doesn't let me answer before continuing, "You've worked out since I left," I blush and shrug.

"Well, I guess. Rehab has become more intense for the patients, and I've started training..." She looks back at my arms as she squeezes them softly.

"I think you should put these muscles to good use," she winks and the blood rushes from my cheeks down my body.

"How would I do that?" My voice is rough and deep and I almost feel the way Rey reacts to me.

"That's up to you, soldier," she bites her lip further before letting it go. I watch the way she licks them, my thoughts are more than enough for me to become flustered. We have a long walk back and I grab her hand and pull her off the ramp and towards the compound.

"I think we have some catching up to do," I hint at my intentions and her eyes flicker with lust.

"Lead the way," she is chirpy and my hand finds hers. When I realize just how far away we are from our bedroom I become increasingly irritated and tug her hand to walk a bit faster.  
She has to skip every few steps to keep up and I grin over my shoulder at her. We pass the dining hall and she waves to one of the cooks who is closing the doors for a few hours before they reopen for the dinner rush.

I feel as though I need to fill the silence even though I really don't want to be exchanging words with her. "Did you have a good trip besides that one day?" I ask loudly.

"Yeah, it's all fine. I didn't do any damage or anything. I'm glad I'm back though. Next time you're coming with me."

"Agreed."

"How was it around here?" She skips up to my speed again.

"Fine, Poe stayed over a couple of nights. I ran rehab, trained and that's about it," I give her a sideways glance. Her cheeks are a little red and I nearly trip over my feet, _will this hallway never end?_

Finally we reach the new corridor especially built to lead to our home and I fumble over the code, my shaky fingers get it wrong the first time. I feel Rey's impatience radiate and it mixes with my desire for her. Finally the door opens. I pull her inside and the front door barely closes before I turn around and push her against it. My mouth immediately presses to hers and she gasps, my tongue against hers and the sensation is intoxicating. I tear my lips from her and start to make my way across her neck. Her hand tugs at my hair and she sighs.

"I've been thinking about you," I confess and swipe my tongue along her collarbone before kissing her sensitive skin.

"So have I," she admits and I moan into her neck. I step close which pushes her back against the door. She grinds her hips against mine, noticing the way the front of my pants already strains. "Bedroom?" She breathes.

"Good idea," she grabs my hand and she pulls me down the hall and into our room. She lets me go and disappears into the adjoining bathroom. I pull off my shirt and slip my pants down. I hear the faucet run for a moment. I'm standing in the middle of the room when Rey walks out just in her undergarments.

I can't tear my eyes from her chest, cupped high enough to create a small but noticeable dip in between. I hadn't realised I paced up to her until my fingers caresses over her skin, following the curve of her bust. My other hand grasps onto her bare skin. I see small bruises running down her abdomen, for a moment I fret before I realise they're from my lips and it only makes me want to add more.

I decide to just say it. There is no point hiding the fact I want her.

"Rey, do you still have those tablets?" I hint and she grins.

"I took one," my brows rise in surprise.

"I saw the way you were looking at me when I got off that ship. I thought we wouldn't make it into the house," she moans as I lift her up and wrap her legs around my waist.

"I almost didn't," I walk us around the bed, and somehow skilfully manage to climb on so she sits in my lap and my back is against the headboard. My hand cups her breast and I massage her, my thumb dipping into her cleavage. There is something about the way they look that ties knots inside me, I think she knew it would, because she has a devilish grin on her lips. I do enjoy the way she looks with her chest covered but I love it more when she doesn't have anything on at all. I fiddle with the clip, throw the material across the room and immediately bury my face in her chest. Her hands press against my shoulder blades, pulling me into her.

"Is it okay, if we..." I start to ask as I pull back from her

"I want you," she announces and kisses my cheeks. "And I want you to want me too,"

"Oh I do. I do," I reply firmly and she grins, and somehow, some instinct inside me immediately encourages me to grasp her hips and roll her against me. She presses herself tighter around my legs, she starts slide down the bed and I do that same. She ends up straddling my waist, her hands run across every inch of my chest and my hands continue to rock her hips against mine until I feel the build up of pleasure, and she can feel it too. We are all gasps and grunts as we awkwardly dispose of our undergarments, and the skin on skin contact nearly drives me insane. I have to restrain from lifting her up and sitting her right on top of me. No, she sets the pace, not me. Rey takes control of her movements and she rubs her slick entrance up and down my length.

I moan and she sighs. I'm nervous, she's impatient, but we are both bursting from anticipation.

Rey mirrors my expression. I close my eyes as she takes both cheeks and crashes her lips to mine. I feel her attempt to lower herself onto me, but she whimpers in pain and sits back up again, not taking her lips from mine. My heart aches and I rub my hands over her hips to try and soothe her. Her lip shakes against mine, but she kisses me harder so I can't form words to ask if she is okay. She takes one hand from my cheek and runs it down my body as she tries again, this time I feel her small hand try to guide me but it doesn't work. She sucks in a breath through her teeth.

"Finn," she mutters into my mouth, she's frustrated. I run my hands up and down her sides. "I don't know how..." Her voice is small, defeated, as if she's let me down. I moan and tear my lips from hers and I kiss down her neck. I don't want her to feel this way. Everything else we have tried has worked, and felt amazing, but none of it was forced, Poe told me to make sure Rey was comfortable. I suck on Rey's neck softly and she whimpers. I think it's time I step up.


	86. Chapter 86

"Okay," I kiss her neck as I carefully flip us around so Rey's back is on the mattress. "Tell me when you're close," I whisper, as my hand reaches between our bodies. She is already soaking and I haven't touched her, it makes me smirk that she gets so excited so easily. I have to remind myself it's been a month since she left and I can barely hide my desperation too. I kiss Rey's jawline and slowly try and relax her, it doesn't take long for her breath to catch and my name to slip into my hair.  
I can tell a few moments before she informs me that if I don't stop my movements this will end a lot earlier than we intended.

I rest my forehead against hers kissing her softly a few times as I run my hand down her leg and wrap it over my back which brings her entrance closer to me. Rey bites her lip and blushes at my control and dominance. I'm throbbing for her and she wriggles with want for me. I kiss her neck again, and her hand reaches between us and she pumps my length for a moment, I groan my kisses become wet and sloppy. I lick and suck at her collarbone and it causes her hips to buck into me and we moan together. I take that as a sign to try again, I pull back so that I can see her dark eyes, begging for me the way I'm sure mine beg for her. I lead myself forward slowly. Rey closes her eyes, holds her breath and I feel the way she tenses under me.

"No, no, Rey," I stop and she pouts, her eyes closed. "Look at me," I whisper, and she slowly opens her eyes, I watch her chest start to rise and fall again and she melts into the mattress. I smile and start to leave small kisses on her swollen lips. "Relax," I whisper so quietly, my voice so deep, that I feel her loosen her tight muscles so quickly that her leg nearly slips off my back, but I catch it and bring it up higher. I stop kissing her and keep my head buried in her warmth. I barely touch her and I moan, Rey is silent, concentrating on keeping her breathing level. I push in and I look at her. Her eyes are pinched closed, I rub her thigh. Her fingers dig into my waist it is as if she is clawing for confirmation that it's me. "I've got you," I whisper, my voice thick, she smiles for a moment. I push a bit further in and the feeling is indescribable. She whimpers and it is louder than she intended, and she opens her eyes quickly to make sure I don't pull away.

"Don't stop," she pleas and her eyes brim with tears.

"Rey..." it's hard to breathe, my mind is cloudy, blurred by the pleasure she is giving me.

"Please," she begs. "Kiss me," I close my eyes, trying not to think about her pain, she knows I can feel it too. I do as she asks and lightly press my lips to hers. She tries to bring me closer to her, pushing me in deeper. I sigh into her mouth and she lets out a shaky moan. I cringe slightly when I push in all the way, a shiver ripples down my spine and I can't seem to move, I'm not sure if I should.

"I love you," I whimper into her, completely still.

"I love you too, but I need you to move because this is getting uncomfortable..." she giggles but it is strained. I capture her bottom lip between mine and suck on it as I reluctantly recede from her before I push in, my lips skim across her face as I bury my head into her hair. My movements are slow and precise. My breathing is shaky as I try to focus on being as gentle as I can, but my mind blurs from the immense pleasure.  
Rey holds my face against the side of her neck. "Are you okay?" She breathes heavily.

I can't answer her; I can't even retain her words before they swim out of my mind. The only affirmation I give is a sigh that sounds like a heavy moan while I keep kissing her. I slowly have my way with her and she lets me lead, occasionally she'll move her hips to try and time with my gentle thrusts. One of my hands cups her chest and I massage her and she sighs into the feeling, but I know I'm not making her feel as good as I have before. I kiss her across her jaw before I kiss her, my tongue running over hers. My movements are controlled and slow and I try to make her comfortable. my hand runs along her body, dipping into the curve of her hip and up her thigh which is still on my back.

There is so much I want to say to her in this moment. I want to spill my heart to her. Tell her how much she means to me, that she is beautiful; tell her I'd be nothing without her... But nothing comes out of my mouth besides moans and gasps for air.  
I feel perspiration prickle at my skin, as I gently rock my warm body into hers. We rest of foreheads together and I am panting as Rey takes one hand from my face and grasps onto my hip guiding my motions and feeling my muscles move under my skin. Her fingers circle little patterns in a reassuring way and it draws me nearer to the edge. I feel the pleasure creep deeper and lower, and my movements become slightly sloppy.

Rey leans up; I press my forehead against hers and look into her eyes, our hips still rolling together.  
Everything seems to slow down.  
Rey closes her eyes and I do the same as I lean down and I kiss her lips with such intensity I think I feel the universe shift. I swear that I can hear birds singing on distant planets, and I see the beauty of the galaxies in all their volatile splendour behind my closed eyes. I am almost unaware of the way our bodies still move in a slow rhythm, because this kiss has taken me to an entirely different lifetime. I see the birth of suns, and planets spin, I see stars die and colours swirl together in an endless kaleidoscope of magnificence. After so many kisses and times of intimacy, this kiss is bursting with a new level of passion and worship for each other, and I can't quite believe what is happening. Rey is invading my senses, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Her tongue caresses over mine and I can taste our past; our love, our pain, our desperation for each other. I smell her sweet aroma, which still, after all this time, has the remnants of Jakku; if I wasn't so overcome I would wonder if I still carry the scent of chemicals and sterile surfaces. The feeling of her body beneath me returns, the feeling of her hand which still draws patterns into my waist, and her other buried in my hair as I kiss her. She grips my waist a bit tighter and pushes herself a little closer, pressing her lips harder against mine and bringing me deeper inside her. As I fade back into reality one roll of her hips is all I need to spill my love inside her, Rey's breath catches and she shudders softly.

I pull away from her to look upon her flushed cheeks and red lips. She is breathing deeply she must have felt it too. "Whoa…" She lets her disbelief seep out with her sigh and her eyes flutter closed. I can't hold myself up and I let myself nearly collapse onto her.

"Whoa…" I repeat in the same tone. I puff into her neck as my heartbeat starts to regulate. Rey brings her other hand down my body and grasps the other side of my waist.

"Can you, uh..." Rey lightly pushes against me.

It takes me a moment to realise, "Sorry," I whimper and carefully pull out of her.

As her leg falls from my back she tells me not to apologise. I look between our bodies but Rey quickly places her fingers under my chin and drags my eyes from the sheets.

"I'm fine." Her tone is certain and firm and her eyes search mine, but I close them. I breathe deeply as I try to accept everything that happened. When I open my eyes I look down once more, but she stops me, again.

"Why didn't-" she puts her finger to my lips. "But-"

"Don't say anything," she tries to sit up, attempting not to show her discomfort, but I see it. "Don't look at me like that," She moves both hands to cup my cheeks and her thumbs delicately trace the skin under my eyes, her gentle gesture makes me smile a little. "I love you," she whisper, my smile immediately widens and Rey giggles. "That's better." She repeats the motion and kisses me tenderly. My hands run up and down her sides and her skin rises with small bumps from the cold air that has started to penetrate the warm bubble we'd created together.

"I'm going to have a shower," she whispers and my chest feels heavy. I feel my smile fade as I wonder what I've done wrong, I attempt to speak but Rey speaks first.  
"No, I'm not mad at you. Yes I'll be okay. No I am not running away from you. Yes you were amazing. And, yes I'll be quick," she answers all the questions before they form in my mind and she kisses my cheek repeatedly. Rey slowly drags herself to the edge of the bed, internally motivating herself before she stands to her feet. She wobbles and I immediately reach out for her, but she regains her coordination. She goes to the closet and retrieves her night gown and then walks into the ensuite.


	87. Chapter 87

She is only in the shower for a short time before she comes back out, hair wet and nightgown sticking to her damp skin in some places. I have put on some new undergarments and changed the bed sheets. I sit up against the headboard, my legs outstretched.

"Thank you," she whispers, glancing at the dirty pile of sheets and climbing back onto the clean bed. She is glowing, I don't know if it's because of the shower but she definitely looks different. She crawls up close to me and goes to cross her legs and I see her cringe ever-so-slightly. Although she is so radiant I see in her eyes that she is hurting. I clench my jaw but she rests her hand on my thigh and leans forward to press her lips to my cheek. She changes her mind about how she is sitting and comes closer to me. She sits beside me, stretching her legs out like me, but she presses her back into my chest, her wet hair is cold as it slowly drips down my neck and shoulders. I instinctively wrap my arm around her waist and hold her gently.

"I'm sorry, I tried to... I didn't want to hurt you," I try to make her understand.

"Finn…" I know she is setting up to build an argument against me, I can hear it in her tone.

"But you didn't enjoy it..." I mutter.

"What do you mean?" I open my mouth to respond but she doesn't let me. She sits forward and twists so she can look me on the eyes. She looks exhausted. "I've never felt so at ease. Watching you, feeling you, I want it all again," she kisses my lips to confirm her words, sealing them between us. "I won't lie and say it was comfortable but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it."

"I know you didn't finish," she leans over my torso and takes my hand, locking our fingers together.

"I didn't need to." She brings our hands up and kisses the back of mine before resting them in my lap. "Next time," she winks and I feel cheeks warm and my lips tug up. "Finn, It was our first time, it'll get easier," I hold her gaze for a long moment before she looks down at our hands. "Was I... Was it good for you?" She stutters and corrects herself, and I sigh. My skin tingles and I feel my worry and guilt morph into understanding. She is okay; if I keep telling her I didn't want to hurt her she is going to think I don't want her at all. I can see it in her eyes now; she is concerned she wasn't good enough.

" _You_ were amazing. I never dreamed I could feel so good," I admit to her. She blushes and her eyes sparkle with satisfaction.

"Imagine what it will be like when we get better..." I grunt at the idea and my mind goes to a lot of new places. I kiss her cheek.

"I'm looking forward to it," Rey grins and closes her eyes, resting her head on my shoulder.

"I'm tired," she admits and I smile.

"I'm sorry," I don't even attempt to conceal my smug response. She laughs and shakes her head.

"You've worn me out," she laughs harder and it makes my chest shudder.  
We are quiet for a moment. "Did you want dinner?"

"Nope," I say immediately.

"Good," she yawns and slides down the bed, she shuffles onto her side and slips under the bed covers. She curls up in a little ball facing me, I look down at her and run my hand over her wet hair. As much as I want to pull her on to me I know she needs space, I just hope she doesn't push me away. She is in pain and no matter how much she tries to hide it; I can see it, behind her shining eyes. I really did hurt her but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

"What did it feel like, for you?" I ask quietly. "Be honest," I request.  
Her tired eyes search mine.

"It stung. Kind of like when you sat up and stretched your scar when you first woke up from a coma," I recall the feeling and remember the agony. For a moment I think about Rey feeling that, then she quickly adds, "just not as intense, a much smaller area." I open my mouth to say something to defend myself then I remember I asked her to tell me, she was just being honest.

Then I furrow my brow as I realise. "How do you know what that felt like?"

Rey smiles innocently and closes her eyes for a long moment. She reaches out and taps the my chest. "How did you know I hurt my ankle?" Once the realisation dawns on me, she closes her eyes as she smiles. "I feel a lot of things that you feel," she confesses and I nod the rustle of the pillow fills my ears as I do so. "I don't mean to, but it happens."

"So you know how good it is when I kiss you?" Rey smirks and hums happily.

"I tend to just think about how I'm feeling when you kiss me," I nod again, smiling.

"Do you need anything? Something warm, something cold? That will make you feel better."

"Who said I was feeling unwell?" She mumbles and my lips twitch up.

"I may not have the Force but I can see it in your eyes," I rub my fingers gently under her chin and she suppresses a giggle.

"I think something warm."

"What would you like?"

"A kiss?" My cheeks immediately start to ache from the enormous grin that makes my eyes squint and my nose crinkle and Rey sighs the most innocent, lovely sigh as she looks at me and spreads her palm out over my chest. I slide down the bed, under the covers, rolling onto side, mirroring her. I hold her jaw lightly, guiding her forward so her lips meet mine.  
There is no lust to lead to something more, no rush or desperation - not even when my hand trails down to hold her waist. Our tongues slowly caress together, it's a simple kiss that tells her I love her and that she loves me and that's all we will ever really need. Regardless of that I still feel my skin tingle and her light flows into me and I feel like I'm glowing too. Her fingers lightly press into my cheek, she sighs as she pulls away, licking her lips and smiling to herself.

"Is there anything else you need?"

I see her think about this for a moment before she shakes her head.

"Okay, just wake me if you do."

"Do you need anything?" She asks quietly, I smile.

"Nothing I don't have right here," I kiss her for a brief second, and she blushes. She closes her eyes and takes my hand. I run my thumb over her knuckles and I watch as she falls asleep.

Her breathing evens and her hand goes limp in mine.  
I close my eyes and just when I'm about to fall asleep I feel her take her hand out of mine and she rolls onto her other side. My heart sinks  
I can't help but think she is pushing me away again...

I roll on my back and open my eyes staring at the dark ceiling and I sigh.

"Finn..." I hear Rey mumble my name like she often does in her sleep.  
"Are you awake?" She mutters but doesn't turn to look.

"Yeah, are you alright?" I whisper.

"What's wrong?" She counters.

"Nothing is wrong."

"There is no point lying. You're worried, why?"

"Because you're over there, and I'm over here,"

"There is barely any space between us, my butt is practically on your leg," she mutters. "Come closer, silly, I'm not going to stop you."

"Don't you want some space?"

"No. It's just more comfortable for me like this." I feel foolish for making this about me. She moves all her hair so it sweeps over the shoulder she is sleeping on as an invitation to move closer. I carefully roll over and press myself against her back. Not sure where to put my hand, I just rest it on her shoulder and press kisses into her neck. I start to slowly massage her, and she relaxes into me.

"Are you happy now?" She asks wriggling a little.

"Very," I admit my heart feels at ease and my hand leaves her shoulder and I wrap it under her arm and I rest it softly over her stomach.

"I love you," Rey whispers. I sigh with content as I lean forward to kiss her cheek.

"And I love you," I whisper back and she smiles sleepily. It doesn't take long for both of us to fall asleep.

I dream of her, nothing special; nothing dangerous or exciting. No, just quietly content, just Rey and I, finally at peace.


	88. Chapter 88

"Rise and shine!" The loud shout jolts me awake I open my eyes Rey immediately slips out of my grip and I jolt up, and she snatches her staff from under the bed and simultaneously uses the force to turn on the light. But she doesn't get much further before her eyes pinch shut and she breathes a painful sigh, I don't think she expected her movements to cause her so much pain. I sit up higher in a looming protection before my blazing eyes look across the room and lock with Poe's mischievous expression.

"What are you doing?" I practically scream just as Rey growls his name. My anger slowly drains, along with my adrenaline. I sigh, leaning back and resting my head on the headboard.

"I came to get you two out of bed, because..." Poe stutters, "Luke wants to see you both."

"How did you get in here?" Rey seethes and guilt prickles at my skin. I tear my eyes from Poe and turn my attention back to her and when I look at her she doesn't seem as angry as she sounds; as if she already knows the answer.

"While you were away Poe stayed with me, remember I told you. I gave him the code, in case he needed it," I say quietly, waiting for her to shout at me.

"Okay." Rey's eyes flicker between the two of us for a moment, her tone curious not mad. When her focus rests on me again she pulls her lips into a little smile. This isn't how I thought the morning would turn out.

"I'm sorry," Rey's eyes soften and I watch as she sinks under the sheets, letting the staff drop onto the mattress next to her and she covers her face with her hands.

"I didn't realise you two would be so jumpy," Poe states, he looks at me, then my clothes on the floor then back to me. I do not give him the satisfaction, he doesn't have to know. I don't realise that he had indeed figured it out the moment he wheeled himself into the bedroom.

Rey grumbles to herself before carefully rolling into me, her head rests under my ribs and she hugs me tightly. My arm wraps around her back and I hold her gently, running my hand up and down her spine, shaking my head at Poe.

"Not cool, man. Don't shout next time," Poe nods, agreeing.

"There won't be a next time," Rey's threat sits in the air. I can't help but smile, she's mad, or maybe she's not... sometimes it is hard to tell. "I'll roll you down a hill if you don't get out now," Rey groans but keeps her head on my torso.

"Fine, fine, I'll knock next time," he smirks, laughing as and rolls back out of the door.

"Are you alright?" I stop rubbing her back and move to the side to try and look down at her face.

"Yeah, I just shouldn't have moved so fast," I press her closer to me.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you I gave him the code."

"No, don't apologise, I don't mind that he has it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," she slowly lets go of me and I lean forward and stretch my tired muscles. Rey slips out of the sheets and ties her hair up quickly. I slide out of the other side of the bed and collect up my discarded colours and throw them in the basket. Rey goes into the wardrobe and comes out with some clothes for her and some for me. She throws them at me and I catch the shorts but drop the shirt. She laughs at my lack of coordination.  
"Stormtroopers," she scoffs. My jaw drops and my brow aches from being furrowed so deeply, but I can't hide the flickering smile on my lips at her audacity.

"What?" I grumble. Rey gnaws on the corner of her lip, I squint my eyes at her and she squints hers back.

"You heard me," she replies defiantly. I shake my head and click my tongue disapprovingly.  
"Do you mind?" She asks quietly and holds up my jacket along with her clothes.

"Want to smell like me today?" I smirk, not fully intending to mock her, only a little bit.

"I shouldn't have told you that," she mutters. "Got a problem with it?" I shake my head quickly and smile. "Well I'm taking that as a yes."

"It looks better on you," I laugh pulling my shirt over my head.

"Thanks," she doesn't take the compliment seriously. "I was going to say it looks good on you, but I think it looks better on the floor," I raise my brows and look at her from the corner of my eye as I pull my shorts up.

"I won't argue with that," I grin.

"Come on let's face the grumpy old man," she shakes her head.

"Don't be too hard on him, he has seen some terrible things," I raise one brow at her. "Okay you have too, but Luke has dealt with it alone."

"That's because he pushed everyone away. Remind you of someone?" I laugh and she shoves her shoulder into mine before opening the bedroom door. Poe is wheeling around in circles in the foyer, the hallway light the only guidance we have, the rest of the room is completely dark.

"Finally," he cheers.

"We haven't even eaten. How early is it?" I mumble about to head to the fridge

"Don't worry about that, it's time to go."

He rolls himself over to the keypad and unlocks it. The metal door opens and Rey and I follow him out, glancing at each other with confusion.

He leads us down the halls, the bright fluorescent lights nearly blinding, burning my tired eyes. My arm rests over Rey's shoulder and I rest my weight on her as a joke at first but she is unaffected. I really have underestimated her. She supports me as I drag my feet lazily down the twisting corridors, but eventually she tires too and her shoulders start to droop. I smile and stand up straighter I keep my arm around her and with my other hand I guide her arm and wrap it around my back so that she holds my waist and she rests her head on my shoulder as we stumble after Poe, yawning and blinking slowly.

"Gee guys it isn't that early," Poe calls in disbelief as he turns to see us slump down the corridors.

"The sun isn't even up, Poe, we've had our fair share of restless nights," I remind him.

"I don't think you're going to mind," he teases me with the knowledge I don't yet have and Rey leans closer to me.

I wonder if Rey knows what this is about, she has just spent almost four weeks with him.

"Come on hurry up," Poe calls and Rey leans in closer to me and I feel myself smile happily at her affection. She does not care that we walk past people down the halls and that they will see her in my jacket and a giddy happiness sets into my skin.

I can almost feel Rey's skin prickle with anticipation. "You know what this is about, don't you?" I probe and she looks up at me innocently.

"Nope."  
She knows.  
I can tell when she is lying. I narrow my eyes at her suspiciously, but I don't question her further.

Poe wheels us to the main exit and stops, Rey and I stop too, and fall out of our sideways embrace.

"I have to get back to the infirmary before they come to get me," he says quickly, grinning at me. I smile back, I feel like I'm missing something.

"Do you know where Luke is?" I turn to Rey.

"Yeah, follow me?" She slips her hand into mine and tugs my arm. I let her lead me from the Base and onto the tarmac, the floodlights are the main source of light, the moon is slowly sinking, awaiting the sun's return. We walk towards the wildflowers.  
What is Luke doing in the forest before dawn? I wonder to myself as Rey pulls me up the hill and into the forest. Everything is unfamiliar and I don't know what it is we are doing. Rey seems perfectly capable to guide us, never placing a foot wrong.

She starts to slow down but she steps in front me, slowing us down to a complete stop.


	89. Chapter 89

I can see the silhouette of her frame but not much more.  
"Luke isn't out here," Rey whispers and it echoes through the silence. "Close your eyes..." I immediately do as she requests, without hesitation. "You really do trust me," I can feel her joy radiating around us and it makes me smile. She turns back around, my hand in hers as she leads me through the forest.

"Did you bring me out here to kill me?" I joke after we keep walking. She does not respond, but I hear the silence begin to fade as the rhythmical beat of water pouring down becomes noticeable. We walk in the direction of the sound and I feel the forest floor rise up at a steady incline. Walking up this hill is hard when all I see is darkness. When I hear the sound of gushing water become a roar the ground flattens out.

"No, I brought you out here for this..." I take that as a cue to open my eyes. I'm met with small candles in a beautiful arrangement leading to a lush patch of grass with some cushions and some blankets. We are high enough to witness the very subtle beginnings of the sun rising over the horizon, oranges and yellows spill into the sky. A few hundred metres to the left is a waterfall, cascading down into a beautiful pool of dark water, which I'm sure will gleam a topaz blue when the sun shines upon its surface. I look back to the ground and see a small basket on the grass filled with fruits and exotic orange liquid in a large glass bottle. She must have retrieved these from her mission because I've never seen anything quite like it.  
I look at Rey and I don't say a word. I grasp one side of her precious face and capture her lips with mine. Our fingers find each other's and tightly join, her other hand clutches at my shirt, I smile against her lips, she smiles back.

"It's beautiful," I whisper when I pull back. The sun dances across her glowing cheeks, the rays twirl into her hair causing her to become her own sun. "You're beautiful," I add sincerely and kiss her forehead. She unexpectedly wraps her arms tightly around my waist and I hold her close.

"I missed you," she whispers and I smile sadly into her hair.

"So did I."  
We both turn in silence and watch the warm sphere of fire splutter its light through the sky, illuminating our home. I rub my hand up and down her back and she rests her head peacefully on my shoulder.

The sun has nearly completely risen by the time she lets me go.

"You've never seen the sun rise before, have you?" She asks quietly, I think for a second and realise she is right. Even when I first left the Resistance I never sat down to watch the sun rise over the ocean, and I never left the hotel to witness the blue suns come above the endless buildings.

I shake my head. "I haven't, have you?"

She nods slowly. Of course she has. A decade on Jakku calls for many early mornings of scavenging, and unfortunately the possibility she didn't sleep at all. "But none like this. Not here," she whispers and I kiss her forehead. Such a deep tranquillity sets in my heart and I keep thinking to myself I'll never feel more at ease, but I am repeatedly proven wrong, or at least I've just not had the opportunity to feel peace so Every time I do it feels just as foreign as the first time.

"Is that why you brought me here, so we could watch it together?" Rey blushes.

"I wanted us to experience this together, for the first time," Rey tightens her grip on my hand. I smile lovingly at her and she softly tugs on my hand, leading me to the edge of the cliff, I do not feel nervous, even though just another step would have us falling into the mysterious water below. I turn to her and watch as she closes her eyes.  
The atmosphere changes, the waterfall slows to a halt, the silence is abrupt and intense as the water is suspended in mid-air. Everything seems to slow down, almost as if the entire forest is holding its breath. I keep watching Rey as her eyes move behind her eyelids and her smile fades with concentration. That's when I notice what exactly is happening; I look down into the shimmering lake and see droplets of water rise from the surface. I glance at Rey and it almost appears like she is not breathing, the droplets rise all the way up from then surface to in front of where we stand. They dance around each other, a few fall back into the lake but more rise up until the sky is glistening with new stars. The sun turns the droplets to diamonds and they spin as they deny gravity. A few droplets rotate around one another, picking up speed as if feeding off each other, they cast small rainbows and start to join together and form larger drops of water. Rey opens her eyes slowly to see the beauty she has created. I'm unsure of her intention but she smiles at the sight of the water glimmering in the morning light, shining spheres of liquid hovering and dancing around one another. She bounces on her toes and I have the urge to pick her up and spin her around. I squeeze her hand and run my thumb along her skin. After a few moments of watching the droplets sparkle, she decides to create her own rain. She closes her eyes again and the large droplets separate again and they splash back into the lake, and the waterfall begins to flow and the roar breaks the ritualistic experience and she turns to me.

That's the first time I've seen her use her abilities for something so beautiful, something as simple and innocent as playing with water.  
I wonder that there truly is so much I don't understand about her other life, but I know I want to understand it all.

She grins up at me and then tugs me away from the edge and over to the blanket and basket. The loud crash of water is soothing as we eat our breakfast.  
Rey doesn't explain how she organised such a magical morning, and I don't want her to. She likes to be in control and I'm sure this was thoroughly organised; Poe was obviously in on it.

Rey giggles when I lean over and try to romantically place a small round berry between her teeth, but it turns out to be more of a force feeding experience causing Rey to spit the berry out and burst out laughing. I chuckle and she picks up another berry to show me how it's done. She leans forward and places the berry in my waiting mouth, her focus is completely on my lips and I tingle with happiness. I quickly eat it and close the distance between us. Kissing her deeply, my hands in her hair and hers on my legs, I let my hands slip down to her waist and I pull myself up and lean further into her, pushing her onto the blanket beneath us. Her chest rises to press against mine as birds sing over the loud sound of the waterfall; I roll off her, take her hand and look at the sky as they fly towards the rising sun. I grin to myself at the simplicity of our life now.

"What's this for?" Rey asks, leaning up and tracing my smile with her finger.

"No reason at all," Rey returns my smile knowing exactly what I mean. She snuggles back down into the blanket. Our hands locked and we watch the clouds move across the sky and the sun shines upon us.

"How did you find out about this place?" I ask quietly, almost not wanting to disturb the peace.

"Luke gives me breaks to wander and discover the Force for myself, and one day I found this lake. All I could think about was showing it to you," when I turn to look at her, her eyes are closed.

"I love it."

"I knew you would." She is smiling softly and I turn my head back to the sky and close my eyes.


	90. Epilogue

++++  
We are finally here! Thank you for all your support! I hope you enjoy the final chapter. (There will be a much longer author's note at the end) xx

PS. I have written a couple of one-shots over the months that I may post, so if you see an update just know it isn't a continuation of this story but rather something extra. Thank you again!  
++++

A month after Rey takes me to the waterfall Jaeden is released from rehab, his body healed and he's almost as strong as he once was, so he tells me. Rey has continued to train, almost every day, but we always find time to be together; even if it is only thirty minutes in our secluded hanger, courtesy of General Organa. However, its purpose is not for secret rendezvous, rather for our idea that we pitched to her two weeks ago...

I key in the code and the hangar open. I smile at Rey who is waiting patiently, sitting on the desk her legs swinging.  
"I missed you,"

"I saw you at breakfast," I grin.

"That was hours ago," she pouts and I roll my eyes and snort at how utterly adorable with a black stain all around her eye.

"I take it you didn't realise that you were covered in grease?"

"What do you mean?" I walk closer to her, grabbing her thighs and pulling her legs around me.

"Close your eyes," I whisper, smiling and she does as I ask. Leaning slightly into me, obviously thinking I was going to kiss her but I start to softly rub at the skin around her eye. She huffs almost silently. While I slowly smudge away the grease I lean closer and softly kiss her, she tightens her legs, bringing me closer. My fingers stops cleaning her face and slip down to cup her check.

"How's your day been?" I mumble as I take my lips from hers, my hands falling to her waist.

"Good, I've just been in here," I run my hands down her thighs and she gets the signal and releases me.

"How's it going?" I step closer to the unfinished project.

"Really well," she grins. _Of course, that's because you're the one making it,_ I remind myself.

"I can't wait to take it for a test run!"

"You will do no such thing. I haven't finished explaining how it will work yet." I groan and crinkle my nose.

"You're no fun," I turn back to face her.

"Since when have you been one to want to risk your life for some fun?"

"Since, well, I don't know, right now I guess," I reply and watch as her eyes sparkle as the setting sun begins to shine into the hangar.

"Hungry?" I offer out my hand and she jumps down from the desk.

"You bet," we lace our fingers together and head out, locking the hangar behind us.

A few months pass.  
I still make sure I find time to see Starla, spending at least one of her lunch breaks a week with her in the staff room. She still fills me in on all the gossip. Who breaks up with whom; who slipped into the store room with a patient on their midnight shift. I smile, laugh and shake my head at how excited Starla becomes when retelling the little stories; for someone who always stays out of the trouble she sure loves to get absorbed into the details.

One afternoon I see Zarah sitting in the far corner minding her own business, quietly gnawing her fruit salad and I can't help but stare at her. There is something about her, something so intriguing, It's like I can see the raining cloud that seems to follow her wherever she goes; I can almost feel the deep unhappiness that surrounds her.  
I am overcome with a deep urge to speak with her. I excuse myself from Starla and she catches my eye as I stand up. She seems somewhat nervous as I approach her.

"Mr Finn, is anything the matter? Is there something I can help you with?" She stutters, and my face slips into a soft smile as I sit next to the young girl.

"I just wanted to say thank you, Zarah," I whisper quietly and I watch the inner half of her eyebrows crease upwards as I say her name, almost as if she thought I had forgotten.

"For what, sir? I don't believe I've done anything to deserve your thanks," she studies my expression for a moment before turning her attention back to her meal.

"For you advice those months ago, I believe I never got the chance to properly thank you."

"Oh but you did thank me, I distinctly remember you saying the words; there is no need for you to repeat them, truly."

I blink, slightly taken aback, "Zarah, I wanted to, I am very much indebted to you for your quick thinking."

"I'm flattered, sir-" I cut her off.

"There is no need for that, just call me Finn," I correct her and she nods.

"But I really did nothing of importance. You would have easily come up with an idea, one probably more appropriate than mine," she looks up at me intently to try and convince me further.

"I don't believe that for a second," I study her eyes and observe the degree of melancholy they hold. "Why are you so unhappy?" I press my lips and eyes closed simultaneously when I realise I said the words out loud.

"Excuse me?" she whispers her tone laced with disbelief.

"Why are you so unhappy? I can see it in your eyes, they are drenched in sadness."

"I don't want to talk about it, sir, I really must get back to work."  
She stands and before I know what I'm doing I'm breaking her personally space and my hand rests on hers. She looks down her eyes brows twitching, but my grip is gentle and she slowly sits back down.

"Zarah, you helped me, let me help you," I whisper almost silently.

"I don't want your help," her voice breaks, and I can tell she wished it hadn't by the way her jaw clenches immediately.

"You might not want it, but you need it," I hold onto her hand a little tighter.

"I just don't want to be here."

"The infirmary, or D'Qar?"

"Both, I don't fit in here,"

"Where do you want to go?"

"Away from here, away from the constant threat of battle, somewhere quiet." I slowly release her hand and sit back.

"Come with me," I smile, jumping to my feet. She looks up at me with concern. "Trust me," I smile. She slowly stands up. Zarah heads to the door and I manoeuvre around the tables and chairs.  
"Sorry Starla," I kiss the top of her head, resting my hand on her shoulder. She turns to face me, "Something has come up, but I'll see you in a few days and you can tell me more about Milli and that guy in bed six," her grin is wide and full of joy.

"Can't wait," she doesn't ask what I'm doing, nor does she look at Zarah with any suspicion; she just turns back around to finish her lunch and read some more holocharts.

Zarah doesn't speak as I lead her through infirmary and along halls, it isn't until she realises we are heading down to the military compound that she slows to a halt.  
"I told you, I don't want to fight," she mutters when I turn around with a quizzical glance.

"I know, come on." She sighs heavily and continues to follow me.

I find the door I'm looking for and scan my thumb on the recognition monitor and wait. "I cannot be here…"

"Of course you can, anyone can be here," I reply with a slight shake of my head, and a little smile; she is so cautious and I hope she can be at ease soon. The large metal door slides up as I turn back around.

"Finn!" A joyous call beckons me inside. I turn back to make sure Zarah is behind me as the door closes behind us, I watch her flinch at the loud click shut.

"General," I greet her with a study nod, General Organa rises from her chair and walks around her desk. It has been a few weeks since I've seen, she envelops me in an enormous hug and I return her warm welcome. She pulls back and switches her gaze between myself and the Zarah.

"I see you have a friend, what can I do for you both?"

"I have a request, for Zarah, I just hope I'm not out of line in asking…"

"I'll be the one to determine that," the General walks back around the desk and seats herself, gesturing for us to do the same.

"Zarah, was it? Nice to meet you?" they both extend their hands and meet across the table.

"Likewise, General Organa," her voice is so quiet I wonder if she even meant to speak.

"Now, Finn what was your request?"

I explain the situation, that Zarah just isn't happy, the General looks at me intently waiting for me to get to my point.  
"Zarah helped me find out what I needed and I feel it's only fair that I return the favour."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Do you remember when I first left the Resistance?" she nods. A flicker of recognition for the reason I returned crosses her face for a split second that only I would have noticed it.

"I found myself a new start and I think Zarah would be much suited to it.""

"Are you asking if she can leave the Resistance?"

"Precisely," I glance at Zarah who looks me up and down almost shaking her head, as if she cannot believe what she is hearing.

"What about your family and friends, Zarah?"

"I haven't any. My father died during the attack." General Organa blinks slowly.

"What do you do now?"

"I work in the infirmary, serving the meals and delivering messages."

"Do you want to leave, have you shown interest in leaving?"

"I know I do not fit in here, but I had no idea I was allowed to think of such things."

"I need time to make a decision and a lot has to be considered, I value freedom of choice and if you do not when to stay I will not force you to stay without good reason. So I am not saying yes but I am also not saying no. Do you understand?"

"Yes. Thank you very much for your time," I can't help the sly grin that slowly expands across my lips. We both stand and she Zarah looks at me a moment, a glimmer of utter adoration in her eyes and I suddenly feel a weight press upon me: the weight of giving someone an opportunity but not knowing if it's the right one. "Thank you." I see her look me up and down, contemplating something before extending her hand, I take it and she locks her other one over it, lingering for a long moment. She sighs, then lets me go, she turns to the door.

I am about to follow her out when I'm called back, "Finn, stay a moment."  
I return to the chair I was in and Zarah does seem to notice because she is already out the door.

"Why are you so adamant to help this girl?"

"I explained to you that she isn't happy, she is scared, all the time; I don't want her to feel unsafe."

"Why?"

"Because she helped me figure out what I needed to do to ensure Rey and I are both happy."

"There more to it than that?" I think for a moment about what it could possibly be that the General sees. Then it creeps up on me and I sit back, deep in the chair. That's when I realise.

"I see myself in her…" I mutter. The fear, the longing for something less dangerous, she just needs get away from it all. I recall Poe telling me that she quit training to be a rookie, and now she is forced to be around injured people every day. She may just deliver the lunches and do basic errands, but she is struggling and I think I'm the first person who noticed the signs.

"I'm proud of you. You're very observant Finn. However, you care so much Finn; you just need to make sure it doesn't hurt you."

"Thank you, General, I will," I dismiss myself and exit the compound, knowing I need to be more observant and but less trusting, especially when there is talk of a mission for the negotiation team.

**

A week passes.  
I am well on the way to completing my training and have my first mission with the team on Naboo later this very week. The Resistance's weaponry is quite similar to the First Order so it really didn't take long for me to get the hang of it; at least that's what I tell myself to keep my ego in check. Poe tells me I'm just a fast learner and I didn't believe him until I started to notice the way some of the recruits couldn't understand the basics of how to recharge a blaster.

Training has finished for the day and I place my weapons in storage when I hear footsteps approaching the hangar. I turn and glimpse Rey and Zarah walking in.

"Hi," I smile and lock the cabinet.

"This young girl was looking for you," Rey states with a lingering suspicion.

"Thank you, Rey this is Zarah," neither of them seem to acknowledge the introduction, so I smile and carry on. "What brings you down here?"

"I'm leaving, tomorrow, General Organa allowed it," I can't help the sudden, overpowering grin that knocks my lips into an aching arch.

"That is amazing!" I take a few steps closer.

"The General told me to ask you how to get there."

"I'll take you, I have some loose ends there that I need to rectify."

"Where are you going?" Rey asks quietly, I can almost feel the way she tries to supress her jealously, knowing it is unwarranted. I step closer to her and smile the way I can only ever smile at Rey.

"I'll tell you all about it tonight, but I have to go speak to Poe." I kiss her softly on the check, my lips linger and I can feel her shoulders melt down. "Love you," I whisper and one of her hands holds my waist for a brief moment.

I start to walk out, Zarah close behind. After a moment I turn around to watch Rey disappear into the tree line. I turn back around and rush into the base and head to Poe's permanent room right beside the infirmary.

I open the door to hear muffled voices. Poe is quietly speaking to BB-8 who has rolled up a ramp onto a box so he is at face level with Poe.

"Hey," I announce myself and BB-8 whirls down the ramp and circles around my legs.

"Great news!" Poe calls excitedly turning in his chair. "R2 was finally able to restore all of BB's memory data and aligned it into its proper timeline."

"That's really is great!"

"I bend down and run my hand along BB-8s domed head.

"Zarah?" Poe questions, and she nods nervously.

"I have a favour to ask…" I begin.

After explaining the situation to him and asking for the coordinates to the planet he found me on when he needed me to get Rey from the island. He tells me he will come with me. We agree to leave in two days, then I have one day to prepare for the negotiation expedition to Naboo.

Later that night when Rey and I are alone in our room, under the warm covers I tell her about why I'm helping Zarah. Her smile is soft and her hand traces the line of my jaw as it moves while I talk to her.

"So you're not running away with her?" she laughs, knowing full well I'm truly over running away.

"Not this time," I grin and she shakes her head, then leans up and kisses my cheek.

"Good."

"When I come back from Naboo we will have lots of time to get back to work," I whisper.

"We're nearly done, I can't believe it. I'll ask Luke for some extra hours for lunch and we'll finish it in no time," Rey grins so wide that her eyes squint and I kiss her nose.

**

I pilot the falcon into the atmosphere, Poe voice guiding me from his place between the cockpit seats, explaining which buttons to press and how to initiate the landing procedures (this being the first time in the air again he is handing it extremely well). I don't tell him that I've been learning everything from Rey.  
Zarah sits quietly in the co-pilot seat and I watch her jaw drop slightly as her eyes scan the ocean and vast sand dunes.  
"Beautiful, isn't it?"  
All she can do is nod her head in response.

I make sure to land somewhere that will be easy for Poe to wheel around, because his tires would bury into the sand.  
Zarah is awe struck, but I lead us to the place I need to go. I push open the door to the general store and slowly walk in, I'm flooded with an overwhelming sense of regret and guilt at the poor, elderly man who never got an explanation as to why I never returned to work for him. I see him sorting through some receipts, older and slower than the first time I met him; I wonder if his employee really did leave to live in another colony and if he has been able to cope without him. "Hello," I call softly as I approach the counter. Poe and Zarah stand further behind me. The man takes no notice. "Excuse me?" I offer into the silence that is only broken by the sound of the fans spinning and the vents sucking in air from outside.

"How can I help you?" he responds, looking up from the receipts. He glances between the three of us.

"I don't know if you remember me?" he shakes his head. I don't know if I should refresh his memory and apologise, I choose not to. "My friend here is in need of employment and shelter and I heard that you had a member of your staff leaving for a different colony.

"That was almost a year ago, word takes a long time to travel nowadays."

"Why are you here, where did you come from?" I am slightly taken aback by this man's attitude. When I first came he never questioned me, nor had any interest in where I was running from.

"I'm with the Resistance, but it just isn't for me, and I needed a fresh start, and I believe you can offer that for me?" the man looks between Zarah and I, and nods.

"You have a week to prove your worth, girl."

"I won't let you down," she turns to me.

"Thank you!" she gives me a quick hug and I take that as a sign to leave her to become acquainted with her employer.

"Let's hope she is more reliable than you," he mutters the words and I almost miss them, I turn around with an apologetic glance, but he has already walked into the back room.

**

Another month passes. Zarah contacted the Resistance to say she has fit in perfectly at the general store. The mission to Naboo went perfectly and I've been on two missions with Rey that resulted in amazing results.

"Finn," I turn, lift my head from where it was buried in the emergency landing flight paths around D'Qar. I look at the entrance to see Rey standing under the automatic door.

"Hey," I grin.

"Are you coming?" she looks at me expectantly and a sudden wash of realised hits me like a wave. Rey laughs. "Come on," I practically jump up and switch off the holopad.

"Are you excited" I whisper to her as we stealthy sneak through the halls. She grins and nods.

"I can't wait!" Rey grip tightens and she pulls me faster out of base. "Leia is meeting us there, we have to hurry." I pick up the pace even more.

Rey's hair has almost fallen out of her buns by the time we reach the hangar so I quickly fix it making sure everything is in place. There is a loud knock and Rey and I grin at each other. This is it.

We open the large door.  
"Hey guys, what are you doing here?" Poe smiles but his eyes squint with uncertainty.

My blood fills with adrenaline, "This, is for you!" my voice sounds slightly strained.  
Rey and I both grab each end of the tarp and yank it off to reveal the shiny fuselage, perfectly aligned and balanced wings of the custom made X-Wing.

Poe's face drops, and pales slightly. He opens his mouth.

"Don't say anything yet," Rey insists.

"Rey and I have been working on this for the past four months."

"You both know I can't," Poe interjects, somewhat offended that we would spend our time on something he thinks he won't be able to fly.

"Come here," Rey calls firmly. Poe sighs and wheels beside her. "Press that," Rey points directly to the large, palm size, black button on the side of the X-Wing, and it lowers the Poe-size-wheelchair magnetised hoist. "Go on, wheel onto it." Poe is sceptical but grateful glancing between Rey. His chair locks in and the large plate spins to face him the right way before rising up into the cockpit, locking into the exact position it needs to be in, and the engine automatically start something he would have needed to use his hips to bend his body to reach.

Rey and I explain everything he needs to know, and that everything he needs to use in right in front of him and he doesn't need to be able to twist to reach some of the controls. We explain the emergency evacuation protocols, and confirm that there is indeed a place for BB-8.

General Organa has stayed silent the entire time, watching with pride as her most experienced pilot, her brother's apprentice and I – a pretty average man who seems to bring everything all together – all laugh and talk over one another.

"Can I take her for a test?" Rey nods excitedly.

"Finn took it out the other day to make sure it was completely safe."

"How did you get it to work" Poe asks, and I glance over to the corner where a spare, rusted wheelchair lies. Poe grins.

"Thank you both, so much!" Before either of us see just how teary he is Poe closes the cockpit roof and revs the engines, flying out of the hangar, doing backflips and extremely dangerous manoeuvres.

"Typical Poe," the General comments, mainly to herself, grinning widely she adds: "Always has to put on a show."  
Rey and I both see the tears that stain her check but neither of us bring attention to it and she leaves them there, not caring to wipe them away. "Thank you. You two make such a beautiful pair." She sighs, nodding as if confirming it again, before leaving the hangar.

The sun is yet to shine in through the window and the pre-morning chill of winter - as they call it - has set in. I'm awake because I realise I'm alone in the bed. Or so I thought until I open my eyes to see Rey on the edge of her side of the bed, curled in her ball. I haven't seen her sleep like this for a long time; even if we happened to fall apart when we slept we always remained close. I roll closer to her and bury my face in her hair, she's shivering in her sleep and I frown. I wrap my hand around her waist and press myself against her back. She relaxes at my touch and I feel her rising from her sleep.  
"Are you okay?" My lips kiss her shoulder and small bumps rise under her skin, she sighs, twisting her neck to press her soft lips against my cheek. She rolls over completely so she's facing me and she smiles, she searches my eyes and I know in that moment she is fine, so I roll onto my back. She quietly moves into me, I watch as she rests her chin on my shoulder, dark green eyes gazing back at me, her dreamy smile still on her lips.

"Yeah," she whispers and lazily rests her cold arm across my waist. I wrap my arm under her and pull her closer to me, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. Her freezing foot runs down my calf and her leg rests between mine, I let out a tense giggle at the contact and she grins.

"I'm cold, aren't I?" She whispers laughing a little and I nod.

"I don't mind." With my free hand I pry her freezing fingers from my waist and lift them up to my lips to kiss each one. I watch her watch me and feel warmth spread inside me. Her eyes close and she sighs, I link our fingers together and she slowly lowers her head down, onto my chest, bringing herself closer to me.

"Why are you always so warm?" She snuggles closer.

"Probably because I grew up on a planet that would drain the sun," she snorts a laugh.

"Yeah, that's a good answer," my arm that is under her body draws circles into her waist.

"Why were you over there?" I ask quietly

"You rolled over so I guess I must have too. I didn't mean to," she whispers her voice still laced with sleep.

"Sorry," I whisper, Rey kisses my chest. I move slightly and Rey immediately looks up, her brows furrowed and a little pout on her lips and it makes me smirk.  
"I'm just getting comfortable so you can sleep," I explain and squeeze her a little closer. Rey smiles and kisses just below my jaw before resting her head on my chest again. It doesn't take long for Rey's breathing to regulate and she doses quietly, half on top of me. I turn my head into the pillow and close my eyes too, just listening to the way she breathes and feeling the way her body moves with the soft and rhythmical heaving.

I'm in a strange place between awareness and dreams, in the depths of such a visceral experience when Rey wakes with a jolt. My eyes shoot open, early morning light flows in through the curtains and dances upon her pale face as she pushes herself up. I rub my hand up her waist, and squeeze her hand while she recognises where she is again.

"I've got you," I whisper, the frightened look in her eyes fades and she crashes her lips onto mine. Her eyes are shut tight and I kiss away whatever it was she saw in her dreams. She relaxes as I run my tongue over hers and she moves a little more on top of me, deepening the kiss, our fingers twist together playfully and Rey then pulls back her eyes still closed as if savouring the moment. She sighs and I can't help but smile as she rests her head above my heart. She takes her hand out of mine and wraps her arm around my waist, breathing deeply.

"Are you sure you're alright,"

"Mmm," she mutters and kisses my chest. "Just a bad dream that's all,"

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"It's okay, just some memories," she whispers. Her hand releases my waist and trails her fingers up until she lightly caresses over the scar on my shoulder, "You know, Starkiller Base."  
My earlier mention of it must have slipped into her subconscious and I sigh.

"Do you still hear me... in your dreams?" She looks almost exactly how she did the night she told me my cries of pain had embedded themselves in her nightmares. Her fingers were drawing circles against my scar, her head resting on my chest just like the way she is now. That night was one of the first times she opened up to me; it was one of the first indications she cared, and looking at it now I realise just how much we've been through.

"Sometimes," she admits, she takes her head from my chest and rests it on the pillow, I tilt my head to look at her, I'm about to ask why she never says anything but she moves herself closer to me and that answers my question. "Do you?" She asks with a slightly saddened expression.

"Not in my dreams anymore, but I still think about what has happened to you."

"So do I, I do wish you'd tell me more about what it was like for you," she confesses and brings her hand into the dip of my shoulder and rubbing smooth motions into my muscles.

"Why's that?" I ask quietly, my eyes closed, I don't want to burden her with my past, I want to leave it there.

"I want to know what made you so special," I smile, and lean forward to kiss her forehead.

"Noting made me special," I murmur and her hand stops its massaging movements and slips down the length of my arm until she places her hand in mine.

"I don't believe that."

"I just know the difference between right and wrong," Rey shakes her head, and smiles.

"It's a lot more than that," she leans up a little and kisses my cheek again and I feel heat spark under my skin. I don't fight her on it because maybe there is something different about me, and maybe one day I'll figure out just what it is.

We are quiet for a while, her foot runs up and down the inside of my calf and I hold her close to me, our fingers run together and I am overcome with my love for her.

"Why did it take us to long to be happy?" I whisper, it is rhetorical, because we both know the answer, but Rey still replies.

"We didn't know how to be happy," her response surprises me, but she is right. Before her, happiness was a brief moment of calmness when a simulation was cancelled. Her happiness would have been realising she had enough rations to survive the day, and the rare occasion she slept the whole night through.

"I knew it felt different whenever we were together. I'd get a nervous feeling and I wouldn't want to be apart from you," I whisper. "And I'd always whisper because I was frightened of what would happen if I spoke loudly," Rey runs her fingers on my cheek bone, grinning widely.

"Oh Finn. I liked it when you whispered to me, it made me feel like you only wanted me to hear," she bites her lip and I chuckle. "I'd always try to think of excuses to be with you, but I'd always be scared the moment we were alone." I smile.

"I always thought you were too good for me," I let the words fall into the now heavy air. I intended them to be light-hearted but I know I meant them, and so does Rey.

"Do you still think like that?"

I shrug, "Sometimes, I guess."

"Well don't, because it isn't true and you should know it," Rey responds firmly. I look down from her and remember the fear that circulated throughout me every moment leading up to me telling her the truth in Maz's castle.

"It's hard when-" she shakes her head.

"Shh," Rey presses her fingers to my lips. "You are everything good in the galaxies," I twitch my brows and I sit up a little pulling her with me.  
She closes her eyes and I can sense the way she concentrates, she has travelled somewhere I won't ever be able to reach, but watching her is enough. "I feel you..." she takes her fingers from my lips and taps the rhythm of my heartbeat into my chest. "In the Force: in the ebb and flow of the universe. Without you, I wouldn't have anything to guide me..." She says the words so slowly I am able to feel them sink into my skin.

"I feel your light surround us when we're together. I'm scared of the darkness that follows me, and what I'll become without you," I admit to her what I've known from the beginning. She takes our joined hands and presses my palm over her chest, her heartbeat pulsing under my fingertips.

She blinks her eyes open. "It's dark for me too, Finn, because you are my light; I can't see without you," she lets out a soft breath and I realise all this time Rey has been so bright but I burn the way she does too, I could just never see it. "We guide each other through the darkness," she whispers. Her eyes shine with such intensity it knocks all hope of words from me. I take a deep breath and lift my hand off her waist and run my fingers deep into her hair. Little smiles tug at our lips as I gaze at her, she stares back, right into me and I'm overcome by her.

In front of me I see my sun, breathing life into me and in this moment I know that I'll bathe in her light for eternity. The realisation aches through me in the most delightful way.

Instinctively we both lean into each other. She pulls herself up a bit more, her hands reach to cup both of my cheeks, my hands runs down her body until I reach her waist and rub circles into her like I always do. My eyes close as we meet halfway, we kiss away each other's smiles, but it doesn't stop my heart from fluttering. Her love for me radiates off her and deep into my heart, and I know I do the same. I wrap my arms tightly around her back and Rey smiles against my lips and I feel like the universe smiles with her.

 _Fin_

++++  
To my dear reader,  
thank you so much for sticking with this story. I appreciate you more than you will ever know.  
To the silent readers, thank you, and to those who would frequently reviewed or followed my story along the way I appreciate it all!

This fanfiction has been an amazing experience for me, and a turning point for me. I would always lose interest in my ideas and stories, and this is the first novel length fanfiction I have completed that I am very proud of. This amazing experience has made me truly come to terms with the fact that writing is what I want to do with my life, and I couldn't have done that without you and your support. I recognised all the regular names that would emerge over these past few months, and I truly appreciate all the amazing support. I truly am sorry that my updating went terribly wrong, and you would have to wait weeks at a time, I just hope you can forgive me and enjoyed the final instalment.

There are so many people I need to thank, and I hope if you're reading this and you're one of the people who helped me get here that you know how much I love you.  
Here's to the end of Through the Darkness. No more running, no more pushing. Finnrey is here to stay.

I would absolutely love with all my heart if you would leave a review of your favourite parts were, so we can all reminisce together! :D If you have any questions at all please leave a review. xx

One last thing, to every reading this, here is just a little life reminder. Kindness is Free; spread love.  
Much love! xx

Yours Sincerely,  
Lauren.  
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